My daughter hates me....

[Tula]

I'm in my early 40's, I have a wonderful husband (we've been married for 25yrs), a wonderful son (he's 21), and a beautiful daughter (23) who is married and has a 1yr old son.  My only beloved grandchild.

Sounds great right?  Wonderful marriage, a son, a daughter, a grandchild....yeah, well, things are not always as they appear. 

My daughter is all about appearances you should know.  She married a preacher's son, his mom is an elementary school music teacher.  They have an idealistic life...or one would assume.  A beautiful home, and I promise you this is the honest truth, it even has a white picket fence.  The only problem with this picture is my daughter is not so idealistic.

She started to turn on us (for lack of a better term) around the age of 16.  Once she got to date,  received her own car (16th B-day present from us),  and got a taste of freedom...she became intolerable.  She felt she had reached adulthood, made her own decisions, dated whoever she wanted (some way too old to be dating a teen), and anytime we tried to rein her in for her own safety....she would run to my in-laws, my sister and my own mother crying that we treated her unfairly.  She would convince them (so very, very well) that she was forced to clean the whole house (only her room in reality and she would never do that), would get called home from dates (yes, it would be way past midnight), and yelled at her for no reason (sneaking out, having guys over, ect).   You have to realize, my daughter is beautiful, her laugh is contagious and her high energy makes people watch her in awe.  She's been in pageants, very poised and knows exactly how to "act".  And everyone falls for it hook, line and sinker.

My husband was diagnosed with cancer when she was still living at home, her dad went through months and months of chemo and became very, very ill.  I worked full time to keep insurance on us and to pay the bills.  While she had friends running in and out of the house while he was sick and too weak to argue.  When my mother caught her one day pulling one of her "stunts", she got on to her and kicked the teens out.  My daughter, ever so clever, convinced my mother that she was just so bummed about her dad being sick that needed the friends to cheer her up.  I informed my mother that she has never even asked about her father's sickness.  When confronted, my daughter said she must be in "denial".  A coping mechanism.  Yeah....she's that good. 

Years progressed and so did her stunts and excuses.  She had it her way for so long.  She convinced everyone that we were evil and that she was picked on.  (my own son would tell his grandparents she was being a diva, but they wouldn't believe him.  He lacked the charisma my daughter had.)  We couldn't even enforce house rules on  her anymore.  She came and went as she pleased.  One day, at the ripe old age of 19, she went on a skiing date and never came home.  She married a year later.  Since then she has little to no contact with us.  Unless, of course, we have bought her or the baby something.  Then, she is cooperative. 

She finds the smallest things to get mad at us about (like making her late for a shopping trip) and will not talk to us for weeks.  (mind you we cannot have contact with our grandson during this time either)  Since the family finally figured her out (after being burnt by her one time too many as well)  they never receive a phone call from her nor does she take any from them.  Now they realize what we were telling them is the truth.  Once daughter found out her charm was wearing off a little with those closest to her, she bailed on them as well.

When she does feel like talking to us again, she'll send an email and say "I forgive you for what you done.  Lets just forget about it."  Uh, yeah, until next time you get mad at me.  Like right now..........

I had my son contact her about getting her cat finally from our house.  We've cared for it for too long.  Her husband hates cats and does not want it...she doesn't want the responsibility....well....neither do I.  It's not my cat.  I have 3 dogs to care for, work full time, so does my husband and son.  She eventually got the cat, but we are paying the price for it.  She has blocked us out of her life again.  I can't keep going like this.  I'm in my early 40's and had a heart attack last May.  My blood pressure is through the roof.  We have went through alot of problems and frankly can't take it anymore. 

I don't know what to do.  I love her to death, God help me.  But I'm nothing but a proverbial punching bag to her.  I love my grandbaby, I want desperately to see him.  I just want a normal relationship with her.  But she just wants to create drama.  I don't know when I'll hear from her again.  None of this may be making sense, lol, I'm tired.  My head hurts, I'm cried out, there's sooooo much more to this relationship, and to her for that matter.  I just don't know where to begin.  From what I read, its probably just best I don't do anything right now.  But if she contacts me, then what?  I don't want to keep going through this time and time again.

[Orly]

Tula,
Take a step back and a deep breath.  Let your thought percolate for a bit and chat with the other ladies on the site.  Get their pov, and feedback,  I'm sure you are going to get some support headed your way.

[Tula]

Thank you Orly. 

You know, I remember once asking her why she treated us so bad.  I asked her why she didn't hug back, why her love for us was conditional, why we weren't good enough for her and why she thoughts are few rules were unbearable.  She would only say we were trying to control her and that she didn't want to get attached to people because they can die.  Okay.  I get that.  But she loves her child unconditionally I suppose.  I mean, we all do, right?  Can't she spread it around?  It wasn't the cancer her dad had or my heart attack, because she was doing this before those events.  Part of me thinks she only wants the love of a man.  Sometimes I think its an adoration thing with her.  I mean she's pretty good until her flaws start to show, then she bails.  Does that make sense?

[luise.volta]

I agree with the stepping back suggestion. Let us all read what you have shared and digest it.

Off the top of my head, it seems to me that your daughter is how she is. And has been for a very long time. You take it or you get permanently dumped. At present if you cross her, you get temporarily dumped.

