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For DIL's who Lurk

Started by cremebrulee, January 12, 2010, 05:08:10 am

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2chickiebaby

Coco, you can read everything on my face!! If I'm hurt, I look like a poor puppy dog.

cocobars

Oh chickie!  You must have look like a dear in the headlights when you saw those old boyfriends!  LOL!

I already knew you were too sweet to say anything, but I bet your face gave it all away...

2chickiebaby

Okay, picture this, Coco....I'm at the High School reunion....I'm looking for my old boyfriends, yes, I know I'm married. 

I look around...can't find my boyfriends anywhere.  One of my old friends said with a smile, "have you seen ****?"  I told her that I didn't see him.  She pointed to him.  What?  That's him?  What happened to his muscles?  His hair?  Oh my Lord!!  I decided to not see them anymore like they are now.  I like them better in my yearbook. 

Ladies, (young ladies) do not marry Quarterbacks, don't even marry half backs or full backs or half witted tackles.  They don't stay hunky.  It's devastating. :'(   Marry nerds and then get them some beauty help.     

2chickiebaby

My apologies to anyone who married a "tackle".. I'm sure they are not all half-witted.  (you never know if you're going to offend someone.  8)

isitme?

haha, chickie - you are hysterical!   

Scoop

I'm a DIL who lurks.  I have learned quite a bit about my Mil's position from coming here (see my post in Success Stories).

I used to say that I took 50% of the responsibility for my relationship with MIL, but the last time they visited, I realized something else.  I realized that DH also has a responsibility too.  Of all the people involved, it was surely in his best interest to make sure that MIL & I got along.   And of all the people involved, DH knows his DM and he knows his DW, shouldn't HE be able to smooth things out between us?

I think this is why there are usually fewer conflicts between SonIL's and PIL's, because women are usually the ones who step in and smooth out the differences in relationships.

The last time the PIL's visited, I felt that MIL overstepped on something, but instead of getting mad at her, I got mad at DH, because I told him what was going on and he did nothing.  He could have stepped in, without stepping on MIL's toes, and then *I* would have been happy, and MIL would have been happy AND, through the "Happy wife, happy life" idiom, DH and FIL would have been happy. 

I was MAD at DH and he totally retreated and said "I should keep her in check" and then I was MADDER at him.  It's not about keeping anyone "in check", it's about LUBRICATING our interactions, so that there's less stress.

I wonder what would happen if the Sons/DHs were held more accountable for the problems between the MILs & DILs?  Can you imagine if you had someone who loved you, who also understood your DIL (or MIL), and could tell you where the landmines are?  Wouldn't that be wonderful?  Why aren't we pushing for it?


cremebrulee

Quote from: Scoop on January 13, 2010, 10:27:01 am
I'm a DIL who lurks.  I have learned quite a bit about my Mil's position from coming here (see my post in Success Stories).

I used to say that I took 50% of the responsibility for my relationship with MIL, but the last time they visited, I realized something else.  I realized that DH also has a responsibility too.  Of all the people involved, it was surely in his best interest to make sure that MIL & I got along.   And of all the people involved, DH knows his DM and he knows his DW, shouldn't HE be able to smooth things out between us?

I think this is why there are usually fewer conflicts between SonIL's and PIL's, because women are usually the ones who step in and smooth out the differences in relationships.

The last time the PIL's visited, I felt that MIL overstepped on something, but instead of getting mad at her, I got mad at DH, because I told him what was going on and he did nothing.  He could have stepped in, without stepping on MIL's toes, and then *I* would have been happy, and MIL would have been happy AND, through the "Happy wife, happy life" idiom, DH and FIL would have been happy. 

I was MAD at DH and he totally retreated and said "I should keep her in check" and then I was MADDER at him.  It's not about keeping anyone "in check", it's about LUBRICATING our interactions, so that there's less stress.

