September 23, 2019, 12:54:20 am

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Hard Times

Started by Victim, January 16, 2010, 03:55:46 am

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

cremebrulee

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 16, 2010, 08:51:55 am
Creme, I'm glad you know of people who have good DILs.  I don't know any.  I've heard of it but don't know it first hand.


I'm the only one I know who has a problem...my cousin started out having a problem, years ago, but she said, always held onto the fact, that there was no way, she was going to allow her DIL to push her buttons so that she wouldn't see her son or Grand children, and she swallowed a lot, but now they are great friends and she watches her GC all the time...wish I had done the same thing, just never said a word....

Orly

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 17, 2010, 02:11:45 pm
Anna, I wonder what PPD is?  Did I have it, could I have had it?  I could have pulled all kinds of stunts if I had only known!   Drats!!



Chickie,
Fortunately I never had to worry about "suffering" Post-partum Depression,  just the regular everyday kind....so basically the only people I ever dream of "doing away with" are the really mean, nasty ones that go out of their way to be hateful to others.  Since I'm now menopausal, I'm getting really inventive in my daydreams.  Too bad I still keep my darker side squelched tight, it might be cathartic to go postal once in a blue moon....Dang, missed my chance on NEW YEAR's EVE!

2chickiebaby

It's great having daydreams, isn't it Orly?  We're menopausal and now we know about PPD and PDP and PDDPDD....watch out!  No one should have told us we could have all these things!

sadat46

Hi All,

I have been away for a while.  I have to confess that a couple of times my hurt has caused me to make some bad decisions like drink a little too much wine and then feel worse about everything.   Yeah I know this is bad.  This just makes you more emotional.   

I don't feel the knot in my stomach as much anymore,  but I can't even get my son to call me back.  I called him on his birthday and left a message and sent him a message but never heard from him.  I just never thought he would stay away from me because of someone.

I still can't believe all of this.  I really was so excited about the new baby and thought I was going to get to play a big part and I don't even get to see her.   

It stinks!!!!!

2chickiebaby

Dear Sadat,
I went back and read your first post where the DIL said you broke her rules.  I know you know that you shouldn't have spilled the beans now but I'm sure that at the time you just thought, like the idiots WE ARE that joy was spilling out and you were bursting to tell.

These infractions are not forgiven by these young women.  I don't know why but to them, any offense is "major cut off time".   I hope that you will not continue to let this eat your breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Believe me, I know how hard this is going to be.  You are in grief right now, just as in a death so I hope you will back WAY OFF of this for a long time.  Be the hold out; be the one to care about yourself enough to let her/him get in touch with you.

As Luise has said, this behavior is known as "cutting him  from the herd".  It will last as long as she needs it to to  feel in control.. and then and only then, will she will let you back in. 

It is infuriating.. I know it is. It makes me infuriated just to read your story!! >:(

No infraction can be forgiven because 'the little brat' is not yet in total domination of her husband.  She must dominate and whatever it takes to do that, she'll do. 

Wait this out.  Know that in some way she will allow him to have contact with you at some point. 
When he proves to her that she is the big head honcho boss, she will allow him back in. 


cremebrulee

Hello Sadat
I totally agree with not only Chickie's advice, but her explaination as to why they do what they do....it is most unfortunate, sad, and unthinking...and they are acting like Brat's as Chickie refers to them...
doesn't make your situation any easier, nor does it give you answers or help the pain your going thru, but the best thing you can do right now, is busy yourself....and I mean really busy yourself....lead your own life and when she's ready, she will send up smoke signals, and if you comply, hard as it is....she may also surprise you given time....

Big hugs, and instead of drinking wine, come in here and vent, or come over to my house and we'll make margarettas (sheesh, you guys are going to think I'm such a lush) 

Serioulsy...hugs hun and know your in our thoughts and prayers

sadat46

Thanks Creme and Chickie.  I really can cut them off for awhile.  I just feel guilty for cutting them off and not trying at all.   People say don't give up.  I will never give up but there is only so much rejection a person can handle.

It is kind of like being young or when I was divorced going after a guy that I liked more than he liked me and then him just not responding to my calls or messages so I said okay he is not into me.  LOL

Maybe they don't think that I have anything good to offer them as a parent or grandparent so that is just what hurts.

Thanks for listening.

Pen

Sadat46, you're right - it truly does stink. There's no reason for it. I can only imagine your grief; the little I've had to deal with compared to you is hard enough. You must take care of yourself so you can continue to take care of the rest of your family.

This site is such a comforting, safe place to land. {{Hugs}}

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

isitme?

Quote from: sadat46 on January 22, 2010, 07:28:16 am
Thanks Creme and Chickie.  I really can cut them off for awhile.  I just feel guilty for cutting them off and not trying at all.   People say don't give up.  I will never give up but there is only so much rejection a person can handle.

