Stress Busters

[Keys Girl]

I've started this thread from a conversation with CityGirl on another thread -

CityGirl, the stress levels that you are under are extreme.  What can you do, if you might lose the house, which not lose it early and then the family members who are supposed to be "helping" you but are hostile if you ask them to do the laundry can find somewhere else to stay.

Can you find a place to live that will accommodate your MS should it get worse? I don't anything about the disease but I believe it is progressive. 

What kind of help can you get from an MS Association? Will someone come in and assist you (without the grumpy, snarky routine)?

You've had some huge losses in the very recent past and your children are being less than supportive.......however, I do know of someone who was adopted as an adult by some wonderful, loving people and both the parents and their 25 year old son have found and created a new family for themselves.  Is that an option for you?

Finally, I would suggest finding some kind of role that would allow you to totally forget about all the dilemmas and lose yourself in the act of helping others.  You can use a computer, you could create an on-line group for children whose parents are serving in the military.  Those kids are probably scared to death every single day, worried sick and probably not wanting to burden the parent who is back home with their fears or maybe some kids whose parents or relatives have been diagnosed with the illness.  It's always easier to ask a stranger the questions you are most afraid of.

I would like to suggest that you start with a small group of children (with their parent's approval) and as someone who has dried many tears with your children, calmed their fears, you should have a  lot of on the job training already under your belt.

Things are not as worse as they could be.  You're doing some serious suffering, there is no doubt about that between the loss of your mother, the cavalier actions of your adult children, your concerns about your MS and worrying about the house and being unemployed.

A long time ago I was in a similar situation and the future seemed bleaker than black.  A friend of mine took out a piece of paper and drew a small drawing that looked like a pot.  He had drawn "-" (minus) signs in the pot and there were about a dozen of them.  He showed it to me and said "See this? this is your life.  You take the minus signs ONE AT A TIME and change them into "+" (plus) signs and eventually your bucket is full of plusses.  One at a time" he said.  It was great advice and eventually I did get my bucket full of "+" plus signs..........every now and then a "-" (make that major minus) for the troubles with my son, but I remember my friend's bucket analogy and trudge onward towards finding a way to get the plusses back in the bucket.

It's extraordinarily difficult to do it while you are in the midst of grief and pain and sadness.  Your bucket probably feels totally full of "-"'s but that's impossible.  Sit down and make a list of every achievement that you've made since the age of 3 and that includes riding a two wheeled bike to giving birth.  The list will be longer than your realize, keep it handy and read it once in a while to remind yourself of everything that you've done on every road you've been on and keep those photos in a drawer until those allergies disappear.

I recently had lunch with some wonderful friends and we got to talking about my blood pressure issues and stress.  I told them what I had planned for that week and they both said, "Nope, cancel that, it's stressful, keep your blood pressure down".........and next week I'm doing this "Nope, cancel that too, it's stressful, keep your blood pressure down".........I've learned that I can reduce a lot of the stressors by just saying "I have to cancel".  What can you cancel to remove stress?

I wouldn't do anything in terms of large changes for 6 months, it's not good to make big decisions in an emotional time, but I would brain storm, chat, surf the net, and consider every and any option to make your living space better and move towards a happier spot and if your adult children aren't treating you well, you don't have to choose to tolerate them.

[Ruth]

I am glad you started this thread, Keys.  I posted on the other thread because I was so concerned about this poor sufferer.  I don't have any great suggestions, but some will be forthcoming from the champions who blaze across this website!   Together, maybe we can all come up with some good ideas to help you City Girl!   Are you a big proponent of nutritional therapy?   I have a friend with MS who's done well with managing symptoms with macrobiotic diet.  Lots of juicing.  Stress of the negative kind is I know very bad for you.  I hope you can get those negative people out of the house.  I'd kiss the house goodbye and find a room if need be that I could be really content in and have some peace of mind.  You are in my thoughts.

[Rose799]

I'm glad you started this thread, too, KG.  I've been thinking...

After reading how many WW aren't looking forward to the holidays, it occurred to me that maybe what we should do is pool our $$ & buy a resort.  Rooms could be reserved during stressful holiday times -- call it a 'family reunion' of sorts...  Other times of the year, rooms could be kept available for those in need of special attention & pampering.  Doesn't a professional massage sound good about now?  Too, it could provide financial assistance in our retirement years.  Luise, of course, would have the honor of naming it.   I vote CityGirl as being the first guest!   

[CityGirl]

You are all so wonderful!  I have to go back and apologize to Mary-Ann for hijacking her thread.  I was feeling so bad it all just spilled out.

I cannot say too much right now, I am so tapped, but there is so much to think about and so many good ideas for positive thinking.

I truly have no idea where I am going to go.  I am trying to find a lawyer I can afford to help me manage my options (can I sell the house before I lose it, etc.)  Ironically, the son who won't speak to me is a lawyer!  I do have many wonderful friends and they are affirming in assuring me I am neither a bad person nor a bad mother.  This is especially helpful from friends who were there while I was raising my children.  The MS society is not helpful at all.  But I have applied for a grant with the MS Foundation for a home health aide, I am just waiting to hear.  I keep telling myself, I have reinvented myself before, I am just going to have to do it again.

I have no doubt that if we knew each other in real life, if we were in close proximity, there would be many knocks at my door and many hugs.  Just knowing that helps.

What a brilliant idea for a WW resort!!!  It would certainly be put to some very, very good use.  I always think if I win the lottery I will start a foundation to provide grants to single mothers for education and/or buying their own homes.  Here is another project to add.  Are you listening Lottery Gods?!?!  lol

[Pen]

CG, if I win the lottery I will definitely help fund such a venture. I also want to give grants to women whose earning potential and education were halted due to having disabled children, and it would be cool to start an art gallery for disabled adult artists. Actually, I'll bet there's funding out there if we just look. Best wishes and many {{{hugs!}}}

[CityGirl]

More outstanding ideas!  Actually, same son who stopped speaking to me said before when I mentioned this "You know you don't have to win the lottery to start a foundation..."

See, he wasn't always heartless.  lol 

Of course, I have to start playing the lottery.  I think that increase the odds of winning.  lol

[Mary-Ann]

Ahh CityGirl you did not hijack my thread..... I am so thankful we have a place to share.     

[CityGirl]

Hugs to you Mary-Ann! 

[SunShine]

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this City Girl. When I was growing up, my next door neighbor had MS. It ran in her family. I'm sorry you are struggling with so much. I wish also that we could all win the lottery. That would solve a lot. I'm sorry the MS society isn't much help. Too much stress isn't good at all. I'm beginning to realize in life that children aren't there anymore when you need them. It seems a different world. Years ago people would often live in three generational homes. My mother grew up that way. Her grandmother, father and her extended family all shared a large apartment building. Everyone was there for everyone else. They all took care of each other. I really think humans are meant to live in family groups. This isolation we live in is not good and I wish the world were different. I wish you much luck and keep us updated. I wish you and others in this kind of situation could depend on family. Where is our society going wrong? I don't think this is just isolated cases. It's where we are going as human beings as a whole. When our children are older and have health issues, they will finally realize what they did to their parents. They'll be wondering where their children are.

[Pooh]

Stress is a major factor in my disease as well and triggers flares.  I am really having to learn to not get stressed.  Not easy at all because stress is everywhere (family, work, home, etc.).