I wonder what would happen if the Sons/DHs were held more accountable for the problems between the MILs & DILs?  Can you imagine if you had someone who loved you, who also understood your DIL (or MIL), and could tell you where the landmines are?  Wouldn't that be wonderful?  Why aren't we pushing for it?


Hi Scoop and welcome, glad your here and glad you posted....

well, I believe your 79% right...b/c I read many articles which said, if the husband's would step up to the plate and put they're feet down firmly in front of Wife and mother, and tell them, I love you both, but this is going to stop....I demand you both put away your gloves and start getting along.  I won't be put in the middle of your wars and it's petty and immature....I don't expect you two to love each other, but I do expect that you respect each other's feelings and rules....do not cross boundaries and do not be purposely rude to each other...enough is enough...this is going to end and I will never take sides with either one of you....!

And it usually does end....

and believe me, many people who know my son, and have known me just as long, are shocked that he's allowed her to treat me the way she does....all of them...he has admitted things to me in the past...he knows she's like this...but he loves her and I believe he also fears her leaving him...if she doesn't get her way.

Her own sister told me that...."You use men, for all you can get, and if they don't do what you want, you go onto the next". 

Believe me, I know my son needs counseling to put up with this, this long....it is so un natural....

2chickiebaby

Dear Scoop,
I appreciate you being honest about this. I understand your point and I don't know why the Husbands don't intervene. I heard it once said that if you don't have a good relationship with your son's wife, you won't have one with him.

I do wish I had known where the landmines were, for goodness sake! I had no idea that all of a sudden, she would turn on me and us.  You're right, my husband tried to ignore it and the more he did, the more she started engaging him and leaving me out.  It was very hurtful to me.  I know he didn't fall for it but he says that he does that in his heart.  In his heart, he has no respect for the person anymore.  In his heart?  WTHECK??

He is a good man and wants the peace at all cost but he did tell me recently that he is very disheartened with our sons.  Very.  That's a mouthful for him to say.  He would have been the best grandfather on earth and now, we're relegated to just now and then with DDIL and son and "if they need us" with CDIL and son. 

I'm so shocked right now because there was an opportunity recently to use us and CDIL and son didn't !! 

Thank you for being honest and not being a DIL in disguise just prestending to be an MIL and bashing us and then disappearing into the "guests" for kicks.   We have been through it and don't need anymore.   :)

isitme?

Hi Scoop,
As a FDIL, I totally hear what you are saying.  A BIG issue that me and my BF been working on is how HE is going to deal with the way his family treats me.  Part of this involves him learning more about his mother and his own relationship with her which is hard for him.  But he's working on it - at the same time, I find that I need to work on my own anger towards him for dropping me into this situation with his mother and "throwing me to the wolves" by being oblivious/passive about what she's been doing.  I'm getting there too.

In my case at least, I think part of the problem is that my BF has grown up with the unhealthiness in his family, so he wasn't able to recognize it at first.  It was tricky because it's hard to tell someone something negative about their own family.  And there are certainly cases (many that are described here) where the DIL deliberately poisons her husband against his family because of her own unhealthiness.  I think this is where you have to bring in a counselor to help figure things out.  But it's a shame because it seems like the unhealthiest person in the relationship is the LEAST likely one to go to counseling.   :(

cocobars

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 07:16:12 am
Okay, picture this, Coco....I'm at the High School reunion....I'm looking for my old boyfriends, yes, I know I'm married. 

I look around...can't find my boyfriends anywhere.  One of my old friends said with a smile, "have you seen ****?"  I told her that I didn't see him.  She pointed to him.  What?  That's him?  What happened to his muscles?  His hair?  Oh my Lord!!  I decided to not see them anymore like they are now.  I like them better in my yearbook. 

Ladies, (young ladies) do not marry Quarterbacks, don't even marry half backs or full backs or half witted tackles.  They don't stay hunky.  It's devastating. :'(   Marry nerds and then get them some beauty help.   


LOL!  Just caught this chickie!  Sorry, but I'm catching up on this post!  I guess I should wait until I can finish reading, but couldn't help myself!