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Family loyalties

Started by Pen, January 11, 2010, 08:08:08 am

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Pen

I now realize that my hurt and pain have made me say and do some things that are unacceptable (see "I think I blew it" topic.) I've also said gossipy things, out of pain, to a couple of close friends who know DS. This behavior must stop if I am to maintain a good relationship with DS & DIL! So today I confess my sins and vow to put my entire family first - if I'm hurt over something (and there are a lot of things to be hurt over) I must let it go and think about the strength of my family and my love for DS & DIL. Any other behavior will backfire on me eventually. DS would drop me in a hot minute if he suspected I'd discussed his wife w/anyone!And if anything I did caused DS to cut us off, DH would resent it forever.

Yes, I know this is how "they" get to us...they know we'll do anything to preserve our family. I just don't know how else to do this. Family above all. My needs must be dealt with by taking care of my health and self-esteem, not by verbal outbursts to DS or others.

And I may backslide, since I am not perfect, but I know I have my "peeps" here to get me back on track :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

Sadly, your absolutely right...they know it...and they will twist and turn EVERYTHING to make it look like it's you...so our only defense is, to keep our mouths shut and try not to show emotion or react to they're behavior, b/c they will push our buttons, just to get a reaction. 

My cousin told me, she had pretty similar issues, but resolved herself to believe that she was not going to react or let it get to her, like I did me...she told me, that she learned from me. and now after years and years, she now has a good relationship with her DIL...but she is VERY moody and hard to understand at times...but, she loves my cousin and more so, respects her....

reason being, my cousin made no comments of suggestions to her...didn't just drop by, always called her...when they were coming for a visit to see if they were home and up to company.  And gave her that choice....

She was very wise, but said, she was bound and determined, that she wasn't going to end up with her son, like I did mine...not that I did anything wrong...she just decided, and was ready for a war, and decided to handle it this way in hopes it would work...and it did....but again, all cases are different, b/c every individual is different...

isitme?

I think I have to learn how to do this too - bite my tongue and not say anything negative to other people.  It's hard though because my family and friends know what a hard time I have been having with BF's parents - and many of the people in our community also know they are difficult and are protective of me because they knew my parents when they were alive.  So there is a lot of gossip floating around anyways but I don't want to contribute to it.  I think it's going to come back to haunt me, but my BF's parents behavior has certainly gotten around and people are pretty mad at them for treating me so badly.  Can I at least admit that I feel a little bit better when I hear someone else say something negative about them?  Maybe it's wrong but it's true - it feels like a reality check to me. 

This may be a different issue than what you ladies have to deal with - because I don't think you feel like you can say anything to your sons.  But it's hard to remove yourself from "gossipy" behavior no matter what.

cremebrulee

I would say, you need a mentor, and when something bothers you, you have to be able to trust that you can yell or scream to your mentor when something upsets you, but isitme, by all means, do not respond, b/c that is what they want you to do, they want you to look like the lunatic....


2chickiebaby

Sadly, I cried and went into such a state of depression that I cried to everyone I knew. I couldn't keep a straight face.   It was horrible.  I should have been put in the hospital......no one could believe this was happening to us.  Shell shocked, totally. 

Pen

I knew I'd get understanding here, and was hoping that others would share similar stories so I wouldn't feel like the only one. It really helps, although I'm still totally freaked by the thought that if DS knew my inner feelings, not to mention my gossiping, that would be the end. What was I thinking? I am praying with all I've got that it never never never gets back to him. And I am vowing equally fervently to change. And praying again for the strength to change.

My immature behavior was due to feeling threatened! Light bulb moment! It's very difficult for me to be mature when my feelings are hurt. But as a mother I'm supposed to protect my family and DS & by extension DIL and her family, not tear them down. Again, what was I thinking?

Isitme, you aren't dealing with a child right now, but I think other than that it's the same - you may threaten the strength of your relationship w/FDH & FILs with loose talk. It also may make you feel bad about yourself, which is not helpful when dealing with people who are not stable.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

isitme?

