To Cook Turkey or Eat Crow that is the question

[Smilesback@u]

I personally have a dilemma for this Thanksgiving and would appreciate your ideas.  Am I being a #1 beachhead?  Should I just fix the dinner and enjoy doing that if I want, or don't fix the dinner and be willing to help where I am needed?  We will visit DS/DIL and 2 GC like we did in the summer - staying at a B&B around the corner from them for a couple nights, and then we will watch GC for 2 nights so DS and DIL can have a get away; and then we will stay a couple more nights at the B&B after they get back.  They live in a 3bdm apartment and offered us the living room pull out.  There is no privacy and no way to avoid being woken up by the GC.  So we choose to stay at the B&B.  (BTW I suggested they take 4 nights get- away but they are not *ready* to go that long. Yes, these are the same family members i wrote about before who demanded they would not visit us unless we would watch the GC for a week so they could have a vacation.  A little bit unpredictable.  But that's fine, vacations away from your own kids sound good, but they are not that easy to do when the kids are young.  You have to be willing to *let go*.)  Well, here is the thing.  They will be back sometime Wed and another DS flies in that day for our family Thanksgiving together.  I asked DS what they plan to do for Thanksgiving dinner.  DS said since we are getting the family together he wanted to have a turkey dinner.  I suggested they make it easy on themselves for Thanksgiving and pick up the complete dinner from Safeway or someplace.  DS got huffy and said if I don't want to help with fixing dinner that's fine.  I said he is jumping to conclusions and I would be happy to help with salad and dessert.  My prediction is that DS and DIL will be asking me to do this or that and I will not be able to refuse.  I have to be a good guest after all.  But if I am not cooking the whole meal, I would rather not do anything.  I am happy to fix a salad and dessert, set the table, clear the table. I don't want to do the dishes - I have done my share thanks.  What is the matter with me in my old age?  Am I acting like the Queen Bee and have to have things my way now?  I am sorry that I have conflicting feelings like this and actually feel guilty and a bit embarrassed that I feel this way.  I understand how I feel and why I feel this way because there is history here between us.  History has it, that DIL does not prepare any meal for us whenever we visit.  She has her reasons too (being pregnant, being from another country, breastfeeding, having two little ones, not expected to entertain her DH family, a lot of hogwash IMO)  and now I have my reasons for not wanting to cook.  Nice power struggle I think I have got myself into and I want it to stop, and I cannot seem to get myself over the hump and let it go.  How do I get out of fixing dinner -- I thought buying it at Safeway was a good idea.  I really do want to  cook because I do not want to get so involved with the meal that I end up doing more than my fair share?  I would like to sit back with the GC, read, color with them, watch TV, go out for a walk anything other than pull the dinner together.  I don't want to fix it because I think I am allowing DS/DIL to think it is okay to not fix a meal for us.  By not fixing meals for us, we eat out more and that $$$$.  And we have gone the route of take-out (and we still $$$$) plus there is no settling down at the table together like a family.  No sit down meals in the past.  The 2 and 4 year olds get fed separately by one parent, while the other parent eats, and then they switch.  And then they tell us we can eat.  It is very awkward.  So DH and I plan now to eat meals out just the 2 of us when we visit - we don't feel hurt by no one fixing us a meal that way.  We eat out and do not spend too much.  We agreed to take the whole family out to eat for one big special dinner and that is what we did last visit.  Nothing has really changed since the last time we visited this summer, from our point of view.  Usually when we are with family I fix the Thanksgiving dinners and have plenty of help - and I have no complaints.   But this time, I have conflicting feelings.  DIL does not ever cook a meal for us...and that gets stuck in my *caw*.   God being a MIL is not a fun role at all.     

[Doe]

My think on this:

You are the guest so you shouldn't be expected to cook.  So just don't expect to cook.  Let them figure it all out.

(Spoken by one who hasn't cooked T'giving for years.  We normally go out if we feel like a big deal meal.)

[alohomora]

Ok. I'm going to try to say this as politely as possible in line with the rules of this forum.

OP, reading your post all I can do is put myself in your DIL shoes.

It is not her job to entertain/feed/cook for you when you visit. It is your sons.

There are a few lines you wrote that conflict with each other in terms of what your expectations are but I think this one sums it up. "But if I am not cooking the whole meal, I would rather not do anything."