It is kind of like being young or when I was divorced going after a guy that I liked more than he liked me and then him just not responding to my calls or messages so I said okay he is not into me.  LOL

Maybe they don't think that I have anything good to offer them as a parent or grandparent so that is just what hurts.

Thanks for listening.


Sadat, I don't think you should give up either but the idea of cutting them off or giving them a "time out" might not be a bad one.  Don't let yourself feel guilty about it - maybe you can think of it as a "time out" that might allow you to keep trying in the future.  I know exactly what you mean about there only being so much rejection you can handle though, I think a lot of us here are dealing with that.  It's harder for me to comment on the MILs experiences here since I don't have the same level of experience but in my opinion, your DIL does sound like a brat.  It's so sad when people don't realize that their actions have an effect on others.  But I guess that is the definition of self-centered....  >:(

Invisible

smlgrammy,

Please tell me your secret. How are you able to insulate yourself from being hurt. I need to follow your advise.

Quote from: smlgrammy on January 16, 2010, 04:54:48 am
Survivor - Wow, I can't imagine being totally cut off from my son and the GC. How long has it been this way? I've read some of your "confession" posts, and truly admire your courage and honesty. Know you've been going to counseling also. How's that going? Is counselor working toward inviting son to participate to help in healing relationship with him? I certainly hope so. Please keep us posted. My heart breaks for you hon.

I won't allow my DIL to hurt me anymore. I took that power away from her a while ago. Early on, after her 1st child was born, she hurt me by ignoring me as a grandmother. What I mean by this, she never called to ask if I wanted to see the baby, but would arrange those times with her own mother and then tell me about the wonderful time they had. At first, I ignored it thinking she was trying to build a better relationship with her mom. That may sound a little trivial, but being completely left out time and time again took its toll. For several months, I never spent time with my GD alone. If I wanted to see her, I would have to call (felt I had to make appointment) and go to their house. Felt like she didn't trust me alone with her child. That hurt me because pre baby I believed we were pretty close and got along well. Wrong. As I said in an earlier post, "I don't know what demons were unleashed when she became a mother but she has never been the same person since".
Thus began the downhill slide and her true colors emerged. But . . . . she does not have the power to hurt me anymore. I took that away from her.

God bless Survivor - hope things improve for you, son and GC soon. (((((HUGS))))))

cremebrulee

Quote from: sadat46 on January 22, 2010, 07:28:16 am
Thanks Creme and Chickie.  I really can cut them off for awhile.  I just feel guilty for cutting them off and not trying at all.   People say don't give up.  I will never give up but there is only so much rejection a person can handle.

It is kind of like being young or when I was divorced going after a guy that I liked more than he liked me and then him just not responding to my calls or messages so I said okay he is not into me.  LOL

Maybe they don't think that I have anything good to offer them as a parent or grandparent so that is just what hurts.

Thanks for listening.


your right Sadat...and I thought of a suggestion while I was reading this post....don't think of it as cutting them off...and don't formally cut them off...just stay quiet, respond very nicely when they do, but let them alone for awhile and see what happens...

and yes, I know that hurt very well...and I wish no one would have to feel that kind of pain....that is why it's so important to cry, when you need to cry, and then move on...it's always a work in progress...but keeping as busy as possible is very, no, hugely important....

You know we all love you, and care...so, when it gets tough, come in and post, don't drink the wine and become more depressed, that's not good....and doesn't help a thing....

think positive, read, take an art course, or horseback riding lessons, adopt a little fur person, I did, and I can't tell you how much that helps....we do a lot of walks together and he is soooooo loving....

Big hugs
Creme

sadat46

Yes Creme,

I did get a new puppy and she is a lot of work and help.  Believe me I am extremely busy but sometimes find it hard to stay focused.  I work full time, have a 1 1/2 hour commute twice a day, hubby, 15 year old daughter, 19 year old step son.  I usually cook 4 to 5 nights a week and always on Sunday.  I go to church most Sundays.   

Marriage is not really great but we are working on it. 

Matter of fact, a warm vacation might be wonderful.  But that is only temporary.

I did try counseling but it is too expensive so this is my counseling.

cremebrulee

Quote from: sadat46 on January 22, 2010, 12:04:06 pm
Yes Creme,

I did get a new puppy and she is a lot of work and help.  Believe me I am extremely busy but sometimes find it hard to stay focused.  I work full time, have a 1 1/2 hour commute twice a day, hubby, 15 year old daughter, 19 year old step son.  I usually cook 4 to 5 nights a week and always on Sunday.  I go to church most Sundays.   

Marriage is not really great but we are working on it. 

Matter of fact, a warm vacation might be wonderful.  But that is only temporary.

I did try counseling but it is too expensive so this is my counseling.


LOL, well then, I guess we're covered?  Yes?

sadat46

Yes we are pretty covered.  I love the new dog, she is a mess but very loving.