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Angry with my Mother

Started by wouldratherbeincolorado, September 27, 2011, 01:28:47 pm

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September 27, 2011, 01:28:47 pm Last Edit: September 27, 2011, 02:12:07 pm by pam1

So happy to have stumbled upon this site, although I think I'm on the flip side of most of these topics.  Any advice is welcome on the following situation.

I was abandoned by my biological mother at 10 months and adopted at 14 months.  I was adopted by a family that was rejected their first adoption attempt because they considered my mother to be too cold.  She is cold and unaffectionate.  My father is a recovering alcoholic who is also horribly verbally and mentally abusive.  I am the youngest (34) and I have two older brothers who were also adopted.  I remember crying myself to sleep many nights as a child, in total silence fearing I would be caught, rocking back and forth saying "I hate myself, I wish I would just die".  My father is loud, tall, overweight, irate 90% of the time and constantly criticized me, denigrated me, shamed me and told me I was stupid every day of my life.  He would scream at me and vehemently ask, "How can you be so stupid?!" He would make a popping noise every time I spoke saying, "Pull your head out of your rear".  My mother never played with me, laughed with me, tickled me or complimented me.  Nor did she protect me from my father or pull me aside and reassure me that I was not stupid or that anything he said or did that was cruel was unwarranted. 

I have suffered from a major anxiety disorder and panic attacks since I was 18.  I am extremely uncomfortable around people most of the time.  Apparently that is quite normal for individuals who were chronically abused along with a litany of other psychosomatic symptoms. I've done a great deal of research on psychology and have spent many years in therapy. Life has not been a very happy journey.

Last x-mas, my mother forcefully dragged my 3 year old daughter into the kitchen at my aunt's house because she had chocolate on her face and was trying on a new dress.  My daughter didn't see it coming and started crying because she was startled and because my mom grabbed her so hard.  My father started mocking her crying in his typical nasty fashion and threatened to give her a bare-fanny-spanking.  I hit the roof, and went off on him screaming at him not to treat a child that way.  I pitched an enormous fit and was outraged.  Its bad enough he destroyed any sense of self for me.  I won't allow him to treat my precious little girl that way.  My brother went off on me and told me to "get out".  My other brother called me days later and left a voicemail saying he was no longer my brother and that I was not welcome in his home.  He proceeded to say, "we all know how you are to your mother."  I have no idea what he was talking about.  I have been very self destructive, but I don't believe I have ever been like that to my mother.  I never received an apology from either my mother or my father for how they treated my daughter on x-mas. 

A few months past that I had a bit of a breakdown and brought up the fact that my brother molested me as a child.  He is seven years my senior, which does constitute as sexual abuse.  My mother and I got together once since x-mas for lunch (without my daughter), and she told me she doesn't believe her son would have done that.  I was not invited to Easter, not that I would have gone. 

I called my father on Father's Day to wish him well and he defended my mom and called me a liar about what happened on x-mas and then hung up on me.  My mother has sent two letters about the weather and their trip north as though nothing ever happened.  I am guilt ridden every day that goes by about not responding to her.  In my heart, I cannot have a relationship with someone who thinks I would make up an atrocity such as sexual abuse.  It shows how little she thinks of me.  Her blatant disregard on the matter is nearly as hurtful as the acts themselves.

I can't allow them to see my daughter.  My father has screamed at her twice to the point of hyperventilating.  Seeing that validated my memories of my childhood and why I feel the way I do about myself today.  I know what he did was wrong, and that his abuse was just that.  Even so, it doesn't hurt any less.

To anyone who might read this, I wish you the best in your relationships and hope you find resolve.


You are so right in not allowing them to see your daughter.  Now, how about not allowing them to see you?

I think you should get yourself as far away as you can from these people.  Tell your new friends they all died in a fiery car crash.  Don't look back! 


Thank you, Doe, your support is so very much appreciated.  I think I will tell my new friends they perished as you said!  I got a good laugh at that!


