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Trying to do better...

Started by liz, January 08, 2010, 01:17:04 PM

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cocobars

Hehehe!  Sassy, too funny! 

I actually never thought doing something like that was a bad thing, until I saw this post.  I guess my DIL is like you.  LOL!  She never minded, and even invited the help!  I'm learning more and more on this site and it makes me appreciate the little things like this that I could be dealing with! I think that's a step, isn't it?

2chickiebaby

I'm learning too...I've made so many mistakes!!  Maybe I was trying to help and it was taken as taking over.   :-[

It's the hardest road to travel because you think you're a teenager, her age and you are over there having a party.  Of course, you're going to help.  If you don't help, though, she will think you're lazy! 

  Oh jeeeeeeeeze!

cocobars

So true chickie!  I was raised to help out when I was invited over!  So many things are taken differently from a MIL.  I never realized.

isitme?

How about from the other side?  Do you expect your DIL to help out in the kitchen when she is at your place?  I was  taught always to offer to help out.  The first few times I went to FMILs place, I helped out and it seemed fine.  Then one morning, I walked into the kitchen and she just pointed at me and then at the dishwasher.  Another time, she brought in a pile of BF's laundry and told me to start folding it while he was just sitting there watching tv.  I started folding, but also got BF to help me do it.  Those times it was just expected because I was the girl, or I was the FDIL, I resented it - especially since I do not have a good relationship with FMIL. 

I can totally see how some of your DILs would interpret you helping out around the her house as a sign that you disapprove of her housekeeping skills.  And if she is insecure she would probably not take that well.  But how do you feel about your DIL helping you out around the house?  Do you expect it?  If she doesn't, do you take it as a sign that she is lazy or ungrateful?  Do you expect your sons to help out around the house as much as your DILs?  I bet there are a lot of different answers to these questions but I'd like to get your thoughts...

cremebrulee

yes, your both right, it is a huge intrusion on them...but another thing, we're, you and me and a lot of human beings, are so caught up in our own little words, we forget to listen, I mean really listen to people when they say no...unless they come out, hit us with a 2 x 4 while saying NO!  It's true, and I bet you couldn't count how many times someone has said no to you and you went ahead and done the very thing they didn't want you to do, b/c you refused to identify with they're wants and needs....you and me, mind you, I'm using you in general....LOL

anyway, we need to learn, if someone says no, then to listen...

for instance, a woman walked into my bosses office the other day...she tells him they are starting up an organization for work, outside of work and he needs to come, he said to her, "Well, I really don't think I'd be interested in coming", she answers, "Oh yes, do come, you'll have a great time", and I believe he said that 4 times, but she refussed to hear him and ended the conversation by saying..."well, you have to come to the first one anyway, to evaluate and give feedback"....??????

Ladies , 4 times?  and she still didn't have a clue?????

needless to say, as she was leaving his office, I said to myself....man oh man, I sure am glad she is not MY MIL!!!!  LOL  and I honestly felt sorry for her husband and children....

So, be aware when someone is trying to tell you no, but in a round about way like, "well, I really don't think" or "I'm not really interested" or, No, I think I can get it...but thank you...don't go ahead and do your thing anyway, respect your DIL's wishes or anyone else for that matter, your in they're home, not yours....it's they're home and your son's home...and just b/c he's your son, doesn't give us MIL's any right to do more then we're asked to do...remember that...it's they're home and respect it to be so....

and I say that with all endearing love and warmth....so please don't hate me....cuz I can be pretty cut and dry....and I apologize for being so....

Hugs
Creme

cocobars

Quote from: isitme? on January 13, 2010, 06:30:46 AM
How about from the other side?  Do you expect your DIL to help out in the kitchen when she is at your place?  I was  taught always to offer to help out.  The first few times I went to FMILs place, I helped out and it seemed fine.  Then one morning, I walked into the kitchen and she just pointed at me and then at the dishwasher.  Another time, she brought in a pile of BF's laundry and told me to start folding it while he was just sitting there watching tv.  I started folding, but also got BF to help me do it.  Those times it was just expected because I was the girl, or I was the FDIL, I resented it - especially since I do not have a good relationship with FMIL. 

I can totally see how some of your DILs would interpret you helping out around the her house as a sign that you disapprove of her housekeeping skills.  And if she is insecure she would probably not take that well.  But how do you feel about your DIL helping you out around the house?  Do you expect it?  If she doesn't, do you take it as a sign that she is lazy or ungrateful?  Do you expect your sons to help out around the house as much as your DILs?  I bet there are a lot of different answers to these questions but I'd like to get your thoughts...

