November 18, 2019, 06:45:52 pm

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Angry with my Mother

Started by wouldratherbeincolorado, September 27, 2011, 01:28:47 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

wouldratherbeincolorado

I lived in Colorado for two years and adored it.  My daughter's father is here in Illinois though and wouldn't rob her or him of their beautiful relationship.  He is a wonderful father to her.  Maybe when I am retired, and if my daughter wanted to move with me, I would go.

You're spot on about the people there!  They are fabulous - and so are the mountains.  They call it God's Country, and there's no questioning why!

pam1

Don't beat yourself up too much, my DH had the same thoughts.  Since they are open with their intentions it sounds like they've been some carrots too.  It takes awhile to sort out the chaos that was created since childhood, take it easy on yourself.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Doe

After my mom died, my dad married someone younger than me (the baby of the family) who had a young child!  Things like that can redistribute wealth!

Oh, and I got that it was just a comment - no problem.

wouldratherbeincolorado

Woah! That must have been interesting.... and I love your phrase "redistribute wealth"! LOL!

Scoop

Colorado - I realize it was a quick comment about the will.  But still, I'm going to address it, because when times are tough, you're going to have to convince yourself that it's just not worth it.

If you want to sell your DD to someone who will not treat her nicely, I'm sure you could get a pretty penny for her RIGHT NOW, without having to wait for your P's to pass on and  (MAYBE) include you in their will.

If you want to sell YOURSELF to someone who will abuse you, well, there are all kinds of people out there and I'm sure it wouldn't be that hard to find someone who was willing to pay cash up front to be able to demean you.  And even then, it wouldn't be as demoralizing, because it wouldn't be coming from someone who's supposed to love you.

Another expression I've heard is that sometimes the easiest way to pay is with money.  Meaning, in general, it's better to pay cash for some thing or some service than to "owe" people for favours.  But in this case, it's better for you to pay with your hard earned cash, than to pay with your self-esteem and your daughter's self-esteem, for years and years, for a potential reward.

I really believe that if they treat you like this now, they won't give you more than a pittance in their will.  They will use that chain to yank you around for the next, what?  15-20 years?  I know people like this, where, you can fold yourself in half 5 times and they'll only say "why not 6?"  You will NEVER be able to satisfy them, because they are insatiable.   They will always manage to find *something* as an excuse to give you less / to treat you poorly.

So yeah, break the cycle, don't pass this garbage on to your little girl.  Raise her up to KNOW, deep in her heart, that she DESERVES to be treated well.

sesamejane

Hey Would,

Post script on the will and money thing.  My mother was very well off.  That is a carrot she dangled - put up with her abuse or nothing will come your way.  In my family, women were second class citizens who found their way by flaunting sexuality and attracting men with money. My mother was jealous of all women and contemptuous of all men.   My mother and my brothers expected me to fulfill their expectatioins.  I did not comply or I should say, I think I was so sick of it being shoved down my throat that I rebeled.  I have turned down lots of money several times, much to their dismay.  In the end, mother and my brothers "banished" me because of my noncompliance.  It forced me to learn to take care of myself.  I earned a ph.d. in 09 and my girls have a role model of self-reliance.  I am respected by them and people in my community. It is worth more than gold to me. I only wish I had figured it out sooner so that I would have more time to enjoy this new found me.

Pooh

Just wanted to say welcome Colorado.  These wise ladies have given great advice!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

wouldratherbeincolorado

I am deeply saddened that anyone has gone through what I have.  I wouldn't wish that on a snake.  How then do you attain self worth if it is a foreign concept? Something you have heard of, but not ever experienced. I'm fairly certain you can't buy it.  I am alone.  I am scared. I've lost everything only to watch my brothers, my family move on without me.  They will get the gold.  They will get the piece of mind.  Where is Karma? What is she doing?  Am I Hitler incarnate to deserve abandonment on top of abandonment plus child abuse, sexual abuse and now finally a closing of ranks and shutting me out?  I don't even have a sense of autonomy.  I've nothing to speak of.  Where is life's beauty?  I see it when I walk.  I feel it when I breath, but the pain always takes over everything and colours life black.  Is there hope?  When will it  come?  Where does it lurk?  I long for life. I long for happiness.  I long to have the things I so desire to teach my daughter.  I can't even commit to one religion.  I can't commit to anything. After all, everyone and every thing abandons, right?

Rose799

Quote from: wouldratherbeincolorado on September 29, 2011, 09:57:36 pm
After all, everyone and every thing abandons, right?


No, they don't, Colorado, & you're living proof.  You're not abandoning your dd~  I think you're far stronger than you realize.  You're seeking help, which shows your desire to better yours & your dd's lives.  We're all here for the same reasons, Colorado.  We're all broken in some fashion.  We all need someone to lean on now & then, & oh boy, have you come to the right place.  This is a great group of gals who have lived & loved & lost.  You are not alone anymore.  Luise's site has been a haven to us all.  Welcome, dear Colorado, for you've found a new home here.  Keep reading & posting.  I'm sure you'll find some good advice here.  ((hugs))

Nana

Dear Would...

Rose is giving you great advice.  You have survived to horrible things....dont give up....as I say....the problem is not falling down, it is not being able to stand up    You have been around the wrong people...but not everyone is  like your family...you are not...you love your daughter and treat her with love and respect.   You now have the opportunity to make difference in your daughter's life, the opportunity you did not have with your family.  Who needs a family like that?  Move on, and you''ll see... how life changes.    I do believe in Karma....let it do its work.....

May God give you strength and peace.


Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Doe

CO, 

I'm going to add the suggestion to take this gradiently.  Your recovery isn't going to be overnight, but will probably come about in a series of new understandings and awakenings. 

You have have retrain yourself to look for some light (it sounds like you are doing this).  The world is filled with good people and you just have to take your place among them. 

Whatever you can do to help you stay in present time will probably help you through this.

I went through a period of malaise a few years ago and one thing that helped me was to blog.  I set up one guideline for myself and that was to only write about something good that I experienced or observed.  It was a good exercise because I tend to have a cynical streak.    You could blog about all the awful things but I think that you can rehash the past over and over and over or you can get on with building a future.   (Get busy living or get busy dying  -Shawshank Redemption).

Anyway, hang in there.  Keeping posting here.  It'll get better.

pam1

Quote from: wouldratherbeincolorado on September 29, 2011, 09:57:36 pm
I am deeply saddened that anyone has gone through what I have.  I wouldn't wish that on a snake.  How then do you attain self worth if it is a foreign concept? Something you have heard of, but not ever experienced. I'm fairly certain you can't buy it.  I am alone.  I am scared. I've lost everything only to watch my brothers, my family move on without me.  They will get the gold.  They will get the piece of mind.  Where is Karma? What is she doing?  Am I Hitler incarnate to deserve abandonment on top of abandonment plus child abuse, sexual abuse and now finally a closing of ranks and shutting me out?  I don't even have a sense of autonomy.  I've nothing to speak of.  Where is life's beauty?  I see it when I walk.  I feel it when I breath, but the pain always takes over everything and colours life black.  Is there hope?  When will it  come?  Where does it lurk?  I long for life. I long for happiness.  I long to have the things I so desire to teach my daughter.  I can't even commit to one religion.  I can't commit to anything. After all, everyone and every thing abandons, right?


It will happen, one day at a time.  As you begin to make healthier choices (not allowing abusive people in your life) you will reap the benefits.  You will see change.

No, it won't be overnight, it won't be next week.  But every day will get better, you will get stronger, you will start loving yourself and then you will see the change around you.  Have faith. 

We are all here rooting for you!
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


Ruth

Dear CO, you are definitely an artistic person, and have the soul of a writer.  I've had a tough life also, dear one.  The most productive periods in my life have been when I was beating my head against a wall, and when I felt abandoned and had to learn to look inside myself for wisdom and strength.  I will answer your question only because you asked.  I life my life by faith, and God gives me the inner peace and comfort to bear the hard things that life has seemingly unjustly sent my way, and the hope and optimism to believe that a greater force that I know is guiding my life.  Keep reading and posting, it takes a long time but you have to have faith in the process.  Its fine to vent.  When you read enough here, you begin to see that most of the women have overcome very difficult obstacles and haven't lived life in a bed of roses.  The past isn't important.  What IS important is the decisions you make today, and what you prioritize in your life.  Nonexistent on the list should be hate, blame, resentment (either toward another person or yourself).  You aren't responsible for any one's actions or decisions but your own. 

You may be a person who 'thinks too much' , and for 'we' who are like that, we need a lot of good exercise in the fresh air, walking-gardening, etc, and we need to cultivate more simple joys, ( cooking?  scrapbooking?  sewing?)  these are just some suggestions.  But I think you might need to work towards a little less probing and complexity, and more peaceful and simple pleasures in your life.

wouldratherbeincolorado

My cup runneth over...

Here I thought I would take a stab in the dark, to spill the beans and hope to be heard.  My expectations have been far surpassed, to say the least.  I cannot thank you enough for your love and support.  You are all a saving grace.  Your words of wisdom, hope and understanding astound me.  I am amazed at the kindness of this group of women.

Rose - your words are comforting. Perhaps I do need to look at the positive attributes about myself and focus on those.  I know they're in there somewhere.  Not allowing anyone to put me down any longer is the first step.  Thank you for your support.  Thank you for saying I have found a new home.  (hugs to you as well)!

Nana - thank you for your words and support as well.  You are right - I have the opportunity to give my little girl a life I never had.  Love, kindness, affection, encouragement, support.  When I am with her, I am the happiest woman in the world.  That is something to cherish and hold on to.

Doe - thank you for explaining how recovery will take place.  "Gradiently" is a brilliant way to put it.  In pure honesty, I didn't believe recovery was possible until now.  I can relate to your cynical streak and think your ground rules about being positive in your blogging is an excellent way to stay focused.  I think I would rather get busy living.  I adore that movie.  Thank you for your words of wisdom as well.

Pam - thank you again for your kindness and support.  I am beginning to see that there are other people out there who have suffered greatly and yet managed to find a level of solace.  I am very happy to have stumbled upon this wonderful community of supportive and strong women.  I believe in God and think maybe I was guided here.

Ruth - thank you for the compliments.  I see you have a way with writing yourself.  Your wisdom is amazing.  You couldn't be more accurate in identifying that I do, in fact, think too much.  There are so many simple pleasures in this life that I love engaging in.  I paint, draw, sing, write, attempt to sew though I'm terrible at it and should not even own a sewing machine.  The only class I ever failed was a sewing class when I majored in fashion design for a semester, which I still laugh about.  I love the culinary arts, good books, walking, hiking, camping, fishing, making crafts.  Thank you for reminding me of these.  I will try to stay away from the complexities and stay focused on those simple pleasures.  Maybe that is what it is all really about anyway.  I'm sorry to hear of the turmoil in your life and hope you are in a good place now.  I've never been good at the whole faith thing, but I'm going to work at it.  Your kindness is inspiring and so very appreciated. 

You all are beautiful and wonderful women for being supportive.  I am so grateful to have found you.