My Story

[cocobars]

I run into the issue of coming from different countries all of the time on my counseling website. Not only are our phrases and points of reference often very different but for many of the people who ask me questions, English is a second language. We have to tip-toe around sometimes, trying to communicate effectively.

How I love it that we are all trying.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I believe "the more the merrier."  When our points of reference and phrases are different, it creates diversity in our own thinking.  Understanding what someone is talking about is "key" to understanding more diverse situations.  So Postscript's involvement in this site, may be "mind opening" for many of us.  I think we can tip-toe through the "getting to know eachother" stage.  Then she has alot of different ways of looking at things we can all learn from, while we have different views from the perspective she is used to.  That is a win/win situation!

The more points of reference we all consider and try to understand, the more our chances of figuring out our own situations increase. 

Thank you Postscript for that!  It's exciting to think about learning from someone and teaching too!  What a nice thing...

[Pen]

Yup, that's what it's all about. We've got to keep communicating and clarifying!

[luise.volta]

Of course the more the merrier. That's what the world Wide Web is all about. We learn and grow...expand and share...clarify and teach.  It's wonderful.

[cremebrulee]

Hi There, sorry, I've been off line for a few days....

Dysfunctional families to me, are those where there is only one parent, and that parent, really shouldn't be a parent....or, there are both parents, and there is alcohol or drug abuse, along with children being beaten up and down verbally....or where the parents, leave the children to fend for themselves and/or practically raise themselves....

My son, I remember, in the beginning felt very sorry for my DIL...and I remember him telling me some things....as I've observed my DIL, I can surely state, that she has some very severe problems, as I have not shared everything online....but there are evident implications of abuse, fear and loss of confidence.  However, it still doesn't excuse her behavior towards me.

What I mean about conditioning our kids when they're young, is the fact that first parents have to be made more aware how important parenting is...the implications of educating our children on social skills, along with teaching them the importants of understanding human behaviors and how very important it is for them to understand how a someone from a dysfunctional family needs heavy counseling for years, before they should enter into a relationship, as they've been conditioned from little on up to belive that, it's actually ok to excuse that behavior but also to be that way....they cannot help picking behavior patterns up, both good and bad....but, the fact of the matter is, they will bring a contaminating logic of control, self imposition, lack of confidence, and so forth into the marriage, that will hurt and effect a lot of people.

If we talk about human behavior patterns as a family over dinner, not all the time, but make it a learning experience, including the entire family, like we did...and touch on that subject several times...it helps children learn on what to look for in a mate...but, I also believe confidence and self esteem need to be present as well....

I saw this work, with all the kids that came to our home...we used to just sit and talk over and after dinner, and the kids enjoyed that...they asked questions...etc....but, I never thought to touch on this subject....of dysfunctional DIL's....and I don't mean that as a cut down, but more so, understanding why they are the way they are....and wishing if only they're husbands would insist that this is not normal and get them into counseling...

[luise.volta]

I guess what we are seeing is that the husband who is being controlled isn't going to insist. Sad.

[cocobars]

That is so sad.  I wish there really were something we could have thought of as their mothers to help them.  We were blindsighted.  I just didn't see it coming and didn't really think about it that much! 

[just2baccepted]

Post I'm really sorry for your problems.  But you know as DIL myself I really think you're doing all the right things.   If my IL's acted like they really like me, acted interested in me and my life and  not judge my decisions or how I live my life to what I buy etc.. and talk about me to other relatives and try to convince my DH that I'm bad then boy hiddy!  I'll bet I'd call them mom and dad and we'd visit WAY more than we do now and invite them to be apart of the family and do family activities but they chose to be rejecting and judgemental so they get called once and week and visited occasionally.  And they play a very small role in our lives and know very little personal info about us simply b/c DH is trying to limit info b/c of their almighty judgmental attitude towards the "youngins"

Another thing is that I'm assuming your son is a teen??  If so then his girlfriend is probably just a typical teen.  I know it's like pulling teeth to get any long sentences out of my 15 year old niece.  And also I'm sure that's a little daunting for a young girl to be meeting her boyfriends family.  you just want to measure up so bad.  I remember meeting boyfriends family and how nerve racking it is.  I would just keep making her feel comfortable and acting interested.  If she turns out to be one of those insecure and "I gotta hate you if you're happy and successful and I'm not" then watch out cause that's the people that are the hardest to connect to!!  But we'll all pray that this young lady is just shy and feels out of her element and everything will work its self out.  Good luck to you.

[cremebrulee]

Post I'm really sorry for your problems.  But you know as DIL myself I really think you're doing all the right things.   If my IL's acted like they really like me, acted interested in me and my life and  not judge my decisions or how I live my life to what I buy etc.. and talk about me to other relatives and try to convince my DH that I'm bad then boy hiddy!  I'll bet I'd call them mom and dad and we'd visit WAY more than we do now and invite them to be apart of the family and do family activities but they chose to be rejecting and judgemental so they get called once and week and visited occasionally.  And they play a very small role in our lives and know very little personal info about us simply b/c DH is trying to limit info b/c of their almighty judgmental attitude towards the "youngins"

This really breaks the heart in two, when you see a DIL or MIL who sincerely wants to get along and have a normal family...yanno, they say, most people want to be love and be loved...and it's such a shame, that there are people out there who stagnate the growth of family and hurt so many other lives....

Big hugs to you
Creme

[just2baccepted]

But Creme,
Here's the danger of sitting your son down and talking to him about his girlfriend.  If they marry later and you have talked to him he WILL tell her and she will hold that against her forever! 

Believe me, when son was dating DDIL, we sat him down and talked to him about her. She was the most obessive person we'd ever met!  He did break up with her because she talked to a sales clerk in a manner that was so rude and hateful that he couldn't believe it.  Also, she had demanded that he break all ties with us.  She was treating us very nicely, though at the time.

She began 'courting' us, calling us 'Mom and Dad' and calling all the time to speak to us. How loving she was.

After they married, he must have told her that we had that talk with him.  Oh boy!  It's been a disaster ever since.  So, Mothers need to be very careful even about a girlfriend.

Just my thoughts.

Boy I agree with that!  I have to say when my IL's talk about me to others it makes me angry of course but when they try to tear me down to to my DH, oh boy that was so different and so much more personal.  I took at as they were trying to convince my DH that I was bad.  Or that MIL tries convince DH not to do things that I enjoy like eating out b/c in her mind that's too expensive even though we only do it once or twice a week.  But when  I found out she was doing this, that was the straw that broke the camels back for me and now I have very little to do with her and DH sees her only occasionally b/c he realized how petty and cruel his mother was being and that he made it clear that our relationship was more important to him and he wasn't going to let his mother's snipe at me anymore.  Its worked out great so far.  I'm sure MIL is upset but we've done really well in protecting our marriage.  I'm much happier now.