My daughter hates me....

[Invisible]

I agree with Redrose. You need to step back. Just be superficial to your daughter so she allows you to see you grandchild. By superficial I mean do not say of do anything to provoke action on her part.

[maddymappo]

Misery loves company so if it is some small consolation my daughter hates me too and tells everyone in the family that I abused her as a child and she is the victim of a horrible mother.  Recently a friend of mine who has a PhD in psychology told me the reasons are very complicated and are rooted in a personality disiorder which is always nearly impossible to change. But told me not to blame myself since there was probably no way I could have prevented it since it involves a combo of inherited personality traits and enviromental interactions that are not predictable.

I would put up with my daughter's slander of me and blame if she didn't burst into furious tantrums when I am with her for no reason  other than her own inner mental story she is interacting with. Recently, since she has been home taking care of her baby, I asked her how she liked domestic life?, and she went into a furious tirade claiming tha I underminded and insulted her by calling her a domestic (servant)- of course no one else would think I meant that but her and her deep seated delusion that I am always against her and criticizing her and putting her down. I would like to just ignore this blame mother for everything in my life and about myself that I hate syndrome, and just go to see my beloved grandson but I cannot take the tantrums which shake me up and it is difficult to be silent when I am being accused of horrific behaviour I am not guilty of.

I too know what it is like to be accepted for my gifts and money only, and nothing else. I guess if I have money to give or a gift I can see my grandson, but I am afraid of the temper my daughter has shown and do not think it is healthy for my grandson to see his mother act like that. So my heart is breaking but I will have to avoid my only child and her family. 

Good luck to you and perhaps with age and maturity our daughters will develope a different sense of their mothers and themselves.

[cremebrulee]

Misery loves company so if it is some small consolation my daughter hates me too and tells everyone in the family that I abused her as a child and she is the victim of a horrible mother.  Recently a friend of mine who has a PhD in psychology told me the reasons are very complicated and are rooted in a personality disiorder which is always nearly impossible to change. But told me not to blame myself since there was probably no way I could have prevented it since it involves a combo of inherited personality traits and enviromental interactions that are not predictable.

I would put up with my daughter's slander of me and blame if she didn't burst into furious tantrums when I am with her for no reason  other than her own inner mental story she is interacting with. Recently, since she has been home taking care of her baby, I asked her how she liked domestic life?, and she went into a furious tirade claiming tha I underminded and insulted her by calling her a domestic (servant)- of course no one else would think I meant that but her and her deep seated delusion that I am always against her and criticizing her and putting her down. I would like to just ignore this blame mother for everything in my life and about myself that I hate syndrome, and just go to see my beloved grandson but I cannot take the tantrums which shake me up and it is difficult to be silent when I am being accused of horrific behaviour I am not guilty of.

I too know what it is like to be accepted for my gifts and money only, and nothing else. I guess if I have money to give or a gift I can see my grandson, but I am afraid of the temper my daughter has shown and do not think it is healthy for my grandson to see his mother act like that. So my heart is breaking but I will have to avoid my only child and her family. 

Good luck to you and perhaps with age and maturity our daughters will develope a different sense of their mothers and themselves.

I'm very very sorry to read this....if you need to vent or discuss issues of this nature, or just share happy news, please do so...and welcome...big hugs....Creme

[Invisible]

Maddymappo and Tula,

I am so sorry your relationship with your daughter is dysfunctional. Hate is such a strong feeling. I never had a daughter but I am aware mother / daughter relationships are very complicated. It is not unusual for a daughter to "break away" from her family for a few years. Only to realign herself with her mother in her late 20's to early 30's.  Perhaps this is only  temporary. The only thing that gives me hope is I know everything changes. In fact the only think we can be assured of is change.

