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Help-Input required-Girlfriend not married, with baby wants mom out of picture

Started by triplelace, September 15, 2011, 05:25:38 PM

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lancaster lady

Hi again ........the thing is , perhaps your son didnt mention to his partner he told you to drop round on a Saturday . Tends to be a communication problem sometimes , what is an issue for us gals is not a problem for the guys. Until you two clear the air , there will always be an atmosphere  which is unpleasant ......please wait for that invite from her , I know you want to see your grandchild , but she's the mom and like it or not , its her terms I'm afraid . Your son will have his input sure , but usually she will win every time .

triplelace

Your right. Since my son is ignorant about these things, I have to at least show up once, with or
without her invite.  T his will demonstrate to him that I have an interest in seeing my GD.

lancaster lady

I'm with you TL , just be.careful not to alienate her further , as your son will side with her ......its a difficult path us MIL 's take and hard to get it right, good luck .

triplelace


alohomora

I would strongly suggest not just showing up. Despite what your son said.

Based on what I've read you didn't have the closest history with your son. DIL may feel she doesn't owe you much in terms of a relationship. But everyone deserves common decency.

I would write her a very nicely worded e-mail, explaining that you are wondering if you could come by on such and such date at such and such time, and that you love them all and would really like to make the effort of improving your relationship with her.

luise.volta

Deserving common decency and getting it, unfortunately, can be worlds apart. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Nana

Triple

I know how awful is wanting to see grandchildren and not being able to see them.    I was there long time ago.  I never visited uninvited though, that was out of the question.  My heart was torn...but I chose "Me",  my self-respect, my peace of mind, and my self-worth.   

Dont vist ever...unvited please, dont get hurt anymore.  I once heard a saying, something like this "The first time, I didnt know, it wasnt my fault......the second time, I knew better....it was my fault". 

Things are totally different know....but I had to step back....and move on with my life....then they came back to me.  And  for that I am grateful.  They come to visit at least oncee or twice  a week (normally week-eds..plus I babysit every Friday).

You can do it.... dont push... Its the not the way..

Hope the best for you.

Love

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare


Pooh

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

herbalescapes

The whole "my son wants me to work it out with his GF" reminds me of a magazine article I read some time ago.  It said (I don't know the source of the info, mind you) that the number one thing women want from men is for men to know what women want.  The number one thing men want from women is for women to want nothing. 

I don't know if it's having this idea in my head that makes me see things or I'm really seeing this, but the part about men wanting women to want nothing seems evident in a lot of relationships.  It seems men don't want to deal with relationships at all - I guess they consider that "women's work" and gender roles are still entrenched in this area.  If his GF/W has a problem with his parents, she should deal with it and leave him alone.  If his parents have a problem with his GF/W, they should deal with it on their own and leave him out of it.  I see this even in very healthy marriages that have good relationships with both ILs.  Every family has its own brand of crazy so there will always be little disappointments and hurts.  Over and over I see wives/mothers left to solve problems that the husband/son could fix in two shakes of a lamb's tail.  If men dealt with problems at work the way they deal with problems in their families, they would be fired immediately.  So many family rifts could be avoided if the males in the family would step up to plate early on in the game. 

I'll get off my soapbox now.  Good luck to everyone trying to solve family problems when key members in that family refuse to do anything. 

Pooh

I like your soapbox!  ;D

I agree.  I have said after finding this forum one of the big things it made me see was that my DS could probably change our situation if he wanted to. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

triplelace

Thank you herbalscapes.

I think that if my son's father was still alive, he wouldn't have let my son drop the
ball like he has.

But then again, I never ever thought my son could have said or done some of the responses
I have experienced with him with this GF

I think it's futile to respond this GF email in that there's only ONE point of view and it's hers.

At this point I think she's a little insane.

lancaster lady

If they side with their Mom , they get it from their partner .
If they side with their partner , their Mom suffers ........
That's why they stay on the fence , it's a lose lose situation !

triplelace

Yes, all good

It feels like this:

if someone says you started the fire that burned down the neighbors  house in your neighbors presence (and you didn't)

So, you say you did not start the fire.  But this someone insists you started the fire and she's good friends with the neighbor like you. 

Now she is asking you to apologize and fess up!   

What do you do?

I'm backing out.