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Wondering how you gals feel

Started by cremebrulee, January 20, 2010, 04:12:43 am

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Quote from: Sassy on January 21, 2010, 07:55:46 am
Creme your son does love you.  Your son loves you. 

The relationship he has with his step-mother sounds not unlike the relationship he has with his wife.  With the same inability to acknowledge how their cruelties hurt you.   Especially with his step-mother, it appears to be hard for him to acknowledge how their cruelities have hurt him.

Your son cannot protect you from the women in his life who hurt you.   But yet I know he does not want you to be hurt, by them or anyone!    They hurt him, too, sometimes.    It hurts him too much to acknowledge it, so if he pretends it's not happening, he doesn't have to feel that pain.  For you or for himself.  He has limits, as we all do, and does what he can to make it through.

He loves you, creme.   The calls may feel like duty calls, but he makes them because he wants to.  He needs to feel that connection to you.  It may be awkward.  It may be strained.  It may feel stiff.   But he loves you.  And he feels your love.

For whatever reason, he had to be attracted to his step-mil-like wife in order to create your granddaughter.  There are parts of you in your granddaughter that carry on, carry through.  I'm sorry you don't get to see her!  But you are influencing and a part of that little girl, whether you're there or not.

My maternal grandmother died when my own mother was barely a teenager; obviously, I never met her.  Her sisters (my great aunts) were always taken aback after spending time with me.  How I looked like her, acted like her, moved like her, spoke like her.  One of the great aunts even accidentally called me her nickname sometimes, without thinking.  It felt like a tremendous honor.  Yet it is remarkable how traits can and do carry through generations.

I don't have children, but as I read your words I still know your feelings of second-guessing and what ifs.  Sometimes at work I get so overwhelmed.  I almost always second-guess the work I did.  I wonder what my bosses and superiors think of me, and my work.  I want them to see talent in me.  I want job security in this economy.  And when a project is completed, is precisely when I think of 10 different things I could have done "better."   So after practicing, I have learned to let go and relax.  And accept.  I did what I could do when I did it, it's done, and that's all there is to the story.  There is no "could have done this" because it doesn't exist.  I have to say to myself "You did the best you could do.  You worked overtime, you did the research, you covered the bases, and there was nothing more you knew or had to give at that time." 

You loved your son raising him, and you loved him growing up.  You did your best.  There's no way a woman like you - with your love, your caring, your thought process, your everything - didn't do your best.  You gave 100%.  There is no 101%. You didn't share with the child him how his father and step-mother hurt you, because you are mature and that's the right thing to do.  You may feel like it cost you now, but it may well have cost you more if you had.  You did the best you could with what you had, and that's all anyone can do.  You did it with love.  And you did do a good job, Creme.  I think your son goes to bed at night feeling he's doing what he should be doing.

It may not feel like it.  And your feelings are yours and they are real.  But Creme I promise you, your son loves you.  More than you'll ever know.

Hi Sassy
I read this earlier, but had to compose myself, before repsonding...

words cannot express my sincere gratitude for you and all these women here....it's comforting to know, that you and all the ladies here understand and make so much sense....

I know, that since my son married my DIL, well, she makes me fear showing him any attention, even hugging him made me feel uncomfortable....so I can imagine how he feels....he's already said things, which made me feel like he was embarrassed of me...in front of her....I even tried to divert my attention from him to her, whenever I was around them...resulting in the feelings of uneasyness....which is un natural and makes one feel like they're constantly afraid to be themselves....

Thank you Sassy, for your kind words....


Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 21, 2010, 08:05:08 am
Creme, Sassy's words are the sweetest things!!!  Treasure them.. :'(

I will, thank you...it's such a miracle to have found this website...
and all you wonderful women....


Quote from: penstamen on January 21, 2010, 08:07:48 am
Thank you, Sassy - I think your post will help many of us.

yes, penstamen, I agree....big hugs to you....



OMG...you are so caring, so understanding. Your words went straight to my heart. So overwhelmingly true.

Thank-you so much !


Thank you for your positive feedback.    I'm glad it is well received because I wrote it not so much to be kind, I sincerely wrote it because it I think it is the honest truth. 


To me, Sassy's response is why MILU is not limited to MILS. We need perspective and multi-generational wisdom. Thank you, Sassy, for being you!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Quote from: Sassy on January 21, 2010, 01:45:05 pm
Thank you for your positive feedback.    I'm glad it is well received because I wrote it not so much to be kind, I sincerely wrote it because it I think it is the honest truth.

And your honesty showed through completely, can't tell you how much I appreciate you...thank you  I don't believe I'll ever forget your words, and much more, remind myself of them when those dark times rear they're ugly heads...



February 04, 2010, 11:58:16 am #22 Last Edit: February 04, 2010, 12:05:57 pm by cremebrulee
Sassy, you said there are parts of me in my GD...you would not believe how many people at work swear she looks like me...I don't see it and perhaps they are saying that to be nice...however, when I was down there the last time, I was so overjoyed to see her running in the pasture, playing with the goats, pony, etc...and said outloud.."She's a little tomboy"....
OH MY GOD...was that the wrong thing to say...he actually yelled at me and said, I was so afraid you were going to say that, wife does everything she can to make GD a lady...

