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DD & infertile SIL won't have kids- I am grieving hard -how can I cope?

Started by Hear2day, October 03, 2011, 01:49:06 pm

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Lol...I guess she's both.  Mostly she has just led a very hard life and somehow manages to still have a huge twinkle in her eye.  Doe, I wrote a novel about here on her a long time ago because she truly is an incredible person and my hero.

Edit: It's under success stories, the strong women in my life...I just realized I never finished it...Lol
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Hi ladies. You all have/had great teachers. That is one of the greatest blessings God may grant us.  

     I mentioned at beginning I was a nun. Wanted to join st 16 but you know how parents were back in the day. Surprise! For me it was a dream come true to be a Third Order Carmelite sister. Many religious orders let you join while you are still married ( third order) but if you are widowed/er you cannot remarry. You don't live in convent ( convent raised as child ) but in real world. Our mission was to pray and look for God's thumb print in the world. Only was able to take first vows not final vows  but will go back for it.

     You all are touching on what the great religious teachers and prophets have spoken about. ( from classes)  If you desire patience, God will place you in a position where patience is needed. If you wish for courage, God will place you in a position where your courage is needed. If you wish for peace, God will place you in circumstances where peace is sorely needed. And if you pray for love, God will place you in a position where you will need to give your love with all your heart. Those gifts are not given in a poof! 
We wouldn't  them and wouldn't know we had the gifts. God is not a genie here to grant you three wishes. God loves us so much that He gave us free will ( even the angels didn't get that ) to choose. But if we choose to ask for those wonderful gifts God will be there to give them to us if we reach for Him.  IMHO I can honestly say that although people have let me down ( and who hasn't had that experience ) God has always been there. It is more than a feeling. It is a peace I feel in my soul.  Even when my life was physically threatened. I am still here, still imperfect and still reaching for God. And I am still waiting for God to lead me to wherever it my be.
      We are all God's children so one can say that God has no gc. 

    And here is where I go AHA!
I do not claim to know the plans of the Almighty, but I know somehow
God will grant me what I need to survive even the loss of gc.  But don't think I am at peace yet. Maybe God will grant me gcs when He feels i am ready. But for now Still in pain, hurt as if my left arm was amputated and still praying and trying. 
    Thanks for bringing this topic to the thread. It truly is something to ponder.

    And please keep writing, singing and playing that ukelele!  And why not YouTube if and when you are ready. Keep me posted. Maybe I will join in later ( still have chord problems) via skype someday.

Thanks for an uplifting thread. It was  truly needed.


Hear2day, I didn't initially get into this thread as I feel unqualified, I am blessed with two wonderful g/c, and I mean they are obscenely wonderful and no grandma was ever more blessed than I.  However I am unable to restrain myself from jumping in after reading your final post.  My little sister was also a nun for about 5 yrs.  I wish there were some way to get you two connected.  This is one of those 'so you think YOU have problems???' moments!  Little sister has never married, and it is grieving her too death.  She cannot find a mate and is long past childbearing age.  She is a teacher and able to at least interact with children, but she is so lonely for a husband of her own.  It just hasn't worked out.  Also, her twin was unable to conceive.  So she is also brokenhearted.  But both of them are smiling, loving people who give lots and lots to others.  My family (foo) each has its own little load of pain.  There's wisdom in this somewhere, but I believe you will find your own wisdom in this.


Dear Ruth, yes, please. May I email you and give you my email. Please share it with your sister. What order is she from? Please let her know I am now praying for you all. A dear Sister reminded me ages ago that there were no coincidences, just God leaving thumbprints of His love and handiwork. So we should just pay attention and follow where they lead. I believe.
       Last night, while caring for DH, I was praying for so many people and just mentioned to DH how much I miss my dearest friend(passed away).  We became "twins" after we discovered that we had a love of our faith and songs of worship. We could finish each others thoughts and shared everything but husbands and underwear!  I said to DH that I was blessed to have had one great friend in my lifetime who was my "twin" and was grateful. But( you knew there had to be a but here) today,  maybe God isn't finished with me yet and He will bless me again with a "twin" someday. Just received a big dose of hope and sharing it with all of you.
     Well..... I may not have a blood twin but perhaps God is sending twins so we can share and not be so lonely. God listened to my heart and perhaps answered an unasked for prayer.  God answers always seem to me to contain a bit of good humor and much love.
    I will send email address now. 

To those wonderful women who have followed this thread, please remember that God really listens  to our asked and even  unasked prayer. We receive wonderful support from our friends here and who knows where God will lead us next. We are truly loved.     And He isn't finished with any of us just yet.


