MIL threatened to kill me

[AG]

Hi, I grew up in a country where elders are to be respected etc. I moved here when I was 19, met my husband when I was around 21 and we married 5 years later. It's been 9 years since we were married so 14 years together. Right off the bat, my MIL has been very mean and vindictive. She has misunderstood almost everything I say (and type), rehashes and remoulds to suit her own idea. For example - my mom is very funny, we joke around and say silly things. So my mom told my MIL that DH was the only guy who could tame my daughter. My MIL has taken that to mean that I am crazy and nuts and should be on medication. In any case, DH and I got married in my country, we had provisions for MIL and extended family who did not want to fly out (we offered to PAY for their flights and stay), to watch the wedding on-line on the computer. My MIL complained like crazy that she would have to be up at 7 am to watch the wedding (time difference) to this day I am not sure if she even saw any of the wedding. She never welcomed me into the family - only FIL said I am happy I have another daughter. All though the 14 years, I have sent MIL and SIL flowers on b'days, MIL is irish so irish stuff on St. Pat's. Cooked food when I visit, help take care of FIL (type 2 diabetic amputee). Do and fold the laundry, everything. More than I do in my own home.

So, before we got married, there was an incident with my SIL which I have recently (14 years later) have learnt was instigated by my MIL. My SIL ended up screaming a lot of racial things to me - which if you have been through, let me tell you is very very hard to forgive and forget. Then, While I was preg with child 1 my MIL said she hoped it was a boy because girls are no good - guess what? I had a Girl, my beautiful baby. Then when I was preg with child 2 she starts off again with it would be nice for you to have a boy, we really need a boy etc etc - it was another girl OX her a lot too. My MIL did not talk to me to wish me on having a good delivery or anything.  Now, when I told DH about the whole boy thing he said I was imagining it. OK I let it slide. My MIL makes these tiny comments when I am around, and faint praise - that's like OK on the surface but if you really stop and think about it, it's very hurtful. So this goes on and on when I am there. I have an anxiety attack before we go to visit - again DH says it's all in my head.

This past weekend was my FIL's b'day and my SIL was going to come down etcetc. My SIL is notorious for saying she is going to do something then does not do it. So, I asked MIL if SIL is going to come because it was 7pm and the kids go to bed at 730pm. So MIL said do what ever you want, you always do. I said oh! what do you mean? She said I've noticed that when {SIL} is around you roll your eyes and have a scowl on your face. I said I really don;t understand what you are trying to say to me. She said you don't want to have anything to do with (SIL) and whenever she comes here you say you are sick, or tired and you never want to talk to her. Well, this time she actually came out and said it, so I asked DH to talk to his mom. MIL tells DH that I am crazy and there is something wrong with me and I fight with everyone (which is weird because she and SIL are the ones doing that). She brings up some incident with my child's teacher and said that I fought with her (totally not true) and all kinds of other stuff she has manufactured in her head. Now, I can't handle people talking this about me, so I say what are you saying? who says I'm crazy? I want to know, I don't understand. So she starts yelling at me and I am yelling at her (sorry you know that would happen). MY DH tells me to go upstairs and pack the bags the kids are getting upset. MIL says that I WANTED this to happen from day 1 and I have been planning this all along.

So I stood there and said no I did not, YOU are the one who never wanted me to marry you husband and never wanted me as part of your family. Then she LUNGED at me with her bare hands going for my throat saying "I'm gonna kill you, I could kill you right now". DH had to step between us so she did no harm. So I said (stupidly) oh yeah? and she rushed at me again and said you bad words and tried to hit me. Again DH pushed me upstairs and told me to go. SIL arrived and was all confused and told me I was wrong and that I should have walked away. MIL told DH that he was a bad son because he did not care about them anymore. Now all this happened in front of the kids, all the aftermath crying and fighting between DH and me witnessed by the kids. We have spoken to them now that this is not how adults handle things and I am being very attentive to any problems.

Now my MIL is turning all the women in that family against me. Don't laugh but they are "un-friending" me on FB one at a time - this is the only contact I have with them and I don't want a FB drama. I feel very lonely as my family is far far away and I have no friends> I feel depressed but I can not tell anyone - my parents would worry needlessly and my DH is under stress (job security lay offs etc). I feel like I am being bullied and punished. I am crying as I type this (My MIL would say that I am manipulating you). I just don't know what to do. Please help me!

[lancaster lady]

Hello AG and Welcome .....

As the members of the Forum awake , they will be posting I'm sure to help you with your problem .
For now I would detach and keep calm .
If you and your DH have a good marriage , I'm sure you will both come through this .
It is sometimes the hardest union to make work , a MIL and DIL relationship, no matter what we do .
Perhaps now your DH can really see what his DM thinks of you .
I hope you can sort it out , I know what stress in the family can do .
Take Care and keep posting .

[AG]

Thank you for posting - I have been up all night and just can't sleep because I have a knot in my stomach. Thanks for reaching out to me. Things seem worst at night.

[lancaster lady]

AG ....