Misery loves company so if it is some small consolation my daughter hates me too and tells everyone in the family that I abused her as a child and she is the victim of a horrible mother.  Recently a friend of mine who has a PhD in psychology told me the reasons are very complicated and are rooted in a personality disiorder which is always nearly impossible to change. But told me not to blame myself since there was probably no way I could have prevented it since it involves a combo of inherited personality traits and enviromental interactions that are not predictable.

I would put up with my daughter's slander of me and blame if she didn't burst into furious tantrums when I am with her for no reason  other than her own inner mental story she is interacting with. Recently, since she has been home taking care of her baby, I asked her how she liked domestic life?, and she went into a furious tirade claiming tha I underminded and insulted her by calling her a domestic (servant)- of course no one else would think I meant that but her and her deep seated delusion that I am always against her and criticizing her and putting her down. I would like to just ignore this blame mother for everything in my life and about myself that I hate syndrome, and just go to see my beloved grandson but I cannot take the tantrums which shake me up and it is difficult to be silent when I am being accused of horrific behaviour I am not guilty of.

I too know what it is like to be accepted for my gifts and money only, and nothing else. I guess if I have money to give or a gift I can see my grandson, but I am afraid of the temper my daughter has shown and do not think it is healthy for my grandson to see his mother act like that. So my heart is breaking but I will have to avoid my only child and her family. 

Good luck to you and perhaps with age and maturity our daughters will develope a different sense of their mothers and themselves.

[RedRose]

This is heartbreaking...to be treated so horribly by your own daughter. As she grows older, hopefully, she will take responsibility for lifes ups and downs. Handle them one day at a time and not blame mom for everything that happened or will happen.

 

[cocobars]

Deep down I know that I can only change myself, my attitude, my outlook.  I cannot change her for anything.  It hurts horribly when I know that the other grandparents (who are still in the honeymoon phase of knowing my daughter and haven't been burned yet) get to see my grandson whenever they want.  Even when she wasn't mad, I had to make appointments to visit, and confirm, before going over.  She has slipped and complained about them just dropping by.  Apparently, that is still somewhat tolerable for now.  Boy, are they in for a rude awakening when they finally cross the line with her. 

I try hard to stay busy, but with every show or commercial I see with grandparents in it with their grandchildren or a mom and daughter shopping happily together, I ache inside.

Hi Tula, and welcome!
I'm sorry you are going through this.  I have a daughter who is very much like yours.  It almost killed me (and truth be known still does some days).  I have had a very long and lonely road, until I found this site, learning to let go.  It's all I could do.  Loving a child this much and being treated this way can "literally" kill you.  The deep breath most of the women here have talked about - take it and some more.  I ended up in an intensive care unit with my family surrounding my bed waiting for me to die, and I did for about 2 minutes (nuther experience not relating).  I had to realize that I had other children who loved me with all their hearts and depended on me.  Their quality of life wouldn't be the same if I was not here for them.  Look at your son.  If he didn't love you so much, would he be upset for you?

You are right.  The only person you can change is you.  If you can take little baby steps, they turn into bigger steps and before you know it, the pain isn't what it used to be.  It's not going to be an easy road (not that I am saying it has been for you so far), but hope and love are funny things.  We never know where they are going to take us - or what they will bring.

All I can tell you is that you are more important than you know to your daughter.  And it is my sincere hope that someday your daughter (as well as mine), will appear with her arms open and a humbling but loving apology on her lips.  That one hope is all that keeps me going, and sometimes it is all I can do to think it!

