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DD & infertile SIL won't have kids- I am grieving hard -how can I cope?

Started by Hear2day, October 03, 2011, 01:49:06 pm

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Doe

I want to echo what Pam said but my analogy is along other MIL things.  If they wanted their wedding a certain way and you were heavily invested in doing it your way, the sensible thing to do would be to give it up, move on and find other creative outlets.  You don't want to be the MIL who can't live unless she decorates the DIL's house!

I never really had those expectations for my kids to go to college, get married, have kids.  One went to college; the other got busy working.  One married and had a baby right away but I doubt I'll see her very much; the other is engaged and FDIL doesn't know if she wants to have kids.   My sons have met all my expectations by being the good people they are and I don't look to them to fulfill my own personal dreams.

I also had fertility issues - I hated even casual conversations about when we were going to have kids.  It's a raw nerve for people in that situation. 


sesamejane

Welcome Hear,

I too loved the idea of being a gm.  It didn't work out for me but for different reasons.  Here's the thing though.  As painful as it is, and it is painful, now that I have redirected my life, I am finding all kinds of pleasant surprises.  I sometimes feel a twinge when others talk about their gc, and I find that I  do not want to take care of children, for example at church, because it reminds me.

But, my days are so full most of the time now with wonderful friends and activities that I would not be able to enjoy if others, my children, expected me to take on the gm role.  I hear you that you just wanted/needed to vent your heart's sorrow.  It hurts, it really really does.  Let yourself grieve for a time, but get moving on other joys life has to offer.

So glad you posted.  Welcome again  :)

Hear2day

Rather for a bit of cold water in my face to shake me up. It helped & was needed. Thanks to all.
 
  Thanks Scoop for comments.  My family ( parents, aunts etc..) taught me to cut the tears & always bring a good joke about death to the dinner table. Yes, morbid humor helps ease the strain of years of caregiving & tragedy and when I said death was at the next table it was a bad joke. ( please note death was not at my family table -Death doesn't have an appetite for laughter or love). When  you laugh at your worries and bring them into the light, you can deal with them with love, patience and humor. 

   Also I taught my Girl scouts and Kool-aid kids that a pity party must be a catered affair ( suggested foods are ice cream, chocolate anything, chips. Fruit and nuts - plain or fancy)  limited to an hour or two at most. Then you clean up, wash your face and hands, get dressed in your best and get to work. 
     This is what I am trying to do with all the love I have within me. But I am lost.  Really lost just for now. I feel that I am in the middle of a desert and am surrounded 360 degrees by sand. No compass, blinded by the sun and alone. Not complaining - just assessing. Need to just start walking. Direction not as important for now.
       I reread my shout for advice and help, then I changed into my best clothes. Frequently, times were hard, but my mom always dressed her best even if it was just around the house because it made her feel wonderful and if you feel wonderful, good things can happen. It always seemed to work for her. Although events haven't changed, I have a little. Very wise woman my mom. 

       Thank you Pam and Doe and FAFE because you have first hand experience with IF issues. Thank you Pam and if your offer still stands i will e mail you. Please help me keep my heart & head on straight. Please be honest if I step over line. Need to understand but not at your expense.

        My DD has said today that any discussion about TTC ( trying to conceive) are off the table. She is focusing on her nursing exams. She is right to move on if that is what she wants. She has my full support, always.
        I can't honestly say I am at peace with her delay to try but you have all have echoed truth - it is their choice - whatever the outcome. Since she was about 8 years old, I've stood back and watched my DD make her choices and let her fall. I had to bite my tongue off at times, But I learned that she always stood back up on her own two feet on her terms. She chose F.I.T. and turned down VeraWang and then jumped to different designers before she learned that the fashion field is a dead end for her. Now she is in school for nursing. Proud of her strength and her stubbornness. She is taking a huge leap considering she hates science. But I really know she will make it work or she will start again & I will always stand by her.
 
      Help again!  Please tell me where exactly is forward? Can't go the same way you came in -  door closed. Where do you go with a hole in heart that nothing else can fill? 
Or is life really about knowing there is this hole, and becoming a better person with it - kinder& more understanding. Families can't be ordered at fast food stores. Would be nice though- extra sugar please & hold the hot sauce. Friends have come and gone because they have their own family & lives( but i enjoyed them while together). And I  refuse to become a pitiful old women with my nose pressed against the glass window of a toy store looking in while families are enjoying a nice time. Ugh! No not me. 
    
    Thanks SesameJane,for the understanding.  Just for now, I Cannot go to another baby shower, Baptism or baby party but will send gifts and cards. I pray every day for courage & strength to do some good in this world & not focus on self or run away from self & world.  Others have it much worse & need help with real life problems of food & shelter.  As soon as I get over myself (and I will with God's help ) it's back into the playpen and maybe volunteer again?

     

Doe

 " Please tell me where exactly is forward? Can't go the same way you came in -  door closed. Where do you go with a hole in heart that nothing else can fill? "

H2D - Please remember there are infinite choices out there if you open yourself up to them.  It sounds like you may need to grieve some more before you're ready to move forward.    Just do it in your own time.

Today I realized that my DIL deleted the only videos I had of my GB from her youtube channel and I don't expect to see more or to be invited to her home to know GB, the way things are developing.  This unexpected weepiness hit me but then later I got an offer to volunteer for a toddler Halloween parade on the 31st and took it because it sounds like fun.   I'll bet that once you are finished grieving, you'll open an email or read something in the newspaper one day that will call out to you as your future.

Hear2day

Doe, I am so sorry. Videos, pics etc.. are treasures. How awful to keep you from GB.

