March 28, 2024, 07:45:09 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Uninvited to my sons Wedding

Started by Mary-Ann, September 23, 2011, 08:47:23 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

sesamejane

KG, I have also had to make that difficult decision and do not feel in any way inclined to revisit that pain.  I so appreciate your posts. 


Love and hugs to all.

CityGirl

Mary-Ann, I am so sorry you are going through this heart ache.  It never ceases to amaze me how many of us experience this pain with our children.  But the women here are full of wisdom and comfort, it will help.

All I can offer is that prayer and time have helped me somewhat.  I am still shattered that my son has totally excluded me from his life for no discernible reason.  And my three other three children are not too much better.  I have many low moments, but reading these pages, praying and staying close to my friends is very validating.  I know that dwelling on the situation is particularly bad for me specifically.  Practicing letting go makes me feel more at peace, although it is hard to get there.

Do you have a third party you can talk to, someone who isn't involved?  My therapist helps me keep things in perspective and she is neutral, so her feedback means a lot to me.  She is as mystified as I am by his behavior and that is reassuring.

I hope you do what is best for you over these next weeks and try to detach from your son's anger.  It sounds like he just needs to get it out of his system and he picked this emotionally loaded time to do it.  I am so sorry and send many good and healing thoughts your way.

Smilesback@u

I agree with City-Girl about finding outside support to get through the toughest times.  It makes me mad that  mothers are receiving hurtful messages from family.  After all, gratitude goes a long way to getting through life better and why make it harder on anyone? How can our DS/DD lose sight of the big picture?  The past is the past after all - for crying outloud.  No one is perfect and we all make mistakes as parents.  We were not alone in our history together either, circumstances, situations were created and we all had to figure out a way to deal with it as a family - so how can they feel blameless or so innocent?  Kids are kids and not too many grow up without making mistakes.  I think forgiveness and moving on is the name of the game at all times.  If we keep getting stuck in grudges than we are going to just feel miserable.  Hope they get a clue before the wedding.  It kinda reminds me of suicide like cutting off your nose to spite yourself, as some big message of being angry at your parents and the world, because you have been done wrong (what if they are wrong? have the DS/DD ever thought of that?  And what happens when they look back and see that possibly they played a part, and then have regrets?)  I think you don't have to make this better for them in anyway--- sorry they feel the way they do, and they will regret not including you in their wedding.  I would make an attempt to open up the conversation only after you have counseling.  I would listen to DS complaints and reflect back that you understand how he feels, or whatever the problem is, and then you will have to respect his decision.  But it is his decision, and not your fault for not having tried to figure it out with him.  Sorry just kinda got angry that mothers are getting hurt so bad - and don't deserve it.  Keep on hoping for the light of wisdom to happen.  There is still time.     

CityGirl

Smiles, as much as I would be thrilled if my son called me or spoke to me again, anger is a large part of what I am feeling too.  I am working on not letting it consume me, but it is a natural response to this irrational and truly cruel treatment.  I mean, what healthy 34 year old professional chooses to not speak to his mother and offer no explanation?!  How can that be construed as acceptable behavior?!  I am approachable, we had what I thought was a good relationship and this is how he treats me?!  Instead of explaining what is wrong and giving us a chance to work it out.   Especially now, when I need him more than ever in my life.  My MS gets worse every week.  I am so, so sick.  It kills me to think of the time we are wasting.

So yes, I am sad and miss him terribly but I am also angry that he is being so selfish.  He was loved and cherished from the minute he was known about, even before he was born.  If his life wasn't perfect, well, nobody's is.  Grow up.

I look at his baby pictures and wedding pictures from only three years ago and I still can't believe it.  That was such a happy day, I never saw this coming.  I have to say, I am really having a hard day today.  :(

Keys Girl

City Girl, take care of your MS, if it is getting worse, it might be from stress.

I would put those photographs in a drawer for a while, they will just bring more gried, is there someone else who can help you with your health?

We will never know exactly why out adult children do what they do, just that they have chosen to do it.  Don't keep looking for the wherefore or the why, you will never know, as so many of us who are in the same boat will spend time and energy wondering about the cause as if knowing that could change the effect.

