March 29, 2024, 03:31:44 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Help-Input required-Girlfriend not married, with baby wants mom out of picture

Started by triplelace, September 15, 2011, 05:25:38 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

lancaster lady

After we made peace I backed off and told them I would wait for an invitation to visit . After a while the invitations came . Our situations are not identical but similar.My DIL decided to use attachment parenting and told me after my GD was a year old , something alien to me but her choice . I hope you reach a solution as I know how painful not seeing a gc can be .

triplelace

Dear Lancaster Lady:

By definition:  The long-range vision of Attachment Parenting is to raise children who will become adults with a highly developed capacity for empathy and connection. It eliminates violence as a means for raising children, and ultimately helps to prevent violence in society as a whole.

One would assume a relationship with a grandmother would impart a connection of love which would support this theory! My DL would never go for this, all I've heard (periodically) is how they need a break from the baby, (Although I am not the break). I see my DL has distanced from her motherhood relationship, from the beginning it is more I want the baby is an interruption of her life.  Which is probably normal, but it just amazed me as the baby isn't a year old yet.


pam1

Tripleplace, thank you, yes that does clarify quite a bit.  It's been my experience and observations on the in law boards that it is virtually impossible for a DIL and MIL to have a good relationship when there isn't a good relationship between the DS and MIL. 

In my experience, I felt put in the middle of DH and MIL.  MIL directed her energies at me quite a bit and I think in effort to avoid examining her poor relationship with DS.  In short, I could have never given her what she really wanted and I was the handy scapegoat for both DH and MIL.  My child was also thrown in the middle which I had to put a stop to by pulling away.

For DH, it was a lot easier to direct MIL to me and MIL, by all accounts, found it easier to blame me.  I'm not saying you're blaming your DIL but it does seem like a similar dynamic going on.  It kind of reads as both you and DS are avoiding the big elephant in the room and focusing on other people or issues.  In my experience, it doesn't work.  My suggestion would be to work on your relationship with DS and things should naturally fall into place.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

triplelace

Dear Pam:

I appreciate your response.  But disagree with "naturally falling into place"  I had that experience with my lst DIL.  Yes, but this one sees my DS as loving her more if he corroborates with her, it is a spiritual illness and if being loving and accepting her (at least initially) and not giving her back what she has given, has not done anything but maybe surprise her, It has gotten to the point where I just need to keep away from the negativity as best I can.  My DS will always come back to me when he is in trouble and if that's the only way he needs me in his life, that's his choice.

I think I need to let each of them know through my actions, I am not going to get involved in the negativity,  and if it continues, well there is always a corresponding reaction to every action taken.

Thanks again.

Pooh

Welcome TL.  Many of us have come to realize, even though our DIL's or in your case, GF are difficult to get along with, the problem is truly with our DS's.  When they will not step up and take a stand on behalf of their FOO or the other way, take a stand with their DIL/GF when the FOO is being the pills, it leaves us in a no-win situation.  When the DIL/GF is not interested in that relationship, there is nothing you can do.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

triplelace

Dear Pooh:

Thank you for your reply, I mostly feel the same way you do.  I will ask GF seek next to make a claim to see my granddaughter, it will go the way that it goes.  She will probably respond in a few days..
to the email I sent.. if it is negative and fault finding (which I expect)..then I will drive over to their home during a time I know my DS will be there, if that fails (and it in all probability will)...then I have at least made an effort and expect that the only time I will see my granddaughter is if they split up.

I am enjoying all this discourse, fabulous site.  I will update later

Lovingly to all

Sassy

Quote I will ask GF seek next to make a claim to see my granddaughter, it will go the way that it goes.  She will probably respond in a few days.. to the email I sent.. if it is negative and fault finding (which I expect)..then I will drive over to their home during a time I know my DS will be there, if that fails (and it in all probability will)....

I hope that by going to their home when DS is there, that means after DS has invited you there.  I wouldn't invite myself to their home right now.  I really wouldn't stop by uninvited and unannounced.   I would think that could almost certainly make more trouble than it helps.

I figured out for me, that one of the guidelines that help me not regret what I've done, is to stay without good manners.  Even if I want to do something rude, (like yell when someone's being ridiculous) I don't want the situation someone else creates, put me in a way that I do something I know is a violation of basic civility. Someone else is not going to make me become less than who I am.

