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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Some posts I found interesting...

Started by isitme?, January 12, 2010, 08:33:42 am

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cremebrulee

Hi Isitme

thank you for taking the time to post these...I am finding them very interesting....

like this one, it makes a lot of sense


As you explore these questions, you'll begin to uncover the part of yourself that is resisting what the other person represents to you.  Then you can consciously decide if you wish to continue holding onto that resistance or let it go.  The more you resist about the world, the more time you'll spend defending your position.

I believe that is what really upset me the most when discussing this with my son....I would constantly defend my position, and he would constantly tell me I'm wrong, in defending his wife's position...I kept thinking, "my goodness, he knows me better then anyone, how could he think I'm to blame for all of this, doesn't he see how upset I get?", however, I do understand, that everytime I defended myself to him, he took it as an attack against his wife...

Resistance comes from your ego.  When your ego takes ownership of your ideas, it treats challenges to your ideas as a personal challenge, hence the need to defend yourself as if being attacked.  But if you keep your ideas separate from your ego, you'll feel no surge of resistance or defensiveness because there won't be any attachment.

Boy, does that make sense, and gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "when your not connected emotionally, you can see things much more clearly"


isitme?

Quote from: cremebrulee on February 12, 2010, 07:36:50 am
"when your not connected emotionally, you can see things much more clearly"


Hi creme,
I'm glad you found the links helpful!!!  I absolutely agree - once you are a little more emotionally detached, it is easier to step outside a situation and try to be a little more objective about it.  From all the help and support I've gotten over the past several months, I"m hoping that I've gotten there with my FMIL.  However her mood may fluctuate (currently, it's been set to "friendly and nice" but I can already see warning signs of what lies ahead...) I think the most important thing is I have more of an understanding of where she's coming from - so I don't let her bad actions hurt my feelings.  I think I"ve gotten much better at "disconnecting" from a lot of the mean things she has said and done and that has helped me moderate my own responses to her which will hopefully lead to a spiral that goes UP and not down....  we'll see though..

anyways, I"m still reading up a lot on how to deal with difficult people - if I find anything especially helpful, I will be sure to add a note of it here!

Alicev

Will read the articles in a bit, but what I have found to work for me in tense situations or when I am under attack is the reminder: whatever comes out of another person (words, actions, etc) is part of them, belong with them and stay with them. It has nothing to do who I am and it does not define me. I think those thoughts in such situations and it helps me not to react emotionally.