He is being selfish, you are right and that's his right, sadly, his right to live his life in a self-absorbed fashion.  It's so very disappointing to think of the decades of devotion that is now being reciprocated with the "cold shoulder".   

You have rights too.  You have the right to a happy life without someone whose emotional cruelty plays upon your vulnerability from a cruel disease.  You have the fight to not "beat yourself up" about how his relationship turned out with you because of anything you might have done along the way.  You are absolutely right, no one's life is perfect, we all have our struggles, but somehow many of our adult "children" seem to think they shouldn't have a life that is absolutely anything that what they want, exactly and precisely as they want it, and if it means their parents will pay for it, many of them seem to feel that is just fine. 

I think you are sad because you are going through what I went through, the loss of the relationship with the person that you had for so many years and in my case, the loss of the expectation of the relationship I would have with him for the next however many years until I leave the planet.   There's a lot  to be angry and sad about, but don't let it affect your own health, that's Priority #1 (IMHO).
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

CityGirl

Keys, you are right, I am wallowing and it is not healthy.  It has been an awful month.  My mother died three weeks ago and and my other children have also been behaving in very disappointing ways.   My youngest has been sweet, but she lives half way across the country from me.

My oldest, the one who is not speaking to me, and his wife are expecting.  I have been 'allowed' to know about the baby and even to make things for it (they are choosing not to know the gender).  I have made two quilts and the one I am working on now is an Irish chain pattern in yellow gingham with red gingham and red and yellow calico accents, trimmed with a white eyelet ruffle.  It is coming out so pretty, but full of reminders.   My late husband and I  (we were SO young!!  I was SO happy about my baby boy!!) painted my son's room a bright yellow when he was a baby, with red accents.  His bassinet had a yellow gingham skirt.  I still have it, along with the sweater and hat I brought him home from the hospital in.  So I am just flooded with memories right now.

I have no doubt that stress is making the MS worse.  I am out of work and close to losing my house.  I have no one to help me, even though my daughter and her boyfriend live with me, they do very little around the house.  And they act very resentful when I ask for something.  I can't do stairs anymore, I need her to do my laundry, but I have to ask over and over.   And that is really all I ask her to do for me.   It is so hurtful to feel like such a burden.

So things are just as bad as they could be and I am just trying to keep my head above water.  It is very, very hard.  But you are right, I need to keep the focus on myself and stay as healthy as possible. 

Keys Girl

CityGirl, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother.  I wouldn't use the word wallowing that's pretty strong, but I was thinking more along the lines of allergies and staying away from allergens.

We have highjacked this thread a bit, so I'll set up another one.  I'll call it "Stress Busters".  Meet you there.
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

SunShine

Mary Ann, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't beat yourself up over asking if your step daughter could come to the wedding, because technically that is your son's step sister. He does have other children there and why not his step sister? I have a feeling your son was looking for any reason to blow up at you. Weddings are stressful and I wonder how much of this is only for you and how much of this is his worrying about how to have a marriage, when things didn't go right for his own parents. Is he getting wedding jitters and you are a target?

It's so easy to blame parents for everything, because you don't have to look at yourself and find fault. I'd call him up and say you are coming to the wedding, sans stepdaughter and if he doesn't want to talk to you after that fine, but he'll look cruel if his own mother isn't there. I'd ask for a peace treaty for one day and hold your head up and go. Make your son realize he will look bad in the eyes of others if his own mother isn't there. He doesn't see that he'll look mean.

After that, you'll have to take things one day at a time and not let him blame you for his father's past. He can't accept he had a flawed father and until he does, he won't grow up and move on. I think there is more to this than you think. It's so easy to blame the parent who is alive. So many children do that. They blame the parent who is alive, because they can't take their anger out on the one who isn't. He can't accept his father had an addiction and perhaps he is afraid of becoming him, as his wedding approaches. It's all subconscious of course.

I'd say this to your son... I will not bring my step daughter. I understand you don't want that, but for one day, we should have a truce. It doesn't look good for you to exclude me from your wedding, no matter how you are feeling right now. After your wedding, you can do what you like, etc.  After a few months, I'd write him a letter and say... Remember, it's easy to blame a parent who is still living, than one that is not. I'm sorry your father did not live up to your exceptions, nor I. I was young, but I don't regret having you in my life.