The hows and the whys won't alter anything, as far as I can see. Putting a name to her behavior; narcissistic?... sociopathic?...won't offer you any relief. It looks to me like you have to choose between two actions: 1. Stay in the pattern and suffer or 2. Leave the pattern and suffer. There are consequences either way that are untenable.

That said, I would find a good counselor to steer me through this tragedy. Someone who would be a sounding board and provide me with an advocate.

[2chickiebaby]

Tula,
My best friend has a daughter just like this....no heart, no caring for anyone but herself.  It has nearly killed my friend so I know what you're going through.  I don't know where it will end but while it's going on, it's horrible. My heart is right here with you.  Keep talking when you want to.

[Tula]

Thank you for your concern, Chickiebaby and Luise. 

Deep down I know that I can only change myself, my attitude, my outlook.  I cannot change her for anything.  It hurts horribly when I know that the other grandparents (who are still in the honeymoon phase of knowing my daughter and haven't been burned yet) get to see my grandson whenever they want.  Even when she wasn't mad, I had to make appointments to visit, and confirm, before going over.  She has slipped and complained about them just dropping by.  Apparently, that is still somewhat tolerable for now.  Boy, are they in for a rude awakening when they finally cross the line with her. 

I try hard to stay busy, but with every show or commercial I see with grandparents in it with their grandchildren or a mom and daughter shopping happily together, I ache inside. 

[2chickiebaby]

Tula,
I know that my best friend, who had a stroke at 55 and is now bedridden, had this happen because of her Daughter.  She adored this child!!  Her daughter is grown now and has divorced her husband because she doesn't want kids. She is so fake, so fake that no one can stand to be around her.  She can turn on the charm if she wants something.  She comes home for birthdays and holidays to get presents or money. 

I don't think your daughter is like her but I don't want you to have the same thing happen as my friend did. 

Believe me, she will grow up.  She really will....I don't know when but she will.  Just stay strong and don't let this hurt you permanently.  I know my best friend wishes she hadn't.  She paid with her life for this girl.  I am so bitter because she took my friend with her.

[Tula]

That's what I'm afraid of, Chickiebaby.  My husband gave up a long time ago, he says, "I'll see her when she wants to be seen."  But, I'm still holding out....therefore....still the one getting hurt over and over.  I've got to find a way to compartmentalize this issue.  Some days are better than others, but I'm worried that a early grave is coming my way because of her.  And thats hard for me to say.  Really.  I love her so much that I don't want her to take the blame, yet I know she is the main cause of my high blood pressure.  I get so mad at her, I boil.  And she knows it, she loves the effect she has on me.  I must quit giving her that power.  For my own good.

[2chickiebaby]

Believe me, I know how you feel.....we have sons, mostly here.  We'd give our lives for them.  Rather die than live through this.....some of us have daughters in law who are just that bad.

I hope you'll take heart and know that she will grow up, she will grow older and when she does, you will want to be there to see it.  All of us grow older and if we're human, we realize what we've done.

[Tula]

Chickiebaby - You are so very kind, so very wise, and I hope, so very right.   Thank you for talking with me.  My son just gets so very angry when I mention it, he would like nothing more than to get a hold of her.  He can't stand to see me so upset.  And my mom and sister now feel just as victimized.  We all just sit back and wait on her next move.  Ridiculous right?  My word, I need a life, lol.  Maybe an art class.........

[2chickiebaby]

My friend's son felt the same way....absolutely detested her.  Her own father was finished with her.  Her Mother took the blow, though. 

I hope you won't sit back and wait for her next move.  I hope you do act like you could care less.  I know that would be hard because she knows you like a book too.  They all do.  I hope you get that art class and not allow her to do this to you, if you can help it.

Easier said than done. 

[luise.volta]

One thing you are creating is a support system...right here and right now.

I am old (82 and 10/12ths) and I would like to think that your daughter will find wisdom with age. Some do...but not everyone. I know women my age who have lived their whole lives sealed inside the golden fantasy of ME. And they are still doing it. Behind them they have left a trail of death and destruction. Think twice before you permanently become her victim unless that is your conscious wish. Don't let her carelessly throw your life away. C/B has seen it first hand. What a blessing that the two of you have met.

[cremebrulee]

Hello Tula and welcome
this has to be very difficult for you and hubby...
my advice to you for now, would be to just let her go...let her live her life....eventually she will exhaust all her other avenues and either grow up or not...but she will return to you...

I would also seek out counseling for advice on how to handle this...I know how difficult it is, not to see your grandchild...breaks your heart...

In the meantime, vent here...this is the best site I've ever been a part of...all the ladies here are wise, compassionate and supportive...

We all have good days, and some bad days, therefore, it helps to be able to help others and grieve with them....

Honestly, you couldn't have a better support network...and we all learn from each other...

Hugs and my best
Creme

[RedRose]

Tula,

If I had your problem, I would treat my daughter the same way a lot of us treat our dil's. Just let her have her way. It is less stressful. You are  sick over it...sacrificing your health over it is just not worth it. It's more important to see your grandchildren. Hopefully you daughter will change as she gets older and realizes the value of a grandmother's love.

[luise.volta]

In reading these heartfelt comments, I can't help but think that support doesn't change anything involving external dynamics yet it can change everything internally. Your daughter remains the same but you are no longer alone.

From our hearts to yours...love offers healing. Come as often as you wish, vent as much as you need to, stay as long as you can and take us with you when you leave. The  coffee/tea is always on...and in the process, you will find others here who need you.