To Cook Turkey or Eat Crow that is the question

[pam1]

Smiles, I was thinking about this thread again last night and also with Scoop's last comment, I think she has a point.  I look forward to Tgiving with my FOO b/c of my gramma's mashed potatoes, no one can make them like her!  There is no recipe. 

And it got me thinking that perhaps your DS not only wants Momma's cooking (which I think is a huge compliment) but may be eager to share the experience with his DW.  I know I was excited the first time my Gramma cooked for DH and I, I wanted to show him.  And he loves making his family recipes for me.  I think it is a bonding experience for everyone.

Not saying that you have to cook or anything, but really, I think it is quite a compliment that they want you too.

[Smilesback@u]

Bee and herbalescape - thank you again for your sympatico.  It is my feeling that I am *waiting* on family too much.  When I visit, if I don't cook, then I know I have to fend for myself from experience cuz no one is cooking or paying for my food.  Like it or lump it, it is what it is until it isn't like that anymore, right? 
   
We will spend TXG week with DS/DIL/GC.  They will fly to CA to spend Christmas with DIL family and also see my aging parent.  We are invited to see them in CA if at all possible.  I have half-a-mind to do it too.                   

Scoop and Pam - Sure *nothing says loving like cooking from the oven and Momma does it best*  That's a compliment I will accept at face value and keep separate from the *Other Issue* which is that when I visit, if I don't want to cook, well, then I don't have to cook, I just can't expect anyone is going to cook for me.  I guess that is how it is until it isn't anymore.   

Learning to live and let live. 

[Pen]

Smiles, I hope it all works out and you can relax and enjoy your family. Maybe cook DS's fave and order the rest? I think paying for airfare & lodging is more than enough.

[Smilesback@u]

Thanks Pen I heart you, thanks.  Also, I do love DS/DIL/GC and I am learning truly that love is a powerful healer.  Sending you love right back

[Pooh]

Or Begonia, hit them back with "Awww Thank you!  And you guys do the best at dishwashing and cleaning everything up, so this will work out great!"   

[Doe]

LOL!

[Ruth]

You know being mothers, we can hear a comment from kid and always make it walk on all fours.  It is likely that ds had a sentimental moment and it flew right out of his head 5 min later Smiles.  Do what you want, whatever you do is loving and appropriate, knowing you as I do (!) so I think you should just enjoy your day and as your kids see you happy, that will make them happy. 

[pam1]

You know being mothers, we can hear a comment from kid and always make it walk on all fours. It is likely that ds had a sentimental moment and it flew right out of his head 5 min later Smiles.  Do what you want, whatever you do is loving and appropriate, knowing you as I do (!) so I think you should just enjoy your day and as your kids see you happy, that will make them happy.

Haha! I've never heard of that saying before, funny!  Did you make that up?

[Sassy]

You know being mothers, we can hear a comment from kid and always make it walk on all fours.  It is likely that ds had a sentimental moment and it flew right out of his head 5 min later Smiles.  Do what you want, whatever you do is loving and appropriate, knowing you as I do (!) so I think you should just enjoy your day and as your kids see you happy, that will make them happy.

Pam your highlight of what Ruth said brought it to my attention.   Ruth this is so wise!   I can use a dash of this right now.  Let myself feel the happiness and let it beget more happiness.

[Ruth]

well there are just all kinds of women on my various family trees, most of them eccentric but lovable, there are cookers and non cookers, church ladies and stinkers.

We should try to not cookie cut ourselves into ideals the way we do.  I have some of the most flamboyant female clientele older ladies, I do wish I could write a book about them all.  Once I thought I'd do that and call it Southern Portraits, no energy for it any more. ... But the point is, the self confident women who are fine with who they are, are loved and enjoyed by their families for the most part.  How unfortunate that so many of us had to lose the luxury of feeling comfortable in our own skin due to bad choices which penned us with that scarlet letter.   

That's when I became a paper doll, I remember at some point making the decision that I had to become someone else, because the woman I was was unacceptable.  ....I walk the path I have to, and I do it without crying in my beer, but I would like to know when and why it became right that a grueling childhood excused one from being accountable for any and all decisions made at the age of adulthood and/or accountability?  My own foo was a dangerous and undesirable place to be born, but it never presented to me a reason that justified poor decisions in adulthood, nor did it lessen the core primal appreciation for at least being given a chance at life.  I don't know how I wandered off into all that??? I'm sorry turkey/smiles.   I have the flu and seem to be wandering in and out of lucidity

[elizabeth]

My goodness how things have changed since I was doing all the cooking when inlaws and parents came to visit me 35 to 40 years ago. I wouldn't have thought for a minute that any one of them should take us out for dinner or cook for themselves!

I really hope your THanksgiving is good and you have a nice time.