These are only my suggestions and I don't know if they will work in your situation. I'd hold my head up and make him realize that a one day truce will make him not look bad. He will look bad to her relatives. Very bad and he doesn't realize this. He also needs to learn that you won't accept blame for his father messing up. No one gets to have a perfect life and he needs to be reminded of that. He won't make the same mistakes his parents made when he has children... he'll make other ones. Good luck and if you are truly uninvited, stop paying out any more money for the wedding. Good luck and I'm sorry he did that. His anger is misplaced perhaps.

Ruth

dear, dear City girl...I wish I could be there to help you myself, I really mean that.  This afternoon I cleaned my head off for an acquaintance who's having surgery this week and her ds is coming in.  I thought of the fact that I can't prepare a room for my own ds, so I made that a special experience for me, living vicariously through her experience.  I am so sorry for the struggle you're having.  I hope you will find a way to reach out to others near you, beyond your own immediate family, sorry to say but at times they offer the least help and encouragement.  We are here for you with love and thoughts.

I thought Sunshine's input was interesting, there are two points of view and I don't know which is right.  It would depend on the particular person.  Is it only recently that he has become vindictive like this?  do you feel a window still remains open to bring this back to the negotiating table?   Would you really want to go to the wedding under these circumstances, i.e. which would be more stressful, going or not going?  Mary Ann I do think that it is a real tragedy, and if your son does not choose to eat crow and reinvite you, he'll regret this decision for years to come.  I grieve for you.

When I was very young, I thought children arrived on the planet as blank slates.  My first marriage and father of children, was a very troubled individual with a horrific family tree.  No one ever taught me any better, and I was a young teen.  I have since learned that personality and characteristics are very much inherited and some children wreak havoc.    At some point you just have to accept and ..well just accept. 

CityGirl

SO sorry for the whine-jack Mary-Ann!! 

I have to say, I love the idea of asking for a one day truce.  It gives him a chance to be 'the bigger person' (even though we know it really is you! :)) and it gives you a chance to enjoy the day.  And it might break the ice. 

Oh, I wish you so much luck!

Mary-Ann

All you ladies are amazing. I am overwhelmed reading your stories and your kind advice. Thank you Pooh, Smilesback@u, Doe, CityGirl, SunShine, Pam1, KeysGirl, Sesamejane, Ruth, LancasterLady, Pen, BlueEyes, Begonie, and Luise. I hope I didn't miss anyone. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my situation.

I took the weekend to step back and try to process all that has been going on in the past weeks. I go from hurt to anger to disbelief and back again. Right know I am frozen I do not know what to do. Like everything else with my ds I will be judge by my action. I ask the same question LancasterLady .. Why is that I can forgive my ds for everything, and he can forgive me for nothing. 

My ds and I went for counseling together when he was 17. I thought at that time we had worked out most of the issues of his childhood. I agree KeysGirl I think that our sons need counseling on their own. I attended a woman's group about two years ago that helped me deal with my dysfunctional childhood. I never played the blame game with my parents but I had never dealt with feeling and issues I had buried deep inside. I guess it is true dysfunction breed dysfunction. I though by be nothing like my mother would insure my children would have a better life.

Yes LancasterLady, I have always felt that my ds wished he had a different mother. Small things like not accepting my family request on fb that would allow me to list him as my son. My youngest ds had no issues with it. My ds would complain to my bf that I would tell him that I loved him too much. He told me I was only permitted to tell him I love him once in a conversation and he would respond, if I said I love you more that once then he would not say I love you back. I know that may all sounds silly but it was like he had guide on how I could show him affection.   

Dear SunShine the offer of a truce is a good idea. I am not sure if I have the strength or courage to do it. It is pretty clear now that my sd, dh or mil will not be attending the wedding. My ds has not only hurt me by this out bust of anger, he has hurt them as well. He has made it clear that he does not consider them a part of his family. I can not ask my dh to attend. I know he would if I asked him but why should he go somewhere he is not wanted. Right now that is the way I feel too, why go if I am not wanted. Maybe that is selfish, maybe I will regret this like many other decisions I have made. Maybe tomorrow I may feel differently.