[girlsmom]

I can't read all of these tonight as I have to be up early in the morning. I am so happy to read this as it comforts me to know I am not the only one with this sort of problem! I have 3 girls from my first marriage and they all turned on me. they hold a candle for their dad who deserted them and nothing for my husband who adopted them and we gave them everything they wanted. I also have 2 grandsons whom I miss horribly especially since I was there for both of their births and they lived with me~my daughters first husband was in the military~I have helped out my daughters with everything not just money. I am just so depressed about this entire thing. It is not what I envisioned for my life. I have one daughter left at home and I feel so bad for her because of what they have done to our family, my 12 year old (made up horrible lies about us~long time friends are stunned as to what they have said about us since they know it is not true)  and how I am not being the best mom i need to be for her. She is however a great kid. Nothing like my other girls. She is very thoughtful even at the young age of 12, my other girls were never like that. I have treated her the same as the other girls so i don't know why there is such a difference. My husband says it is because she has a dad that didn't desert her. also a different gene pool. I want to move from this house as it is the one we bought as a new family 17 years ago. too many memories. what do you all think about that.? is it just running away?  how do you move on and let go. that is what I am having a horrible time with. this site is great. maybe it will help me get out of this rut. it is affecting my health~ended up in the hospital with 190/130 BP and have never had BP problems in my life. like some of the prior posts I too think my middle daughter at least has a personality disorder like my x~he is a sociopath and the rest of his family has some sort of mental illness. She is like what one person wrote about and how the daughter blows up at a benign comment. thanks you.

[cocobars]

Welcome girlsmom!  You've come to the right place here for healing.  The women on this site are understanding and intelligent, and we all send out these posts - kind of like a think tank, but it's so very healing...

I'm happy you could join us here!  Just read through the things that interest you and when your ready, start your own post.  You can find some helpful directions in the forum support folder.  That's on the home screen.

By the way, I don't think it's running away to sell the old house and buy a new one.  Sometimes change helps us move on with our lives in more positive ways, by lifting our spirits and giving us a more positive outlook. 

Children are different.  I have twins (my last two children).  One is just like your older daughters and the other is just as you say your younger daughter is.  Same father (go figure-twins).  LOL!  Anyway, I'm happy you joined us here! 

Take care!

[cremebrulee]

Girlsmom
My heart goes out to you...

I remember years ago, my boss, his wife, and my husband and I grew close, becoming great friends....his wife was my best friend where we had moved...she was an angel....

They had 3 of they're own boys and adoped a baby girl...when I met her, they were almost fully grown and out of school.

They had a lot of trouble with the middle boy...

My boss came into work one day, and said..."Creme, how do you raise 4 children....and they're all great kids except one?, how does that happened, what happened?"  He was heartbroken....so I do know what your talking about, as I could see the heartbreak in his eyes...

I'm going to make a suggestion, the only one I know to make, and that would be, seek out a professional good counselor....and start going yourself, so you can learn how to deal with the despair and pain...this is costing you....perhaps somewhere along your journey, your daughter will agree to go with you one day....

I certainly hope so....

Hugs and love
Creme

[girlsmom]

I will go to counseling someday but I can't right now. We have to pay child support until my daughter is 19 due to the fact she is still in high school. It will ruin us financially, we may even loose our house over this. They don't even care. My older daughter and her fiance (they live together) make a 6 digit income together~twice what my husband makes! (we put her through one of the best universities in the nation) When we went to court last month the judge did cut the state guidelines amount in half because of the house situation. We go back in April. I know my older daughter well and I know she wants the money for her upcoming wedding not the younger daughter~she likes the best of everything. The other thing is we have limited resources in the town we live in. Good counselors are few and far between here. The mornings are the worst for me in that when I wake up it is sometimes the first thing on my mind and then I think about it which gets my morning off to a bad start. Once I get going though the day gets better. Part of me doesn't want to move but the other half doesn't care~this house has become somewhat of a prison~a hell hole of memories.  I just want to run away from here and go someplace new. get a fresh start.  Because of our age if we loose this house we will never own another. My husband is very angry about this whole thing. He was trying to do the right thing and because of these girls has lost everything. we used some of his retirement money to pay for college costs. although he doesn't say anything I think he is sorry he married me and adopted the girls. I think he wishes he stayed single. he was older when we married. he had never been married before. I know he loves our daughter though. i don't know that we will make it through all of this, we barely speak to each other anymore. i am just so overwhelmed right now i don't know what to do. it is hard to keep it all together for my 12 year olds sake.

[girlsmom]

Dear Maddy~
I totally understand about your daughter going wild over a benign comment. During a conversation we were having about a job my daughter was getting right out of college I made the comment that it was a fact that beautiful men and women fair better in the job market than average looking people. Oh my gosh you would have thought that I said that Hitler was the best man in the history of time or something~she just went on and on and on that it was her fancy degree that got her the job in this big firm etc etc etc. When I tried to point out that if a average looking slightly plump women with great grades from said university and my daughter who is slender and gorgeous came in for the job interview that statistics supported that my daughter had a better chance of getting the job. I took sociology in college. Now she would classify that as abuse in her thinking. I have never abused my kids in any way shape of form, but in her mind I did. Abuse in her mind is if you don't agree with her 100% of the time. I am pretty sure she is a sociopath like my x husband. she is just like him. i know I need to let these girls go but it breaks my heart since being a mom was number 1 on my life's dreams to do list. It is comforting to know others have kids like mine. At least I know it is not just me.

[Tired]

Sweetheart, I have and continue to feel your pain.  People that have never felt this pain cannot understand.  And we both pray they never do!  I'm not sure what has to happen for them to see the light.  Sometimes I wish that a herd of fleas would infest her armpits,  But that's not very nice but my daughter has hurt me so much That At one time I had thought of taking my life.  Then I realized that I enjoy life too much with or without her.  I love my grandgirls very much.  But they know that I will be here when my daughter hurts them too. My daughter is a bipolar and will not take her medicine.  So we are battling more than one demon.  I have held on to all of the Christmas, birthday, Valentines day presents for over 2 years.  It has been so long I am finally going to clean out their room and yard sale all of it!  This is one step of letting go of the hurt that she causes me.  I have learned that what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom are poseable thumbs and being in control of our emotions.  Try hard not to empower her with your emotions!  Be strong and talk to us!  We are always here for you. I promise!

[cocobars]

Sweetheart, I have and continue to feel your pain.  People that have never felt this pain cannot understand.  And we both pray they never do!  I'm not sure what has to happen for them to see the light.  Sometimes I wish that a herd of fleas would infest her armpits,  But that's not very nice but my daughter has hurt me so much That At one time I had thought of taking my life.  Then I realized that I enjoy life too much with or without her.  I love my grandgirls very much.  But they know that I will be here when my daughter hurts them too. My daughter is a bipolar and will not take her medicine.  So we are battling more than one demon.  I have held on to all of the Christmas, birthday, Valentines day presents for over 2 years.  It has been so long I am finally going to clean out their room and yard sale all of it!  This is one step of letting go of the hurt that she causes me.  I have learned that what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom are poseable thumbs and being in control of our emotions.  Try hard not to empower her with your emotions!  Be strong and talk to us!  We are always here for you. I promise!

Dear Tired,

What a wonderful post for your first!  I just had a picture of Confusious in my head saying "may a thousand fleas infest your armpits."  LOL!  Well, you are a perfect fit here - it's all I can say and I can't wait to hear what else you think! 

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through too, but and so happy to welcome you with open arms!  Another "wise woman" joining the circle."  What an honor.  I'm tired too.  We all are, but this place is healing and I hope you find comfort here because I believe you have a home!

Hang in here with us!  You're in for a wonderful time and lots of smiles now!  Thanks again for this wonderful post.  It's compassionate and understanding.  It's a very wise woman who is talking and we  are happy you are here!

[2chickiebaby]

Dear Tired,
I am so sorry all this is happening to you!  It hurts just as much when it's a Daughter as when it's a son.  I hope you feel welcomed here.  It's a good place where Wise Women can offer their hearts to you. 

Wonderful Wise Women!!  The "W W W's"    

[Pen]

"You've got friends in wise places" to borrow from a country singer my DDD likes. Welcome, Tired! I hope that soon you'll feel like changing your name