FB troubles with DIL

[pam1]

I dunno, I can party with the best of them and not have one sip of alcohol lol.  I'm a fairly stable parent and we have parties all the time when the kiddos are asleep, usually the kids have a sleepover and the adults kick back.  In my world, partying doesn't automatically equal falling down, belligerent drinking.  And yes, there is probably some pix on my friends facebook pages with me being silly holding a beer in my hand.  It still doesn't mean I'm drunk or otherwise incapable of taking care of the kiddos if there was an emergency.  And the same goes for my friends (otherwise they wouldn't be one lol.)

About the joke, it's a little crass....but am I the only who thought it was funny?  I'd laugh over that, nothing she said or described indicates anything other than a humorous take on an awkward issue happening in their home. 

So, my point being, I think unless you know for sure those kids were in danger (and at the point bringing in authorities would be the best bet) that your reaction was way over the top.  Like a PP said, there are many different ways of parenting and kids grow up fine.  Now abuse?  Not cool but nothing even remotely indicates that in what you posted. 

IMO, it would be best to apologize.

tryingmybest, I don't think we ever lost the right to express our opinion.  But like everything else in life our actions have consequences.  I can voice my negative opinion all day to someone but can't make them sit there and listen to it or make them be my friend afterward.  Thats why IMO, it's very important to take with our words.  Don't assume or jump to conclusions.  Somethings are way better left unsaid and you can't unring a bell etc.

[Ruth]

Gramma you've done nothing wrong, feeling badly and getting shoved against the wall does not necessarily mean you've done a bad thing.  Since there are grandchildren involved, I think if I were in your place I'd just let it all blow over and do nothing else.  It will probably backfire if you take it over her head, i.e. to your son.  The main thing is to not sever yourself from your grandchildren because it may come about that they will need you, so I'd just observe and keep silent for a time.  that's just my opinion.  Try and soothe yourself and don't take this to heart, you did a noble thing but it was not received in a fruitful way.  Something's going on there, if this dil's behavior is changing, I have noticed with my DD over the years that sometimes she will connect with a new 'best friend' and it can get crazy for a while, until she comes to her senses and the storm passes.  sending you caring thoughts.

[Begonia]

Grama:  I admire you for speaking up about this.  I would not apologize for bad behavior on the part of your DIL--that seems as if you would be making an apology for being a caring grandmother.  True, what our DS and DD do is their business, but FB is PUBLIC.  If they did not want you to see things, they should hide their posts from you.  And, I do believe more and more that FB does huge damage to family and friend relationships. 

I feel the same as you about FB and what's appropriate.  And an 8 yr old has no business on FB IMO.  And the stuff about the little guy is totally off base I think.  I probably would look at it as exploitative. 

I was VERY worried about my GD when her mom (my DD) let her have a FB account when she was 9.  I looked at a few of her photos and then hid her posts.  Likewise with my DD, who posts inappropriate stuff and links to trashy things.  I am on FB less and less.

Having said all that I think it's up to you to stop looking at any of your DIL posts (do the hide thing).  It can drive a person crazy.  And like someone else said, it can blow way out of proportion in our minds.  There is a generational language and if you look at the popularity of Family Guy and many of the shows that show one rape after another, then these FB photos are very tame.  It is not a language that we are thinking appropriate for our GC, yet they are exposed to this stuff a thousand times a day. 

It's kind of like when our kids went to a high school dance and we suspected  they had been drinking but had no proof.  FB puts it in your face and that is what is so wrong about it.  On the other hand, I really enjoy seeing photos of family reunions, etc.

Probably the reason your DIL got so mad is that she knows you are right and she is embarrassed that her bad behavior is there for you and others to see.  I still think it's good you called her on it.  Let her simmer down, she will come around.  Don't set up her being in control of you....you can see dozens of posts here where we struggle to get out from that.  Keep posting!!

