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MIL threatened to kill me

Started by AG, October 05, 2011, 12:11:46 am

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Doe

Hi AG-

I know this is hard for you to see but this looks like a blessing in disguise to me. 

"Now my MIL is turning all the women in that family against me."

This sounds like the best thing that could have happened to you - there is nothing hanging over your head and you and DH have a good reason for a clean break.

And I'm here to tell you that you will survive the FB unfriending.    You can consider yourself friended by the ww here in their places!


pam1

Aww ok, thanks for clarifying.  I too thought DH was telling you to pack and leave your house.  Got it now!

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Nana


I agree with all the wise women who answered your post.   You dont need this kind of people around your life.  Best thing that happened to you.  You still have your husband and children by your side.  You mil declared war on you...and I bet she will regret it.  You will continue your life...and she will have lost a lot.  You are a great woman....did the best you could and didnt work.  You took a lot...admire your patience....

Good luck to you
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

AG

Thanks Nana and Doe. I think this is the first time in my life I am facing such behaviour. I think my MIL is severely depressed. She is about 60 and stays at home since my FIL is a severe diabetic - which resulted in an amputation. I understand that she is under a lot of stress as her husbands care provider. Unfortunately, she has no one to confide in save MIL's own sister and MIL's daughter. My FIL is able to walk and manages to do small jobs for a company he works for so, he is bringing home income. After he leaves for work, or even when she is done wrapping and prepping him for the day, She sits in front of her TV and chain smokes. Her only window to the world is that TV, the sister and daughter. Sometimes DH calls but he works 12 hour days and some weekends so that's even rare. I believe too much "housewives" is bad for someone in that state  :o

What I am trying to say is that intellectually, I understand her mentality and her way of thinking. However, I also think that I am not her punching bag. DH stands by me 100% but, worried about MIL's mental state. Turns out that she is telling anyone who will listen that I made FIL cry the day before his birthday. Where as he started crying after she would not stop yelling stuff at me. What bothers me is the injustice of it all. I am just so sick and tired of her and her little minions. I am ever so thankful for this forum for giving me courage and support. OX

lancaster lady

Sounds to me AG that you are well out of it !
Perhaps she is a little bit jealous of your lifestyle and status , and wants to make you look bad .
People that know you will know that it's all lies .
Be proud of who you are , and don't let her bring you down to her level .
She seems to have a sad little life , and you could have been that ray of light she was looking for .
Her Loss !
She may have to be persuaded that she actually needs counselling , not your call , thank goodness .

Pooh

You do seem to have a good handle on this.  I like to try and understand another's person's side, but I also make sure I don't confuse compassion/sympathy/understanding with excuses.  I totally understand why my DIL is like she is, but that doesn't give her a free pass to treat everyone badly and disrespectfully.  Children get free passes when they are little when they are a product of their homelife, but adults don't.  They have the ability to change and make better choices.

I can't help but think, that if your MIL has all these women unfriending you, then she can contact them for support.  If they want to be her allies, then they can go visit her.  Until she seeks help, take yourself out of the equation.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

pam1

AG, have you checked out bpd?  Your MIL sounds like she would fit that personality disorder.  Of course, a professional would have to diagnose her and I think she is sort of teetering on the edge of meeting requirements to be taken in against her will.  Your DH might want to call around and get professional advice especially considering your MIL is the caregiver for FIL.  DH really needs to keep a close eye on her, who knows what is going on behind closed doors.

She might not have bpd but I found the materials and ways of coping with a personality disordered individual very helpful.  My MIL is diagnosed and since I've learned of all this I've found the suggestions helpful in dealing with other problematic people who are not diagnosed.  Worth a look
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

elsieshaye

AG, adverse circumstances can make people more sensitive, a little more snappish, etc.  But what you're describing isn't caregiver burnout.  Your MIL and the women in her family are not people you need in your life.  Go make friends with other moms in your area.  Are there playgroups for your kids' age groups locally?  Join them.  Go to the library during storytime with them and meet other moms.  Losing these people from your life is an opportunity to make a better life for yourself and your family.  Don't let the fear of loneliness stop you from keeping those toxic weirdos away.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Doe

Yes, this woman is suffering and I imagine your presence adds to it - not anything that you are doing, but your existence.  She's miserable and you have a good life with a future to look forward to.  I can imagine it would be hard for her to be around people who are doing well so you would be doing her a service to subtract yourself from her life.  And doing yourself a service, too!

AG

Quote from: lancaster lady on October 06, 2011, 06:05:33 am
Perhaps she is a little bit jealous of your lifestyle and status , and wants to make you look bad .
People that know you will know that it's all lies .
Be proud of who you are , and don't let her bring you down to her level .
She seems to have a sad little life , and you could have been that ray of light she was looking for .
Her Loss !
She may have to be persuaded that she actually needs counselling , not your call , thank goodness .