I'm sorry to hear your FMIL does things like that.  My DIL has come over and helped out with clean up and dishes here.  I have thanked her for the help, because that creates more time for me (and her) to both go sit down with everyone else.

Sassy - I don't know what to say...

2chickiebaby

Isime......'It is her' in many, many ways I've come to believe.  Pointed at the dishwasher?  Then to the clothes to fold?   Very rude.  Pretty disgusting behavior.

cocobars

I'm sorry isitme,  I was just replying to sassy in another post.  My last post here was to you.  I got your name wrong on  that.

cremebrulee

Quote from: isitme? on January 13, 2010, 06:30:46 AM
How about from the other side?  Do you expect your DIL to help out in the kitchen when she is at your place?  I was  taught always to offer to help out.  The first few times I went to FMILs place, I helped out and it seemed fine.  Then one morning, I walked into the kitchen and she just pointed at me and then at the dishwasher.  Another time, she brought in a pile of BF's laundry and told me to start folding it while he was just sitting there watching tv.  I started folding, but also got BF to help me do it.  Those times it was just expected because I was the girl, or I was the FDIL, I resented it - especially since I do not have a good relationship with FMIL. 

I can totally see how some of your DILs would interpret you helping out around the her house as a sign that you disapprove of her housekeeping skills.  And if she is insecure she would probably not take that well.  But how do you feel about your DIL helping you out around the house?  Do you expect it?  If she doesn't, do you take it as a sign that she is lazy or ungrateful?  Do you expect your sons to help out around the house as much as your DILs?  I bet there are a lot of different answers to these questions but I'd like to get your thoughts...

If my son and DIL came to visit, I wouldn't expect them to do anything...they are guests....if they went ahead and did something, I wouldn't get angry, I'd understand...but then, I'm older, things don't flick me off as much as they did when I was younger....but, if I were a guest in anyone's home, and I asked them if I could help and they said no, I say, "Well you had your chance", and we laugh it off....

But and here is another suggestion...if your having your inlaws over for dinner, and your MIL asks if she can help with anything, what you could do is say..."well, I think everything's under control", but why don't you come out in the kitchen and keep me company while I'm preparing, and then pick a subject that you know she would like to talk about (espeically herself) as everyone loves to talk about themselves....ask her something to get her talking, for advice or a recipe or anything, that you know sparks her interest...it might work?  DIL's have to learn to listen as well....

Treat your Inlaws as you treated your BF's when you first started dating....always with respect and understanding....
(and if anyone ruffles my feathers, they get a what for very politely but sternly) LOL

Bullies do not respect someone who allows them to bully them...so, be yourself...listen for the no's and the yes's and ask questions, get your inlaws to talk about themselves....

Just my 2 cents..... ;)

2chickiebaby

I'm a people pleaser, Creme....and all of you.  I am so afraid of anger and confrontation that it is a serious problem.  Oddly, though, I am self-confident probably because people like me.  They probably like me because I'm a people pleaser.  Why can't I learn?

No matter what the DILs do, it's okay.  I just allow it. I wish I could tell someone off.  I just can't. 

cremebrulee

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 06:52:55 AM
I'm a people pleaser, Creme....and all of you.  I am so afraid of anger and confrontation that it is a serious problem.  Oddly, though, I am self-confident probably because people like me.  They probably like me because I'm a people pleaser.  Why can't I learn?

No matter what the DILs do, it's okay.  I just allow it. I wish I could tell someone off.  I just can't.

you have me smiling...yes, I know...your a sweetie....

I don't tell people off to much, they really have to push me, but I will protect my territory when need be....usually all it takes is a look...LOL
I can give you a Clint Eastwood looks that says, "Go ahead, make my day".  LOL

isitme?

Quote from: cremebrulee on January 13, 2010, 06:46:20 AM
But and here is another suggestion...if your having your inlaws over for dinner, and your MIL asks if she can help with anything, what you could do is say..."well, I think everything's under control", but why don't you come out in the kitchen and keep me company while I'm preparing, and then pick a subject that you know she would like to talk about (espeically herself) as everyone loves to talk about themselves....ask her something to get her talking, for advice or a recipe or anything, that you know sparks her interest...it might work?  DIL's have to learn to listen as well....

Well, I've done my best in the past - have never had to deal with her in my own home so I don't know how that would go.  I'm really used to hanging out in the kitchen and helping out in lots of situations .  But the times I"ve done so at MILs house, I've always felt like an outsider/servant.  So I'm not sure how to handle things in the future.  On her own turf, I think I would continue to offer to help and do so.  During the first year, I've tried to engage her in conversation about interests, cooking advice etc. etc.  No real responses.    On my own turf, I'm not sure what I"d do.  I like your idea of telling her "everything is under control" but as for asking her to keep me company?  Well, I guess I"ll burn that bridge when I come to it, but I think what I would suggest is for her to go join her son and any other guests and relax.  I haven't reached that point though - so perhaps when I do, I'll come back with that question.

