Will things ever get better?

[Depressedmom]

I need some advice.  I have two aldult sons.  My older son (29) has no respect for me no matter what I do for him, and while my younger one (27)is far from perfect, he is not disrespectful.  Also, they hate each other and  whenever I think things may get better between them, something else happens (one time  the older one punched the younger one in the face twice because of a sock).   Any hopes I ever had  for their relationship to improve are gone.  I thought as they got older and matured things would get better but it seems to be getting worse.  I never loved one child more than the other.   I still love them both the same.
  However, my older son and I  are not speaking at this time.   We have a history of problems,  but  have been getting along for a while.   This time I was helping  him with a medical problem,  but he felt I was not taking his problem seriously enough  ( I was very concerned and told him I would help him any way he wanted me to) but I disagreed whith him about something  and  the entire conversation went south and ended whith him telling me [using vile language] that he hates my guts and where I can go.
  I'm so tired of this disrespect.   Even if he hates me,  I do not  know why he feels that he can talk to me like this.  Since he was a little boy I have always told him I loved him and  how smart and handsome he is.  But he hates his life, his job, me, his brother,  everything.  He is always angry.   I wish he could be content.
I was a single mom for many years.  I  wasn't perfect but I tried my best. 
My X was  control freak alcholic with a mean streak and  always had to be right.  Both boys as they got older realized what a jerk he actually is.   
  We seperated when they were about 10 and 8.  The boys and I did everything together and were very close.   Now I'm so depresed by the way things have turned out I just cry and cry.  It will never end.  I do not know what to do.

[Doe]

Hi D-

Well,  you have come to the right place.   That's a big step. You must have reached the level where enough is enough because you found this place.

You know how if you watch bad news and crime shows on tv all the time everything looks bad and the world looks like a treacherous place?  You have to change the channel.   

You have to change the channel away from this one son of yours.  You can't fix his life but you can fix yours.  It's not easy for most of us, but there are many wonderful women here who will help you find your strength again.

[Depressedmom]

Hi Doe, Thank you for your encourgment and support.  I just wish my older son could be happy and content, even if he hates me.    I worry about him so much. 

[Doe]

I know what you mean.   One thing I've been working on is to fill up my life with enough other 'good' people and activity and noise so I have less attention to put toward worrying. 

I hope you'll read through some of the threads here - you'll probably find a lot of stories that sound familiar to you.

[Nana]

Dear depressed Mom

I have a friend that is having the same problem especially with one of his boys.  He is also an adult now.  He blames her for everything that happens to him....and also blames her for the things he cannot achieve.   He tells her that he hates her and a lot of awful things to her.  Speaking to my friend, I told her that I feel that he doesnt hate her, he hates his life.  It is easy to blame Mom because they know they are loved and will always be forgiven.   Some children or even adults feel that the world owes them.  That they deserve better and are never satisfied.

He is measuring you...the more you take the more he will offend you and make your life miserable.  So I guess you know what you have to do.  It is difficult but you should try asking him to leave if he isnt happy being with you.  Rule 1 ---respect. 

He not getting along with his younger brother is another issue.  Probably they shouldnt be together either.   

It is a very difficult situation, I know.  The wise women in this forum will give you great advice.   Welcome to our family.  We are here for each other.  You will find a solution here.  Just listen carefully to the advice given here.  Many are in similar situation and can understand and help you.

Love

[Pen]

Welcome, Depressedmom. I'm glad you're here, but sorry you have to be

Please read the Forum Agreement and the history of the site under the topic Open Me First on the home page. We ask all new members to do so to make sure you know the policies.

You will find as you read old threads that many people have gone through similar heartbreaks, as Doe said. As Luise, our fearless leader, says: "You were a whole person before you had kids and you will be a whole person again." At some point we need to understand that our AC (adult children) will make their own ways in this world and may need to do it w/o us. It's heartbreaking, especially when there are other issues affecting the relationship. As Nana says, we're here for you, as you will be for others as we all work on healing and moving forward.

[Keys Girl]

But he hates his life, his job, me, his brother,  everything.  He is always angry.   I wish he could be content.
I was a single mom for many years.  I  wasn't perfect but I tried my best. 
My X was  control freak alcholic with a mean streak and  always had to be right.  Both boys as they got older realized what a jerk he actually is.   
  We seperated when they were about 10 and 8.  The boys and I did everything together and were very close.   Now I'm so depresed by the way things have turned out I just cry and cry.  It will never end.  I do not know what to do.

It seems the single moms are always blamed for everything, I would suggest you go to Alanon, the long term effects of alcoholic on children and their families are well documented.

Just because he blames you for anything, doesn't make it so, did he blame you for making sure he had clothing, food and shelter and care while he was growing up?  What's next, he's going to blame you for World War II? the Korean War? the common cold.  The blame game is easy to play and is usually played by people who don't want to do something about their own lives.

If he hates his life, HE will have to learn to do something to change that.

Things will not always turn out how you had envisioned them, it's sad but true, but you can still have a happy and satisfying life, while your sons move on to carving out their own lives and futures.

I would tell him to pack his bags and find somewhere else to live, he can use a new target for his blame.  Alanon can help you get through the rough times and understand the dynamics of the relationship.

[lancaster lady]

Hi DepressedMom and Welcome .....

Please do not put up with any more abusive behaviour .
Of course he will blame you for everything , if you let him .
He is 29 and needs to move on, your house , your rules .
He is far too big for the naughty step , but 20 odd years ago that's where he would be sitting.
why take the abuse just because he's older .
Give him an ultimatum , he either shapes up ....or ships out !!

