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Help with MIL

Started by Peggie, September 30, 2011, 10:14:19 PM

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Ruth

Peggie you have the EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND mil there.  Its even funnier than a sitcom.  In years to come you'll look back and laugh about her.  I hope you and hubby can maybe relocate far far away...

I miss my son today.  I'm seven days into the flu and sick.  I'm sad today, I really miss my son.  ...

Peggie

Thanks Ruth, I guess I should see the funny side to it all.  I do tend to vent first.  Perhaps that's what aggravates MIL's about DIL's they wish we would laugh things off more readily, take a lighter approach rather than be so serious with all issues.

I am sorry that you have the flu and that your missing your son.  I can't imagine how infuriating it would be to have someone new come into your family and then interfere with your relationship with your son to the point that you rarely see him.  It would be heartbreaking. 

Thanks for everyone's thoughts it's probably time I let you MIL's get back to discussing us DIL's,  this forum is for you, I just wanted to visit. I did get a lot of great advice which I'll use.  I think I really need to just relax and let things be, I will be more assertive with some boundaries but I am hoping I can laugh about it in years to come and I hope things work out for everyone on this forum. Thanks.

Pen

Peggie, please stick around! This forum is for all of us, and we love having DIL input. In fact, I'll bet there are quite a few MILs who would adopt you as a surrogate DIL right now (me, for one.) As if you needed another MIL with the situation you've got on your hands, lol.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

FAFE

Peggie, I'll take you as a DIL in a heartbeat.  But, you've gotta start churning out those grancchildren (LOL).  I need someone esle to spoil! 

Shelby

Peggie - you asked me specifically why MILs hate it when the DILs don't visit.  I don't think that is the case.  If it is a good MIL/DIL relationship, I'm sure there's no scorekeeping as to whether DS visits alone or with DIL.  In a good relationship, DIL and MIL probably have a fair amount of contact that doesn't even involve DS. 

When the relationship is strained, frankly I think it is a relief and a treat when DS visits alone.  Then MIL and DS can have natural, comfortable interaction -  not have to walk on eggshells all the time.  While I was initially disappointed my DIL wanted little to do with DS FOO, I long ago accepted her indifference, so rather than hate it when DS visits alone, I thoroughly enjoy it.  I'm fine when they visit together, too, but on those occasions I have to choose my words very carefully, so it is not as much fun. 

My big concern now is that since they have moved all the way across the country, I'll see them maybe once or twice a year - and there will probably not be any chance to se DH alone.

Peggie - Thanks for coming on -- you have boosted spirits of a lot of us - we don't feel nearly so bad when we see what a truly bad MIL is!  And I think you should stay on the site - as your perspective will be invaluable.  So stick around! :)

Pooh

I'm going to weigh in on the question.  I think it's totally about the relationship.  Even though I don't like my DIL, I would still love if she visited some so we could work on the relationship.  I can't work with her if she never shows up.  That being said, in my idealic world where we got along, I would like a mix, but not just for me, for them.  DS to drop by sometimes on his own, both of them to drop by, and DIL to be able to go to her FOO alone as well.  It's not about scorekeeping, it's about giving everyone some freedom.  As a female, I loved going to see my Mom and Dad without my DH sometimes.  My Mother and I would have long talks and felt the freedom to do so after Dad went out to mow or tinker with his John Deere.  No different than I hope my Sons can go see their Dad and go play golf, fish, bowl....whatever on their own.  (Not happening with OS as DIL will not let him even spend one-on-one time with his Dad).

I will say if a DIL has no interest in her DH's FOO and refuses to visit at all, that's ok too, as like Pen said she doesn't run block on the DS's visiting.  It's ok that my DIL doesn't like me as she is entitled to like who she wants.  I wish it was different but right now, it's not.  Just don't interfere with DS being able to visit without her.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Ruth

I agree that you are one of us now Peggie, please stay.  I should also clear up something I have obviously been confusing about somewhere, its so easy to type fast and think the reader knows all your history, but no one came into my family and caused me not to see DS.  His F and I were divorced when he was adolescent so it was not a step issue.  He chose custody with his F and it just went from bad to worse.     

Doe

Definitely stay!  We need all sorts of wise women here!

pam1

Quote from: Pooh on October 03, 2011, 05:31:45 AM
I'm going to weigh in on the question.  I think it's totally about the relationship.  Even though I don't like my DIL, I would still love if she visited some so we could work on the relationship.  I can't work with her if she never shows up.  That being said, in my idealic world where we got along, I would like a mix, but not just for me, for them.  DS to drop by sometimes on his own, both of them to drop by, and DIL to be able to go to her FOO alone as well.  It's not about scorekeeping, it's about giving everyone some freedom. As a female, I loved going to see my Mom and Dad without my DH sometimes.  My Mother and I would have long talks and felt the freedom to do so after Dad went out to mow or tinker with his John Deere.  No different than I hope my Sons can go see their Dad and go play golf, fish, bowl....whatever on their own.  (Not happening with OS as DIL will not let him even spend one-on-one time with his Dad).

I will say if a DIL has no interest in her DH's FOO and refuses to visit at all, that's ok too, as like Pen said she doesn't run block on the DS's visiting.  It's ok that my DIL doesn't like me as she is entitled to like who she wants.  I wish it was different but right now, it's not.  Just don't interfere with DS being able to visit without her.

I love how you put that Pooh and agree. 

Peggie, my DH will not visit his FOO without me, it's very, very rare.  Even though I tell him to go, he was like this before me.  I remember MIL thanking me for coming into the picture, DH came around his FOO more.  I think when I started to get fed up with the issues and stopped going so much, MIL noticed that her DS wasn't coming as much.  Therefore, it was my fault in her mind.

She probably thinks if you wanted to see her more, DH would want to see her more.  I think also when someone has this big of an issue with boundaries, they take a lot of things as rejection.  B/c honestly, acting this way they are going to get reject a lot in our society.  Try to look at your MIL as a whole....does she have a social life outside of her family?  How are her work relationships?  Does she have any long term lasting friendships?  For my MIL, it's all a no.  As a person she does have a very sad life, albeit one she chose for herself.  It helps take the sting off the interaction I do have with her but also gives me a clearer picture that there is nothing I can do to help her.

Setting limits and preventing interference in your marriage is the best thing you can do.  It helps you and it does help her.  It is probably the kindest thing you can do for her. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pooh

Quote from: Peggie on October 02, 2011, 05:29:47 PM
Thanks for everyone's thoughts it's probably time I let you MIL's get back to discussing us DIL's,  this forum is for you, I just wanted to visit.

Peggie, the history of this forum was it did start out as a place for MILs to discuss issues and get advice, but it evolved a long time ago as more DILs found it and joined.  Luise changed the name to WiseWomenUnite in order to encompass everyone.  So please stay and know that you are more than welcome.  We love our DILS here and most of us have been or are DILs as well.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

forever spring

 :) Yes please stay, it's so good to have both sides here.  :)