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Uninvited to my sons Wedding

Started by Mary-Ann, September 23, 2011, 08:47:23 AM

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Mary-Ann

I have been uninvited to my sons wedding.

My son and I have had a difficult relationship for the past 15 years. I left his father when he was ten and his brother was five. The way he sees it is that I destroyed his childhood. He doesn't see that I was fifteen when I met his father who was twenty four at the time. He doesn't see that I was sixteen when I got pregnant for him. He doesn't see that I did the best that I could with what I had, and with what I knew. He doesn't see that I love him. I wish he could see how his father was and what life was really like for us. He blames me for his father not being in his life. His father lived a tortured life of addiction, and sadly died two years ago of a drug overdose.     

Here we are present day and my son and I had been getting along pretty well for the past three years. I could always feel the distance between us, and he has always been a little cold towards me, but we were getting along. I was happy he was getting married and he was including me and my c/l husband in the plans. My c/l husband and I offer to pay for a part of the wedding. Everything was going great until I asked if my c/l husbands (my stepdaughter) seven year old daughter could be invited to the church. Not the dinner, and not the reception, just the church. He is having a no kids wedding. Well it's really just the kids they want. There is a flower girl and ring barer. Some can say I should of never asked but I thought we were family, and I didn't think it was too much to have her be included at least just a little bit. Well that one question has brought up fifteen years of hate.

He hates me and wants nothing to do with. I am selfish, fake, and manipulative. I ruined his childhood and he carries around this hate for me that he can take no longer hide... I am in shock. He doesn't want me at his wedding, his doesn't want anything do do with me. He thinks I am trying to ruin his wedding.  We have very little family, his finance however has a huge family and perfect parents. I feel like her whole family look down upon me including her.  Part of me feels like he is embarrassed to have me there. I don't know what to think or what to do. All I know is in three weeks my son will get married, and I can't imagine how I will get through this, or past this, or over this.

   
     

Ruth

Mary Ann, I just read your post and read the pain also, which mirrors my own.  I welcome you here, you will find a lot of help to cope with this sadness in your life, and find a wealth of strategies to both heal the relationship with your son, and get your life on track.  I have a very very similar background as you.  My ds (son) has held animosity toward me since he was very small, (he's now over 30)  but it escalated during the divorce from his father, who made our lives a living hell for over a decade.  My ds told me last Christmas he never wanted to talk with me again.  I thought the planet spun out of control at that moment, and it has take me just until recently to believe that it had resettled on its axis, and that I could go on with a heartbeat.  There are many layers to these situations, and if you will read and read these womens' stories, you will start seeing parallels to your own, and start finding answers.

I read the book by Josh Coleman initially about When Parents Hurt, and it set me free from the guilt and self torture I felt regarding my son.  I learned a lot of the problem was his personality which was structured around blame, entitlement, and self centeredness.  He has made a little contact with me since that time, by email, but I learned that my ceaseless attempts to nurture him and apologize and love him unconditionally exacerbated his mean behavior toward me.  Each child is different, and there's no blanket way of healing a rift, but through this forum you may learn to understand and get to know your own son beyond your feelings that he inspires in you, and you can get enough clarity to explore.  When you are in so much pain, you can't see things clearly.  For now, put him on a shelf, and work on reading and writing until you can begin to make sense of it.    You have done nothing wrong with the wedding request.  This was reasonable and his response is out of context.  There must be other things going on, maybe the marriage is erupting feelings about his family history, I don't know, but it isn't about what you did or said on that occasion. 

As parents, we can't help but damage our children at some time or other.  Life is too unpredictable and spontaneous to make perfect calls all the time, and at the same time most everything is pretty much beyond our control.  When our children have grown up in really troubled families, they just have to mature and learn empathy, to learn what it feels like to be human and make mistakes with the best of intentions.  This just takes time.   And for a while, we often just have to tolerate painful feelings as parents,  It won't kill us, it just feels like it will. 

Finding other sources of love to fill the void of our children goes a long way to getting whole again.  You have much insight to offer others from your life experience.  You can use that here.   God bless you and don't lose hope or feel despair.  Growing pains are a part of life.  Just send your son a sweet card and reaffirm you love him and your heart will be with him on that special day.  Don't bring up any of your own pain or issues with feeling left out.  Keep it brief.

Much love to you.

pam1

Mary-Ann, Welcome :)

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History in the category Open Me First when you get a chance.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.  I think you'll find a lot of support here, glad you found us.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.  Does your son say anything else that is actually a complaint?  Or is it "you ruined my life" 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

luise.volta

My take is that your son was waiting for an opportunity to blow up at you and banish you from his life and that he used your request to support that. I think it was just a matter of time and that there was/is nothing you can do about it. He has his own perceptions and blame is great way to turn them into concrete. You deserve so much better. We all do. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Mary-Ann

Thank you ladies for the love. I am happy I found this place too. I was feeling like an alien. I read the Forum Agreements and Open Me First and understand the rules and purpose for this forum.  I will look for the book you suggested Ruth. I really need to make sense out of all of this.   

My ds has a lot to say but the best way to sum up his position is to say that I never put him first. I never made him feel important. All my decision regarding our life were selfish and self serving.  He wanted to live with his father. The courts decided that he should live with me because his father never showed up in court to fight for him. His father disappeared from the picture by the time he was twelve. My ds thinks I kept his father from him. He say he is emotionally damaged and it is my fault. He has also included in this last blowout that I never accepted his fiancee and that I did not pay attention to her at her bridal shower?? I can't even answer that. I helped pay for some of the food and drinks at the shower. I helped her mother prepare food the day before the shower. I came early to set up, and stayed till everything was cleaned up. He also feels that I am putting my stepdaughter, my c/l husband ahead of him and his feeling. That wasn't my intention, I just want both my families to share in his special day. I tell him I love him, I tell him I am sorry but he doesn't hear it.       

Yes Luise, I feel that way too. Maybe it's easier for him for me to be out of his life than in it.   

BlueEyes

I can empathize with the pain of being on the receiving end of an AC angry outbursts.  My YDD has said some hurtful things and done some things that just seem to come so totally unexpected and out of nowhere.

I am sorry that you have had these experiences and are hurting.  You will get through it even though it feels so ugly right now.

This forum offers so much support and care for all of us.  It is nice to know that we are not in this alone.  Reading other postings and discovering other ways of looking at your own situation is not only helpful but also very insightful.

I read many of the postings and even write down some of the ideas in a notebook that I keep by my computer.  This enables me to process the ideas and think about them as I sleep.  The next morning I seem to have gained some additional insight into my own situation with my YDD.  Things that I had not even considered before reading on this site.

Please know that as mothers of AC we offer as much support as we can muster.  Take care of yourself.  You deserve the absolute best you have to offer yourself. :D

Pooh

Welcome Mary-Ann.  I'm with Luise.  I think although the relationship has been better the last few years, he clearly has not dealt with his anger towards you and this was an opportunity for him to justify being angry.  I really don't see anything wrong with you asking, as long as you were willing to accept that the answer could be no since they made it clear it was a no kids wedding.  I can see where he could have been a little irritated that you asked, but nothing like blowing up and uninviting you unless he was just waiting for an opportunity to be able to do that.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pooh

Quote from: Mary-Ann on September 23, 2011, 11:55:18 AM
He has also included in this last blowout that I never accepted his fiancee and that I did not pay attention to her at her bridal shower?? I can't even answer that. I helped pay for some of the food and drinks at the shower. I helped her mother prepare food the day before the shower. I came early to set up, and stayed till everything was cleaned up.

Now this...could be a perception on their part.  I had the same thing happen to me.  My DIL requested a cook-out for her rehearsal dinner.  Afterwards, she was angry with me and DH because she felt like we avoided her and her family all evening.  DH and I spent all afternoon preparing for it, starting grilling in the middle of their rehearsal (it was a wedding at my parent's home and they were in the front, we were around back and not included in any of the wedding) so it would be ready when they were done and had to grill through most of the dinner.  By the time we were done and running back and forth refilling everything else, people were done and beginning to leave, so then we had to clean everything up.  She had over 50 people there for it, so it was alot of food and we went non-stop for about 6 hours.

My perception was that we gave them a very nice rehearsal dinner and everyone enjoyed it, but no...we didn't get to participate.  Her perception was we were avoiding her and her family.