You cannot expect to create rules in a home that is not your own. You are a guest in your DIL and sons house. And your DIL has two young children. She also has IL's staying with her. It sounds like she is stressed out and could use some help. If you do not want to cook fine, but do not expect to be cooked for either.

"I would like to sit back with the GC, read, color with them, watch TV, go out for a walk anything other than pull the dinner together. "

That really isn't fair. If my MIL showed up for a major holiday, didn't lift a finger and enjoyed my kids while I, already stressed out, slaved away cooking for my husbands family and didn't get to enjoy myself at all? That wouldn't fly. And my husband wouldn't dream of putting me in that position. He would do the cooking, handle the IL's and let me escape for some much needed R&R.

That being said, I am a very gracious host to my IL's when they visit, as they are to me when I go visit. So I can't identify much with your situation.

It is good you are here discussing your feelings.

[Doe]

And for me, I would never expect a guest to do my housework and cook for me.    Maybe you should clarify what your son's house rules are as far as guests go?  Do they put all their guests to work?

[pam1]

I think when you're a guest in someone elses house you should follow their rules.  If you know what they are upfront, then you can decline or decide to go.  So I tend to think knowing that they expect you to help out with the meal is something you need to decide if it is worth it enough for you to go.

Personally, I grew up with (and still host this way) is that I do all the cooking and cleaning.  If someone pitches is or asks what they can do I'll take the help.

And I know having mismatched expectations can be very frustrating. My MIL has never hosted a meal on her own, she gives us recipes and things she wants us to make that are often both time consuming and expensive.  And for her party.  I know that for some families this is normal but for me, it makes me grit my teeth.

So knowing that I am the one who has an issue with it, I only go when I'm ok with making whatever it is she wants.

[Ruth]

I do support you in this Smiles.  This isn't your father's oldsmobile anymore.  I have the same situation with the 'chaotic holiday dinners' which you described....labor intensive, expensive meals lovingly prepared that are eaten helter skepter.  I'd just not do it any more.  I'm not.  I think you're worrying too much about it.  I've already posted on here that I'm spending both holidays with my elderly mother, and sisters. Already told dd that, she said great, she and the boys would go also.   No family dinners.  The children can do what they want.  I can't handle that chaos any more.  But I will also say this, if my MIL were invited for dinner (and this had been the case more than once) I would not expect her to do a thing in the world except enjoy her visit and relax.  It always gave me a great deal of pleasure to entertain that way, and I knew she really appreciated it.   My rule is:   if the meal means a great deal to someone, then its worth the trouble.  If its just a meal, make it easy.  We are all aging in my family, and none of us feels like all that cooking and cleaning any more.  Let the kids do what they want, if he wants turkey, tell him you want the drumstick!   Don't take a guilt trip.  No offers to cook, clean or play the harmonica.  You should get the place of honor.  That's just my take on it.

[Smilesback@u]

Yes, Ruth - your support is very appreciated.  It is just what I needed to hear.  WHEW!  Now I feel I can get on with living.  AMEN! 

[Scoop]

Okay, I don't get this.  Do they just buy a bird and 'hope' you'll cook it?  Do they plan a meal and buy ingredients and then say "here you go, there's the bird, that's the oven, see you later"?

Smiles, there has to be a way for you to get out of cooking the whole meal AND not offend.  So, say supper is at 5 pm, and the bird has to be in the oven by 11-ish, with the stuffing made by 10-ish.  So YOU should be at the park with the GK's all morning.  Or in the shower, or ANYWHERE else.

When supper's almost ready, you should offer to help out, because that would be kind.   Set the table, make the salad, whatever you WANT to do.  After supper, offer to clean the carcass and start some soup for the next day.  Bustle around tidying, but DON'T take position at the sink.  Grab a dish towel and offer to dry.  Blame painful dry skin on your hands, even if they have gloves for you, the water still needs to be too hot to cut the turkey grease.

I have to say the image I have is of them being hesitant, or even inept and you stepping in to do things "the right way".  Or, even, them being willing to let the dishes sit in the sink for a while, and you taking the initiative and just washing them already.  I think you're going to have to step back and act clueless.  Let them figure it out.  If they ask your advice, either give it to them VERBALLY, or else tell them that they should google it because the rules are always changing.

Good luck.

