Jealousy

[Pen]

My DS doesn't take to my reminding him that we are here too...it makes him feel guilty, or torn, or something. One time he lamely said, "But you guys live so far away" as if that was a good excuse. Um, we stayed put...he and everyone else in DH's and my families moved away!

[justanoldgrandma]

One of my biggest jealousy triggers is FB.  DIL posts hundreds of pics of her friends and their outings together (no problem there except no time for us) and worse, many pics of her FOO w the gc while the FOO are at their house and vice versa.  Every member of the family and their spouses are shown holding the gc.....

We hold the gc whenever we visit, change diapers, play w them as well as doing chores the dil's FOO doesn't do for her (cleaning, cooking, laundry; and we are glad to do it; she does appreciate it and so does ds); but there are never pics of us on FB.....

DH says he doesn't want his pic on FB and finds pics of the kids to be rather dangerous if the security settings aren't set just right; some weirdo can find easily where the children live..... esp. when the young ladies tell their schedules, mention when they'll be gone, where they go, etc.....

FB can be hacked into!  Zuckerman's acc't. was hacked recently and pics of him posted!  i used FB very rarely partly bc of security issues, partly bc it's used a lot for ego satisfaction (see how often I get my gc (dil's dm), etc.........

(No offense to those who like FB!  Just be sure of your security settings and don't reveal much about your location, esp. when posting about the gc.)   I use the pm feature if I have no email address for a friend of mine and I don't post on dil's site bc I'm sure she'd find it invasive.

Anyway, back to the main subject.......... I find that I have to limit myself to how often I look at FB (I just look at my email to see if someone has contacted me ) otherwise I find myself jealous that dil/ds are living it up w her FOO, seeing gc when dh and I are alone on holidays.....

I have to remember if something is triggering, don't go there!  (I try not to ask too many questions of dil about her FOO and their visits bc the green monster rears its ugly head!)  Ignorance is bliss!

[SusieQ123]

At one time I was extremely hurt and jealous of my DS's dad & step mom going on their honeymoon with them, me not getting invited to the rehearsal dinner, and it always seemed like they were going over to watch games, etc.  The DIL's DM lived down the block from them and I felt very neglected and left out, which was understandable because I was.  I could go on, but you get the picture.

I do not have a jealous nature, but this was difficult to deal with.  Whenever I have these feelings, I pray about it.

Since my son and I are getting closer, I discovered that he is not close to his dad because he betrayed a confidence and he doesn't trust him anymore.  I learned that DS's MIL who is single has been dating a married man openly for over 15 years.  DS did not like going to all the family gatherings on her side.  It was not at all what I thought. 

My point is that there are sometimes family dynamics that are not visible to others.  My perspective was the above, but maybe their perspective of me was just as idealistic - that I am an independent woman, do not need a man to survive, can take care of myself, I have enough self respect to not stay in an abusive relationship.  This is all true, but no one sees the difficulties I have faced, financial, loneliness, health, spiritual, job related problems, etc.   Earlier this year I was homeless for 3 weeks and had to move in with my brother.  I'm just sayin' sometimes my life has really sucked.

I learned that there was a reason for the DIL's attitude towards me and my family and it was more about what was going on in her family than me.  I feel very sorry for my soon to be ex DIL.

For 11 years I sucked it up for my DGS.  I never complained once until just a few months ago when I told DS I wasn't happy with our relationship.  Sometimes an issue needs to be brought to the light before it gets resolved, but the timing needs to be right.

[justanoldgrandma]

I do not have a jealous nature, but this was difficult to deal with.  Whenever I have these feelings, I pray about it.

I never complained once until just a few months ago when I told DS I wasn't happy with our relationship.  Sometimes an issue needs to be brought to the light before it gets resolved, but the timing needs to be right.

SusieQ, it does help to pray; when I get so upset, I pray that God take away my anger.

We are told sometimes never to complain bc it will sometimes result in a cut-off; but I finally said something to ds and we now have more visits; I made it short and sweet but he is smart and sensitive; I know he talked with his dw who didn't want to acknowledge we were being neglected; ds didn't even know bc we never complained (referring to your comment about mentioning a problem.....)  DSs need to know sometimes!

DS has gradually realized that his father and I are better w the gc and in generally running our lives more smoothly, in not spoiling the gc so much as his ILs (which makes it harder on the parents!)  DS actually is being more strict w the older gc bc of a comment I made and said he had watched me interact w gc  and liked it!  (So he does get it!  Said he was so glad we were there bc we are such good help.... wow!)

Yes, I'm jealous that we get no holiday on the Days and never will; but we do get some time, and now I'm exhausted; maybe it's good to get so tired you just don't care anymore!

One thing, though.... someone said that the less needy get more time.  Not in the IL's family, though; they dictate when and where and generally rule it all (tradition.)  We just say, do what is best for your family; that we care about your exhaustion.....I think they are appreciating our lack of insistence.....

Ds is so uncritical and dil loves her FOO so much, but still...... we hear snippets of the exhaustion of staying at dil's FOO so much; the lack of quiet, the difficulty of keeping the gcs' naptimes, the constant activity that is wearing when there are so many people around.....

Pen, I'm getting less jealous bc when we find out that it's not so perfect at the ILs, the lack of consideration, I'm glad dh and I are who we are!  DS and dil are  actually beginning to appreciate us; and although the time spent w us is much, much less, I am caring less; we are happier being ourselves and don't want to be the ILs!

Be glad you are who you are; ds may come to appreciate this himself; and if not, it's good to be yourself!

[Pen]

Good post, JAOG.

