I Need A Hobby

[cremebrulee]

What a nice post, Creme!  I totally agree!  Understanding the "why's" doesn't take away the hurt, but it does lessen the sting a bit!

Morning Coco

good to see you...yes, understanding them, takes the edge off the hurt for me....

The root causes of hate and loathing are the fears of not being accepted and of chaos in one's life. These fears often drive people to do horrible things to one another, in hopes that by eliminating the object of a person's fear it will go away.  In our case, we, the MIL's.  Our DIL's are perfectly happy that we're not in they're lives...b/c they fear us...

Instead, the fear only gets worse, as every action validates the negative feelings of fear inside one's self. (which was what I wasn't getting, and simply trying harder which in turn, made her hate me more and she validated the negative feelings in being rude, letting me know, I wasn't really wanted around) 

In the extreme, this fear has driven people to genocide; to a lesser extent, it has destroyed marriages, family relations and friendships, your and mine....

If you find yourself hating someone, or something about a person, ask yourself what you are afraid of with regard to that person; then, eliminate the fear within you, and you will erradicate the hate of others. Indulge the fear within you, and the hate will persist forever.

Ultimately, hate will destroy the hater, not the object.

I used to browse hate sites, and was astonished at how sadly, so many people took things as a personal attack against they're characters

Do you know, I saw a post where one DIL, asks if they would attend they're MIL's funeral...one gal, no two, said, they would urninate on they're graves....shhesssh?  How utterly sad, that they could talk like that about another human being?  That is the stuff they're husband's should know...these girls project one person, and are another...what a shame to even think of something so vile and unladylike?

[cocobars]

The root causes of hate and loathing are the fears of not being accepted and of chaos in one's life. These fears often drive people to do horrible things to one another, in hopes that by eliminating the object of a person's fear it will go away.  In our case, we, the MIL's.  Our DIL's are perfectly happy that we're not in they're lives...b/c they fear us...

Instead, the fear only gets worse, as every action validates the negative feelings of fear inside one's self. (which was what I wasn't getting, and simply trying harder which in turn, made her hate me more and she validated the negative feelings in being rude, letting me know, I wasn't really wanted around) 

In the extreme, this fear has driven people to genocide; to a lesser extent, it has destroyed marriages, family relations and friendships, your and mine....

If you find yourself hating someone, or something about a person, ask yourself what you are afraid of with regard to that person; then, eliminate the fear within you, and you will erradicate the hate of others. Indulge the fear within you, and the hate will persist forever.

Ultimately, hate will destroy the hater, not the object.

This is so true of "hate."  It is driven by fear and destroys the hater mor so than the "hated."  I strive to keep myself in check when I feel a strong dislike for someone and always end up in my "thinking corner," trying to figure out how I can resolve my own feelings, sometimes turning the whole situation around.  I'm human and it doesn't always work, but if we are more aware of you're one simple truth here (as you've stated it", I believe it really helps us to stay in a more positive mindframe.  I guess I'm a dreamer, but a forgiving dreamer nonetheless...

Thanks for posting this insight!  How absolutely true it is!  This world would be such a better place if more people realized these things and paid more attention to the "whys" of their own feelings.  Wouldn't that be nice...

P.S.- Good morning - I'm happy to see you in here this morning too! Brightens the day ahead!

[2chickiebaby]

I was thinking about "hate" and I think I've found what it is.....it is a feeling between love and apathy.  First there is love, then hate, then apathy.

The opposite of love is really apathy, not hate.

[Pen]

Chickie, I've never really thought about it that way. To hate someone you have to have an emotion about them whereas apathy is a big nothingness, no connection whatsoever. Thank you for this train of thought.

Someone, I can't remember which pop-psych person, once said that you can't shut off one emotion without shutting off the others. They gave an example of trying to play the piano with baseball gloves on your hands. My apathy towards the activities (hobbies) I used to enjoy may be due to trying to shut off my feelings of sadness, anger, hurt, envy, etc. etc. surrounding DS/DIL.

Time to get back on track and figure out a way to balance this. As someone else said, "Fake it til you make it." If I just do the activities, one day I'll be enjoying them with my old enthusiasm!

[peggyrice@triad.rr.com]

I agree - whatever avenue we take to come to terms with our situation - it can not be hate.  Hate indeed distroys the hater's soul.  I think we should feel sorry for these miserable people and hope that one day they gain the insight to become positive, contributing individuals.....

[2chickiebaby]

yes, we should, Carolina...it's hard to focus, though. So many rules today. No one just goes along and gets along.  Everyone seems to have a motive and money is everything. 

[Marilyn]

I agree Chickie,money doesn't make you who you are.And it shouldn't alter your ego.

I would never pick money over family

[2chickiebaby]

I wouldn't either, MominW, but they do many times. 

[2chickiebaby]

What are some of the things you learned without money, Coco?  I know there's a bunch...love to hear them.

[peggyrice@triad.rr.com]

Please tell me that money is not the aim for everyone!  Success is not rooted in money.  I have know a lot of very miserable people that had lots of money-some really lost and pitiful people.  I worked in a bank as an underwriter for 25 years.....Life is a journey and each step is a special one.

[2chickiebaby]

I understand, Coco....we will wait till you are ready.  I know it must have been a very deep wound.  So glad you're here!!

[cocobars]

The only thing I can think of saying "out loud" is that money can buy alot of things, but it doesn't buy love (or me).  I know that sounds like a cliche - a very well known one, but it's true.  Thank you for understanding.

Chickie, I believe you have a huge heart and I also believe you have all you need to be happy in this life.  I hope your sons wake up soon, before it's too late.  I hope they will look at you and wonder what they were thinking and I really believe you will have both of them at your side before long.  They can't turn their backs on someone who loves them so much and control isn't love.  I don't see you as a woman who would raise a son to believe it was.

I don't have any money now.  It's truly a blessing...

[2chickiebaby]

I'm so glad you're at peace

[cocobars]

I was a single parent the first time around.  I hope my children saw how much I loved them and tried to be such a good parent.  My MIL told me what a good mother I was and I was so happy to hear those words from her.  I thought she was such a good mother too.  Her son was like her husband and she had such a hard life.  I divorced him after trying to work things out that would not work out.  I was a single parent for awhile.  Still staying in contact with my MIL.  Don't really know why I'm here because I never really had any MIL problems!  LOL!

My second husband is the one I call husband.  He was a minister's son.  Fighter Pilot, Psychologist.  I've never said anything bad about him.  I still to this day can't do that.  So there are stil things I just can't seem admit.  I can face them, have faced them, can look them in the eye. That's where I stop.  I've never understood it.  It's been three years.  I don't know how long it will take.  I may never speak about him again.  That's ok with me.

It's hard to explain. I have a friend who lost her husband through a heart attack.  I see parallels between our situations but am not sure I could tell her about it.  I lost my husband too (he ran off to Costa Rica with the woman du juor).  I see the only real difference being that her's in not on this earth, but mine is here somewhere.  He may turn up again someday bringing all his hurt with him.  It doesn't mean I don't love him any less, just that I have that pain if I see him.

I'm sorry, I know this wasn't the subject here.  I felt I needed to answer a question honestly.

[2chickiebaby]

Thank you for telling us, Coco....we love you!!