So, my DIL gets in the back seat with my GD, she wouldn't allow me to sit back there with her...and says over and over again, (and by the way, at this point in time, I wasn't aware that she was upset about me saying TOMBOY...my goodness, some of the most beautiful women in the world are tomboys) so she is sitting back there and says...Oh DD, your so beautiful, you put your make up on just right, the clothes you picked out match so well, your such a girly girl....your so beautiful...I mean I was horrified?

So my son later, says to me, You really hurt my wife, I think you probably want to see some part of you in GD...and that is why you said that???????? God did that hurt?
I mean, they actually took that as if I were trying to undo what she's doing, I had no idea??????  none!  and I would have never said it outloud if I thought that was going to happen, no matter what I say, or do, she takes it wrong...and then, to my son, plays the victim...playacts..but let me tell you, she's a spitfire and can take care of herself....

He is always defending her off the wall actions....as normal...I don't get it?  I just don't get it?


Creme,I don't see why that would offend her.I think a lot of little girls are tom boys.And whats wrong with that!!!.....sounds like nothing you do or say is ever right.I know when my DIL's in one of her moods,she gets like that.Is your DIL real moody?


Thanks Mominwaiting!  I was a tomboy growing up too.  My sister was 10 year older than I and I hung out with my brothers.  Talk about climbing trees!!!  I was in gymnastics in high school!  Katy Curic - she was in my school and was in gymnastics too.  Back then it was unheard of for someone to have a personal trainer.  She did.  We all thought she was going on to win some gold medals.  Never thought she might go into "news."  HA!

Tomboys.  What's wrong with that?


Quote from: Anna on February 04, 2010, 02:11:45 pm
Creme, my son does the same thing.  Always defending dils off the wall behavior.  I don't get it either???  Does he not see how off the wall she is?  Almost everyday she says or does something we just don't get.  I would think, that saying she is a tomboy, was a compliment, meaning strong, athletic type.  Sheeeeesh !!

my GD has tomboy in her...she loves the outdoors, horses, all animals and enjoys being with them, she loves to be outside running around....my son actually scolded me for saying that...it's like?????  He said, "you said that once before, and I was afraid you were going to say that in front of DIL?"  sometimes I think he is just as sick as her, living with her all these years...I mean, to actually dictate to someone what they are allowed to say and not say?  To heck with understanding, we all think differently about things...and talk about walking on egg shells, I say very little when I was around them...thank God I'm not around her anymore, b/c I wouldn't take it anymore, and surely tell her off....


Quote from: cocobars on February 04, 2010, 04:05:49 pm
Thanks Mominwaiting!  I was a tomboy growing up too.  My sister was 10 year older than I and I hung out with my brothers.  Talk about climbing trees!!!  I was in gymnastics in high school!  Katy Curic - she was in my school and was in gymnastics too.  Back then it was unheard of for someone to have a personal trainer.  She did.  We all thought she was going on to win some gold medals.  Never thought she might go into "news."  HA!

Tomboys.  What's wrong with that?

Nothing, but my DIL is trying so hard to shape my GD into the person she wants her to be, that if you say anything like that, I be4lieve she takes it as an insult against her parenting skills. 

Get this....we're standing out in the pasture, watching my son ride her horse...she is standing beside me...ok, so I haven't seen son on a horse for years and years, and it gave my heart joy to see him ride...and I made the mistake of speaking out loud saying..."Ohhh My he still rides so well and handles the horse beautifully!"  I wasn't really talking to her, I was taking pride in him and thinking out loud so to speak, and all of a sudden she starts yelling..."Wull, usually he can't ride the horse, so I have to get on him and calm him down"...and I just stood there, shocked, thinking to myself and wanting to turn away...."ohhhhh K" while rolling my eyes...she's a feakin nut case....sorry, but I get really angry...that is when I should have turned to her and said, "DIL...your a mother, can't you understand, a mother taking pride in her son"....but she blindsides me, shocks me with her snappy mouth....no one has ever talked to me like she does, they wouldn't get away with it, and yanno what, she won't ever do it again, without a verbal backlash....


Your DIL has no heart, that's why she doesn't cry.  She is viewing you as weak.  I know this will be hard, the hardest thing you will ever do but try not to allow yourself to be seen as weak around her.

This only fuels her fire and she'll do more and get away with doing more till she rules all of you.  For everyone to sit there and allow this bully to do you this way, is disgusting. 

You take the reigns and act strong around her if it literally makes you drop over dead. Take the power away from her.  Stop engaging her.....put on a strong face when around her and look at her with a "drop dead" look. 

(I know you can't do that but just try it in your head)


Creme,what your DIL said about your son"Wull,usually he cant ride the horse,so i have to get on him to calm him down".I think....it's her wanting to feel superior,over him.Our DIL'S need to feel like they are better than ANY one.I don't think it was a jab at you,feeling proud of him.

And isn't it hard to give genuine compliments to people that think they are superior?It's like you dont want thier heads to swell even more.But maybe it's what they really need if they are so insecure.


How do we keep from 'slapping them upside the head?' It hurts me, too, when DIL puts down DS. He looks crushed and shamed, two emotions I hate to see on any young man's face let alone my DS. She needs to be the best, the most, the center of attention, the smartest and most gorgeous. She puts us down for not being those things, but I think if suddenly we were smart, gorgeous and self-centered she'd flip out. In all fairness, she does seem to be trying to be nicer to us. DS may have said something.

I compliment the you-know-what out of this gal! I'm not sure if it's effective since a compliment from someone she doesn't respect could be seen as an insult. Who knew this would be so tricky? Or hurtful?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb