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My daughter hates me....

Started by Tula, January 18, 2010, 05:44:34 PM

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chickenmom

this is girlsmom btw. i went to change my email address and couldn't, went to re register but couldn't use girlsmom because it was taken.....lol. thank you tired~yes people don't understand unless you have had it happen to you. i too have thought about just ending it all. unlike you life for me is really not all that great so not much to loose. how do you move on? i feel so selfish for just thinking of myself because i know other people have problems and mine are not any bigger than theirs but the pain is just so overwhelming. it seems i am just paralyzed. i lost 5 family members in a very short amt. of time, found out my husband doesn't really love me and then a few years ago my 3 immediate family members died about 1 year apart from one another and i guess that was hard because there were so many unresolved issues, but even if they had stayed alive they probably would not have been resolved. my brother was dead 5 days before anyone knew~he was a drunk and didn't have many friends. i can't afford to go to counseling due to the child support we have to pay our other daughter who has the younger one. we may loose our house over all of this. now having been on this side of the child support office i really feel sorry for dads, i understand there are dead beat dads but the good ones who do want to support their kids but want to be able to live too the CS office has absolutely no sympathy. they don't even care we still have a 12 yo at home. they think we should pay a lot for this 18 yo who could go get a part time job to help out but instead for 10 months child support we have to loose our house. i have been cleaning out the house and sending the girls any and everything of theirs. i don't want anything in this house that is a reminder of them. they would get all their stuff if i died anyways so it is just sooner than later. there is just a lot since they have done so much over the years. awards, artwork, scrap books, scout stuff, 4-h stuff, etc.
part of me doesn't even want to spend time with my 12 yo daughter as i am afraid she will up and leave too like everyone else. she is by my current husband and is different than the other girls but i still worry. 3 out of 4 are not good odds. i was so abused as a kid and have tried to do things differently and i have but sometimes i wonder if i am just too broken to be fixed. my biggest problem are my self worth issues. i know this forum is limited but it  is nice to be able to just vent. maybe some of your suggestions will help me out. i know that i come off wrong sometimes even though that is not what i intend since i don't really have any friends and pretty much get kicked out of most groups i am in, even Christian ones. i try so hard to fit in, i bake things for people, volunteer to do stuff and i am pretty organized and get things done, etc. but to no avail. even when people say mean things to me I don't say mean things back to people because i know how it feels. like yesterday at a 4-h event this woman i know walked up to me and flicked my hair and said "you are really getting gray'! (haven't had the money to go get it colored) That to me is so rude I would never say that to anyone. I just smiled but crumpled inside. this is just one example but i get this type of thing all the time. i guess this goes back to my childhood when my mom said such mean things to me all the time. like when people would say how much i looked like my dad and she would reply curtly that that could not be possible since i was "the adopted child". or when i was watching the miss Americas pageant once i said i wanted to do that someday I was 10 or so she said oh you could never do that because your scars are all to ugly. she burned me over 50% of my body when i was 2. maybe it is just the circles i am in. 4-h people can be pretty rude but my daughter really likes 4-h. just the parents are rude the kids are pretty nice.  thanks

2chickiebaby

Chickenmom, your story just breaks my heart.  Those of us who were wounded in spirit or body early in life have a tough road with people who aren't kind.  It makes us extremely tender hearted.  I wish it wasn't true, I'd trade tender hearted for "stand up for yourself" any day!! 

Please stay with us.  My prayers are with you! :)

cocobars

Chickenmom, don't let your hurt from the other kids rule your feelings and closeness with your 12 year old daughter.  I know you were (and still are) hurt very deeply and that's understandable.  Fear can bring on so many negative things.  By being afraid to get close and letting the fear of being hurt keep your heart away from your 12 year old, you may in effect, be making that fear come true.  I know this is so hard for you, but try to keep your heart and your arms open to her.  She may be going through alot of heartache too that she's afraid to tell you about.  By creating that closeness to her, you can help her get to know your heart as her mother and trust that you will always be there for her.  She needs you at 12.  You need a supportive and loving child.  Just because the others did that doesn't mean she will.  You said yourself she is different.