[Pooh]

Welcome DepressedMom.  I'm with Keys.  People that blame all their problems on someone or everyone else are usually the ones that will not take responsibility for their own choices.  It's always someone else's fault.  You are an easy target for him right now because he knows you love him and will take it from him.  So remove that bullseye from your back girlie!  Refuse to be his duck in that shooting gallery. 

I am in the same boat as you, so I totally understand and it stinks.  I have a OS that doesn't speak to me because I refused to be part of his drama any longer, and a YS that I have a very fun but respectful relationship with.  OS doesn't call his YS either any longer and they were very close growing up.  YS will call him and basically give him down the road for not calling him.  They are both adults now and that relationship is truly between them.  I wanted them to be close as adults, but that's not my call any longer.  I know you hate it for them, but you need to step back from that one and let them deal with it.  You should be concentrating on yourself and taking back your life.

[Depressedmom]

I would like to thank everyone for their help and support.  I have been reading the replies to my problem and reading other peoples' threads and their and advice given to them.   
My OS was asked to leave the house when he was 18- he was giving me so much grief that I could not take it anymore.    He went to live with his father.  I was told by everyone to get him out of the house.  We were not on speaking terms for about 1 yr and then he wanted to come back home.  His YB was against it - (so much that he developed OCD and had to be on medication) but after a while and after counseling, I let the OS come back under certan conditions.  Well, I thought he would be so gratefull to be back home  after living with his father that he would be wonderful.  Tthat did not happen, and to this day he resents me for "kicking" him out (along with everything else that he resents me for).  He feels I sould have asked the YS to leave instead- The OS has no clue.
So by me asking him to leave did not help my situation out.  He now lives in his grandmother's house which is two doors down, he moved out about 2 years ago when I remarried.   We have been on and off good terms until this last episode when I felt it was really terrible how he spoke to me.  I try to help him out with food, money, whatever but he never remembers the good things I have done.  He does not do drugs or drink but  has a motercycle he rides fast.  He is  self destructive and I worry about him. 

[Pooh]

So he's 29 and has never had a place of his own.  He's went from your house, his Father's, your house and now back to GM's.  You are still providing somewhat for him.  He has not taken on any responsiblity to make his own way in life. 

So I want to ask...at what age or point do you think you should stop providing for him and that he is responsible for himself? 

[Doe]

I wanted to add - don't kick yourself for being a single mom.  We raised our kids in a stable happy home with the regular middle class amenities, with freedom and power of choice for my sons (as well as sound rules) and we still went through wretched detachment phases with both of them.     In your case, it's the son, not the Mama.

[sesamejane]

Oh absolutely, this young man is crying out for detachment.  What will he be like at 40 at 50 if this continues?  He must be given a chance to fend for himself ... to sink or swim ... remember that this is a good move for you *and* for him!  Give him a compass for Christmas...that's it

I know it is not easy.  Time to look after  your own life.  You deserve it.

[Ruth]

Dear one, no one can answer your title question, but I can promise you that if you read and interact with the WW here, YOU will get better, and that will make all the difference in the world in your quality of life!  Your son is WAY past the age where he should be on his own, it isn't even on the table as to whether or not he moves back home.  Unless he is physically or mentally disabled, he has his own home - period end of story!  ... in whatever form he chooses that to be - pup tent, homeless shelter, room, apartment, or lakefront villa.   His attitudes are his own, also,  as my DS's are, they can choose to hate and blame, or the can choose to love and forgive, and find good things in their lives.

I thought for many years that things would get better.  My DS hates me and works actively at keeping the hate alive.  I thought patient love and kindness would eventually heal that poison, but it did not.  I do not communicate with him now.  He is over 30, but self sufficient and functions fine as far as career and finances.  He was always very condescending, insolent, and rude to me even as a young child.  I haven't changed my position of love for my son, but I no longer am a beggar nor a doormat. 

Last night I got this on my mind, and it began to throw me back into that awful abyss of pain.  I started thinking about and projecting how my DS sees me, and perceives me as his Mom.  And I thought about my own father, who was a raging alcoholic and had the emotional maturity of a 9 yr old.  He molested all us little girls at one time or another.  He was crude, begrudging, wasteful, silly, and brutal.  I hated him, when he died I hate to admit it but I was glad it was over. 

Last night I started thinking that I guess this is how my DS sees me.  That began to hurt and I felt like a knife was in my gut.  But then I backed up, and I thought now Ruth, did you ever molest your DS?  Did you not continually try in your feeble way to heal his feelings and help him be a happy child?  Did you not always keep your word?  Were you not compassionate to him?  Did you keep him warm, and fed and dry and make it a point to not make him feel afraid of you?  and I answered myself, yes, I did all those things.....but I did this crap and that crap and blah blah, '   at some point, I pulled the plug again.  Yes, I remarried and it was not the best decision for my DS, yes I lost my way for a time and wasn't functioning well with the depression.  But that's enough.  I did far far better than my father, and if my DS can't find it in his heart to remember a loving mother who pressed against the odds and gave what she could, then its just his loss.  I am finished.

sorry for digressing, but if I can get past the awful situation of my life and all the pain I've had on my plate for many years, so can you.  I'm just a plain, ordinary person. 

[lancaster lady]

Aww Ruth ,

We do the best we can , that's all we can do .....you said he functions well as far as career and finances go .
In my book , that means you did a good job !!
Not your fault he's a jerk !

love you Ruth