Hi LL, thanks for your continued support and insight> Yes, I believe you are right about a bit of jealousy - she has mentioned before that I have it "made". Even I feel that I was really good for her but as I have grown from this incident, I will not be her punching bag any more. My SIL wants to get her to some counseling but I think that is wishful thinking because MIL thinks everyone else is the problem, not her. It is interesting to mention, that all her brothers wives are not on speaking terms with her. i.e if they meet at a wedding etc, then it's OK but they have nothing to do with her at all. She is a sad figure and she has only made her life worse. But, I can't help but feel bad for her ... I am too empathetic for my own good.

AG

Quote from: Pooh on October 06, 2011, 06:12:07 am
You do seem to have a good handle on this.  I like to try and understand another's person's side, but I also make sure I don't confuse compassion/sympathy/understanding with excuses.  I totally understand why my DIL is like she is, but that doesn't give her a free pass to treat everyone badly and disrespectfully.  Children get free passes when they are little when they are a product of their homelife, but adults don't.  They have the ability to change and make better choices.

I can't help but think, that if your MIL has all these women unfriending you, then she can contact them for support.  If they want to be her allies, then they can go visit her.  Until she seeks help, take yourself out of the equation.

Hi Pooh,  I think I have reached a philosophical view of the whole incident, but her physical threat will not be forgotten. Actually, the only two "women" un-friending me are her grand daughters ... they are just over-grown girls who are still trying to get their lives together so, they are under the sway of dear nanny. MIL's sister is still OK. One of my MIL's main complaints is that when I we go for our 3 day visits I say I am always tired. I have tried to explain to her that a. three people on a twin bed does not make for peaceful sleep, and b. most of the holidays we visit them is either end of month/beginning of month, which is when I have my period (yes TMI but it's true) and I kid you not, my period makes me super duper tired, especially after having kids, it's like being in my first trimester all over again. It has been like this all my life. I have gone on hormone therapy and everything, my doc is flabberghasted - nothing works. And she refuses to acknowledge this problem. She says I make it up so I don't have to interact with them. These things are just swirling around in my head. I am so sorry, I keep on thinking I will not discuss this and I keep going on and on. Sorry!

AG

Quote from: Doe on October 06, 2011, 08:47:30 am
Yes, this woman is suffering and I imagine your presence adds to it - not anything that you are doing, but your existence.  She's miserable and you have a good life with a future to look forward to.  I can imagine it would be hard for her to be around people who are doing well so you would be doing her a service to subtract yourself from her life.  And doing yourself a service, too!

Doe, your comment made me laugh. I think you are absolutely right. I love it! My existence bothers her! hahaha! My SIL told me that no matter who had married DH, she would have behaved this way with them. I have told DH before that with MIL, familiarity breeds contempt. I am relieved I will not have to deal with her. Just a few hours here and there. Then again i feel bad because of FIL ....

AG

Quote from: pam1 on October 06, 2011, 07:21:09 am
AG, have you checked out bpd?  Your MIL sounds like she would fit that personality disorder.  Of course, a professional would have to diagnose her and I think she is sort of teetering on the edge of meeting requirements to be taken in against her will.  Your DH might want to call around and get professional advice especially considering your MIL is the caregiver for FIL.  DH really needs to keep a close eye on her, who knows what is going on behind closed doors.

She might not have bpd but I found the materials and ways of coping with a personality disordered individual very helpful.  My MIL is diagnosed and since I've learned of all this I've found the suggestions helpful in dealing with other problematic people who are not diagnosed.  Worth a look

hi Pam, you may be right ... however, there is no way MIL will ever go to any kind of evaluation. I was reading another post on this wonderful forum and ran into a post regarding Deborah Tannen books. I think I am going to invest in one to see if maybe we were communication differently/ I don't know .... If not me, maybe it will help DH talk to his mom. Thank you for your continued strength and support - I just love this forum! OX

AG

Quote from: elsieshaye on October 06, 2011, 08:22:15 am
AG, adverse circumstances can make people more sensitive, a little more snappish, etc.  But what you're describing isn't caregiver burnout.  Your MIL and the women in her family are not people you need in your life.  Go make friends with other moms in your area.  Are there playgroups for your kids' age groups locally?  Join them.  Go to the library during storytime with them and meet other moms.  Losing these people from your life is an opportunity to make a better life for yourself and your family.  Don't let the fear of loneliness stop you from keeping those toxic weirdos away.

Thanks elsieshaye, I think it maybe a bit of both? If that can happen? Long resentment against me combined with some kind of caregiver burnout etc ... You are right, I don't need them in my life, but it makes me sad because I want to be part of a big happy family. I will look into the playgroups and definitely interact more with other moms. I really need some stable, friendly female presence in my life. Thank you so much for posting this, yes, it is the loneliness that makes me so, so, sad. Thanks again!