[Pen]

...what she posts could affect her ability to get a job, or her husbands job prospects. you ask any lawyer or human resource director everyone checks out facebook postings when making hiring decisions or in legal proceedings. If someone leaves one of their parties, hammered and gets into a wreck and kills themselves or someone else, those FB posts can be used to show a pattern of negligent behavior that could leave both of them on the hook for massive legal judgements. You are looking out for their well being As well as the welfare of your grandchild, and you communicated your concern in a private respectful way....

Good points, TMB.

Welcome, Grama24. Glad you're here, sorry you are dealing with this stuff

[grama2four]

Yes my son is partying too. I haven't complained to him about her posting and calling my GS a pervert because I felt like I'd be a tattle tale and also because my DIL's sisters made comments " like father like son." I just don't know what she's thinking posting this stuff.

In regards to the photos it wasn't IMO a proper silly or funny drunk photo appropriate for face book...which is why i commented.

under her photo she stated    " It must have been a good night , i woke up and found this on my phone"  it was a photo of her with an adult toy in her mouth. That belongs in the bedroom. She is friends with my 8 yr old GD who may see that stuff. In fact I found out that it should be reported to Fb if there is a child  on there under 13 and if they can prove it they will delete their acct.

If I get kicked off of here for the photo description on  this post please know ..You are all so helpful and I appreciate your input. I was so  feeling guilty about all this. My DH says that I feel guilty about everything. I'm trying to do better. I refrained from mailing the letter today. Thanks again all of you

[pam1]

grama2four, don't worry about being kicked off, while graphic you also worded it sensitively.  I'll check with the other mods to see what they think, if inappropriate, we will just modify it.

And now with your clarification, I will say you're totally correct.  Very inappropriate indeed.  Insanely inappropriate.  But is it proof of anything?  I don't know, maybe they have designated parent night where one doesn't drink.  Who knows, but definitely you did the right thing with your concerns and have reason to monitor the situation.

Is her fb private?  Or can anyone see it?  I ask b/c while I'm not sure what, if anything, an authority might do if you reported your concerns (I'm afraid that is your only recourse since DS seems to be ok with it) and you do not have access to this stuff.  And if the situation is escalating it would be helpful if you could monitor.  Perhaps you can take some screen shots but I'm totally out of my element with advice on this techno stuff.

[tryingmybest]

With the current changes in Face Book, you have to get privacy settings just right, or else what ever is posted goes to friends and THEIR friends. Anyone can copy a picture off FB and do whatever they want with it. it can be so dangerous. The picture sounds really awful, and you did what you could do. I would not apologize, but I would may- be write an email to your son snd tell him you wrote the letter to you DIL, out of concern, say you are sorry she got upset, but you did it out of love and concern for them, you recognize they will make their own choices, and they will live with the consequences and you won't speak of it again. Then step back and don't contact them for awhile. If you DIL is gearing up to punish you for you audacity in calling her on her idiotic behavior, it'll really make an impact if  you don't show up for the abuse.

[sesamejane]

imho:

Nothing to apologize for when you speak your truth and with love, then let it go.  I agree with Pooh in that I would feel terrible if something happened and I had never opened my mouth. 

Just thinking: I wonder if dil and ds are having some difficulties because it sounds like they are running as fast as they can away from responsible parenting.  Maybe their relationship is in trouble too.  I might copy and paste the offensive posts and put them wiht the letter in a file - just in case things get sticky or accusations are made that are not true. 

I suppose I would go on with my life and leave the door open for reconciliation.  Speak kindly and respectfully, continue to love - be a good role model.  If she speaks with anger, maybe I would say, "I felt I had to say something because I care about you and your family.  Enough said; you know how I feel, and I know how you feel. Let's leave it at that; agree to disagree."

[lancaster lady]

The reason I raised showing your DS the FB posting is although he is at these parties he might not want the world to see their goings on . He might have no idea what she is posting .How would he feel if his colleagues saw.his wife in an uncompromising situation, or his boss ! These FB postings have far reaching affects resulting as sackings in this country. As for the little guy seeing.his mom like that .....?   Sure she can do what she wants in the privacy of her.home , but keep it private ..  ......This forum enables us to voice our opinions , but.at the end of the day , that's what they are opinions .We all differ . However it's your family and if it makes you uncomfortable what you're seeing you can hide the posts and say nothing or voice your concern to your DS . I think you were right ...... in my opinion .