I totally know where you are just now , in the depths of despair , I thought of this saying :
There comes a point in your life when you get tired of chasing everyone  and trying to
fix everything , but its not giving up .
It's realising you don't need certain people and the drama they bring .

I hope this helps to calm your inner storm .
Tomorrow is another day .

[elizabeth]

AG,

I'm really so sorry you have had to go through such a heart rending business with your MIL.
It truly is difficult and sad, but also a dangerous thing that happened to you.

I was threatened in an extremely similar way by a family member.
I relate that to you because I want to say that it can be difficult when family pressure and
the confusion such abuse from someone brings, to realize just how dangerous this person is.

Please don't be in a house with her again. Never never get in a room alone with her.
A normal conversation can escalate quite quickly with people of your MIL's nature into a full flegded physical attack. EVen if your husband and no one else seems too worried about it, you must take precautions to protect yourself from here on out. I know that sounds radical, but believe me its not.
Its not easy to take that stand, but you really must do it.

I'm so inspired by the way you have handled this situation with your family. Especialy reading how you took your children from the situation and what you said to them. Good for you.

I can tell that you are very stable and strong and that you will be able to find ways to cope with the future, but the future will not be what you expected family life would be.

I can also relate to family members diagnosing the "crazy" status. Thank God my DH knows me better than anyone and can see my sanity clearly, he would never put up with anyone declaring or slandering me on my mental health, which has never been questioned by anyone else in the world, at work or friends. So stay strong AG and there will be many women posting their experiences for you here today. I have found this site strengthening and extremely enlightening, its really unlocked many doors for me that I thought were closed by fear and guilt.

Blessings and encouragement coming your way...

[AG]

Thank you so much for all of your wise advice and encouragement. It really was an attack with no provocation what so ever. I feel so bad about the whole thing. My DH's nieces were in their tweens when I met them. They have come and stayed with us a couple of times, and we have always taken them around town (NYC). I feel like they are my nieces. I feel bad that they have been turned against me now. I just feel so incredibly sad! Like grief. I will never spend a second alone with my MIL again because she just has something against me. But, I feel bad that a network of women now have the wrong, one sided view about me and I am not able to defend myself. My SIL expects me to go to her house and spend holidays with her. She says I have to do it for the family. But I can not understand how I am supposed to go there (PA) with so much negativity and animosity towards me. I will feel judged every second of every hour that I am with his family. I have to take DD to school now. I will be on again in a couple of hours. Thanks again for the love and support - I really need some TLC (so to speak). And Yes, I am continually reinforcing to the kids that there is a right way and wrong way to deal with anger, and what Nanny and Mommy did was wrong and that we are not supposed to behave like that as adults. Thank you thank you for your support!

[pam1]

Welcome AG

I'm so sorry you went through that, how scary!  But now you know, this is a dangerous woman.  She does not care who is around, she will assault you.  And if she is this bold, she will assault children too.  She is very, very dangerous.  Saying she could kill you should be taken at face value. Your husband should be ashamed of himself, what is he doing now to resolve the situation? 

How long ago did this happen?  If not very long, I would get a restraining order that protected myself and children.  Your husband might be upset but he is not doing his job by protecting you.  You feel bullied b/c you are being bullied and it stepped over from just "mean girl" drama into physical violence and threats.

Block MIL and DHs FOO from your facebook and any other means of contacting you/spying on you.  Do not answer the phone when they call, do not respond to emails.  And document everything.  Please do not take this lightly.

[pam1]

Sorry, forgot to ask you to read the Forum Agreement and WWU History in the category Open Me First.  I did have to edit out some profanity, I understand you were just repeating what your MIL said to you.  No biggie

[AG]

Pam 1, so sorry aboutthe profanity, thanks for correcting me. I re-read the terms and better understand then now - it was around 230 am when I posted and i was not thinking clearly - apologies to all. My computer keys are sticking so my sentences look off.

I am very confused about what to do or think. This happened on Saturday last. The "good" thing to all this is my SIL has called, and is very supportive of me and has told me and DH that MIL is wrong and what is happening to me is wrong. She also said that if I move back to my country (I really want to)that she would understand 100% and thatmaybe it is something that we should do. It is sad but,we would have a better life there. Here my DH is off and on work every 3 months, we are struggling. In my country he would have no trouble finding a job, friends, excellent affordable housing ...and it is warm all year! We could come to US every June/July for 3 weeks with his folks. If there is an emergency he can be here in 24 hours.

Thank you Elizabeth, for sharing your story with me. It makes me so extremely sad. Pam1, thanks am at a loss of words as to her behaviour - i actually thought she was having a stroke! My DH is with me 100%. He told his mom that for one supposed eyeroll which no one elsesaw, you are going to discount the past14years of (me) making good with the family.