I really admire your working with little ones. They are lucky to have you. How did you know you were ready to do this?  You and I share a great love of children. Prior to my DD IF situation, I was learning guitar again so I could volunteer at library.  My guitar is packed away for now but you have given hope. And not just to me.

Please keep me posted on your progress. I'm excited for you. Thank you for sharing your story and how you are coping. Sometimes we need to see someone go first to give us the strength  & courage to do the same.

And if no one ever told you before, you can hear it here. You are my hero. You don't need the tights or cape to be one. Just a loving heart and the courage to keep going when everyone and everything seems to tell you - don't, can't or shouldn't. Brava!

sesamejane

I took up the ukelele last year...not for public performance though!!  That's the way h2d!  You'll get it when the time comes. 

FAFE

I will have to say that never ever did I consider that my DD would leave her husband so she could have a baby.  Hope you can move forward.  There's plenty of children out there that needs some loving.  We'll help you find them.  Do something good for yourself today!  Fafe's orders. 

Pooh

I want to add that what you are feeling about seeing other children is normal hear2day.  That will get better in time.  Every time I play with my great-nieces, I feel a pang of resentment and hurt that it isn't my GD and how senseless it all is.  That gets better because you also realize that all children are a gift and it has nothing to do with them.  Just think what I would be missing out on if I secluded myself from them.  I used to cry all the time over it.  I had to pull myself up by my bootstraps and realize that I was missing out on so much by not recognizing all the good things I still had.  So you take it one day at a time, and it does get better.  We all have our moments where something sets off the sadness, but that gets further apart as time goes on.

There is not a person on here that will tell you that the hole in your heart ever completely heals, but it does shrink if you allow yourself to move on and live life to it's fullest potential.  We only get one shot at this life and I don't want to be 50 years down the road, look back and know I wasted it.  There would be no one to blame for that except myself.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pooh

Quote from: sesamejane on October 07, 2011, 12:37:49 am
I took up the ukelele last year...not for public performance though!!  That's the way h2d!  You'll get it when the time comes.


I vote that you youtube that and let us all watch it!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

pam1

hear2day, my offer still stands :) 

I will say I did have some fleeting thoughts that DH might leave me, since I'm the one with the problem and I already have a child from a previous relationship.  I also felt that it was unfair to him, I was ok with no more children but he really wanted a bio child.   We've spoke about it and he said this experience has only made  him love me more, not less.  I think for us it was a bonding experience -- since a lot of people don't really understand, we've turned to each other.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

sesamejane

Maybe someday Pooh.  Right now, the only song I do well is "home on the range."  lol  : )))

Hear2day

Thanks ladies for sharing your strength, courage and ideas.

Pam, I have tried to write but it didn't go through but will again. Thank you for sharing with me.
I really need you advice and words of experience. Hope I can offer some help for you too.

Fafe,  yes dear one.  I will take your orders because they and you are so good.  You understand how our minds can send us down thoughts that may be false and scary. But I want to face these thoughts down and overcome them. DD & SIL seem to really love each other but who knows what happens behind closed doors. And that is none of my business. Right ladies!

Pooh, how right you are. We can't waste what time we have in regret, bitterness or avoidance. And I am working on it.  For now, for just a little time, I need to get my bearings before I can enjoy little ones. 
        What makes it so hard is taking care of my husband who has multiple chronic illnesses, trouble walking or sitting and constant pain. We both could really appreciate a gc now to give our love and watch DD & SIL family grow. To be part of life. Too many doctors and tests etc. can sap a person's will to live. My DH is going through that now. I have to find reasons for him to keep going and to continue treatments. Please do not think a  gc has that job. No child should be born for any reason other than love and never to a job such as keeping anyone feeling better. That's a bonus but not a reason ever. I must say the love we lavish on  our huge puppy is never the same as a child. It is fun but just not the same.   Remembering the past of our family through pics and watching family movies ok for a bit but I will not live in the past. I have to hold on to the belief that there will be a way to make a new life.

     " You can't always get what you want but if try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need."
Quote from the great philosophers the Rolling Stones. ( true words that have helped me in tough spots. Ok - giggle here! )

     SesameJane, girl I want to hear you play. And why not Youtube! Maybe we can both let music heal. I know when I hold my guitar against my stomach, the sounds vibrate inside of me. It soothes and even though I hear a clunker it's ok. Try singing along. That feels goid too. And you can make up words. Have fun.
Thanks again.

If anyone knows a great reproductive clinic on Long Island NY, please share really.
   
  

sesamejane

H2d,
My teacher/"master" won't let me play without singing along.  He's funny.  I have only had three lessons becasue other things came up in life.  I will likely go back for lessons in a month or so when things calm down and my kayak is put up.  Actually, the reason I wanted to play is so I could sing - have my own musical accompanyist!  If the day ever comes that I post myself on utube (I can't even imagine!), well, that will really be something!  That would be brazen confidence in the face of absolutely no talent!  hmmm....could be fun?!!

BTW, my belief is that you have to let go of expectations and listen/wait patiently sometimes to even discover what you need.  Be careful though!  I was talking to some friends and my sis the past few days about how my life has been so unsettled the past two years (I moved 3000 miles for a new job and don't know if it is going to work out, plus moving into town next week).  My sis asked, "What is it that you usually pray for?"  I responded, "Peace...stability."  She said, "so your being sent chaos to learn peace in the face of it!  how wonderful!"  Wow...never thought of it that way - and of course absolutely *no* sympathy from my big sis!  Truly though, I am getting one lesson after another about turning myself over to G..., trusting, letting go, learning peace.  It hurts, and it's hard, but my faith grows daily.

Pooh

My Mother told me to never pray for patience unless I was prepared to deal with everything that could be thrown at me to learn it.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Doe

I don't know if your mom sounds more like a wise old country lady or a Zen Master.   Another great one!