Welcome wouldratherbeincolorado :)

Your instincts are spot on -- stay far, far away from them.  I think the guilt may be tough but make yourself remember it's not your fault.  I've even heard of writing a list so that when the guilt is overwhelming you can go back and read it and sorta justify in your mind you did the right thing.

When you get a chance please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so, you might notice that I also edited a couple words out of your post.  I realize you're just repeating what was said to you and I'm very sorry that happened (how terrible of them!) but we do not allow it here.

Welcome again
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


Hi Pam, and thank you.  My apologies for the profanity - won't happen again.

lancaster lady

hello Would ............
I think to expose your daughter to the same abuse as you experienced as a child would be madness .
Even to have adults shouting in her face fills me with horror !
She is your top priority now and must come first .
Guard her with your life and stay clear of that family .


Dearest Would...
I can identify with your post so much.  I came from an abusive background, different story than yours, but yet the same.  I suffered sexual, physical, and emotional abuse.  I received no support, with the exception of my grandparents who lived in another country.  My mother was a sociopath who had many marriages to men who came after me, and my father, also had many marriages with women who were abusive.  Pop just drank alcohol and was "absent."  I spent many many years trying to have relationships with these people.  I too had an anxiety disorder, still do.  It's called PTSD.  When I was younger, I suffered agoraphobia with it and panic attacks.  I learned to work through the panic with relaxation techniques when I was about 23, and I am now 58.  I overcame this history slowly, made many mistakes, but the best progress I made as I look back, was when I disconnected from these crazy, mean people.  I spent 15 years away from them, married to a man who replicated the abuse in my home, but I was older, made friends, educated myself, loved and protected my children...and now?  I am so much happier and have a full life with people who care about me.  My regrets?  Only the time I wasted trying to love people who were not capable of it.  Trying to get approval from people who have no values.  Trying to "fix" them or the latest crazy situation when I have or had no control over them.  Most of them are dead now, and I don't miss them one bit.

Get away, get far away, stay away.  LOve and protect your children and make a life for yourself.  Just do your best and hang around people who likewise are just trying to do their best and who support you and love you and treat you with respect and dignity.  I love you Would....


Colorado, keep your chin up.  You're doing the right thing, for your DD's sake.  I agree that you should also protect yourself from them.

Go back and read your message objectively, as if someone else wrote it.  What would you tell them?  Does your family really sound like the type of club you want to join?

Some families have a "black sheep" but it sounds like you have the chance to be a "white sheep" within a family of "black sheep".

Think of how you feel about your own DD.  That's how they *should* feel about you.  They obviously don't.  They obviously have their own issues to deal with.  And unfortunately, you can't fix them, you can only work on yourself.  They were given a precious gift when they got you, but they squandered it.  Stay away from them, they are dangerous to your self-esteem, you owe them NOTHING.

Take care of your DD and yourself!


Dear wouldratherbeincolorado,

I can relate to a lot that you wrote. All the posts on this thread from women who have experienced the same or similar to you have good information and loving and wise support.

I like the idea of writting down what actually happened, because after I was finally able to shake loose my attachment to 'going back for more' I found that in months, and again after a few years, I would get haunted by thoughts of guilt that I hadn't done enough or that somehow I had got it all wrong.

Its a funny sort of survival thing isn't it? I mean that we can't keep all the awful things that happened to us in our minds for a very long time. Its good on the one hand, because we need to be free to be happy without all that stuff constantly in our minds, but also its sort of wierd because once in a while we can be brought down by guilt and saddness and have to remember a little so as to remind us of why we did all that to get free and be safe.

You have worked hard to become healed from what happened to you as a child, that is so wonderful, and now you are going to do everything you can to guard your child from anything you had to go through. I'm happy that you found this site and want all the best for you and your daughter's future.


I am so grateful to you all for your support.  I've not been able to see clearly or have any clarity on this subject until now.  You are all so very right.  I need to leave them be.  It is pathetic to know my mother puts up with my father's abuse as she does.  She says that's just the way he is.  She just rolls over and takes it.  I can't take it anymore and I won't allow my daughter to be affected. 

SesameJane, I'm so sorry to hear about how your family was to you.  No one deserves to be raised that way unless you're Hitler reincarnate. Even still, a child knows no better and can't defend themselves.  It is PTSD as you said.  I read a book by a brilliant psychiatrist, Judith Herman M.D., entitled "Trauma and Recovery", in which she coins the term "complex post traumatic disorder" as a result of chronic child abuse or political terror.  The book is a bit weighty and was written for clinicians, but it is worth the read.  I only wish she wrote more on the recovery section.  I'm more than thrilled to hear that you overcame your anxiety issues.  I don't believe I can overcome mine.  I hope for it, but each day is a chore.  I lost my job in March, can't for the life of me find another.  I was a marine cargo underwriter and spent 10 years in this small niche industry and now have no skills in any other industry.  My two closest friends went off on me and left me because I didn't text them enough or go over to their house enough.  I'm a recluse and I don't understand why they couldn't just understand that.  I do what I can.  They knew who I was.  I have a daughter and a boyfriend with whom I live.  I go to school.  Now I do want friends, but I don't want to be treated that way again.  I've lost my family (which is a good thing), but if I look at my life now, I've managed to lose everything.  I feel lost, worthless and confused. I want friends, but at the same time, I don't want to socialize with anyone.  Because I'm unemployed I have no insurance and can't afford to see my psychiatrist for my xanax prescription. Which helps me when I have to socialize with people.  Geez I sound like a basket case! 

On a positive note, I have just started meditating again and that seems to be helpful.  I am also very into my art and maybe I can find a way to make a living at being creative.  Stranger things have happened, I suppose....

Scoop - thank you as well for your in put.  It means the world to me.  I reread my post as though my daughter wrote it and it is very painful to read it that way.  Excellent point!  I will disconnect from them.  I have no doubt in my mind now that that is the only course of action in hopes of protecting my daughter and myself.  They are a family of black sheep and I don't understand why they can't see things as they are.  Not my problem any longer, I guess. 

Is it terrible to say I will miss my portion of my parents' will?


(((wouldratherbeincolorado)))  One day at a time, you'll get there.  You've already taken the hardest step, it'll just keep getting easier. 

Since you're unemployed can you not ask for help from the state or county?  I think they should be able to help you in some way.

About your portion of the will, I think in time you'll realize that the gift of not being subjected to abuse is worth so much more than money.  In my DHs FOO, the kids were sort of programmed to accept abusive or bad behavior b/c if they do, they'll get a lot of treats.  I think my DH finds life so much more enjoyable now that trinkets aren't the carrot they dangle in front of him.  I'm not sure they will cut DH out of their will, image is very important to his parents and that would ruin MILs martyr image, but we've already got a deal that anything they do give to him is going to the animal shelter. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


CO - I agree with Pam about the will.   You don't know what they are going to do with that money anyway.
Maybe they would have spent it all anyway or given it away to someone outside the family.


Pam, such truth, such truth. No amount of money is worth abuse and feeling awful about yourself when you've done nothing wrong.  I'm happy to hear your DH is enjoying life and your decision to give back to what you believe in supporting is magnanimous.  Extremely honorable in my humble opinion. 

My daughter is on All Kids and I pay a nominal premium and am so grateful for that.  I am not eligible for state or government aid due to unemployment compensation.  I was referred to a doctor that prescribes xanax to my former mother in-law (who I love dearly).  She says her m.d. works with people who are uninsured.  I need to get off my duff and make an appointment.

Scoop - yes, it is all very weird and it must be a survival instinct.  I know exactly what you mean.  I've been journaling quite a bit lately in an attempt to release some of the rage I carry.  It is helpful and a great reminder.


One thing you might try, if you haven't already, is to get active physically and take care of your body (eating well, vits, etc).  A good walk, looking around and using all your senses can work wonders at times.

And move to Colorado!  Lots of sunshine, active, healthy people and a good economy!


Sorry - that last comment was for Elizabeth.

Doe, they are very well off and told all of us their intention with their will.  They have long-term care insurance as well and are extremely frugal people.  It was a flippant comment I made though, selfish and stupid really.