I do have good people in my life. my youngest ds doesn't feel the same way towards me, he doesn't see things the same way my ds does. My dh is an amazing man and he loves me very much. My bf of the past 20+ has been through so many things with me, and is always there to offer her support. My mil is an amazing woman...she is sending my ds and dil a card to tell them that she is no longer attending their wedding and this is she a piece of what she wrote them:

I am so sorry that all of this has come up now, on one of the most important days of your lives.
I have held your mom while she has cried over this..  I too have made lots of mistakes in my life (also coming from a disfunctional family - knowing only the abnormal/normal).  If I could do it over, knowing what I know now - my choices would be much different.  Fortunately my kids and God have forgiven me for my wrong doings and mistakes.
I am praying that you also will find it in your hearts to forgive and make a new life for yourselves filled with love and peace.  Forgiving each other for the many mistakes you are bound to make.  Years from now, you also will look back and wish you could do things over.
Praying for you both.     

I hope with this card, and my youngest ds coming home next week for the wedding..... and a little time and maybe my ds will reach out to me. 

Sending Love back to you all!!       

             



CityGirl

Mary-Ann, you sound strong and like you have a good support system.  I know you are going to be ok, even within the hurt.  I am praying for continued peace for you in the situation.

Your post brings up another good point - this behavior doesn't occur in a vacuum.  They effect so many others, and cause even more hard feelings and pain, like ripples in a pond.  Such a shame.  :(

Smilesback@u

Mary-Ann you sound grateful and that will bring you peace. 


Scoop

Mary-Ann, something you wrote really raised a red flag for me.  You said that you were only allowed to say "I love you" once per conversation.  Before that, how many times were you saying it?

Because, from my point of view, if someone kept saying "I love you", it would say to me that the person was just saying it, to hear it back and that would make it meaningless to me.  And then it would become annoying, and eventually I would get angry about it.

Also, I hate to say it, but etiquette says that if a name isn't on the invitation, then that person is not invited.  I don't think you were wrong to ask about your SD, but MAN! some wires must have gotten crossed somewhere because un-inviting you is Over The Top!

And it's actually common for the only kids invited to be the ones who are IN the wedding party.

That being said, it sounds to me like you and DS have a communication problem.  It sounds like he may be letting you know 'things' in entirely TOO subtle a way (if at all), such that, when he's had enough, he blows his top.  But it sounds like you're not listening to his communications either.  After the 2nd or 3rd time you said "I love you", did he say "M-o-o-o-o-m!" or did he respond very flatly, or did he actually say "Oh, I love you too!" each time?  Because, the first 2 would be his subtle way of saying he'd had enough.

THAT being said, did he actually say to you "I don't want you to come to my wedding!" or did he say "Fine then, if you're going to be like this, don't come!"  Because, there's a fine line there too.  The first one was a sincere dis-invitation.  The second one was a "I've had enough with this argument, if you can't respect our boundary of no kids, then don't come."  Which means, that if you leave your SD with a babysitter, AND you leave the issue at home, then you're still welcome to come to the wedding.

Can you imagine?  What if he didn't MEAN it as an UN-invitation and you, DH and MIL don't show up.  Then he'll be embarrassed and angry.  During the reception, he's not going to say "I dis-invited my Mom", he's going to say "She wouldn't accept that we wanted 'no kids', and now, she just didn't show up, I don't know where she is."

I really hope you guys can work this out before the wedding, because if you don't go to the wedding, you may find that you're not welcome during their marriage either.

SunShine

I'm so glad to hear you have such a great support system. I think what your MIL did was outstanding. I had a really great MIL also. Perhaps her wisdom will sink into your DS's head. You are sounding better and you have to do what you feel comfortable with. If not going to the wedding makes you feel more comfortable, then don't go. Perhaps that is the best answer for you. It's nice that the others will stand by you. I still think your DS's issues have more to do with him than you, but that is just my humble opinion. He also sounds a tad jealous of your new family. I wanted to mention jealousy in my last post. Is he jealous of your marriage and new extended family? He does sound like he needs counseling and has some anger issues. Wishing you continued strength.