Quote from: Hear2day on October 10, 2011, 06:55:39 pm
Thanks ladies for sharing your strength, courage and ideas.

Pam, I have tried to write but it didn't go through but will again. Thank you for sharing with me.
I really need you advice and words of experience. Hope I can offer some help for you too.

Fafe,  yes dear one.  I will take your orders because they and you are so good.  You understand how our minds can send us down thoughts that may be false and scary. But I want to face these thoughts down and overcome them. DD & SIL seem to really love each other but who knows what happens behind closed doors. And that is none of my business. Right ladies!

Pooh, how right you are. We can't waste what time we have in regret, bitterness or avoidance. And I am working on it.  For now, for just a little time, I need to get my bearings before I can enjoy little ones.
        What makes it so hard is taking care of my husband who has multiple chronic illnesses, trouble walking or sitting and constant pain. We both could really appreciate a gc now to give our love and watch DD & SIL family grow. To be part of life. Too many doctors and tests etc. can sap a person's will to live. My DH is going through that now. I have to find reasons for him to keep going and to continue treatments. Please do not think a  gc has that job. No child should be born for any reason other than love and never to a job such as keeping anyone feeling better. That's a bonus but not a reason ever. I must say the love we lavish on  our huge puppy is never the same as a child. It is fun but just not the same.   Remembering the past of our family through pics and watching family movies ok for a bit but I will not live in the past. I have to hold on to the belief that there will be a way to make a new life.

     " You can't always get what you want but if try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need."
Quote from the great philosophers the Rolling Stones. ( true words that have helped me in tough spots. Ok - giggle here! )

     SesameJane, girl I want to hear you play. And why not Youtube! Maybe we can both let music heal. I know when I hold my guitar against my stomach, the sounds vibrate inside of me. It soothes and even though I hear a clunker it's ok. Try singing along. That feels goid too. And you can make up words. Have fun.
Thanks again.

If anyone knows a great reproductive clinic on Long Island NY, please share really.

Hear,  I bolded the last line of this post because it seems like you are going to go ahead and push this fertility issue. Please remember that having children and fertility are private by nature. Put yourself in their shoes. If your MIL had said that you SHOULDN'T have children, you would have thought that it was not her place. I know it is disappointing to you, but the same applies here. Wait for them to talk to YOU about it if they choose to do so.


You are right!  It is just my quirky sense of humor that can and does go wrong.
Had a lovely week back and forth with DD and there were too many topics too discuss that I didn't even think about gc's.  I was a published neonatal researcher and still like to keep up to date with the latest technology and doctors. That does not mean I am the best, smartest or anything special. Just means I try to keep up to date with the latest research and former colleagues ( when possible). I have folders for DH doctors, facilities and illnesses. Also have files of children's health( my former field of research), latest topics and yes,fertility clinics. Others have asked for my advice and it is good to have a working understanding of terms and facilities available. My Koolaide kids, their parents and others   now grown still seek advice but I still refer them back to their own doctor for further clarification pertinent to their condition. 
      But thanks to the women here, my DD & her SIL will do it their way.
And they will tell me what they think I should know. I am avoiding all discussions about family planning. It is safer that way and then I won't have to show my emotions which I am told I do wear on my face and heart. Thank you for pointing that out. Keeps me on my toes so I won't slip up.


Hi Ruth

  Tried to email you but not available. Check my profile and let's get intouch soon.
Take care and praying for everyone  especially wwunited.


Uh oh, I don't know how to send a personal message, hope I can get an email address to you.  I'd love you to write my sister, someone may help me with this.  I'm an imbecile with computer stuff.


Hi Ruth,
It can be tricky. Just go to my profile. Email from there.
Hope to hear fro you and Pam1.
Take care and praying for all.


hear2day- I have not read through most of the posts seeing as you have had so many (great :D). Forgive me if I have repeated any advice previously given.  Hear2day, it sounds as if you whole identity is wrapped up with your role as a mother. Now that DD is grown, you want to have the secondary role of grandma. It's totally understandable. But you know that God may have different plans for you. I know that being a GM is something you wanted so badly, but you are going to have to except that that role you wanted may not be available to you. However, there are so many programs through the ministry and the church that could help you through this. Many children are not fortunate to have GPs and many parents are the oldest in their generation and have parents that are no longer living. Have you considered spending your time as a mentor in a local school district or in the church? What about volunteering in a women's and children's shelter? I know that these children will not have a biological connection to you, but your love for family and children could really be put to good use for people who do not have grandparents of their own. Take your grief and use it to be the hands and feet for God.  What about sponsoring a child in an overseas program? I know of a great one if you are interested.


Hey hear2day, I returned your email awhile ago.  Hope you're still reading here and everything is ok.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift