FB troubles with DIL

[Scoop]

First off, FB is NOT necessarily a public forum.  If I searched for Grama's DIL, I would be shocked if I could see any of her information.  Most people know how to set the privacy on their pages.

Also, she can set the privacy for each individual message, so she may have set it so that any young ones couldn't see that one in particular.  The thing is, there's no way that Grama could know what the privacy settings were (I think).

FB pages are sort of like this site, you take some, you leave the rest.  I have a niece and nephew (teens) as friends on FB and I make an effort to NOT comment on their walls.  I'm just there to be "in the loop", not to judge them, or to "parent" them.

[Shelby]

Scoop - I totally disagree that facebook is not a public forum.  Treating FM as private assumes a huge risk on the part of the poster.  Many a former employee wishes he/she had not posted what he/she did on FB, only to have it come to the attention of his/her employer, who promptly fired him/her.  Many a former spouse wishes he/she had not made certain posts, especially when the other spouse's divorce attorney uses those posts and pics as evidence in the custody hearing, in establishing whether the first spouse is a fit parent or not. 

It is extremely naive to think that anything on FB or elsewhere on the internet is private.  It not only is not private, but it is also potentially viral.  So everyone should think hard before they put anything on the internet.

Additionally, DIL had *friended* MIL on FB.  Therefore, even though you or I might not be able to see any of DIL's information, MIL was privy to all of it.  INVITED to see all of it, by virtue of her friend status.  Once MIL is accepted as DIL's friend, anything on DIL's FB is the same as public.  DIL shouldn't put anything on there she wouldn't want discussed at the Thanksgiving dinner table by anyone and everyone.   If DIL wants it private, she has to keep it private, and not shove it in MIL's face. 

[RedRose]

Facebook is what brought about the truth about my ex-DIL.
She would correspond with her lover on it. She never blocked me or maybe she thought I would never have a facebook account...we were not friends on it...,but, I saw it all. I brought it to my daughters attention and together we told my son about it.The proof of her cheating on him started with facebook. He has had an account ever since.

I wouldn't apologise. You showed concern for your grandchildren...even if she considered it interfering with parenting. You formed and opinion by what you saw and I am sure others formed that same opinion. IMO...You brought it to her attention because you love your grandchildren and they deserve better.

[grama2four]

So glad i am still with all of you...I just didn't know of any other way to truly describe the photo.

Strange that the relationship issue came up. Yes they are having problems lots and some of it could be the reason but I will refrain from explaining it as it may take us off subject.  maybe she needs attention. She does allow my GD on Fb however, I am not sure how often.

In the beginning her Fb posts were nothing like now.  I have lost alot of respect for her because of her conduct on Fb I feel she is being irresponsible as an adult and mother .  my DH has mentioned more than once that he's seen a change in her. And someone mentioned Fb being like a billboard that is so correct. IMO if ya don't want others posting comments about your posts  that don't agree with ya,  Then stop making it available for all to see. Not everyone is gonna agree.

someone else mentioned if this was just because I didn't raise my kids this way. To answer honestly  they are raising my GC  completely opposite of the way I raised mine but I can't control that. The Fb issue was as someone mentioned put in my face  I was embarrassed and the otherwise  mind her own business grama went  into protection mode for my GC and finally spoke out.

my ex-MIL and I were so close and I always looked up to her  and when she gave advice sometimes I liked it sometimes I didn't but I always had respect for her.  we remain friends today.

I don't feel this warrants SS and not sure a photo like this would give them cause to investigate.  we will be back in Az in Nov  ( I am gonna re-read and re-read all of your posts)hopefully I can figure out how to properly resolve this before returning home.. I have never been one to jump into anything. It took a long time of reading her posts before I said anything too . maybe that was wrong of me.

[Pen]

I thought you did a good job w/your description, Grama. Now if I could only get it out of my brain, lol.

It's hard to watch a train wreck, especially when it involves those you love dearly. Best wishes to all, & keep posting and reading.

[alohomora]

As a DIL, I wouldn't friend my MIL on FB. Period. And if she asked why not I would tell her point blank - you probably wouldn't like what you see.

DH and I are  very responsible and successful adults. Who have a good time in our free time and I show it on FB. I am  very careful with my privacy and only friend people who I am close to.

However, those are my choices. Likewise, your DIL can choose how to deal with FB. If you don't like it, you can unfriend her, or to avoid drama, block yourself from getting her updates and ignore her page.

Once my MIL looked at my FB and made a comment to me about something she didn't like - she went through my BIL's page. I told her what I put on there was my business and that was the end of the conversation. I deleted BIL from my friends and when we both had time I spoke to him about why I did that. He apologized and explained that MIL went on when he wasn't home. I re-friended him with the understanding that if he let MIL sneak onto his account again I'd have to unfriend him again.

I think when relationships are how they are - not great - you have to ask yourself, is this comment I'm about to make so important that its worth destroying our relationship? Is it SO important that you 'have your say!!' that it is worth a potential cut off? This is just the reality for a lot of the IL's on this site. Is it worth it?

[alohomora]

AND I cut myself off! 

My two cents on your situation, OP, would be something like this:

DIL - I want to apologize for my comments. While not an excuse, I recognize we come from different generations and that perhaps It's best to avoid a friendship on FB in order to keep the peace. I  think you're a great mother and I will support you always.

Short - sweet - something along those lines maybe. Just a thought.

[Shelby]

aloho -
Unlike your MIL, grama2four did not sneak onto her DIL's FB page.  The fact that your MIL accessed your FB page through your BIL's page proves the point that FB is not really private.  Your MIL may owe you an apology.  Grama2four owes no apology. 

[Doe]

Well, I still think that if the kids aren't in danger, then Grama should leave it alone.  I doubt she is going to bring about any changes by berating the DIL about FB behavior.  It'll still be going on but Grama won't know about it.

The apology could be useful as a social device rather than a moral stance.  Apologizing may keep this shredded relationship somewhat intact so that there could be some future communication.  You don't have to apologize for worrying about the kids, just for hammering her about FB content (which is her right within the FB guidelines).

If it hasn't already happened, Grama, I would unfriend her ASAP so you won't subject yourself to things that you can't tolerate.  Email her and let her know that FB was just too much for you.  Let her think you're just old fashioned.  If you give her this trump card you have a better chance of staying in the family game if that's what you want.

[Pooh]

Is it SO important that you 'have your say!!' that it is worth a potential cut off? This is just the reality for a lot of the IL's on this site. Is it worth it?

Every person here has unique situations and there is a major difference between someone that wants "the last word" or "has their say" versus DILs and MILs alike, that are on this site, that are trying to communicate and hold conversations.  We will not generalize.

[Pen]

I think when relationships are how they are - not great - you have to ask yourself, is this comment I'm about to make so important that its worth destroying our relationship? Is it SO important that you 'have your say!!' that it is worth a potential cut off? This is just the reality for a lot of the IL's on this site. Is it worth it?

By George, I think I've got it! It's all about who's got the most to lose.

DIL felt free to say the rude, critical things she said & did ("having her say") because she didn't care if she destroyed our "relationship." I put up with the rude, critical things she said & did (not speaking up about it) because I did not want to be cut off from DS. D-oh! I obviously had the most to lose, and she used it to her advantage....until DS stepped up and put a stop to it by letting her and the ILs know we were in his life forever.

I will not play that game in the future, allowing myself to be blackmailed by my love for DS. When the GC arrive I'm sure this issue will be raised again, and I will be much better prepared and much wiser. I hope.

[lancaster lady]

They also dole it out because they know they have the winning hand, and we have too much to lose .It's not worth degrading ourselves to catch the crumbs we are thrown . Stand proud , why should we grovel for every little hello . We are worth more than that .

[tryingmybest]

BINGO! And that's then name of "the rock and the hard place" we are all squashed into. And some times I think some DIL's really love to make MIL's angry so they can shrink back and cry about how awful their monster mother in laws are, and there goes the relationship which they want to cut off to begin with. Sometimes it's a set up ladies. 

When DS is confronted with an angry mother, and "his poor wife" -  mom goes out the window, and there goes the relationship. We get angry at our sons for completely ignoring what's going on, and DIL gets what she wants MIL and FIL out of the picture.

That's why I think it's key for the first couple of years anyway, to have no expectations at all, let everything be on the couple's terms and retire gracefully into the background. Lovingly detach, mourn the loss of your former relationship with your son, because believe me it's gone. and concentrate on YOU. My aim is anyway when the dust settles with the newly weds my son and I and hopefully my DIL can create a new relationship . Hope springs eternal anyway because right now the girl is driving me nuts!

[lancaster lady]

It's hard to get the right balance for a relationship ...
Showing we care without becoming overbearing , also being laid back and showing we care !
Darned if we do and darned if we don't .
Perhaps its better to act with what we are comfortable with and let them get on with it , 'cos whatever we
do or don't do it will be wrong !
I think you're right Trying:  to back off until they are ready to share , however my DS and DIL have been together
for five years and I'm still getting it wrong !

[tryingmybest]

I'm just hoping the approach works, who the heck knows? life has sure gotten more complicated.