[Pooh]

I started reading and was going to say pretty much the same thing Pam said this morning.  After my DC reached about the age of 10, we would have our friends over to play cards about once a month.  All the kids would go off to the bedrooms or living room and play video games, movies or whatever while the adults played cards in the dining room.  Yes, there was beer and alcoholic drinks around, but no one was getting drunk and there was usually two of us not drinking at all.  I am not a big drinker and never was.  I never drank around my kids at all but it didn't bother me for them to see someone having a beer.  I am also guilty of posting some pics on FB where there is a drink in a pic.  I just posted my cruise pics this month and purposefully took pics of my pretty drinks.  I don't care if people know I have an occasional drink, but all the pics are tasteful in appearance.

But after reading this morning what the picture was and said, and knowing your 8 yro GD is on her Mother's page, I am just going to say that I wouldn't apologize one whit!  Oh my gosh!  Yes, everyone can chose their own parenting style and do things their way, but there is no excuse for exposing an 8 yro to a pic of their Mother like that.  IMO, if she wants to post pics like that of herself for her friends, coworkers, etc. to see, that is very bad taste, but ok, her choice.  But knowing her child is on there?  No excuse.

I wouldn't apologize and just leave it alone right now, saying nothing more and see what happens between you. 

[Doe]

I think that speaking to the DIL is pretty useless, being the crass person that she is. 

But,Grama, if you feel the child is in danger, you should go full bore.  Call social services and see what they recommend.

[Scoop]

But Gramma, you criticized her parenting, how did you think she would react?  It doesn't matter how nicely I say it, but if I tell someone they suck as a parent, they won't be happy about it.

The thing is, you don't know if she blocked that picture from her 8 y/o (you can do that).  Does the 8 y/o actually USE the account?  Because often people will make multiple profiles, so they can play some of the games (I'm looking at you Farmville).

I agree that maybe you should tell her that it would likely be best for you to NOT be friends on FB, but that you hope you can remain so IRL (in real life).

[Pooh]

I cautioned my YS when he joined the Military about his FB page and things he wrote or posted.  It could reflect on his Military career if he posted pics of him out drinking with his buds or innappropriate things.  I guess he could have considered that criticism and got mad at me, cussing at me and telling me it was none of my business.  Instead, he chose to listen and understand I was trying to help him.

[Shelby]

But Gramma, you criticized her parenting, how did you think she would react?  It doesn't matter how nicely I say it, but if I tell someone they suck as a parent, they won't be happy about it.

Scoop - Gramma only reacted to what DIL put in the public arena.  Anything on the internet is like a billboard on an interstate highway.  Gramma was not being nosy or intrusive.  She didn't go to DIL's house and find these pic in a drawer while she was babysitting.  The DIL put them on the blooming internet for crying out loud.  Gramma is entitled to say or do whatever she wants when DIL shoves it in her face like that.  And knowing your MIL is your FB friend, when you put something like that on FB, you are shoving it in MIL's face. 

Gramma - No apologies.  Stick to your guns.  You may be the only stable figure for the children.  You didn't ASK to see these pics.  They are very very public.  If DIL doesn't want comments, she shouldn't put pics like that on the internet.  I would not unfriend her, though.  If there are concerns about children's safety, your access to her FB postings could be valuable insight as to whether children's protective services should be contacted. 

I think that speaking to the DIL is pretty useless, being the crass person that she is. 

But,Grama, if you feel the child is in danger, you should go full bore.  Call social services and see what they recommend.

Doe - as usual, you are right on target. 

[Begonia]

Just my humble opinion, but I would completely discourage you from social services in any regard until you know if this is a HUGE issue and relates to child safety.  Even then, the less government in my house the better.  I have yet to see good outcomes when SS is involved.  Hold back and let the smoke settle and hopefully you calling attention to this behavior will stop it.  Grammas are good at that and often our family listens to us, even if they won't admit it.  This is why we are called Wise Women!  Stay strong!