I recall when my DD wouldn't come to my apartment when she was a young mom. She had always so many excuses. So on THanksgiving I brought the turkey and all the fixings and cooked at her place. She said she missed the special dishes that I had always made, and that made me feel pretty special myself so I enjoyed doing it. Sorry to say it didn't change our relationship, but at least those days, on which she also would invite quite a few friends over as well, were a bit of fun and forgetting our usual tumultuous relationship.

The last time I went to visit her after I moved some 1000 miles away, I bought her the groceries and cooked then too, and I didn't mind doing it since she was working full time and I knew if I didn't cook there wasn't going to be much decent eating going to happen.

She was nice enough to take me out for dinner two times over the week! But so much else happened that week that was just not ok that I've not gone again. I made the mistake of staying with her. If there is another time, I will definately not stay with her unless she thinks of it and invites me to stay there. Even though there was plenty of room and beds I realized later that it was just too close quarters for her with her mom now that she had built a life of her own. I don't know for sure of course,  but she was probably thinking that I wouldn't approve of some of the things that she was doing, which, honestly, even though I didn't say so, it wasn't what I had hoped for her in life.

I'm hoping we all have a good thanksgiving, one that is grateful for healthy children, even if we aren't all together this year!

[Smilesback@u]

Hope you are feeling better soon Ruth and I liked that you are empowered to have a wonderful life, despite your FOO issues.  Maybe my DS had that lovely thought of how neat it was when he was a kid to have Mom cooking meals and wanted me to hear that.  I will try to be more open to accepting compliments without thinking they are meant to manipulate me to cook or something.   

Elizabeth - you and I are probably cut from the same cloth, very practical when it comes to holidays.  If they can't come to you, you can bring yourself to them.  I understand *too close quarters* in many ways for whether to stay together over holidays and I appreciate your waiting for DD's invitation to do that.  How will you celebrate THG this year I wonder?       

BTW, I am one with deep FOO issues that I got counseling for after a friend suggested it to me.  I honor WWU members who post and seek help as well as those who post and offer help.  It is a risk of some kind when you say how it is for you, and see yourself through others eyes.  You may get new thoughts that cause you to change and that takes effort.  So thank you all on everyone's part, I appreciate your input on my THG issue.  The focus I gained here on being a GP and MIL will help me over the holidays.

And I have decided to be a little helper with THG dinner if asked, and respect how they do the dinner and everything by keeping my opinions to myself, being cheerful and willing to help in some minor way.  I am sure they will appreciate whatever I do to help because I will have flown across country, paid for my own lodging, babysat for their 2 night getaway and then not got underfoot when we are all together.  What else says loving than to honor that I am a guest in their home, and not in charge? 

Thanks for giving me your insights to help me find my way.  Love to you all, peace.   

[Begonia]

This is such an enlightening thread! 

Just yesterday my DD posted on my FB wall that she appreciated my tomato soup recipe and she shooed her DH out of the kitchen to make it herself for her family on Saturday. 

The wheel of life is turning and we hang on and let go at the same time.  I know that the memories she has of me cooking in the kitchen for our family are dear ones.  As they are for me.  But things change. 

A few years ago I made recipe books for both my DD and DS that include all the favorites from me, my mom and grandmom--even photocopies of the recipe cards that all of us had written for things--like choc chip cookies etc.  Both DD and DS remark on "I made this....."

I know that DD and DS wish we could go back to those days, before they left for college and life became complicated.  I protected them so much.  I never wanted them to have unhappiness and I know they felt the same for me.  So the problem might be that we all want that dream back, devoid of all the bad things we have now forgotten.

Thinking of this now, after reading all these posts, I think women are made strong because we have to be the ones to let go--it is inevitable that time moves on...that my DD and DS will have their own recipes and their children will equate those recipes with their own sense of home and happiness.  Personally, it is a bit difficult to be a guest at a holiday and not the one doing all the nurturing through food, even though I don't want to do that anymore, if that makes sense.   

I think this is why there is a sadness at holiday time...things are never the same as the year before.  And I am heartened by my DD post to let me know that even if I was not there to be with them they were still "saving a place for me" by making one of my recipes.  That was very special for me to know---such a wonderful gift. 

Baby steps...I am learning that letting go does not mean being forgotten.  I do not have to remind my DD or DS to remember me; if I just am patient enough they will show me that their path is different but still special. Every day I let go of a bit more anxiety. 

As always, thank you WW for your big hearts and acceptance of all our different stories.   

[Smilesback@u]

Oh Bee, nicely said, warm feelings, love the acceptance and attitude that all is not lost.  Love you for this vision of how it was, how it is and how it goes on to the parents from their children.  Thank you for showing up here and for me, I heart you lots.   

[Rose799]

Very nice post, Begonia...thanks for sharing.