We have two different perceptions of the event so maybe your DS/FDIL do too since it sounds like you were busy helping?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Smilesback@u

You didn't deserve any of it - the anger, the blame, the rudeness - none of it, Maryann!

lancaster lady

hi Mary-Ann and welcome ...
My son was married 4 weeks ago , and the run up to that date he was a changed person .
My only light here might be the same for your son , and the pressure is getting to him .
Nearer the date , I can only hope that he realises what he has done and welcomes you to the
wedding .
Also the pressure the bridezilla puts on the groom is tremendous , my son practically ran round in
circles , and blew out anyone who got in his way . Totally out of character for him .
Are you still paying for a chunk of it ? I'm sure he'll miss that .

Pooh:
On my Ds's wedding day , I spent the whole day running after my GD , hence I do not appear in hardly
any photos .............plenty of the brides FOO though .
We always seem to get the dirty end of the stick !

Smilesback@u

I'll say, lancaster - dirty deal.  I am getting a Heads Up for sure.  Better to know and not be blindsided.  Sorry for all the pain and suffering when weddings are supposed to be the happiest time for the family. 

Doe

Ok, I know that talking to other family members is not thought highly of in this forum - but I wonder if you could bring in the other mother and ask for her help?  After all, a bigger family is being formed.  You don't have to get into all the details, but you could let her know that you've been uninvited but that you would dearly love to come. (You would, right?)   

Or if there is a pastor, talk to that person?  Whoever is going to officiate?  Surely someone could talk to your son and get him to see the other side.

That's if you really want to go to the wedding.  When DS got married things were very ragged the few months ahead of the event.  I went, but I can't say enjoyed it , though I did put on a good act.   

Mary-Ann

Thank you again ladies for the love and words of wisdom.

Wedding are supposed to be a happy time, and I was really looking forward to it. Yes, my ds is under a lot of stress and my dil to be is being a bit of a bridezila. But I know that I did not deserve this reaction. 

No, I am not paying for any part of the wedding now. At first my dh (I will drop the c/l) and I agreed to pay for the late lunch, wine at dinner, and the rehearsal dinner. My dh also works for a car dealership and offered to get them a luxury car to dive on their wedding. This might sound cold but if I am not good to be there then money is not good enough.

I personally have no issue with children being at a wedding. My ds was the ring barer when I married his father. He was 2 1/2 and he was a hoot. I tried to remind him of that. Weddings are about two people coming together but it is also about two families coming together. It is sad that they did not see it that way.

Not that I care about what people think but I just imagine my ds's wedding day. His father is gone and his mother is not there. My dil to be family will think what kind of mother could I of been to have her son not want her at his wedding. Simple Man was the song we picked as the mother and son dance. My youngest ds is my ds"s best man. I will miss so much.

Thank you Doe, A couple of good friends suggested that as well. I am torn on what I should do. I want to be at my ds wedding but I want my ds to want me there. I am afraid that I will cause even more damage if I ask other people to get involved. He already thinks I am manipulative. My yds does not want to get in the middle of it and he is not picking side. I completely understand and respect that.  I honestly don't know what to do. 

Thank you for giving me a place to let out my sadness. 

Doe

Hmm.

I think that if other people who knew him got involved, it would give him the opportunity to change his mind.  If the family story is going to be "DS refused to let Mom come to the wedding" he's going to look like a childish creep to everyone.
     
FWIW, my son got mad at us before his wedding and said he didn't want the financial help we had offered (rehearsal dinner, grooms tuxes, some h'moon help) and stormed away.  Weeks later, when DIL found out she made him come back and eat crow (his words) and apologize and get the money! 

I think truth deserves some sunlight - and then you can see the faults that can be corrected.

Begonia

MA:  My heart aches for you.  For now just let things be and the path will be clearer.  You are not deserving of this...try not to take it all on your shoulders.  Hold your head high.  So often on these forums you will read the same story, that for whatever reason our AC just rage against us out of the blue, leaving us bereft and stunned. 

I had a similar history.  And I had a lot of problems because of stepchildren.  No easy road. 

You have three weeks yet.  Step back, deep breathe.  It hurts a lot but things can change overnight like so many WW here say.  What you can do is be good to yourself.  What would make you happy?  Perhaps by getting together some of his childhood photos into a book for him as a wedding gift.  Do something positive.  Your mood is not dependent on his.  Regardless of how many weddings he has (just kidding about this) he will still only have one mother.  Hugs and strength going out to you....keep posting!!

Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)