Uninvited to my sons Wedding

[sesamejane]

So true...you all have said so much of what is true.  I agree, and so many of us have the same story.  Me too.  Whether it is the unfair banishment or the "overdoing" at ds's wedding.  All of it...

Ruth's comments got me thinking too about "perfect parenting" and what that might mean. when I go walking in nature, a forest or through the hills, or on an ocean or lake, I sometimes take time to notice how messy everything is. Isn't that true?  The leaves are a tangle, and broken or dead  branches stick awkwardly out like so many sore thumbs, and there is dirt everywhere covering everything!  Rocks are irregular and damage is done to hillsides by torrential rivers and rainstorms.  Every wave is different, and often they run into each other or into the shore.  Nature is full of imperfection, and yet it is that imperfection that makes it just perfect.  It appears this is the  Creator's way.  Maybe being "perfect" according to the silly propaganda generated by the media, etc. is unattainable and ultimately nonexistent.  Which of course means I walk around feeling completely inadequate or confused or defensive...and on and on.  And the folks who are supposed to love me and support me, and maybe give me the benefit of the doubt occasionally or cut me some slack - that would be nice too!! Well, maybe they suffer from the same illusions.  My G.. how we have fallen and are so judgmental of one another.

I don't want to be "perfect" anymore.  This is my official notice that I am not in the business of being perfect and am not going to expect you to be perfect either. Pass it forward please.

[Pen]

SJ, what a beautiful post. That's how I was feeling, but couldn't put it into words.

Now I see why DIL & her FOO have trouble with me and DH; they are of the "perfect" world and DH & I are of the natural world. I too get caught up in chasing after that other world, but it never works because it is unattainable, as you said, at least for me. I much prefer the wilderness anyway.

[lancaster lady]

Another thing.........how come we forgive our children all their discretions , however they don't reciprocate us ........?

[Pooh]

I think it's because we are older, and have gained wisdom over the years that life it too short, people make mistakes and a general sense of "chilling out" as we age.  I know that the last 10 years, I have learned to let the little things go that used to drive me bonkers.  I have also learned what is important in life...love, relationships, companionship,health, laughter and joy.  It's no longer about houses, gifts, things....I have hope that someday, they will reach that point as well.

[Pooh]

And I should have said that yes, I am referencing those of us with difficult DC.  I know we have younger DILs on here that have already figured that out.   

[Smilesback@u]

Beautiful SJ -- analogy of the forest's messiness and our own nature.  I am not perfect and you don't have to be perfect with me.  Pass it on  

[Keys Girl]

Mary-Ann, I've just come thought a similar situation.

It's incredibly painful to find that your son doesn't want you at his wedding, but I wouldn't try to "get" an invitation.  It's their wedding, who they invite is up to them, it seems like quite a big deal to blow up at you for wanting to including another child in the celebration, but that's how these people are.  My son also told me that I ruined his life because I broke up the family (when he was 4 years old after coming back from a visit from his father just after our divorce).  I told him to come back to me in about 20 years, and while most of those years in between were really good, we are now back to the 4 year old point of view.

Being left of the wedding is painful, it's almost like being kept away from the "Finish Line" after many years of coaching our children from birth. 

I spent my son's wedding day with some close friends and don't have any plans to subject myself to any more of the "blame game".  My son has his life to lead and I am off to lead mine.

I know the pain that you re feeling but I don't think there is any way out of this, I think the purpose of this response is to cause you pain. 

I think your son and mine would need to get some serious counselling to have them understand and acknowledge that we did the best we could, when their fathers weren't someone they could count on.  I think they turn the resentment and emotions that have been buried deep since their young years onto the target they feel a sense of power over.

It's sad beyond measure, but I've done my crying and now that the date of the wedding is behind me, I feel a tremendous sense of relief, almost as if a sword was hanging over my head until then. 

Don't think about anyone else's "perfect parents", or anyone else,  just thing about your future, and what you can do to make your life better and better.  Keep on trucking, if you brought up your son as a teen mom, and his father has already passed away because of an addition, you are a strong woman.  You probably don't know how strong you are, but it's time to turn your strength towards focusing on your life, unfortunately there are times when life is very painful, sadly that's part of it.

Good luck,
KG

[Doe]

You know, Marriage/wedding is always on the list of the top stressful events in a person's life.   Maybe this son is a little overwhelmed.

[Smilesback@u]

KeysG - I am surprised that this wedding cut-off is not so unusual as I thought.  The fact that you went through it and can understand how it feels is so helpful.  How painful for anyone to feel that rejection.  You are such a good soul to share this here and offer hope.  I agree totally with stopping the blame game all the way around.  Letting family seek counseling and setting appropriate boundaries to not beat yourself up about past parenting foibles is my recommendation too.  I have been through more than one painful cut-off and each time it blew my mind.  I had physical symptoms, dizziness, upset stomach, thought I was going to pass out and my heart hurt a lot.  These events are real to us and cannot be ignored.  You need to take care of yourself, get support here and elsewhere - it matters, you matter, you are very important.  Hope you can have peace soon. sending hugs, 

[Ruth]

One of you said something about 'this wedding cut off may not be so unusual...'  got me thinking also.  I think that if the AC is of the angry, vindictive mode, these memorable occasions, i.e. wedding, graduation, grandchild, provide rich fodder for stabbing away at the parent.  That is so unfortunate, because these events live on and on.  I was uninvited to my ds college graduation.  Also when ds left for military to be gone six years, he didn't even come to tell me goodbye.  I understand how you feel Mary Ann, its a stinking place to be.  Know that you are in good company, and we have all cried likewise.

I think of you often Lancaster and the ordeal you've had with DIL and DS in home and the wedding, sorry your worthy face didn't make it into many of the photos.  Its too bad you couldn't have used 'Smiles' new gorilla face for those pictures.

And I would like to say that I am also a wilderness person.  We have to walk a lonely path sometimes, because we don't usually hide behind masks.

[Keys Girl]

Smilesback@u, I'm doing fine, had a lot of problems with my blood pressure in the time frame leading up to the wedding, but those problems have disappeared.   I'm moving on, and I'm am in no hurry for a "reconciliation"........there are many people on this board who have a lot more "heart" than I do, but after going through the grief and hostility of recently memory, I wouldn't be in any hurry to see my son or his wife any time before Halley's Comet returns. (not sure when that is, but I'll bet it's not next month).

I'm now supremely protective of my health, happiness and peace of mind.  I'm not getting any younger, and I'm not wasting another minute with anyone who wants to give me any grief, wedding related or otherwise. 

[Smilesback@u]

Glad you are here Keys, you have a great sense of humor that lights the way.   What's done is done, and I take heed in realizing that bad things do happen to good people...and to be prepared to re-focus, re-group and make a good life for myself.  The letting go of expectations just got a little harder.  Hugs to you all.   

[Pen]

KG, I want to be you when I grow up.

[lancaster lady]

thankyou for your thoughts Ruth ,
I guess I am a big softy really where my kids are concerned , however I think that if the tables were to turn
again , they would find a different Momma next time .
Things are going smoothly at the moment , and yes there are still things that make me bite my tongue ,
my GD is the shining light through it all , and it's for her that I am doing this .
Six weeks till move out day , and I really hope they remember where I live , if my GD wasn't part of this scenario
I wouldn't be so anxious .
I only see my ODS twice a year , and my DD perhaps once a month , which is fine .As long as they keep
in touch I don't expect them to live in my pocket , but my GD is another matter .
We bought chalks today and decorated my patio with patterns , she melts my heart ....<3

[Keys Girl]

Pen, what a sweet comment, thank you.
KG