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Confused and sad

Started by Nana, October 15, 2011, 06:39:51 PM

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Pen

My parents never spanked (well, once maybe.) They used emotional abuse, the silent treatment and shaming instead. I think I'd rather have gotten spanked.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Ruth

You know, Pen, speaking from my own experience as both a daughter and a mother, I don't even think its so much a matter of what we, or they,  DID, as much as it is what we choose to do and become as we (or if we) became enlightened.  My own parents could have turned the world around in my eyes, by delighting me with just some new and more positive interaction and support, as the parent of an a/c.  I have for sure worked on this with my own a/c, I don't think there is just this one brief shot at making it as a parent.  Life should always be renewing itself,  don't you think?

Nana

Oh Dear Ruth...Thanks a lot for your words.  And am so flattered that you have been thinking about me and my problem. I love you so much.   I am doing much better now but have not posted because I had a lot of work to do --and thank God for that, cause it kept my mind busy...and distracted my painful thougts.  I did really try not to judge dil, because I dont know how things presented and gave way to this happening.   And because I am so imperfect, and not always do what I have to do.  I am very intense in my feelings, I can jump and scream of happiness, I can get real angry at times, I cry easily.  But I do have a lot of love which I give away as if they were peanuts.  I am always ready to apologize and to forgive --that I do give myself.  But Ruth....you as some others in this forum make me feel so good and special--and it is chicken soup for my soul.  I love you very much.

So there is not much of an update.  I havent seen gc since last Friday.  So today dil called me and asked me if I could babysit for her baby (baby is only 9 months old).  The other two are at pre-school.  She told me that her mother had to go to the dentist and she is the one who babysits the baby from Monday thru Thursday (Fridays are mine lol).  She was so sweet and nice to me.  She told me what the eldest gc wanted to wear for Halloween and so on.  Acted as if nothing had happened and so did I (I'm sorry)   So I of course, said  Yes.  I'm desperate to see my little one.

I spoke to a very close cousin....and confided in her what had happened.  She listened attentively and told me that once she was taking care of her two gd's and one was biting the other, so she took the arm of the offender (lol) and gave her a small bite, saying "So you can feel what your sister feels".  She said she did not do it out of anger ....and that she left a mark on her arm too.  She told the gc's parents and they kind of laugh and just said "Mother....dont do that"  and nothing really happened.  She advice me to let it go this time. 

Also Ruth, my dil has a very fair skin and bruises easily....so I dont know what to think.  I think I will eventually talk to her about the incident but this has to be in person.  They usually come on weekends and have breakfast or lunch with us.  So it could be a good moment.   

All of you wise ladies are awesome, couldn't ask for better sisters. 

Love

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Ruth

Nana this is just such a hot topic in society today, that I was and am hesitant to say this, because it's usually construed and some kind of denial and you get hammered about it, but my children are very very fair and delicate skinned, and you could just bump them when they were small and it left a bruise.  To this day, as much as I despise my disciplinary actions as a mother and trust me I have reaped the whirlwind for it in self torture, I think in all honesty that probably the force I used wasn't quite what I imagine I remember, they took a bruise in a second.  This is something I don't think is really fair in the judicial system re. abuse, because it varies.  But even having said that, I don't ever believe its right to bruise a child, (but forgive me ladies....I still can have an opinion and I'm of the old school and) I think when a child is showing a parent open contempt and hurls a load of verbal garbage out, a spanking may be the best medicine...I'm just saying......!   But I only used spanking for beligerance when my kids were small, never for forgetting to do something they were told, etc.  My g/s have never had a spanking, and have even only a few times been sent to their room for a time out.  DD doesn't tolerate any mutiny on her bounty, and I think if they had it coming she would have given it to them!  They just were always really compliant boys,  easy to please and low key. 
And as I said in previous post, dear Nana, I don't know that I think its a bad thing to deal with a biter that way.  Just observe Nana, you have good instincts and I believe personally that if you see a problem escalate, you'll know what and when to do it.  now then, enjoy the baby & work on the Halloween costumes.  DH and I decided that this year we're going to let our maltipoo go as a dog!

pam1

Ruth, very true.  I have a fairly dark complexion so I didn't have much experience with it until some of my younger half sibs.  They would be covered in bruises - from each other!  I'd watch them have a toddler throw down, I'd break it up  and they walk away red and marked up, then turn into a bruise not too much longer.   I used to be a nervous wreck when my stepmom would pick them back up, finally spoke to her and she laughed and showed me her bruises (she's very pale too) and said her kids all inherited it from her...no biggie.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Purple Room

Havent any of you heard that a most effective way, often when all else fails, of stopping a child from biting others is to bite them yourself. You should find out the facts before jumping to conclusions.

Doe

If you read the original post, the gs said that mom bit gd because gd hit gs.   My biggest concern out of this is that the gd might mention this at school and then the Soc Services machine would kick into gear. 

Purple Room

Quote from: Nana on October 15, 2011, 06:39:51 PM
Yes my Mom Bit her because she hurt me on my chess and it got red.   

lancaster lady

Thing is , we dont know how the little girl hurt her brother , if.it was a bite a push or a smack . The Mom  shouldn't have.made up a story to cover her tracks if it was all innicent . Anyway imo I think kids will fight all day long and still be best buds at the end of the day , all hurts forgotten . That's how this should have been dealt with ,with a light reprimand from Mom . When adults. get involved it tends to get more serious ...........What say you Nana ? Hope all is well in your camp.      ;D

lancaster lady

please excuse spelling in last post .....moby can't spell very well .......Love you Nana

amflautist

I always know when you are using moby ,because he misplaces the punctuation !

love you LL

lancaster lady


Nana

Dear Purple Room

With all due respect...if something I didnt do was to jump into conclusions.  By all means I was trying to justified dil...especially for my peace of mind.   My gs told me that her sister had hurt him in the chest...and that it was red, he even showed me his chest...he didnt seem red now.  I didnt asked him how had he hurt him...I was shocked.....and it didnt matter to me if it was a bite or not.  Still this was new to me.   I sometimes got impatient when I was raising my own children, but never occurred to me to bite them.  So I was all confused.

Update
:  I havent spolen to dil about incident.  I had gc again Friday all day but as if nothing had happened.   My son called his father Sunday night.  The three children were vomiting.  The funny thing is that it couldnt have been what they ate because the baby is not eating regular good.  So it was a virus they all got.  My dil took a leave to be with them, and they are doing better.   They also had fever....poor little ones.

Love you all ladies.
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Purple Room

Sorry Nanna but if you havent talked to DI about what happened you are forming conclusions even if you are being supportive,positive and kind about it.


Nana

Dear Purple:

Thank you for your input.  You could be right....but it did happened and I felt horrible about it.  I do admit that as much as I tried not to judge her, I did have many doubts in my head. 

Dil has not mentioned it, inspite of the fact that she knows for sure that I know.  So I feel she just doesnt  to talk about it....but again I am jumping into conclsions,  am I not?  But I know in my heart, that someday we will talk about it.     I just feel dear Purple, that life is too complicated to look for more trouble.   But anyway I will be watching! lol


Love you Purple
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare