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Confused and sad

Started by Nana, October 15, 2011, 06:39:51 pm

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Rose799

As evidenced here at WWU, every family has issues, Nana.  This only proves that yours is no exception.  I can understand dh wanting to intervene, but think it may be best left between you & dil.  I'm just sorry anyone is put in this position.  ((hugs))

Ruth

Oh Nana!   I'm so distressed for you right now.  I also want to share with you something similar that happened in my family over the w/e before I give you my opinion on this.   

This w/e DD had plans to go to a wedding, a very big affair, and she had made plans for her semi-estranged DF to come in from out of state (at his request) for a visit with the g/s (grandsons) and  to spend a little time with them, stay overnight and supervise while she was at the wedding.  About 5 pm Sat I got a call from younger g/s (ygs) and he was very upset, we are close and he told me what had happened. Grandpa had gone off on the boys and became verbally abusive to them, he also ridiculed ygs, telling him he was fat and lazy, while this is unthinkable enough, there is more.  He got his stuff together and departed, without telling them goodbye and without even calling DD and giving her any heads up.  I have said before here what special boys my g/s are, I'm not saying that because they're mine, their just wonderful boys who have never been any disciplinarian problem for anyone.  They are easy, and considerate boys.  This was just insane.  But a flood of memories came back to me that had been lost before, and I remembered the abuse from the years we were married, and I saw the clear connection to my DS and his contempt of me. 

I think you must deal with this bite seriously, dear Nana, as its serious business.  The line has been crossed into abuse, and unless their is intervention and accountability the risk is being run that next time the blow will be harder.  DIL is a mother who needs help.  It doesn't make her a bad person, but just someone who cannot cope with small children well enough.  Please get some advice and you and DH both need to talk with someone.  I'm sorry Nana, but I think no one bites a little girl without there being some serious issues that put the child at risk.  Do you have a minister you could talk with?  I'm so glad you are there for the g/c as a support, and for your gentleness and patience and wisdom.  If anyone is up to this, you are Nana.

Begonia

My heart goes out to you.  And the advice here is so good. It's such a difficult place.  Your poor GD, so little and innocent.  I do agree you have to bring it up and it occurs to me to just speak your truth about knowing you have to do the right thing and speak to DIL but feeling
so worried that it will cause a problem.  The bottom line is the sweet GD.  So many times we just pretend nothing is wrong.  How I wish my GM would have stood up for me, maybe things would have been different in my FOO.  Peace and love to you for the right path. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Nana

Lancaster Lady

I have been thinking things over.  As a matter of fact, cant take this incident out of my mind.  And Yes, maybe she is horrified (as well as I) of what she did.    I know we all have things we did we regret but cant take them back.    Still thinking about speaking to her or not.  You see, I know her, and I feel she might not like me interfering.  I have to find the right time.   Sometimes we talk as friends...and probably would be the moment to mention it.
But still I am so scared...  doesnt feel good to keep my mouth shut...and doesnt feel good to speak. 
It is a no win situation.

Thanks for your support LL.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

lancaster lady

Thing is Nana , the longer you leave it the harder it will be to mention. I understand your dilemma , I would just ask  if her arm was any.better and see the response ..give her the opportunity to clarify things without any confrontation........you are the best Nana any child could hope for and hopefully she.knows you are concerned for the wee one ..

lancaster lady

Awkward for you Nana , but your heart is in the right place.We love you and I hope she does too .....x

Nana

Lancaster Lady

How sweet of you.  Thanks a lot.  As you see it is so late now and I cant sleep.  It is 5 AM.  My heart is in the right place but in turmoil.  Very good idea asking about asking how is her arm lol.  I'm having a nervous laughter.  Imagine....I am very transparent in my looks....guess she will notice what is in the back of this question.   

Begonia:  You are so right....someone have to be the child's voice.  Just afraid it was a one time deal and I am making a big problem here.  And you are also right...sometimes it is so hard for us to accept that we prefer to act as if nothing has happened.  That is why I feel so confused.  If my dil gets angry at me and distanced my gc ...how can see after them, having them away.  So many things involved.  Thanks for such a valuable advice. 

Dear Ruth....thanks for sharing your story.  Yes, its serious business.  I also think that my gc are wonderful...they truly are.   My gd is very intelligent....but she sometimes acts defiant with Mommy.  She is usually very sweet...and is always telling us she loves us.  She is very close to her mom.  But I am almost positive dil would have never bitten her 5-year old son regardless.    He is the apple of her eyes.  That is what makes it worse.  I am a catholic and could speak to a priest.  On the other hand, my dil has a very strong character and she is bossy.  I do think as well, that she has some issues in her life, but I wouldnt dare tell her she needs help lol.  Thanks for all the nice adjectives you gave me....wish I deserved them but sure make me feel good.....or should I say great.

Dear Rose...Yes I dont want my husband to intervene because he is wonderful but very direct.  To make things worse, hubby is a doctor and is all against violence or abuse.  He would be very direct ....I had to beg him not to say anything.  Of course he told me that I was a coward.  I said "Whatever, just please dont get us into trouble, I need my gc near".  So he just said " ├ľk..from now on, never tell me anything like that and tie my hands".     So you see....  I feel in the middle of "no place". 

I love you all wise ladies.... you are great...what would I do without you all. 

Will keep you posted. 

Good night.  It is 5.32 A.M. here in California.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Ruth

I'm no stranger to the computer screen at 5 a.m. either, Nana.  This is a big problem, and you need great wisdom in dealing with it.  We will pray for you to have the wisdom and the right door to open.  God is even more concerned than you, and his shoulders are huge.  Try and not fret about it but just wait for the answer to come to you.   Even Mary 'kept these things and pondered them in her heart' for a time.  Women, mothers and nanas, have to be pack mules so much of the time.  but we are the ones who get the job done by the grace of God.  love to you.

Doe

Oh, I was up till 5am, too!  I should have gotten onto the computer.

Nana, I think you should speak to your DIL asap.  If I'm not mistaken, your DH is required by law to report abuses that he knows about, so he really is in a bad situation here.  Don't be afraid to talk to her.

lancaster lady

Ruth :

How those boys of yours are ok ...how distressing to have them phone you .
They know you are there when they need you , what a comfort .

pam1

Nana, I know this is hard for you but I think it has to be done, it's that important.  I like LL's suggestion of asking how her arm is.  And maybe an ice breaker of a time you regretted as a parent to show her you know where she is coming from. 

It's a difficult situation and you'll be in my thoughts, Nana.  I'm just glad you're there to look out for that little girl.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Ruth

Dear Nana your dilemma has been on my mind so much.  I will be thinking of you tonight and hope you are not up at 5 a.m., with the weight of the world on your shoulders.  It would have been much better if little g/d went to nursery school and a teacher saw this, she would have had to report it and you could have kept clear, I would expect this would not be handled with a heavy hand, I used to be a volunteer GAL and we assessed these situations on their own merit with much time spent in families with a team, and it was so often a healing process whereby the family came out stronger on all counts, at least that is what I strove for with my cases.  My thoughts are with you nana.

LanLady, thank you for asking about g/s.  It was surprising but the ygs accepted this bad behavior more as a spectator, and was not cut to the heart the way he used to be when being bullied in the public school system.  His self esteem has grown and he's not the fragile kid he used to be, but it is just such a shock for a g/c to be mistreated by a g/p.  That is rare and they just expect warm fuzzies, but he told dm that he wanted nothing more to do with gf.  He won't trust him again.  Is the moving out date still set L Lady?

lancaster lady

Hi Ruth ,
Three weeks and counting .
however they moved out to dogsit at her FOO 10 days ago and haven't come back !
I really don't think she wants to come back , we left on good terms but somehow I get the feeling
she doesn't want to be here . No idea what we've done this time , plus there isn't long to go
This from Shelby on another thread about her DIL :Quote

. She is willing to tolerate us, is always civil, but no warmth or effort to establish any bonds.  It was puzzling to us at first - we kept wondering what we had done wrong - and kept on trying to be friendly.  Finally we realized she doesn't want much of a relationship with DS family.  And so it goes . . .

this is my DIL to a T !

So whatever we do is useless ! I contacted my DS yesterday to ask if they would be returning yesterday .
He said he might , but she isn't ! However no one arrived , so the dog had a nice chicken dinner .
Common courtesy would be great don't you think ?
This is one of those times when I could blow a stack , however like the rest of us MIL's we remain silent , to keep the peace !
My DIL hasn't contacted me for over 10 days , now I know how it's going to be when they do move out ....SILENCE !
If I do text her to ask when they will be back , how would she see that ?
Nuisance , pressure , none of my business ? Like Pooh  said I'm tired of playing these games !

Nana :

Sorry for the hijack ....it's a sore point .... :(

Nana

Thanks Pam for your words.  I am feeling somehow better.  At did a lot of sleeping today...I feel I just want to escape.   Have not spoken to dil....have to wait....I have to be ready.  How terrible is feeling afraid...and that is my feeling now.   

Ruth...thanks for keeping me in your thoughts....  It is now almost 2 a.m. but I will jump into bed right now.  I slept a lot  during the day....I needed it.  I was here in the forum almost at 5.00 last night...and afraid this doesnt help.    I havent seem dil yet...probably on the weekend.  I will have my gc to babysit on Friday...just dying to see them and hug and kiss them.    I am so sorry for what is happening with your grandson... and also that he is becoming stronger.   I wish the best for you too and your family.

Lancaster Lady.  I dont feel you Hj my post.  We are all together and share our experiences. 
Dont worry about your dil....let her enjoy her 5 minutes of glory...she will need you and will come back.  You have done everything you can for them and deserve much better.  Sorry that we sometimes cannot get what we deserve.  But our conscious is at pease and our hearts filled with love.  Dil is very lucky to have you but doesnt see it.    Hope you get news from them soon....

Will keep you posted. 

You know  I love you all...my dear friends.
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Pooh

I'm so sorry Nana.  I know this weighs on your heart.  I want to tell you something and in no way am I defending what happened, but my Mom told me she bit my brother when he was about 4 or 5 hard enough to leave a mark.  She said she didn't think she bit him that hard, but it left a mark and she felt horrible and cried and cried about doing it.  He was biting everyone, kids..adults and she couldn't break him from it.  Tried everything, time outs, taking toys, spanking his bottom and yet he kept doing it.  So she was frustrated and when he bit someone again, she said she told him if he bit one more person, she was going to bite him to show him how much it hurt.  The next day, he took a chunk out of my GM and she snatched him up and bit him on the arm before she even thought.  She said he cried, she cried and she felt terrible about it.  She did it out of frustration but regretted it.  She never did anything like that again and he quit biting.

So your instinct about that this is something hinky and not normal for DIL is probably right on.  She shouldn't have done it, but she may be regretting it terribly like my Mom did.   My Mom was so not a child abuser, just made a mistake.  I still think you need to ask about her arm just to see her reaction.  You have good instincts and even if she doesn't discuss it, I think you will get a good feel about the situation and know if it is something that warrants watching closer.  The longer you worry about this, the worse you are going to feel until you ask. 

LL, bless your heart.  Don't you hate when we know something will happen, but yet we try to be optomistic and then it happens and you beat yourself up again because you knew it all along?  That is what makes us different from the people we are having issues with.  We believe in chances and change.  I wouldn't cook anything else for them.  I wouldn't ask them anything.  If they show up without telling you, they can eat a bologna sandwich.....on a paper plate....that they fix!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell