Uninvited to my sons Wedding

[bdwell1904]

Maryann- No I have been uninvited to everything and told DD wants nothing to do with me EVER!! I was hoping after rational minds prevailed and some much needed rest was gotten, maybe. Not a word from anyone involved in the situation. I spent the first three days of my last off week shopping for flowers and making bouquets, and decor. I took her all the samples, supplies and the things I had completed. I left the rest of the flowers for bouquets to be finished sitting on the pool table. This was before the big kaboom. When I go home tomorrow I will have to decide what to do with all this wedding stuff that she no longer wants. I am actually going to take a day off first if I can stand to look at it. Then again if I know DH he has probably already boxed it all up and put it in the spare room so I won't be upset on my off days. I'll let you know. 

[amflautist]

Where do you live MaryAnn?  Can one of us come and pick you up for lunch or dinner?  You need to have friends with you for this!

[Keys Girl]

bdwell1904 and Mary-Ann, it's more than tough to be "uninvited" to the wedding.  It's a club that doesn't have too many members, but I think that when you get through this, you can get through anything, and having not attended my son's wedding recently, I can tell you that the last couple of weeks I have been as carefree as a butterfly on a buttercup, the month before, not so much.  I've put the even that I wasn't invited to in my rear view mirror and look forward to any other events that I won't attend (but will enjoy the company of others who care about me) look forward to spending my money on items or people without being skillfully or subtly held hostage, and look forward to knowing that other people who choose to spend time with the bride and groom will be picking up the tab or dealing with every little crisis.  Underneath it all is a deep well of sadness but as Steve Jobs put it so well "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.".

This is the Adult Bullying Syndrome carried to extremes.  Going along is just like throwing a fish to a great white shark.....whets the appetite and they come back for more.  I learned that one the hard way, and I need to keep remembering it with other people who try to bully me in life.

This is not about "you" and what you did or didn't do, it not a report card on the kind of mother you were or weren't, if anything if you were a loving and devoted mother, you are more likely to get the sharp end of the stick, because those people believe you will always forgive them and take them back..........this is about "them" and some others of their generation that everyone one else should carry out their "vision" for their wedding day and the rest of their lives.

If you want to break it down, I think it's a type of emotional abuse.  It's deliberate, intended and there will be excuses aplenty about what you did or didn't do to be the cause of not being invited.  Don't believe any of them.  It's their wedding, who shows up or is invited is up to them.  Even Prince William was given permission by his grandmother the Queen to invited his friends first when handed a list of 1500 dignitaries who were to be invited.

They don't get brownie points for excluding their mothers in the report cards with the big guy upstairs, that's for sure.

[Pen]

Keys, once again your post is golden. I can't imagine the pain of not being invited to a C's wedding; going through all we did go through with DS's wedding and marriage has been hard enough. You have put it all into perspective and keep showing us how to get on with it when we find ourselves pushed out the end of the tunnel. Thank you!

[Nana]

I agree with Pen.  Keys...a great post ... Cant imagine the pain of not being invited to my AC wedding.   If you can endure this, you will come out stronger.  How painful....but this too will pass.   Oh God....I believe in divine justice ......I believe life is like being in the supermarket, you can get anything you want...but before living, you have to pay for all. 


May God Bless you all strong wise ladies.

Love

[Pooh]

Great post Keys.

I saw this on one of my friends FB page the other day.  It was an icon, so I couldn't link to it.  I think it is very fitting for all of us here and a mantra we could all remember.

"When Something Bad Happens, You Have Three Choices. You Can Either Let It Define You, Let It Destroy You, Or You Can Let It Strengthen You."

[bdwell1904]

Nana- love the supermarket analogy
Keys- just might print that one to hang it on my mirror

[Mary-Ann]

Keys Girl and bdwell1904 I believe this is a very small club, one that I never thought I would be a member of.  It is not one I want a t-shirt for.   I am thankful that I found this place. I am thankful that I have found you, I want you both as my friend. No one should ever go through this alone.     

I too have things that I purchased for the wedding sitting in a cupboard. I cannot return them. Do I give them to my ds and dil to use as they were intended? I am not sure what I will do with them.     

My youngest ds is home for the wedding. I was so looking forward to being able to spent time with him but even that is clouded by this situation. We are trying to find things to talk about but it is difficult because everything leads back to the wedding.  As I mentioned before my best friend's both ac are standing in the wedding. My boss's daughter is the flower girl. I am surrounded by the wedding. I had next week booked off for the wedding but I have cancelled my holidays. There is no point in me sitting around feeling sorry for myself.   

My dh and I have talked about what we will do on the 15th. Part of me wants to make plans for that day so we are not around. We talked about going to Ottawa to see a concert. I think we are just going to leave the planning until the last minute just in case things change. We also have my sd the day of the wedding. No matter what happens, I will surround myself with people that love me and keep myself busy.   

I live in a small city in Ontario, Canada and lunch would be great with a new friend. 
       

[Scoop]

Mary-Ann - you should take SD to Saunders Farm for the day (weather permitting).  They have these jumping pillows that are SO MUCH FUN (for grown ups and kids alike).  We haven't been at Hallowe'en, so I'm not sure of the level of spookiness.

If you're coming into town, the Museum of Nature has a LOT of interactive exhibits.  I would say it's better than the Museum of Civilization or the Museum of Science & Tech. 

I would offer to have lunch with you, but we're closing the cottage that weekend. 

As for the things you have for the wedding.  What if you texted him and offered to drop them off?  Just like that: "We have XXXX here, do you still want them?  We can drop them off at a neutral location.  No pressure."  No guilt trips, no sucking up (& no eating crow), no pressure.  Maybe it could open the door a crack.  At the very least, you would know that you did everything you could.

[Ruth]

Keys girl thank you for you post that I needed right now more than I can say.  I've already been running in that direction so I'm right with you and accept what you're saying as my daily dose.  thank you .     Hope somebody gets a laugh little story from this I received a couple days ago in an email:!!


HOW TO BE GRACIOUS 

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.  Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,  she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'' A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your hiney is disconnected! Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly ........ on a broomstick.....
We are flexible like that.

[lancaster lady]

Oh Ruth ........lol I love that story !

[Mary-Ann]

Thank you Scoop for the great idea, Saunders Farm is an awesome place at Halloween. Great for the little kids during the day. We were there last year with sd at about this time and she loved it. I know she wouldn't mind going again. Nice to know we are from the same part of the country. Sending them a text is also a good idea..... I will let you know how it goes. 

Love the story Ruth!   

[Keys Girl]

Mary-Ann, I wouldn't send the text.  If you have items that you purchased for the wedding that cannot be returned, I would head on over to the Salvation Army.  I'm sure there is a bride who will walk into that store in the near future and whose heart will leap at whatever you donate.  I wouldn't give them a thing, and I certainly wouldn't give them the choice of whether or not they want to take it.  If things change and you should be invited, and those items are already on their way to someone who hasn't seen a $20 in their pocket for a long time.........well......snooze you lose (for them).  Leaving you to twist in the wind at the 11th hour doesn't deserve a day old ham sandwich in my book, let alone items for their wedding.

I'm not in your neck of the woods, but would do lunch with you if I could, but I hope you'll remember the friends that you have here and keep them in mind when the "going gets tough".

KG

[Nana]

Ruth...
Thanks for sharing.  I got a good laugh..at the bride's mother story. 

Love

[Ruth]

Mary Anne, I remember my DD's wedding day, I can tell you that the 'gods' may be being merciful to you by removing you from that event, don't keep crying, my love.  My lovely DD 'had' to get married when she had just turned 18.  Our little g/s was only a few days old (this was entirely DD's decision, a head decision to give her little son a name and a father rather than single parent) and she told me "Mom, go out and get me a dress."  and I went with tears streaming down my face.  My only daughter, so beautiful and smart and outgoing, she should have been in a cathedral with violins and little girls in white dresses.  But I went to Cato and got her a coat dress, to try and minimize all the baby fat she still had.  We went on to that wedding, but I cannot look back on that day.  It was one of the saddest days of my life, because we both knew it wasn't what she wanted.  That little lad is grown up now and the joy (or one of the two joys, the other is just a couple years behind him) of my life, and his parents have recently divorced, and yes it was very hard on him and all of us.  I loved my SIl like a son, and he was far better to me than a son, but he was from a different world than dd, and we knew it couldn't last.  The price tag was very high to help g/s have a good start on life.  This one had a nice ending many years later after the tears have been dried, but the day was a heartbreak, precious one.  Let it go, there will be others days and the world will turn.  Be gentle with yourself and know that you are indeed loved.