I have four children, but only one that I "KNOW" I can count on.  Not very good odds, but I still think I'm very lucky.  So many parents can't say they have even one.  I never gave up on her and now she's only 19.  I realize alot of things could still happen in our lives, but we have built a very close relationship out of the hell we both went through in a similar situation as yours three years ago.  If I had given up as her mother and backed away from her, she really wouldn't be here with me.  My ex tried to get custody and do you know why he didn't.  She did NOT want to live with him and told the judge she knew she was happier with me and knew I was going to take care of her.  Her never got my children.  Only because I put my heart out in their paths, but still left the decision to them.  If they wanted to go, they could have easily, but they knew, even though we lost everything that I would find a way to take care of them.  And I did.  It was really scary for me to give them my heart like I did, my husband had just abandoned us in a place where we had no family or friends and had been moved out of the state where family was.  My heart had just been trampled, stomped all over and cut to pieces.  If I hadn't held on and loved them through all of that it would have been worse.  Now that she's 19, she is my support system and my best friend.  I am not sure I would have made it without her.

I know this is getting long winded, but just consider what she may be going through.  She may feel as lost as you right now and need every little hug and pat on the back she can get.  The words, "I love you," could be magical to her too!  I know you need to hear them!  Just consider it ok?

Hope

Quote from: cremebrulee on February 15, 2010, 08:32:17 AM
Girlsmom
My heart goes out to you...

I remember years ago, my boss, his wife, and my husband and I grew close, becoming great friends....his wife was my best friend where we had moved...she was an angel....

They had 3 of they're own boys and adoped a baby girl...when I met her, they were almost fully grown and out of school.

They had a lot of trouble with the middle boy...

My boss came into work one day, and said..."Creme, how do you raise 4 children....and they're all great kids except one?, how does that happened, what happened?"  He was heartbroken....so I do know what your talking about, as I could see the heartbreak in his eyes...

I'm going to make a suggestion, the only one I know to make, and that would be, seek out a professional good counselor....and start going yourself, so you can learn how to deal with the despair and pain...this is costing you....perhaps somewhere along your journey, your daughter will agree to go with you one day....

I certainly hope so....

Hugs and love
Creme
Great advice, Creme.  I think a good counselor could lend a healthy path to healing.  My heart goes out to you, Girlsmom.  There's no pain like the rejection or disrespect of your children when all you ever wanted was their happiness and wellbeing.  All the best to you.

chickenmom

Coco~long winded is my middle name~LOL! I love to visit it is my downfall. Maybe it is because I spent my childhood locked in my room or the closet with no one to talk to!

You guys are really wonderful. Thanks for all the great responses, it was great to read especially after yesterday. I spent a couple hours moping in bed this morning crying then i was mad at myself because i had things to do, but i feel much better tonight. my girl friend and i went to see "it's complicated" it was very cute and funny. we both laughed a lot. I think I am finally starting to get over my kids. i would look at their facebook photos to try and imagine what they were doing today but i don't find myself wanting to do that as much anymore. it is not that i don't care it is just that it is time to move on with things now. it has been long enough. moving on was the message in the movie tonight. i have other things i need to move on from too i just need to get off my rear and just do it. thanks again and i am going to go and say good night to my wonderful daughter.
and yes i know my daughter is hurt too. i was cleaning up the play/school room and found a letter she had started writing to my other daughters about what happened last year and she was very angry at what my kids had done to her. she was surprised when i asked her about it but i told her that that was a good thing she had done~writing about things is a good way to deal with painful situations. she was happy i talked to her about it.

Thanks Chickie~yes being tenderhearted is a tough thing sometimes. I never say anything that sounds even remotely mean since i know how it feels. my daughter came home today after working with the dog at the park and she was talking to 2 girls who attend the local school and they were telling her some things about school like they came up with a different name for RSP (special ed kids) Really stupid people. my daughter was horrified. she is very thankful she is homeschooled. I think when kids hear this kind of thing day in and day out they get numb to how mean this is so kids like my daughter who don't have this every day still have a shock response to something like this. i am so glad my daughter does. she is a great kid.

cocobars

Well, listen to you!  Feel that?  It's me patting your back and hugging you! 

You have found that thing (person) who makes life everyday worth living.  I'm happy you also went out with a friend!  I've found that helps also.  You have to take care of "you" to be that loving mother for her also!  Not that you wont have bad days, I know I still do, but with the knowledge that they will come, you can take them in stride.

I'm so proud of you, and no, you're not a chicken.  It takes bravery to look around and start over!  You have taken your first steps!  Be proud of who you are and your huge heart!

I look forward to your posts, and am keeping you in my prayers!  I'm happy you came! ;D

chickenmom

Dear Coco
Chickenmom isn't about being chicken~LOL ;o)~we raise show and meat chickens for 4-H. My daughter has won grand or reserve grand champion at the fair the last 3 years.
We love our chickens~they really have very sweet personalities.

You guys are great! I know this site will help. I read a post to someone else that really applies to me as well about how we were whole prior to kids only I don't even remember prior to kids since I have had kids since I was 18 y/o. Had 2 stepkids ages 2 & 4 before I had my first daughter. I really adored them too.  Was sad when I didn't get to see them anymore.

I look forward to being here and reading the posts and getting encouraged. I have some very mean women I have to deal with and it is very difficult for me to do. I have made some changes so I have to deal with them less which has helped, but I have to learn to be tougher so they don't make me so sad.

Have a wonderful day.

cocobars

Well, thanks for the explanation on "chicken!'  You have put a whole new perspective on your chosen name for this site!  That's pretty wonderful!

I'm happy to see you getting around the site and posting, and yes, you will find alot of the posts relate to many different parts of yours!  That one of the things I like.  Everyone here has so much in common, even if it comes from different places, and it's healing just seeing that you are not alone!

I've read some of your posts!  They were supportive and warm!  Good on you chickenmom, for getting in there and helping others! :)

nursemom

My daughter hates me and blames me for all her problems.  She told me to stay out of her life.  It hurts because I thought everything was fine.  She is married to a controlling, back stabbing man.  He is nice to our face but is behind all this meanness.  When she last called and was mean I could hear him whispering in the background.  Also part of her problem is hormones and depression.  But now she is not taking any meds and has stopped seeing the counselor.  I miss the daughter I thought I had and the grandchildren.

Pen

I'm so sorry you have to deal with such heartache and sorrow, nursemom. This site is an amazing, supportive place for those needing healing after suffering rejection or loss concerning their children. Best wishes.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cadagi101

When  I read your stories Re; my daughter hates me, so much of the content is my heartache as well although in my case it is my son.   I have
been where you are in depths of despair and feeling so worthless and exhaused from feeling so sad, and the guilt the unfounded unnecc-
essary guilt.  Why do we do that to ourselves.
I can tell you from the heart, look after yourself, you are worthwhile and you do deserve to feel better and happier in your life.  We did the very best of our ability at the time (re; raising ouir children ) and as they near their late teens early 20's we have to step back and they
make the desisions on how they are going to conduct their own lives.  We must not take any blame, no-ones perfect we are afterall only human.  Pen, Chickenmom, nursemom, Hope and all you brave and beautiful women on this site   you all inspire me so much it is so amazing to share..our feelings with others who know where we are at in our lives.
who'd have thought we would be fortunate enough to be on this wonderful site of sharing and caring it is life changing, Luise and chickibabe I cant thankyou girls enough.   


cadagi101


RedRose

It is so heartbreaking when our children turn their backs on us and more so if they keep our grandchildren away from us...no matter what the circumstances involved. I chose to go along and say nothing most of the time. I found out...later...my son... would just go along to keep peace and harmony in his little family...he loved his wife and wanted all to be happy.

Didn't work for long...they are divorcing.

RedRose

I do miss chicky and coco....very wise women

Louey0727

Dear Tula
Welcome, you have now come to a place where you can vent, say whatever you want and in turn you will get all kinds of good advice from mother's who are or have been exactly in your place.  Stay in touch, keep writing, remember you are not alone and your feelings are important to all of us.
If the truth be known, most of us are just struggling with problems like yours from minute to minute, day to day.
Why! do we have to go through these things - - I haven't got a clue.  We are all good mothers and GM's and all love our children to "death".  It seems the more you love, the more you get hurt.
Your story is similar to my situation, but it involves a son.  Does not matter, son or daughter, we continue to get hurt and go back for more.
All I can say at this point, is stay in touch with the ladies in this forum and you just might get an answer that will go off in your head like a "light bulb".
I continue to wonder why do some mothers get all the problems "with adult children" and others do not not.  It could be, that we love too much, if there is such a thing.
Thanks for coming to this forum and sharing your story.