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Breakthrough with SD

Started by Pooh, September 30, 2011, 10:38:01 AM

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Pooh

Well, well...miracles do happen.  I told the story a long time ago about my SD.  She will be 18 in a couple of months.  Short version for those who don't know it:  She has not spoken to me or DH in over a year now after getting mad at us for giving her house/attitude rules.  She refused to spend visitation with us and her Mother/SD supported her decision.

So last night, my DH text her (he hasn't text or wrote her in about 3 months after receiving no response to texts, calls or emails in over a year) and asked her if she wanted a saxophone that someone was wanting to donate to a child or teenager.  She plays sax in the high school band, but hers is rented.  She wrote back yes.  He said he would bring it to her or meet her somewhere.  She asked where he was and he told her we were getting ready to go to dinner.  She asked where, he told her and she said she would meet him in the parking lot.  We went and when she showed up, she was very civil and excited about the sax.  She stood at my car for about 15 minutes talking about it.  My DH took a chance and asked if she had eaten dinner.  She replied that she had already.  He made conversation with her by asking about school, band, BF, etc. for about another 10 minutes and then it got awkward.  She piped up and said, "I guess you guys are hungry so if you want to go in and eat, I'll go in and sit with you."  (Insert shocked face here).

She did and ended up sitting there the entire hour we were eating.  She never asked us anything, but answered everything we brought up.  We didn't bring up the past year or anything, but talked about college and such.  After the hour, it was getting awkward again and DH asked if we were ready to go.  We walked out and he asked her where she parked.  She indicated the opposite side of the building so I told him to go ahead and walk her to her car and I would wait in the car.  He came back in about 10 minutes.

She has matured a bit, but listening to her, she was still blaming others for anything not right in her life and still had that argumentative nature of "I'm always right".  DH said as she was leaving, she had tears in her eyes and he asked if she wanted to say anything else and she shook her head no.  But all in all, she tried very hard.  She even indicated that we were welcome to come to a football game to watch her perform.  DH and I had a long talk afterwards about it and that he was just going to have to accept that she was that way.  That he didn't have to be a doormat, but that at her age now, she has been formed into the person she is basically going to be until she gains maturity.  That arguing the small stuff now would be fruitless.  So, now we are just waiting to see what happens next.

My DH had a big smile on his face!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Doe

So happy for you, Pooh!  Such good news!

Sassy

Your story brought happy tears to my eyes!  My favorite part was when she came in and answered questions while you munched.  What a pleasant treat, such a simple exchange.  Score for love!

Rose799

I'm happy for you & dh, Pooh.  My favorite part was when she left in tears...  My sd called a few weeks ago.  We had a nice chat & when it came time to hang up, she cried & cried.  I thought something must be terribly wrong, but it wasn't.  She just didn't want to hang up yet.  Tears are genuine, you know?

Barbie

Pooh,

Miracles do happen. I'm so happy for you and DH and I hope she opens up the lines of communication again with the two of you.

                  Hugs.

Nana

Yes Pooh...I remember the story...and I remember also hubby was sad about the situation.  She is surely maturing...not quite enough as she is still very young....but getting there.   I am so happy for your husband and you Pooh (as well as for SD).    All these situations bring us peace of mind.   
Bless your heart Pooh and wonderful husband (remember we all want him ha ha). 

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

sesamejane

She is still so young.  I am happy for you.  :)

So...letting go and getting on wiht life, continuing to love though from a distance, and now and then extending a hand, an offering of reconciliation.  hmmm.

she sounds like she is going to come around.  Are you going to the game?

Ruth

I loved this.  Your family is on the mend.  I'm very glad for you Pooh.  DH handled that very well and obviously he is much more important to dd that he maybe thought.  Blood is thick, you know.   And it takes a lot of years to grow a soul, so wait it out, precious one.

Pen

It's so wonderful to see our DH's happy. Pooh, good for you and DH, and props to SD for making a positive move forward.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

pam1

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

lancaster lady

So Happy for you guys ....and you know what ? she knows you are both there for her when she needs you , and
that means a lot ........hugs Pooh  :)

Pooh

Thanks guys.  I hope it continues but we are just kind of sitting back waiting for a bit.  I was so proud of DH.  He didn't text her or anything the last couple of days.  I told him to give her a few days to let it all sink in.  I think the tears were a good sign.  I think it showed that she is hurting and missed him even though she has acted for a year like she didn't.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

autumnlady

Very happy for you Pooh.  Will keep happy thoughts that things keep moving in a postive direction.  Sending Hugs!

Pooh

Well another sort of breakthrough (if only in my brain) this weekend.  My YS is graduating this month, and me and DH booked tickets this weekend to go to the grad (so excited to see him).  YS called me yesterday and I was giving him our itinerary so we can coordinate with him as he is going to get to come back with us for a couple of weeks.  During our conversation, YS said he had talked to his brother.  His brother has not been answering his calls or texts, so he got mad and called DIL's phone.  LOL.  He so takes after his mother....

Anywho, he said after DIL wanted to know why he called her phone, and he told her, she spent 5 minutes blessing him out for calling it.  He said he listened to it and finally said, "Just give him the dang phone."   She did and he spent about a half hour talking to him.  He said that he asked how I was doing and YS told him I was doing fine and he told YS he missed me terribly.  YS said he told him, "Then why don't you call her or go see her?"  He said, "I can't".  YS said he told him several times, just call her and all he would say was "I can't" in a whisper.

YS said to me, "Mom, he misses you and I don't know why he will not contact you but after listening to DIL gripe me out for five minutes, I would say it is still something between them two.  DIL never asked how I was doing, she just griped me out for calling her phone."  I asked him if he asked his brother why he wasn't answering his phone or texts and he said, "No, I didn't.  I was still upset with DIL and he and I were having a good conversation."  We discussed that maybe he has changed his number and he didn't think to ask him.  So we don't know now.

So now I at least know he does miss me and it gives me great hope that whatever is keeping him from contacting me, will resolve in time. 

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

lancaster lady

Aww..sending hugs Pooh , so comforting to know we are still loved ....  :)