Uninvited to my sons Wedding

[Rose799]

Awe Ruth, your dd is so fortunate to have you.  My dd got married under similar circumstances, but that wasn't so much an issue for me.  She had already distanced herself by that time.  Though we attended, I felt like I was watching my own family through a window, rather than actually participating.  Thank goodness, people thought I was crying happy tears, but they weren't.  We'd seen our sil twice before they announced their engagement, though they dated for over a year.  He was a complete stranger to us.  It was very difficult, but it was their day & I made the absolute most of it that I possibly could.  Weddings & new births, so I've learned, can certainly take the wind out your sails.  But you're right, the world still turns... 

[bdwell1904]

Hello lovely ladies. Well it's been 2 weeks, and no communication at all from my side of the family. DD shower day came and went. I am keeping my off days in the remote chance DD will change her mind, but if not DH and I will find something wonderful to do.
Mary-ann I hope you are keeping your chin up, DH and I might have to add Canada to our bucket list 

[Keys Girl]

Bdwell1904, I would plan ahead for something to do.......and maybe leave a day or two early.  It's a tough countdown, but I think it is best to be pro-active as opposed to waiting for someone else to maybe do something.

Hang in there,
KG

[Pooh]

I agree with Keys, go ahead and plan something wonderful for you and DH and have fun. 

[Sassy]

Mary-Ann, you are in my thoughts today, and will be this weekend.

[lancaster lady]

Maryann .......hope you are far away on some sandy shore , my thoughts are with you ...x

[bdwell1904]

Maryann same with me thoughts and prayers for you this weekend

[foofoo]

I hope you are not offended by this, but I think you were out of line in your assumption that you could bring your stepdaughter to the Church.  From what you said in your follow up posts, it does not appear that you politely asked your son, but you simply told him during a discussion of logistics.  I'm sorry, but this is disrespectful to both your son and your daughter in law.  Was his response grossly disproportional, yes, but you were out of line to begin with.

As to the boycotting of the wedding by your mil, this will not go over well.  She is just making the whole situation worse.  Your best course of action is to limit the fallout, not extend it.   A portion of my in laws boycotted my wedding for very different reasons than yours, but they boycotted it just the same.  I can assure you, that we will never have more than a polite yet distant relationship with them.  I just had my third child about a month ago.  There is nothing more that they would like than to see the baby and I am in no hurry to visit them.  They don't understand this and I am of the opinion that they have gone out of their way to alienate me, why would I go out of my way for them.  In a year, this may be all water under the bridge and your mil might want to have a decent relationship with your son and dil.  You should really consider the long term consequences of your actions.

[sesamejane]

Hi foofoo,
It's always good to hear the "other side of the Medicine Wheel."  I appreciate your input, and thank you for posting. 

I understand your anger and have felt the same way under slightly different circumstances.  Unfortunately, I always went back for more when I was younger. 

I have changed over the years and have become much more assertive.  I hope your mil will have a change of heart.

thanks for the food for thought!

[Catherine]

For some reason I have been blocked from posting on this site so I have created a new user name.

My ds wedding came and went like I never existed.

I want to thank all the ladies that offered me their thoughts and prayers. I have cried an ocean of tears this last month.  I know I will never be the same but I will survive. My life will go on.

So much was said about me wanting to have my sd at the church that I wanted to fill you ladies in on something that happened at the wedding. I was told by a friend that there were children at the church. Children other than the ones standing in the wedding. Someone that was invited to the wedding brought their two children to the church. The children were younger than my sd. They were not asked to leave, the service went on without a hitch. No one die cause they were there. 

Dear bdwell1904 stay strong, I am thinking of you. Keys Girl I wish I had your strength.   
           
     

[Sassy]

I have seen that happen at no children weddings, as well.   People with less to risk, I suppose.  Or perhaps people who may not have known children weren't welcome.  It doesn't seem that "no children" was made very clear unless directly addressed.  (You'd think names on the invitations would make clear enough who is invited to a wedding, but every wedding has a few guests who can't get their head around that).   

I did not get the impression that DS was upset about you wanting to bring stepdaughter, per se.   Since he still came to your home to comfort you, after you expressed to him your wishes to have her there.  I think it was pushing him, with pretty strong tactics, to override his future wife's wishes for their wedding, that was where the breakdown happened. 

If DS was strong enough to support his wife, his loyalty wouldn't have been swayed by the accusations against him.   If DS was strong enough to support his wife, even in the face of being told he was a bad family man for doing so, DIL wouldn't have felt like he was throwing her clear (at that point) boundaries by the wayside.   

[Catherine]

I know that I did not handle the situation in the best way. I can not change what happened, but nothing I did deserved what my ds and dil did by uninviting me.  My ds did not come to my home that night to comfort me, he came there to pick up some money.

I just want you all to know that the one thing that started this and got me uninvited to the wedding happened anyway. My point is that a big deal was made about my sd attending because they did not want children there and in the end there were children there. 


     

[Scoop]

I agree with Sassy that this argument was NOT about "children at the church", it was your DS defending a boundary, and you NOT taking "no" for an answer. 

Please stop justifying your position by talking about the fact that there were kids there and the earth is still spinning.  It won't help you to regain a relationship with your DS.  It will only alienate him more.

Because, I'm pretty sure that he thinks you missed the wedding, by your own fault.  I would even bet that he's upset that you couldn't un-bend yourself enough to be there for him.

So now, how do you move forward from this?  What are you going to do now?

[Doe]

Well, whatever happened, I can tell  you that it's not fun to go to a wedding when your heart is breaking about your son's future.   I went, but was uncomfortable the whole time, so I imagine it would have been painful either way.  Lucky for you - you have a husband and daughter who love you and a whole life to turn to if you'll leave this behind.

[Pen]

Catherine, many of us here do not deserve the treatment we get. We must jump through hoops set up by someone who may not like us or care about our feelings. Unfortunately, that's the situation and we cannot control what other people do. What we can control are our reactions to their behavior.

I personally think the invitation/no kids issue was handled very badly by your FDIL/DS, but that's the way it is. Perhaps they will mature socially and handle things less awkwardly in the future, but maybe not. My SM went to the finest finishing schools and still treats us like dirt. Our DIL also treats us rudely and excludes us from everything. We can choose to not engage, to take the high road, to act with grace and dignity....or we can hold on to our hurt and anger and end up looking like needy, whiney, angry people who deserve the treatment we get.

It's frustrating when we suddenly find ourselves having to follow someone's rules. When I married, I didn't lay down such restrictions. I've not been a demanding DIL ever, so this is all new to me as a MIL. But as Scoop says, what are going to do now? How can you move forward? What is your ultimate goal...to continue to see your DS or to be cut off completely? Which hill are you willing to die on?