January 11, 2010, 10:03:07 am #6 Last Edit: January 11, 2010, 10:07:17 am by isitme?
Thanks Cremebrulee - yes, I have many mentors and people who are looking out for me so that helps.  But it's not going to change that people in our community will talk/gossip and eventually it will get back to BF's parents who will assume I am the source.  FMIL is one of the biggest gossips in our community but claims she never talks about other people.  HA!  When she has tried to gossip to me about other people, I have just responded in a non-committal way and changed the subject.  She says she doesn't want people to talk about her family's business but I can't help what other people say.  Dont' worry though - I don't intend to give her any type of response that she can use against me.  WEll, she will find something to say no matter what but I'm not going to give anyone else a reason to think I"m the lunatic!

When other people bring things up - whether about my FMIL or one of your DILs/Sons, is it possible to say something neutral that expresses your unhappiness with the situation but doesnt' make you look like the instigator?  For instance, Anna, can you say something like "yes I have noticed this too.." and then just let the pointed silence that follows say it all...  I think it's hard not to comment when someone says something about off-the wall behavior sometimes because you don't want the other person to think you are okay with it.

Chickie, I"m sorry you were so upset that you cried. That's how I felt in the beginning.  I didn't know what I had done and why these people were being so mean to me.  I talked to a lot of people when I was going through this.  Now that I've figured out the problem was with them, I have tried not to let it get to me, so the impulse to cry to other people about it is not as strong.  It's still hard though.    :(

Penstamen, I think you are right when you say that speaking ill of BF's parents will make me feel bad about myself.  It does so I"m trying to be better at it.  At least we can all come here and vent!

2chickiebaby

Thank you, Anna and Isitme....I know that depression lasted way too long.  When it's your own child, it's just different.  It's  a death

Pen

When I was feeling mature I would say "Oh, I think we're a little hard for her to get used to" in response to questions about DIL from well-meaning friends. I might add now, since it's true, "She's trying her best, though." I wish I'd stuck to that script instead of earning an IWH ("improvising while hurt.")

Yes, Chickie, nothing compares. I have been dissolved in tears at the oddest times, often unable to function. My new insight doesn't take away the pain, just (I hope) my big-mouth response to it.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

Quotepenstamen
When I was feeling mature I would say "Oh, I think we're a little hard for her to get used to" in response to questions about DIL from well-meaning friends. I might add now, since it's true, "She's trying her best, though." I wish I'd stuck to that script instead of earning an IWH ("improvising while hurt.")


You wouldn't believe the people that questioned me about my DIL...do you know, she had the nerve to send people on my side of the family thank you cards saying "Thanks for the stuff"  how embarrassing...many people told me she was so rude and aloof to them at the wedding, and she lied to me, when I hired the limo for them...I called those people and really chewed them out, b/c she told me they were not doing what she wanted them to do...they were business associates...and when I found out the truth, I couldn't apologize to them enough....she really lies...a lot, and I've seen her be manipulative, she is so fake...so plastic and unable to fool anyone...and the moment someone who is visiting them, leaves, she talks about them? 




cremebrulee

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 11, 2010, 09:51:16 am
Sadly, I cried and went into such a state of depression that I cried to everyone I knew. I couldn't keep a straight face.   It was horrible.  I should have been put in the hospital......no one could believe this was happening to us.  Shell shocked, totally.


yeah, Chickie, totally know what you mean...it's a shock to the system....b/c you've never been treated like that before, you know this is your son's wife, and you just can't believe this is happening, but deep down in your soul, you also fear "if she is like this now, what will she be like later".....

Pen

Yup, even when it's going better I keep waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. We've been so hurt! But if I knew something I did or said sent my DS away from us, I'd be even more devastated.

Thank goodness for you all! Thank goodness for this site! Love you all.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

justus

If you can keep your mouth shut, you are a better woman than me. I am like you, when I am hurt, neither can I hide it, nor can I seem to keep my mouth shut. It has gotten me into a lot of trouble.

You are on the right track. If the other shoe drops, you will be in a much better place emotionally to deal with it, and it won't be as devastating as the previous dropping shoes were. You will know what to expect and that helps.

Invisible

My son was the cement that held together family and extended family. As soon as he died the flood gates opened. Now, I maintan a comfort zone. I communicate very superficially if at all. Open communication isn't all what it is cracked up to be. First, I need to protect myself.

So ..."how's the weather?

2chickiebaby

I wish I had the right words, Invisible.  I really do. You are surrounded by friends here.  God Bless you.  I think about you so much.