Devastated and hopeless

[SadToTheCore]

I am so glad to have found this site.  I have been suffering with my adult son for about 6 years.  He used to be the most brilliant, caring, compassionate, wonderful person you can ever imagine.  He suddenly changed.  He has been diagnosed with a mental illness.... paranoid delusional disorder.  He says his dad and I have ruined his life.  He says terrible things to me, and he calls me just to hang up on me.  He has no common sense and I can't reason with him.  The problem is, he has no money, as he can't get/keep a job.  He thinks he's going to live back home with us in December, but his dad and I can't take the stress.  I don't want to turn my back on him, as he's mentally ill, and the thought of him going into a home or something kills me.  But I can't allow him to treat us the way he does.  His dad has had it.  I don't know what to do.  Please help.

[jdtm]

I don't know what you should do either (there are far wiser women on this board that I am); however, I do know one thing.  You cannot reason with someone who can not reason.  His mental illness prevents him from thinking logically so trying to explain or rationalize your point of view is useless and probably would only upset and/or infuriate him.  I guess the way to "speak" to him would be "talking" without "saying" anything.  So difficult and so unnatural to do.  Sometimes our adult children need to solve their own issues as we just cannot or are unable to do this.  And, that may mean letting your son "find his own way", albeit a very difficult one for him and for his family.

As for your son "going into a home or something" - if this place can help his illness; then this type of medical care is what is needed.  There are many excellent mental health facilities in the world today; hopefully, there is one available for your son.  Hopefully his doctor will have advice re placement or help.  Wishing you the best ....

[Pen]

Sad, welcome to the site. I'm glad you're here but sorry you are going through such a painful time. Please keep reading and posting.

If you haven't already done so, please take a minute to read the Forum Agreement under Open Me First on the home page. Your post is fine, we just like everyone to know the policies.

I'm sure you'll hear from others soon. I agree with Jdtm that there are some good places out there; it may take awhile to find the right fit, but it is possible. Best wishes.

[pam1]

Welcome Sadtothecore

I don't have much advice but follow your heart.  If you can't deal with him moving back in, IMO you must not let him.  Your peace of mind is important too. 

[cpr]

Is this a recent diagnosis?  If he is seeking treatment from a professional and getting help, then you may very well see an improvement in his behavior soon.  If he is seeking treatment then know that while his doctor can not discuss his medical progress or condition with you, you can call them with concerns of any irrational behavior.  The doctor will not be able to comment on this behavior or tell you what they will do with it, but at least then they will have all of the information they will need.  I would say that if you do contact your DS physician then be prepared for this.  Do not badger the doctor for answers, do not ask questions about your son's prognosis that they can not legally answer.  Doing so will only make the doctor avoid you in the future and they will take your concerns less seriously.  It may be tough, but you will have to state only your observations and then stop.

I hope that your son is seeking treatment and this can be managed.  Best of luck to you both!

[Sassy]

Your son thinks he's going to be living with you in December.  How do you know he thinks that, does he speak to you as if it's a plan? If it's absolutely not an option, has anyone told him that's not an option?

Thinking out loud here.  If his living with you has been discussed to the point you know he expects to move in, it might be time to put some preconditions on it.  Such as, just for example, he gets treated regularly for his illness. He takes any medicines as prescribed.  He goes to all doctors appointments.  He follows all doctors orders, including for daily exercise, meditation, and group therapy.  He signs release papers at his doctors office naming you and DH that allow his doctors to talk about his treatment and progree with you.  He applies for SSDI. 

If he doesn't do those things before December, I agree it would be an impossible living situation.  If he does do those things, there's may be chance he won't need to live with you come December.

[Ruth]

I think Sassy had some excellent suggestions.  I am so sorry you are going through this ordeal.  There are no two stories on this site exactly alike, each of us feels our own story is devastating, and we all understand how hard it is to manage your heart.  My ds has also been a very very long devastator as far as the quality of my own life is concerned, he has more of a personality disorder which does also make discussion and compromise nearly impossible.  But you know it looks good on paper, as far as making these conditions for him to move back, but I also know that it usually explodes in your face and evicting someone you love is just another punch in the stomach you don't need right now.  Other responses will come that will be wiser than mine, but I do want to tell you welcome and take it one day at a time.  and pray lots.