Sorry this is getting to be a long ranting post! Thank you all again. Please, if you can provide me with any coping tools or more words of wisdom, I really truly need it! Thanks again you are all such loving women {hugs}

[sesamejane]

It also sounds as if mil and maybe others in her family do not value women.  the women in her family likely support one another because they are "family" or maybe they just tolerate one another. You are an outsider, and perhaps they are jealous of your confidence as a woman.  I don't know if this is true or not, but it could be another way to look at it.  MIL sounds as if she needed to tear you down, you are threatening to her.

So...there is nothing you can do about her or the rest of the women in her family.  The smart, astute women will not pay any attention to the drama.  Well...maybe they will sigh and think 'here she goes again.'  The ones who do not support you, you do not need in your life.  I say, thank G.. that this happened to reveal to you the depth of this animosity.  Now you can stay away, and keep your girls away, from people who would tear you and/or tear them down!  Get on with your life! Your relationship with dh and dc are the most important ones right now.  Cultivate and nurture positive relationships with other women you know.

Take care of yourself everyday adn know that you have the support of the women on this site.  Welcome...

[AG]

AG ....

I totally know where you are just now , in the depths of despair , I thought of this saying :
There comes a point in your life when you get tired of chasing everyone  and trying to
fix everything , but its not giving up .
It's realising you don't need certain people and the drama they bring .

I hope this helps to calm your inner storm .
Tomorrow is another day .

Thank you. You are right aboutthe drama aspect.I feel so defenceless as i have no way to cope with this. Right now in thelight of day, withthe sun shining, i feel calmer. I hope it will last . Thank you ox

[Pooh]

Welcome AG and so sorry for your troubles.  Your MIL sounds toxic and I agree with the others, stay away.  I know it's hurtful having all the women unfriending you, but if that's what they believe then you are better off so they can't cause you any drama on FB.  I want to clarify something.  You said your DH told you to go upstairs and pack?  Was he telling you to get out?

As far as you having noone to talk to, can you go see a counseler or therapist to help you sort this out?  It sounds like you need someone in your corner and seeking professional help could really help you get some advice on what to do.

[AG]

It also sounds as if mil and maybe others in her family do not value women.  the women in her family likely support one another because they are "family" or maybe they just tolerate one another. You are an outsider, and perhaps they are jealous of your confidence as a woman.  I don't know if this is true or not, but it could be another way to look at it.  MIL sounds as if she needed to tear you down, you are threatening to her.

So...there is nothing you can do about her or the rest of the women in her family.  The smart, astute women will not pay any attention to the drama.  Well...maybe they will sigh and think 'here she goes again.'  The ones who do not support you, you do not need in your life.  I say, thank G.. that this happened to reveal to you the depth of this animosity.  Now you can stay away, and keep your girls away, from people who would tear you and/or tear them down!  Get on with your life! Your relationship with dh and dc are the most important ones right now.  Cultivate and nurture positive relationships with other women you know.

Take care of yourself everyday adn know that you have the support of the women on this site.  Welcome...

Sj I wrote a nice response to you and I lost it! Go figure! I think you hit it on the nail when you said women aren't valued at IL's. My SIL told me that IL's moved heaven and earth to help DH go to college, but did nothing at all for her. Refused to sign loan papers etc. I think it still hurtsher to this day. Thank you so much for your response. I am getting so much strength from all of you wonderful wise women. Thank you ox

[AG]

Welcome AG and so sorry for your troubles.  Your MIL sounds toxic and I agree with the others, stay away.  I know it's hurtful having all the women unfriending you, but if that's what they believe then you are better off so they can't cause you any drama on FB.  I want to clarify something.  You said your DH told you to go upstairs and pack?  Was he telling you to get out?

As far as you having noone to talk to, can you go see a counseler or therapist to help you sort this out?  It sounds like you need someone in your corner and seeking professional help could really help you get some advice on what to do.

Hi Pooh, thanks for your welcome. It is refreshing to interact with normal women who actually care. Youare right about the FB thing. SIL said that her DD's and my MIL tried to use her FB wll to postnasty things about me and she put an end to it. To clarify, Dh was asking to pack so that we could return home. We live 2.5 hours away from IL's so we tend to go there for 3 days at time. So, he wanted me to pack up all ourthings so we could leave (my Dds, DH and me) He did not want to benear his mom. I think you are rightabout professional help. This is because I for some reason have today started blaming myself for this and iknow it is not. I feel like I want my mom to hug me, and tell me everything will be ok. I don't know, we my not be able to afford help. But, you and ll the women here are helping me a lot by making me focus on what is important and just forget the rest. I thank you for it. Ox

[Pooh]

Thanks for answering AG, I knew I was missing something.  I'm very glad to hear DH is standing with you and your SIL.  See, you are soooo not alone.  Seeking out a professional gives you a neutral party to discuss your issues with.  Blaming yourself?  Been there...done that....got the t-shirt.  We have all done that and it is perfectly normal.  We all seem to second-guess ourselves when sometimes it is just senseless.  That's what makes us the better person.  We want to figure out where we went wrong and take some responsibility.  While the other party thinks they didn't do anything wrong and it's always someone else's fault.

I think you and DH need to decide what's best for you and your family.  Present a united front and stick with it.