SusieQ, it's not all perfection @ DS's IL's either, as I've recently found out. My jealousy grows when I don't hear from DS for weeks. The other day DS was free to talk (DIL was out of town) and we had a long conversation. Voila! Jealousy gone!

[justanoldgrandma]

SusieQ, it's not all perfection @ DS's IL's either, as I've recently found out. My jealousy grows when I don't hear from DS for weeks. The other day DS was free to talk (DIL was out of town) and we had a long conversation. Voila! Jealousy gone!

Pen, great that you got to talk w ds freely!  I feel that we parents of dsons get a lot fewer phone calls, letters, texts, FB, you name it, bc in this case dil is a sahm (which is a hard job!) but she has more free time than many sahms bc of the help of ds who spends weekends and nights w chores and the children.

At least in my situation..... we get a lot less contact bc ds is not a phone talker, texter, etc.  I am fortunate that dil will answer my infrequent emails when I need to ask about something..... once in a while ds will call when dil is out and we get to talk to gc; makes our day! 

DS is beginning to see that they spend so much more time at dil's FOO; although he isn't rebelling, it's just good to know he's seeing it a bit and knows we miss them.  He's seeing the discrepancy ...... and I do think he mentions it to dil bc although she isn't about to not be at her foo's for all holidays and bdays, she does say they will try to get to both houses the same day; we tell her no, it's too much for the gc and for them and her family would be unhappy to let them leave; so in not insisting on something exhausting for them, we are the good guys; and we don't want an exhausted family!

I know it's fun city at dil's foo with so many people and children and ds does love activity and company and our family is very small; so I envision big parties and constant fun while ds and I sit at home or go to the movies or maybe next year plan a get-away; right now we are exhausted from the early Christmas!  But actually the big get-togethers aren't nearly as peaceful and perfect as I had envisioned; with that many people there has to be some conflicts; when they visit us we are on our best behavior.

So... guess the old saying, "Nothing is as good or bad as we envision" is true!

[newhera]

I think a little jealousy is normal reaction, as you would want to have attention by yourself. Just don't overdo it so as to impair your relationships

[catchingup]

What amazes me about this whole situation with the FOO families is this.
If my son and  D.I.L were spending more time with us than the other parents I would encourage them to visit the other family more often
People are so self centered it boggles my mind.

[Kate123]

I found myself being very jealous over Thanksgiving and not having the Day. But my DS/DIL and GC came last weekend and we had a little christmas. It was really nice and I was happy that they came and felt like that was enough for me. I am not allowing myself to get worked up anymore, it was taking too much out of me to get upset and depressed. DS/DIL will be spending Christmas/New years week with DILs family at a resort, and yes I cringe with a little jealousy that I can't do that for them and have a full week of family togetherness, but I am more OK with it now then I was. Life is so much more peaceful if you don't think about things too much. DS and DD have me in a place that maybe I would not choose, but have to accept. So I bought myself some watercolors and will spend the holidays trying to do some paintings, a hobby that I let go when I had children. I am also planning to get together with people I have not seen - for an afternoon lunch. Life goes on- have to make the best of it.

[Pooh]

You go Kate!

[justanoldgrandma]

What amazes me about this whole situation with the FOO families is this.
If my son and  D.I.L were spending more time with us than the other parents I would encourage them to visit the other family more often
People are so self centered it boggles my mind.

When a friend asked why our family doesn't come for holidays, they are amazed how many years have passed since they were here (always at dil's foo.)  Never any alternating.

The friend said how selfish of the other FOO to assume only they are important and that my dil is uncaring that we are alone at holidays.  DS has been told this is the way it will be always, back when he fell for her.  I think he finally is catching on; we get more visits but I never want a contest of "we win" which we wouldn't anyway. 

It is amazing that some families think their long-standing traditions override anyone else's feelings........it's rather a clique!  I never neglected my ILs like this and neither did my parents....... strange how gparents even at an advanced age and their AC and all never think about the "outsiders."

A friend of mine "adopted" a family that has no functional family; they receive the visits and dinners and love that her AS now is jealous of their relationship bc he has followed the orders of his dw; he finally has increased his visits.....

When we move on, we are happier and the AC sometimes come around.  But for now I have my dh and I am so fortunate to have him! 

[pam1]

I know what you mean, jaog!  This is how my in laws are, they feel their 40 year traditions trumps anyone else taking turns.  The mind boggles.  As parents I would think they would know how my parents feel.....or how they felt themselves having Xmas morning with their nuclear family. 

But, that's on them.  Just b/c they expect it doesn't mean anyone has to comply. 

[JudyJudyJudy]

Before my daughter and I were estranged, she and her husband did the same thing.  I never got jealous because my daughter explained that they were just kissing up to the other side of family because they wanted to eventually get their money.  It is sad to think about too because family is the most important thing in the world and a person's mother or grandmother can never be replaced.

Hopefully our children will learn this lesson before we're all gone!

[SusieQ123]

I think a little jealousy is normal reaction, as you would want to have attention by yourself. Just don't overdo it so as to impair your relationships

I agree!  Jealousy is a valid emotion and a warning that something is not right in a relationship.  It's a normal reaction to many situations, whether a husband who flirts with other women, or an AC who overdoes it with the IL. 

DS is going through a divorce and the straw that broke the camel's back was a trip with her family to NYC over Thanksgiving.  They got into a big disagreement over it and he moved out that weekend.  Of course there was much more than that going on but he was very weary of everything being about her family. 

[JudyJudyJudy]

Susie,

You are so right.  When something is going wrong, there's a problem somewhere and usually it's hidden.  Once we figure out what the problem is and accept it, we can start healing.