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Trying to do better...

Started by liz, January 08, 2010, 01:17:04 PM

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cremebrulee

Quote from: liz on January 13, 2010, 11:54:00 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on January 13, 2010, 05:44:41 AM
.I for one, when I cook for guests, they are guests...and, I don't want them in my kitchen, not even to clear the table or help with  anything...I want to give them a night off and weight on them...this is they're evening....if I need help, I'll ask for it...and I personally hate it, when someone walks into my kitchen and starts laying down dirty dishes or insists on helping to clean up....I won't say anything to them, but I'd rather we all just have a comfortable evening together, and after they leave, I'll clean up...

I think this is proper etiquette actually. I firmly believe that if I am willing to host people for a holiday or dinner or whatever that I shouldn't expect people to help cook or clean up. I don't have a problem taking up a helpful offer if I really really need it, but I think it's bad form to expect help. My mil, on the other hand, told me when we were first married that she was happy that her son married someone willing to help out in the kitchen (like for holidays) because step sister il wouldn't ever help out. I am always willing to always help when needed or to stay out of the way if needed. Poor step sil probably had no clue she was expected to help out. Funny thing now is that I can't really help out as much because I've got two little ones running around trying to make messes, spill stuff, tear stuff up etc.. If she's not able to handle  the cooking and clean up involved in having all of us over for holiday dinners then she needs to tell us she can't do it anymore.

Hiya Liz
I feel the same way you do about this...if someone insists I won't stamp my feet at them, but to have someone else working in my kitchen, really overwhelms me....and I hate it when they start cleaning up, but I won't disallow them?  is disallow a word?


RedRose

Ok, I am the opposite of a lot of people here. If I'm in the kitchen cooking and somebody wants to help me...I welcome it. I love the help and the conversation. And...when the meal is over...hey...help me clean up. I don't like it when I don't get help cleaning...and my kitchen has to be clean before I can sit and relax. The more help I get the faster it gets done. Letting everything sit is just yucky to me. I don't want to be up 2 hours after my company leaves cleaning. I see nothing wrong with helping when I'm at someone else's house either. I was brought up this way and my children always help also...it doesn't matter if they have kids or not. I taught them to be helpful.

cremebrulee

Quote from: RedRose on January 14, 2010, 05:59:44 AM
Ok, I am the opposite of a lot of people here. If I'm in the kitchen cooking and somebody wants to help me...I welcome it. I love the help and the conversation. And...when the meal is over...hey...help me clean up. I don't like it when I don't get help cleaning...and my kitchen has to be clean before I can sit and relax. The more help I get the faster it gets done. Letting everything sit is just yucky to me. I don't want to be up 2 hours after my company leaves cleaning. I see nothing wrong with helping when I'm at someone else's house either. I was brought up this way and my children always help also...it doesn't matter if they have kids or not. I taught them to be helpful.

LOL, I was up until past midnight Christmas Day cleaning up....????
hmmmm, what's wrong with this picture? 

Your right, I'm changing

RedRose

Yessss...accept the help...it won't hurt them.

Kinzey

lol Well over Christmas my mil asked my husband and me to do the dishes and we got up and then my fil asked my husband to do something in the garage and I was left alone to do dishes. Heaven forbid my 20 year old sister in law do the dishes.

isitme?

I never mind helping out - but I HATE double standards.  Fortunately BF trains well, but I don't know if there is anything you can do about your SIL Kinzey....   >:(   How do you get along with her apart from the rest of your inlaws?  Could you ever just ask her to lend a hand?

2chickiebaby

Is there anything wrong with saying, "hey, I need help in here?" 

I'm thinking back on my intro to marriage and my MIL was a fabulous cook.  I helped with the dishes afterwards but her daughter, my SIL, sat on her backside and did nothing!  I dared not ask her to help us because MIL babied her to death.  Besides, SIL would have bitten my head off.  I was skeeeeeeeeered of her.

I wish now I had said, "hey, come over and help and then we can have a lively chat about the weather"...their favorite topic.  It doesn't make any difference now, though.




isitme?

Sometimes I feel like when I"m stuck with all the work, asking for specific help works with some people - I can ask my sister:  "hey, while I"m doing dishes, do you mind wiping down the table?"  If you're not comfortable having a conversation with someone in general (DIL, MIL, SIL, anyone..) would you necessarily want to "hang out" with them in the kitchen?  So maybe pitching it as a "hey come in here and help me and then we can talk" doesn't always work.  But pointing out that YOU are doing something, and the other person could help by performing a specific task might be an option.  For example chickie, do you think you could have said to your SIL "While I'm washing the dishes, can you help me out with the drying?"

2chickiebaby

Isitme....are you freaking kidding me?  DH's sister was such a little cry baby....whined all the time!  She was a grown woman too, only 5 years younger than I am.  Just whined and whined about everything.  Her Mother, DH's Mother, would even say, "poor little SIL, she's had such a hard life.  She doesn't need to be in the kitchen cleaning." 

I sound ridiculous; I know, because she did have some bumps in the road.  I'm sorry I said all that?  I've had not just bumps in the road but boulders in the road and I'm not capable of being mean in person.

She could be so mean, though.  I mean down right mean!  It's one thing to have a lazy person around and another all together when you have a lazy, whiney and mean  person there.

isitme?

I totally hear you  - laziness is annoying but all the more so when the lazy person is also whiney!!!!!

You could never be a mean person!!!!  I don't think having "bumps" in the road entitle someone to be lazy or whiny or mean... 

Orly

HMMM, They can be whiney when those "boulders of life" LAND on them.   I will give them that.  Bumps, nope sorry, tell it to the hand.