[Smilesback@u]

Wow Scoop you got me - right here, my anxiety is in-between the lines.  And I will keep re-reading your post because it is familiar and you show me the way.  You paint a scenario that I have been in before, the *I don't know how to make mac and cheese and would I show DIL how*, and the *letting the dirty dishes sit in the sink up to the next meal and me stepping it up to clean them.*  So I am trying to get a different role.  I would really like to be able to step back and let them figure it out.  I can see myself sleeping in on turkey day, and going out to breakfast with DH.  And then calling to ask when they would like us to come over to take GC to the park.  We can take GC out to lunch and that is the morning and afternoon.   Then offering to help, set the table, make the salad sounds right to me.  And then afterwards, offering to dry - thanks for the imagery and words Scoop.  Google it to be sure cuz the rules are always changing. 

I think we can get through this dinner.  I just needed to have it spelled out for me, cuz sometimes it is not an act -- I am clueless.  And then later, I am like, hey, did I just get manipulated?  Thanks! 

[Sassy]

They will be back sometime Wed and another DS flies in that day for our family Thanksgiving together. I asked DS what they plan to do for Thanksgiving dinner.  DS said since we are getting the family together he wanted to have a turkey dinner.  I suggested they make it easy on themselves for Thanksgiving and pick up the complete dinner from Safeway or someplace.  DS got huffy and said if I don't want to help with fixing dinner that's fine.

My suggestion for next time is, don't ask!  Someone invites you to a family Thanksgiving, say thank you.  A few weeks out, ask if they'd like you to bring a pie (or a salad, or wine) to their dinner. 

I mention I'm going to on a trip, and someone asks me how I'm getting to the airport.  In my mind, why would they ask unless they're going to offer to drive me.

[Sassy]

History has it, that DIL does not prepare any meal for us whenever we visit.  She has her reasons too (being pregnant, being from another country, breastfeeding, having two little ones, not expected to entertain her DH family, a lot of hogwash IMO)  and now I have my reasons for not wanting to cook.

What I'm wondering, is what are DS's reasons for him not scaring up some macaroni and cheese, salad and rolls?

[Doe]

Oh, I just saw this with Sassy's quote:

"DS got huffy and said if I don't want to help with fixing dinner that's fine. "

So it's ok with DS!

If you're going to be clueless about cooking, try being clueless about his moods!  Just take his words!

[Pooh]

Forgive me Smiles if I missed this somewhere but exactly how did this all come about?  Meaning, did DIL/DS call you and invite you to come for Thanksgiving?  Or did you guys plan a trip to see them that coincided with Thanksgiving?

The reason I am asking is if I am invited to someone's house for Thanksgiving, then I would expect to pitch in and help where needed (I offer that anywhere I get invited) but I wouldn't be expecting to cook the meal.  If I invited myself and was asking what we were doing for the Thanksgiving, then I would would be willing to do more if not all of it if it was my idea.

[Smilesback@u]

Roroh -- on several accounts.  I planned the visit with DS for Thanksgiving because they could not take time off from work in December to visit (supposedly - sorry, I do have doubts now).  We could take time off from work for the whole Thanksgiving week to fly back east.  (I don't want to fly across country at Christmas due to snowstorms possibly stranding us en route).  Also, by visiting them when they could take time off from work besides getting to spend more time with them, it made it possible for us to watch the GC overnight so they could get away together (which they have been *asking* us to do for them).  It was agreed upon.  Then we paid airfare for one son to come see them at Thanksgiving too - so we could see him a couple days with all of us together and he could stay and visit a couple days after we leave too. 

The other account of cooking Thanksgiving Day - I was willing to do all the cooking if they were on their get-away, otherwise, when they get back they could do it.  I didn't realize until now that I caused the problem by opening my big fat mouth.  Talk about clueless...so there's the problem -- it is me, again.

I think I have this licked though without blaming them.  Sure it would be extra specially nice to have DS cook up something.  What is his point to not cook?  I think it is between him and his DW -- about who entertains us.  Not that I want to make trouble for them at all.  I will offer help of course, and specifically offer to do what I wholeheartedly want to do - make a salad, a dessert, watch GC, dry dishes and be clueless with the rest of the stuff for the rest of the time.  Good thing I have WW help me think this through.  Sorry for taking up so much time with it...I appreciate you all, and I am learning how to take a different perspective and be a good MIL.  Thanks,

[Doe]

Topics like this are such a good exercise in judgement and a good opportunity to see other points of view.  Thanks for bringing it up!