[Smilesback@u]

I am sorry for your loss, you have lost your son as you knew him.  It must be very very sad to have 6 years of trying to figure this out and seeing your relationship go downhill.  Mental illnesses really happen at different ages, and he is an unfortunate one and so are you, as his family.  I like group homes though, because they offer caring supervision for meals, activities and offer friendship.  Anyone with a mental illness has a very hard time making friends and are lonely, confused, and misunderstood.  They do not know how to help themselves, but they do know they are alone in their misery.  In a group home, there is counseling for daily activities to occur, and residents are given time to understand how each other feels, and help is given for everyone to feel supported.  There is respite care for caregivers, so no one gets burn out like family members do who have to do everything.  They provide organized family visits so that family feel welcome to be with their loved ones, and gives them a chance to interact and see how they are doing without them.  They usually do just as good or better than being left on their own or in family care IMO.  Your DS will need friends in a structured, safe environment for all of his life, and for long after you have gone.  Sorry that must really hurt to know you will not be able to be there for him all of his life, and so you prepare for that day.  That's why looking into something like a group home would really help him more than you will know.  He will be able to avoid jail, institutionalization and find ownership of his own place and things and be able to be as independent as he can be.  My 2-cents and hopefully you have a chance to check it out.  Take heart, we have a paranoid schizophrenic relative who lives on her own, but there have been problems.  So someday she will be in a group home, we know.  There is Social Security Income for people with mental illness that can help support him, and there is medicare also to pay for doctors, counseling and Rx.  If you have questions, I hope you are in a support group for yourselves locally.  And we are here for you always, hugs. 

[Ruth]

Oh What A Wonderful Response SMILES!  We are so blessed on this site to have these resources.  Your answer was soothing even to me, and it just couldn't have been more on target.  It is just natural as Mom's to think we can fix all problems and heal the boo boos and so hard to feel ok in admitting to yourself and any one else that you can't do it.  I used to be very close to a lady whose son had schizophrenia and I witnessed the roller coaster that defined her life.  She tried home care, and the entire family lived in an uproar and chaos.  The other children suffered and problems ensued from neglect, as the os took up all the time.  Only when he went into a group home did she begin to find some peace and order.  But having a situation like this, is as heart breaking as it gets.  When I received the diagnosis about my own son's personality disorder, it went into a deep grief and depression.  The hopes of a lifetime were dashed, and as I stated before that as long as I felt he just had problems that I had caused by bad parenting, there was hope I could fix it.  Learning that it was a problem inside the head nearly broke me, but eventually I have come to terms with accepting ds personality as it is and working with that. 

[Sassy]

Very wise, smiles.  I love how you offer a longer term solution that doesn't require the parents to be policing his progress.

Maybe a social worker can help coordinate with finding suitable group homes, lining up Medicare, applying for SSI.

[Pen]

There are agencies such as Regional Centers (in Calif; may be called something else in other states) that coordinate everything. They assign case workers who line up medical evaluations, assessments, homes, day programs, job placement, social activities, etc. SSI is crucial, as is Medicare. Best wishes on finding the best fit for your son. Once he's placed, the home should take care of all doctor's visits, transportation, etc. You can then be the parents of an independent adult rather than a care provider. It's very liberating for all.

[Smilesback@u]

Yes, Ruth - you said it right, it is a problem in the head, not something a parent can cause or cure.  We don't want to see you lose your own sanity - which you won't since you are looking for help but certainly you can feel stuck without hope.  Sorry, and thanks for the compliments - seems I am in the right place at the right time to share.  peace

[SadToTheCore]

Thanks so much for all the care and kind words.  My son seems to manage okay with friends and others, but has no respect for me or his dad.  He blames us for all the ills in his life.  He has gone to counseling, but he says he's doing it to help US.  He is total denial that he needs help, so there is not much we can do.  This is a total change in his personality.  He was president of his class, ran for president of his university, has so much potential and talent.  It's just such a tragedy to watch this unfold and not be able to do anything about it.  He has applied for jobs, but none really meets his standards, because as a college grad, he thinks it's demeaning.  How do you help someone who refuses to admit they have a problem, yet people around him all know?  I can't let him come home, but I hate to turn him out onto the streets.  It's just nice to know I'm not alone.

[sesamejane]

I forget who wrote this, but I first heard it when I was a teenager - a loooong time ago.  He said, "It may be your parents fault that you are the way you are, but it is your fault if you stay that way."  It was very motivating to me as a young person, and I had an abusive family background.

You know it occurs to me that we could turn that around to:

It may be your dc's fault that you are the way you are, but it's your fault if you stay that way - maybe not quite on target but ...

[Smilesback@u]

Very wise SJane - it is a good thing to feel what you feel, let someone know, get affirmed, and then ask yourself, what do you want to do next?  Somethings maybe will never change, but who is to know?  Letting go of expectations that they will change, and focus on changing what you can.  I am re-focusing on doing something that makes me happy rather than keep reminding myself that my relationship with Dad, Sis, and DS' cause me grief.  One step at a time...glad you are here, sharing, and when you are ready to move on to the next step, you will know.  I like the "Courage to change the things that I can" approach too.