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My Ex-DIL is still in control

Started by orphanedmominmn, October 08, 2011, 10:55:13 am

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The first thing I have to say about Ex-DIL will make most of you hate me for even thinking about complaining about her. I understand that because I wonder how I can complain about her myself. DS needed a kidney transplant last year and she gave it to him. I should be forever grateful, right? She should walk on water in my eyes, right? I am more than grateful for what she did. Until the day she dies, I will hold her in a special place for doing that. Unfortunately, it has become another aspect she uses to control me (and DS). So, I'm sure many of you will think I'm a horrible person and part of me can't blame you. But it doesn't change that I cannot deal with her.

She is not liked. By anybody (she has one friend that she refers to as the psycho bipolar b*tch.) She is controlling, manipulative, never wrong, argumentative, and by God if you don't agree with her 100%, look out. She is just plain mean. DS's friends have nothing to do with her, although she does "allow" DS to see them on a limited basis. My FOO tried to get along with her while she was married to DS, but after it ended, were overjoyed to have no contact. Sometimes I hurt so badly for her. She shared some of her childhood with me and a lot of the way she is, is because of that. A lot of her actions are to protect herself from being hurt by people. Honestly, I do love her and wish she would get some type of help but I can't take her treatment anymore.

After the divorce from DS, she and my GDs moved in with her FOO but were kicked out. DS asked me to take her in. I did and we made it work. We got along - a few problems but nothing big. She and DS got close again during that time. They continued to spend a lot of time together after she moved out. Then DS's kidney problems were diagnosed. I was at the hospital a lot. That upset her beyond belief. She wanted only her and the GDs there - their family. I'm mom, in my eyes, I'm family.

Being on home dialysis, DS couldn't take care of GDs by himself. He moved back in with Ex-DIL, even though he didn't feel their relationship was at that point yet. So, she was back in the picture full-time. It is okay to deal with a person like her on a limited basis. I could always just go home. She has rules and expects everyone to follow them. I just did because it was easier than not. I avoid conflict if at all possible and that is always been the way I've dealt with her - just let her have her way.

They have always had financial difficulties. She asked me to move in with them to help out financially. She said a lot of their financial problems were due to the kidney treatment, etc. It would look pretty bad for a mom not to want to help out in that situation. So, I did, even though I knew it was a stupid move.

It was bad from Day One and got worse. I could do nothing right. Her rules got stricter every day. I was told by others that they felt Ex-DIL treated me like one of her kids. Towards the end, the rules included that I could not wear high heels in the house because the clicking on the floor bothered her. I could not type in the living room because I type too loudly. My TV had to be turned off when they went to bed because it was too loud and bothered her. But it wasn't just the rules. I didn't get to have an opinion on anything - not if it was different than hers. If I didn't agree with her or do something her way, I got a two hour lecture on how I was wrong and being impossible.

The worst part for me was her treatment of my dog. She was abusive to him. Not so much physically, but that poor dog just shook whenever she was around. She hated him and didn't try to hide it. She wanted me to get rid of him and even went so far as to put an ad on the internet. She knew I had him when I moved in. In fact, I had him when they lived with me. I asked her many times to stop being so mean to him. She told me if I took better care of him, she wouldn't have to.

I finally blew up, got kicked out and now my DS will have nothing to do with me and they won't let me see my GDs (that has always been her method to punish me when I wasn't being good - another reason it was just easier to go along with her).

And still, I know her behavior is because she is really, really hurting inside. I just can't let her treat me like that anymore - no matter why she does it. And right now I do hate her for keeping my GDs from me. She knows I love them and they love me. This is not good for anyone except that it shows she has control.

Keys Girl

It never helps to try to negotiate with terrorists.  She sounds like a controlling bully and just because she donated a kidney doesn't give her the right to use that or anything else to blackmail anyone.  Your son is in the grips of a control freak just as mine is.  I don't have any grandchildren so I am fortunate that there isn't that "chip" to be used to blackmail me.

Don't feel bad for any of the feelings you have for her, just concentrate on finding a new place to stay and rebuilding your life without allowing here access to you to hurt, humiliate or demean you.  In my experience these kinds of people are like rabid dogs, and the info you talked about how she felt about your dog is disturbing to me.  I think you will be better off in the long run to be away from her.  Your son has made a decision to marry her and he will have to deal with her or choose to submit to her bullying.

She didn't put a ring on your finger, I would drive on, and find a good outlet for the anger like a treadmill. 

Giving to get is reciprocity
Giving to give is generosity

Her motives in giving what she did don't buy her the ability to pull the strings on anyone's life - George Lopez recently divorced the wife who gave him a kidney and he's doing fine.
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown


Are you the one that was supposed be living a 'fear based' life?  You don't sound fearful to me - you sound ferocious!    ;D

The short story that I read here is:
" She asked me to move in with them to help out financially. ... So, I did, even though I knew it was a stupid move."  She helped your son, you helped them, it didn't work out.     

It's sad about the GK but even sadder about your DS who seems to be invisible throughout all this.


Hi OM, my heart goes out to you across the miles.  Please try and stop yourself from worrying about what 'we' think about you.  Your reality and your feelings are your own, and you don't need to apologize to anybody about it.  As I've gotten older, I don't necessarily see anybody as all bad or all good anymore, and anyway the fact is none us start from the same starting point.  some of us have better genes and circumstances to work with from day one, and some of us (I, thank you) are Scotch Irish rebels from the start and had to spend many years undoing just to get to the point to put my foot at the starting line. 

This is a teeth gritting situation.  Just because a person performs a noble act, does not necessarily mean it is selfless and motivated by love.  Power may be a motivation.  Control, manipulation by entitlement.  Your churning emotions just seem to me to be expected under these circumstances.  You won't make a similar mistake again like the move in.  If you continue to have a decent relationship with your son, then if I were in your position I'd tend to him as I saw fit.  You can just treat her as if she were a pillar of salt or something when she's in the room, and avoid any altercation or interaction with her, but by all that's holy you've got a long hard battle on your hands and you'll have to be strong and work it one day at a time.  I'd bring someone with me for visits if I were you, therefore keeping dil from ganging up on you.

May I ask how 'it ended in divorce'?   And are they still divorced?  This may signal the possibility that her days in your life are numbered.

You know, one of the most heinous things about this to me is someone who would be mean to a little dog.  There's just so many, many issues in your posts that are mean, and I don't think you're exaggerating or covering yourself.  If there's any place to get any answers to this, its here on this website. 


You have nothing to feel guilty about.  Don't confuse grateful with doormat.  She made a choice and you can be thankful for that, but you don't owe her.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Keys Girl

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown


Was it Fritz Perls who said?

"It may be your parents fault that you are the way you are, but it is your fault if you stay that way."  So much for her difficult background...

I agree; your relationship with her may be a moot point.  It sounds like a waiting game until she is gone.  Build a life for yourself, and son and gc will come around in time.