September 18, 2019, 08:03:20 pm

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


I think I blew it

Started by Pen, January 10, 2010, 10:21:37 am

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Pen

As DS & DIL were leaving last evening I said something to DS along the lines of "I wish we could do cool things with you, too." You see, they spend most of their time with wealthy DIL's family. Some of the things they do are big trips that we couldn't afford to take them on, so I don't resent that. What I do resent is missing out on the activities that used to be OUR thing and have now become THEIR thing (they had not gone to these events until DS encouraged them.) DH & I have continued to go to these events as usual, where now we are shunned by DIL & her family. Last night DS & DIL were sharing photos of a recent trip; I was fine until some photos of a few of these other events came up (where we had been shunned) and I suddenly felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. For some unknown reason I felt like I had to say something, and chose a really stupid time/place. I'm afraid I've lost whatever strides this fragile relationship w/DIL has made in the last month, all over being reminded of a deep hurt. I don't know what to do. I really miss our son; I have an ache that will not subside.  Even when we are able to get together it's on a shallow, almost fake level. We used to have great discussions and share activities we loved. Now DIL's family gets the big fun and we get the leftovers. When I don't say anything I feel bad; when I do say something I feel like I'm not supposed to be feeling the way I do - but I can't help it. A part of me has been torn away. How can I fix this?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

What I would do...

I would apologize if I said something that may have been taken as a punch, and tell DS and DIL together that you love them and miss having those special times with them.  Remember your feelings are valid and from time to time you may slip, expecially when you feel left out of the fold.

Ask them if there is anything you can do to enjoy some special times and make some memories with them as well, because you do love them and miss them dearly.  Let them respond and accept what they tell you.  Bite your tongue if you need to, and don't respond right away.   Go into your "thinking corner" after they leave and let out any feelings you have to the walls, the husband, and especially this site.  After you feel calm, go back and talk again.  Make some plans (at least try to make some)...

You will get some good advice here, and I've found this place has a calming effect on my own frustrations.

The main thing - take it easy on yourself.  Anyone would feel left out in your place.  Allow yourself to make some mistakes, and be prepared to accept their reactions when you do.  I hope this helps.



cremebrulee


I totally agree with coco
your feelings are valid...and unfortunately, the husband goes where the wife wants to be...doesn't necessarily mean, he wants to be there...in as much as it keeps peace for him...


2chickiebaby

Penstamen, I sure have been there...with the swift kick in the gut.  It just hurts so much to be left out when all was great for so many years.  I don't know if I have good advice but just know that it's impossible for us to be perfect.  None of us are perfect and when we're hurt, we can't help what we might say...especially when we have nothing but leftovers.

I know how stiff and uncomfortable it is around them.  We're damned if we do and damned if we don't.  It's not possible to live like this!!  Something has to give.

Don't be hard on yourself and just try again...they'll be back!

justus

I don't think you blew it, totally. You could have chosen a better time to broach the subject and reading between the lines, it sounds like you came across as feeling sorry for yourself. IMHO, that is the worst of it, the coming across as "poor me". Nothing is less attractive. Would you want to spend time with someone who came across like that?

I understand how you feel, I am not saying that you shouldn't feel that way. The measure of a person is what they do with those feelings. You can choose to indulge in those feelings or you can find another perspective. My advice is to indulge yourself, privately let yourself feel the pain, the anger, the abandonment and then to forgive and let go of those emotions. Otherwise you let them rule your life, you become even more needy and pathetic which makes you less attractive as a companion which makes it less likely that they will WANT to voluntarily spend time with you.

My M felt left out when I married my H. In my opinion, the fact that I would rather spend more time with my H and that it was important that she not be the center of our world every weekend so that we could become a couple and blend our family was a no brainer. Instead of understanding and giving us space, she felt sorry for herself, became pathetic, used other family members as flying monkeys, guilted us, tried to manipulate us, tried to break us up. All this did for her was to get her cut off. I understood her feelings of being left out and I talked to her about it and asked her to give us space and I did arrange to spend time with her. Nothing was ever enough. She was more concerned with her feelings than with negotiating a new relationship with me and creating a good one with her new SIL.

So please don't make the mistake my M made, get those feelings out, let them go and forgive. Don't let these bad feelings stand between you and your DS and SIL. Until you forgive, there will always be that undercurrent when you spend time with them and who wants to spend time with someone with something like that in the background? You can either be the bitter woman staying home and washing her hair on Saturday nights because no one can stand to be around her, or you can let it and become someone who they WANT to spend time with. It is a matter of forgiveness.

I don't think you made that big of a mistake on the surface, I just think you need to deal with these feelings and move on. You let them know how you feel, there is nothing you can do about it now but let it go and proactively deal with those feelings as they come up. You are the only one you have any control over in this situation.

justus

Quote from: cremebrulee on January 10, 2010, 11:34:47 am

I totally agree with coco
your feelings are valid...and unfortunately, the husband goes where the wife wants to be...doesn't necessarily mean, he wants to be there...in as much as it keeps peace for him...


If only this were true DH and I would be doing many things I want to do but he doesn't

cremebrulee

Just us....yanno, to me, that would be a healthy relationship...and there are some men who are able to stand on they're own two feet, but in my son's case...do y ou know, in the past 12 years he does nothing for him....
once, when he had asked me what was wrong, I told him..."Your wife has not one idea about the feelings of others or what they might want to do".  It's all about her, where she wants to go, when she wants to go, and never considers anyone else...."  He replied, "Yes, your right".

If the wife doesn't want to visit her MIL, maybe, the son will come on his own, but the visit is short, b/c he must get back to her...she calls all the shots and the reason I know this is...I've literally seen my son give up all that was him...his hobbies, everything, even friends, and, how much can you do, when your wife won't work and your working 3 jobs, plus have a family, grocery shopping, a farm, etc.....

justus

Quote from: cremebrulee on January 11, 2010, 09:10:22 am
Just us....yanno, to me, that would be a healthy relationship...and there are some men who are able to stand on they're own two feet, but in my son's case...do y ou know, in the past 12 years he does nothing for him....
once, when he had asked me what was wrong, I told him..."Your wife has not one idea about the feelings of others or what they might want to do".  It's all about her, where she wants to go, when she wants to go, and never considers anyone else...."  He replied, "Yes, your right".

If the wife doesn't want to visit her MIL, maybe, the son will come on his own, but the visit is short, b/c he must get back to her...she calls all the shots and the reason I know this is...I've literally seen my son give up all that was him...his hobbies, everything, even friends, and, how much can you do, when your wife won't work and your working 3 jobs, plus have a family, grocery shopping, a farm, etc.....


That is sad. It always makes me a bit angry to see good people mated with someone who use them like this. But it is his choice to be with someone like her.

isitme?

I'm with justus - this type of situation just seems so sad.  I feel terrible for your son cremebrulee - and for you by extension.  What makes men marry/stay with women like this?  My BF's brother is married to a woman who sounds ALOT like the DILs described here - for a while I just thought, "well, it's because she's like his mother".  But most of you women seem like reasonable, loving, selfless people.  So it's not like your sons married these harpies because they reminded them of YOU.  But there has to be something going on here - why would ANYONE want to be in a relationship with someone who totally controlled them?  I know there are many possible reasons but it just makes me feel so frustrated sometimes when guys just want to bury their heads in the sand about unhealthy behavior (from a wife or a mom or anyone) but then accuse of us of overreacting when we decide not to ignore things and get upset.  it doesn't sound like your son is blind to your DILs faults though if he is agreeing with you.  Hmmm - I guess I just don't understand how people can stay in a relationship when they are so dominated.  I know I certainly couldn't!  :(