It sounds to me like most of you MILs really DON'T expect anything from your DIL.  Is it because you are afraid of her reaction if you asked her?  Don't feel comfortable spending time alone with her because you don't know how she might behave (this is where I"m at with FMIL)?  Or do you really just not expect her to help out/offer to help out because she's a guest.  I feel like if I didn't offer to help out - in fact, insist on it, I would be called rude and lazy by my FMIL.  But then again, she's always going to be looking for mean things to say about me.

chickie - thanks for the reassurance.  When I first came on this site, I really was wondering what I had done.  But you and many others have helped me realize that it's not really me at all.  Even with the laundry/dishwasher thing.  I actually didnt' think much of it at the time - but several months later when discussing things with my aunt, I mentioned it and she got REALLY mad about it - which surprised me at the time.  But now that i see things in the larger context of FMILs general behavior, I realize that while I don't mind helping out - and will continue to offer/do so, I do NOT want to be treated like a servant!  This is probably going to be a point of contention with FMIL because that's kind of the role she has played in her life - mother and housewife.  She's never had an MIL of her own but believes that the role of the DIL is as servant to her husband's family.  Again, I don't mind helping out with various domestic functions - I do that with my own family and see my SIL's do the same.  But I'm NOT going to be FMIL's servant!  I hate confrontation too - but I"m going to have to learn to stand up for myself with FMIL to protect myself from her unhealthiness.  I think it's going to be difficult to draw that line between being considerate and being a doormat with her though   >:(   Do you think you have the same problem with your DIL?

2chickiebaby

Yes, yes and triple yes, Isitme (Itisher).  I have that same problem with the DILs. One uses me and the other one doesn't get me.  When I'm alone with DDIL, she is very bossy and would really like to tell me what to do in life. She has done that and I've let her.

When you go to FMILs house the next time, sit on your fanny and do not help. If she asks, do something but not unless she asks.  I realize she is reacting to what her world was like but this is not her world. 

When you make conversation with her, tell her things you are doing and BF is doing and if she makes condescending statements, immediately turn back to talking about your life.

Don't be like me and have it all make you so sad.  I don't know if that's what she's doing but it seems like she's taking great advantage of you and your fear of confrontation.

That's what they do to me!  Double Darn!!  They know I'm on pins and needles and DDIL just uses it to the hilt. Sometimes I don't like women....other times I think they're the greatest.  Women are trouble...big trouble.

isitme?

I wish your DILs woulnd't use your weaknesses against you like this.  I think that's what my FMIL has been trying to do with me but I'm not going to let her.  I"m not going to show her my weaknesses. 

I've heard my BF's SIL get into arguments with FMIL all the time - they are both two peas in a pod.  They get in the kitchen and one starts yelling at the other and the other reacts.  I guess that will have to be an additional dynamic to duck in the future...  :o

If you'r DDIL tries to boss you around, do you think there's a way you could stand up for yourself and tell her to mind her own business?  For me, the best way to deal with that has been to use non-defensive verbal responses.  That eases difficult situations but also has the effect of shutting down communication though - which I"m not sure is always the best thing to do.  But sometimes it might be. 

liz

Quote from: cremebrulee on January 13, 2010, 05:44:41 AM
.I for one, when I cook for guests, they are guests...and, I don't want them in my kitchen, not even to clear the table or help with  anything...I want to give them a night off and weight on them...this is they're evening....if I need help, I'll ask for it...and I personally hate it, when someone walks into my kitchen and starts laying down dirty dishes or insists on helping to clean up....I won't say anything to them, but I'd rather we all just have a comfortable evening together, and after they leave, I'll clean up...

I think this is proper etiquette actually. I firmly believe that if I am willing to host people for a holiday or dinner or whatever that I shouldn't expect people to help cook or clean up. I don't have a problem taking up a helpful offer if I really really need it, but I think it's bad form to expect help. My mil, on the other hand, told me when we were first married that she was happy that her son married someone willing to help out in the kitchen (like for holidays) because step sister il wouldn't ever help out. I am always willing to always help when needed or to stay out of the way if needed. Poor step sil probably had no clue she was expected to help out. Funny thing now is that I can't really help out as much because I've got two little ones running around trying to make messes, spill stuff, tear stuff up etc.. If she's not able to handle  the cooking and clean up involved in having all of us over for holiday dinners then she needs to tell us she can't do it anymore.