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Hard Times

Started by Victim, January 16, 2010, 03:55:46 AM

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Pen

I wish I knew why this is so difficult. Some of you feel there is a jealousy issue on the part of DILs. Maybe so, but in my case I think our DIL sees people like us, just regular folks working hard to provide for our family but not uber-successful financially, as not worth having any feelings about. We're part of the great unwashed hordes. Who cares if we have feelings? Who cares if we're suffering? We don't merit a second glance.

The jealousy is on my part - I'm jealous of the imbalance of time DS spends with DIL's family vs. with our family.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

That can't be it, Penstamen....you write too well, phrase your words too well...smart and all that goes with it.  It can't be that she views you like that.

I wonder if it's the way you feel when you're around them due to their immense wealth?  It would be intimidating to anyone.  I told my husband that when I'm with CDIL and son, I don't feel good about myself.  She has stated that money is all that matters.  She has tons of it.

cocobars

Quote from: smlgrammy on January 16, 2010, 08:58:31 AM
cocoabars - I was able to take away DIL's power by eliminating any expectation that she would BE kind, SAY something kind, DO something kind, etc. If it happens, great, but I no longer expect it. That way, I am never disappointed nor hurt by her behavior.

You know, I have to believe that DIL's want a better relationship with MIL's - and it is abundantly clear here that MIL's want better relationship with DIL's so why do they and us work so hard to NOT have a good relationship? Very strange indeed. Comments/thoughts?

smlgranny, thanks.  I understand what you meant by that comment now.  It's so true that we all seem to work toward not having that relationship.  Very strange, but maybe due to each of us coming from a different perspective or point of view?  What do you think?

Pen

Hey, thanks Chickie! That's one thing I managed to drag away from my old 'hood! And yeah, she feels that we are losers - she's actually said it. Oh, well.

Smlgranny, I know what you mean about having no expectations. I'm working on it. DH is way better at it than I!

I confess I don't want the relationship on DIL's terms, but I do whatever it takes to see DS. DIL would be happy if we fell off the face of the earth. She really has no use for us. Although to be fair, she did seem to be trying to accept us the last time we saw her.
My perspective is "go along to get along." Hers is "my family rules, his drools." My goal is to see DS. Hers is to limit access.

Can you tell I'm having a rough day?? Sorry! I'll try to perk up! One of those "hard times" is approaching rapidly.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

She said that, Penstamen?  She said you were losers?   You can't be too bad, you raised her husband.  Does she think he's a loser? 

What's the difference between you and your son?  There is none.  It's gonna take a long time to get over the "loser comment". 

I know you want to see your son and you will but it will always be on her terms.  You deserve a bad day!!  This is exactly how some of them operate. Disgusting.  If it wasn't you, it would be another parent that she did this to.
You are not a loser!!

Pen

Maybe she views DS as a prized possession, like a luxury car. One might love the fabulous, fancy car but be repulsed by the idea of sitting down for dinner with the mechanic who built it :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 16, 2010, 10:17:20 AM
She said that, Penstamen?  She said you were losers?   You can't be too bad, you raised her husband.  Does she think he's a loser? 

What's the difference between you and your son?  There is none.  It's gonna take a long time to get over the "loser comment". 

I know you want to see your son and you will but it will always be on her terms.  You deserve a bad day!!  This is exactly how some of them operate. Disgusting.  If it wasn't you, it would be another parent that she did this to.
You are not a loser!!

No you are not a loser!  I'm so disheartened by the comments I've heard on here coming from DIL's!  You did (at least) something right (which equates to a lifetime of raising a well balanced and intelligent son who loves her).  I sooo agree with chickie!   

My DIL has commented on what a great job I did with my son.  While I'm happy she recognises my efforts, I still have to contend with her opinion that she is the only "good" mother on the face of the earth.  I'm afraid of the jitter's I get when thinking of that!  I would never tell her, but I NEVER packed my kids into a car without enough gas to get back home!

I'm sorry I keep harping on that one thing, but it really got to me!  It will take some time for me to get over the fact that a "good mother" in her eyes does things like that with her children.  Makes me wonder about my own capabilities.  Was I really a good mother, or is the observation coming from someone who really doesn't know? 


Orly

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 16, 2010, 08:51:55 AM
Creme, I'm glad you know of people who have good DILs.  I don't know any.  I've heard of it but don't know it first hand.


Chickie,
I do have to say my mother had two good DIL's.  They were always glad to see her come, gave her all the access she wanted with grand-kids and in general were good friends with her.   Now, my brother, was the one who had a hard time with the fact that HIS MOM, kept a good relationship going with her DILs when he got divorced from them.  When she passed away, the CDIL came to the funeral, the DDIL paid to send HER KIDS (she works in nursing and couldn't get away) to it.    They tell me to this day, they miss her.

2chickiebaby

I think that's wonderful, Orly....I know your Mother must have been a good woman and a good friend to the DILs.  She was blessed

Pen

Have DILs changed over the years?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

I think they've changed because society has changed.  My husband asked me if we were better off because of woman's liberation?  I told him that in many ways we were but as far as women and their inability to just be kind, it's gone.

They probably can be kind to strangers but it's hard for them to do the same with us.  We're like a Corporate threat, they can't break the glass ceiling as long as we're in the way.

I think I told you about my husband and his work...he works with women.  About 180 of them....he said it was like herding cats.  He doesn't care for the younger ones but gets along with them.  They are very cocky and curt.  He hates curt.  He's a Southern gentleman. 

cremebrulee

Good Point Chickie, which brought another point to light...I work in the corporate field for a huge world wide corporation...do you know, that most women I talk to say, they wouldn't work for another woman.   Now, granted, I've worked for some very organized and confident women in my life time, but not many...however, there are women in the workforce who are brutal....they are not confident and organized, but were put in positions years ago, due to minority percentages...you can't imagine how many are not good leaders....they're secretaries cry, out of frustration and being hammered down by these women....they want to take over, but in doing so, they blame everyone else for they're mistakes...and the effect on they're workers is very negative...I know of several women who have been demoted or walked out...they don't belong there...do you know that our workforce is predominately women...which is ok with me, as long as they can do the job....and be good leaders...


2chickiebaby

For the most part, no, I would not like to work for a woman. I don't know anyone who would.   They are "people stepper on ers"

If they want something, usually they step on anyone in their way, not always but a lot. I'm sure that could be said about men and has been said through the years.  There's just something different about a catty, curt, bossy woman.  Even other women don't like them. 

Pen

I've worked for both men and women, and I've only had four good to excellent bosses, equally divided between male and female. The qualities I like in a boss don't really have anything to do with gender.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

Anna, I wonder what PPD is?  Did I have it, could I have had it?  I could have pulled all kinds of stunts if I had only known!   Drats!!