I would let them know I'm open, my door is open.  But I wouldn't walk through anyone else's door without being asked to. 
(If I miscontrued the meaning about driving over their home, then this wouldn't be apply and consider it irrelevant. )

Sassy

QuoteI know we are not real close no son of mine who was close to me would have followed his GF suggestion to tell me to leave when I because he and his GF were going to have family night.

Was this one of the four times the girlfriend kicked you out?

Can I asked if they had invited you to come over, and how long the visits went on, before they let you know it was time to end the visit?

I am wondering if the invitations having both a planned start and end time might be a helpful approach.  This way you'd all know what to expect about ending a visit.

triplelace

I know this story seems all one sided and I can assure you her story would never and never does
resemble mine.  But I have no reason to make up anything. 

I am talking about coming in and 5' minutes (ok maybe 6') later, she sat across from me just staring then took my son into kitchen and he came out with the announcement.  She is bent on not having the mom around period.  Has been since the first week I met her.  It was startling at first, because she
GF can be charming, but she's been intent on coming between mom and son from the start.  Actually, after my first DL (one he married) this was a complete turnaround.

The situation is volatile on her part...I should have a part in this,,,then I could at least apologize for something.  This would be easier.

Sassy

I believe everything you say. I don't think you are making up anything.  I mean this from my heart.  I wasn't clear if the visits you mentioned were planned and you were invited over by DS or his GF type of visits, or just drop ins.

Drop ins can be really tough on some people and they simply can't relax with guests unless they are prepared for company.  It's not good etiquette for the reason the people who are dropped in on tend to feel anxious, and like they have to drop everything.  I am not personally comfortable with having people over without notice, even my best friend or own mother.  I want to be able to keep my house less than guest ready without worrying.

If this is something about the visits that's going on, (though I'm still not sure) it could be changed. My thought is if it is, applying etiquette might improve the environment for you when you're with them.  I am trying to think of little possible ways to ease the stress when you're together, so it's more pleasant for DS, his GF and you. So you can get to spend more time with your grandchild.

(Like I said, if unannounced, or uninvited drop ins aren't a part of this dynamic, this suggestion would be irrelevant.) But if it is, the good news is that there's big room for improvement.

triplelace

I appreciate where you are coming from.  One month before I my boss lost the account, as an
apartment manager, I moved my DS and GF in on a special deal.  They lived 2 doors down from me.

Neither of us had restrictions on when to go to each others home.. Let's face it, she was screaming at me the morning I (w/o help including hers) moved in their refrigerator. I had done them a favor, otherwise they would have had it difficult.

Thanks again, I can't wait til she answers my email.  We shall see ;)

Sassy

You had mentioned driving by their place, so it sounds like that two doors down situation has changed since back then.  It sounds likes GF may have preferred at least some restrictions on each other's homes, perhaps even back then (screaming when you came over).

I don't see where you could go wrong using basic etiquette about visits as a guideline going forward.  I understand that may seem too formal, to how the relationship has been.  But based on what's not working about the current situation, I think that may have a better result for you than favors.





triplelace

I agree with your thoughts on etiquette,  if that was an issue for her then I am sure she would
have brought it up!

I am not someone that drops in and never goes, it's not about that.  My son just told me to come over any saturday around 2 and they both will be there.  Just to drop by, and talk to her whilst he is there.

But,,,,,instead I wrote her an email, (seen in my earlier posts) asking for a good time to drop by.


Sassy

Quote if that was an issue for her then I am sure she would
have brought it up!

My thought was that her telling you they were going to have family night, i.e., not a good time for a visit, might have been an indirect way of her bringing that up.  Since you mention the other kick-outs weren't from words of anger, maybe it was in the same vein of not a good time to have someone drop in, I'm not sure.  It sure would be simpler if she'd come out and ask you to call before coming over.

I think its great to tell DIL you plan to wait for an invite at a time that's good for them too.   I really hope they do respond to you soon.  If an invitation is not forthcoming soon, however, I still wouldn't just drive by and drop in, without calling first.  That was what caught my eye and prompted me to find out a little more.

Good luck to you!

Doe

Triplelace - maybe you should consider getting together with your relatives at a public place to do something rather than go to their home.    Do you have a place with some nice scenery where you could go for a walk with the GB?  Or some public performance you could all go and enjoy?    I wonder if maybe you were doing something together other than sitting on a couch trying to make conversation if everyone would relax more.