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Help with MIL

Started by Peggie, September 30, 2011, 10:14:19 PM

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Nana

I agree 100 percent with Lancaster Lady.  Time to get serious.  Not rude but firm.   You now know your husband will not put a stop here, so its where you should come in.  She is disrespectful, selfish and is kind of crazy (sorry).  You will never win with her, I agree.  But that doesnt mean you have to have her in your life.  Having her in your life is like "sleeping with the enemy". 

I would talk one more time with husband and tell him that things will change...from this point on....and take action.  You have the right to your life, privacy and peace. 

You have a good heart...just dont let her take advantage of you.

Wishing you the best.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Doe

Oh, I just about sprayed my computer screen with mouthful of tea when I read that your MIL redecorated your house!!  That is so ridiculous!

Thanks so much for posting this - I needed to see this today and see evidence of other MILs who are MUCH! worse than me.   I know this is a problem for you but this gave me a good laugh -at her, not you.  She is really in la-la land!



Pooh

Welcome Peggie.  If your DH has a "man cave" or a room (office, study?) that is just his, I would just start placing EVERYTHING she buys into his space and let him use it for decorating.  I mean, pile it up until there is just a path for him to walk.  When he gets sick of it, then tell him that he can ask her to stop buying things.

I'm serious.  We have learned here that the road to boundaries seems to start with the men.  Disengage yourself from the situation and let him figure it out.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Peggie

Rejected I have also wondered if she was trying to make a point but I have never worked out what the point was except to create a lot of tension.  Sometimes I wondered if the gifts were for my DH or whether she felt the need to decorate his house for him it's like sometimes she forgets or tries to forget that there is a DIL in the picture, like never acknowledging my birthday, refusing every dinner invitation I have given her, thanking her son for holidays I have planned for everyone.  The end result now is that DH is to organize any holidays and dinners so yes you guessed it, that has all stopped.  I guess I sometimes felt bad about it, I thought maybe there was another perspective I was missing but if I was going to get it it would be here.  There's no point in continuing to complain, I may as well enjoy life and let DH deal with his mother.

Doe glad I can make you laugh, I am surprised if the MIL's here know not to re-decorate your sons and DIL's houses and to have boundaries then I can't imagine what your DIL's have to complain about.

I think I will disengage and take a back seat for a while.  Not be walked all over but just get some distance from the whole situation.

Peggie

Oh forgot to ask, Shelby why do MIL's hate it if their DIL's don't visit?  Surely if the relationship is tense then the MIL would actually like the DIL not visiting and the son just visiting on his own.  That way everyone is happy, MIL gets alone time with DS and DIL gets time to visit friends go shopping etc etc.  Why would MIL's want the DIL to visit if they don't like them?

forever spring

Good question Peggy. I remember when I was still living near DS and MIL I really enjoyed looking after the GK with DS when DIL was at work. It was really nice and without any problems but I know it was probably me being possessive and wanting DS on my own. Well I'm far away now and this situation does not arise any more but I do have fond memories of going to the park with GK and DS.
I so wanted to be relaxed around my DIL but I just can't do it at the moment. That's why I said in an earlier post, we probably have to allow for this special relationship  to grow and it may take a long time. At the same time I do firmly believe that it has to grow organically and no amount of talking it over etc. will change things for the better. I'm not saying we should sweep everything under the carpet and in your case to raise the issues you are having and set boundaries is very important, but for a sincere relationship between MILs and DILs to grow no amount of talking will be successful, just gentle gestures over a long period will make this grow. I'm still hoping that this will be the case with my relationship. I don't know at the moment whether it will ever happen, but I do know that if it does it will be most rewarding and one of the best things that will have ever happened to me.
I wish you luck. From what you are writing it seems that the channels of communication - for better or for worse - are still open and that's a good thing.

lancaster lady

Hi Peggie ,

I think perhaps you made your MIL too comfortable , and she felt like one of the family too literally !
Taking over your responsibilities . Or perhaps , she was just continuing looking after her son , in a different house !
As for sons visiting their Moms on their own , mine wasn't allowed to !
I was informed we come as a unit !! All or none !
So sometimes it's not all the MIL's fault . I would have welcomed any visits from one or a hundred and one !


Doe

I agree that you've gone through all the socially accepted steps to handle your MIL and you could do just about anything you want at this point.   Some people go out of their way to misunderstand/not understand so further explanations are useless.  Overt action is called for!   

I wouldn't expect to change your MIL but you can get down to the task of keeping your home the way you want it. Refuse shipments, take the stuff back to her house, sell it without compunction, give it to Goodwill, stick a 'free' sign on it and put it out next to the garbage. 

Pen

Not all MILs hate it if the DIL doesn't visit when DS does...I for one enjoy seeing DS alone, because my DIL gets testy if we talk about any subject other than her/her FOO. It's been months since I've had a relaxed conversation face-to-face with my son (we do get to talk on the phone when she's not around.)

Of course DIL's FOO doesn't have this issue; there are many times DS chooses not to join them. I feel as if DS has been absorbed into DIL's FOO. They didn't lose a daughter, they gained a son. We've lost a son and not gained a daughter.

BTW, we have been very careful to not hover or make nuisances of ourselves. It kind of backfired on us because DIL takes that as a sure sign that we don't care about DS as much as her overbearing FOO does.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Doe

I treasure one on one conversations with my son.  After he got engaged, we hardly ever saw DS alone and after they married and moved away, the structure they chose was group Skype conversations once a week, same day, same time. 

I asked for some spontaneity, and at times asked to chat with DS without the group setting (didn't say without DIL) but it stayed the same till DIL cut me off.  At least I don't have to sit in front of a computer screen trying to think of things to say anymore.  :P


Pen

Doe, that would be so awkward!

I'm having one of those days when I miss my DS a lot. I'm feeling very envious of his ILs.  :'(
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Doe

((((((((Pen)))))))))), you're going to get me going - I'm missing mine today, too. 

pam1

I agree that it is rude to tell someone what to get you/not get you.  And all attempts to explain yourself regarding what gifts you like are ignored.  It's not rude to give away or sell a gift, once it is given it is yours to do with what you wish.  It is rude to attempt to tell someone what to do with a gift, so I think you're totally in the clear to sell this stuff.

I don't think it's possible to truly understand people like your MIL.  Really, the gifts have nothing to do with you, it's all about her. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

sesamejane

I agree - gifts have nothing to do with dil, so give them to dh and put in 'man cave.' Pooh, I think that is a stroke of genius! ;D

Peggie

Pen and Doe I'm sorry you are missing your sons.  Pam1 I do agree that it is rude to reject gifts or try and stipulate what gifts should be given, I understand that I'm not fault free in all this mess.  That's why my DH didn't want to get involved, he said it's rude to refuse gifts.  For me I was trying to set boundaries in our home although I could have handled this better.  I love the man cave idea.  DH can use what he wants in his man cave and we will give the rest to charity.

I know I have vented a lot, so thanks for listening.  I guess deep down it's not all about decorating, it's the way my MIL dismisses my feelings, opinions and ideas.  If I invite everyone out to dinner because she mentioned a restaurant that looked nice, she refuses however if DH invites everyone then she goes.  Other than that dinners always have to be at her house. I haven't pushed the dinner invitations and now leave it for MIL to organize dinners at her house if that's what she is comfortable with. My mom wanted to have a joint family dinner so she asked me to ask MIL however when I asked MIL I was told to stay out of it and let them decide things.  So my mom called her and asked them for dinner however when it was time to return the favor my MIL asked DH to invite my mom.  So it's ok for her to invite everyone for dinner through her son but not ok for my mom to invite everyone through me.  Then there's the insults I say I doing some painting and the next time I see her she tells me her friend is doing drawing and how only stupid people do art things. These are small examples so picture them with everything.  It's like she sees me as a child, I certainly don't want to take over or make all the decisions but something as simple as dinner invitations should be ok.  My FOO don't have family holidays so the holidays I have organized have been their family tradition and even that she praises DH for it.  It's the constant dismissal of me as if I am expected to sit in the corner and shut up and let MIL and DH run the show but sometimes she forgets this is my life too. I have continued to join in with their family traditions but it's like she wants to make sure I'm hidden in the background out of her way. I do stay out of MIL and DH's relationship and that is why I try to talk to her on her own as otherwise it becomes a weird triangle situation with DH in the middle.  I figure we are adults and should be able to handle each other one on one. 

But despite this I do see that I can't change things and I do understand by what some of you mean by just relaxing and letting things develop over time without trying to force or rush things.  I really appreciate everyone's feedback and advice, at least now I have a way of handling the gifts.  Thanks for all the advice I appreciate it.