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GF wrote back 7 days later

Started by triplelace, September 22, 2011, 11:26:38 AM

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lancaster lady

You know Triplelace , if we had the whole picture , we could see where you are coming from .
I was never faced with what you are facing , and looking at the picture you are painting , I would steer clear too .
I hope your son realises what he is getting into , and follows suit .
Wishing you the best ....LL

triplelace


Sassy

I did not see the email, but I feel a sense of relief that you got some response, any response.  The angry tone makes sense, as I would expect nothing differently from a person who's capable of chasing someone down the street with a butcher knife. 

The line "I do not care about your feelings" may have been composed in direct response to the line "It feels strange not to see my granddaughter grow up" without a lot of thought past that behind it.

The upside is you reached out and you got some information that you did not have before.  The motto for reading around wisewomenunite is "Take what you want and leave the rest."  I think it would apply perfectly to this email.  Register only the bits of info you can use to help you make your decisions going forward, and leave her tone, negativitity and the hostility behind. 

I'm sorry the mother of your granddaughter is such a meanie.

Pooh

Good for you triple.  I know it's easier for me to say because I did see the email, but I can't decide if I just wouldn't answer it at all or would just respond with "Thank you for taking the time to write me back" and nothing else.   The reason I am saying that is normally, I would say in a heartbeat, do not respond, she is spoiling for a battle.  But because of her wording, I almost think no response is going to give her what she is looking for.  The ability to say, "See, I answered her and she ignored it."

Then again, with the tone of the email and the underpants/knife story....I think no matter what you do, it's going to be wrong in her eyes when someone is that hostile.   Sooo....I think I would wait, and next time your DS contacts you, I would just casually mention to him something like, "Hey, I got GF's email response and I appreciate her taking the time to write me back.  I am giving you guys your space, so I didn't respond."   I think in that way, you are not putting DS in the middle, but if GF does rant at him about you not responding, he has your reason why if she starts telling lies?

Let the others chime in on this one, because I am really torn on this.  I still would like to know, only if you want to, was there a big scene of some sort at the shower?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

pam1

I did not see the email, however my thoughts were if the email was that hostile and it took her a week to write back, she must be very, very angry. 

Usually people take their time answering so they can collect their thoughts and calm down when they are angry.   But since it was still so apparently hostile, I really don't know.  Coupled with the knife story, I wouldn't want to personally be around her. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

triplelace

I'm very tired tonight, but I will fill you in later on the 'shower'-- really just more of the
same

lancaster lady

I'm glad you're posting Triple , we are here day and night , any time you want to chat . Sweet Dreams .

forever spring

Quote from: Pen on September 22, 2011, 02:36:33 PM
The 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance.

A dear friend is awaiting results from a biopsy. I've been thinking about her and the posts here today. I have a picture of all of us amazing women standing in a crowd, some of us randomly getting zapped for no rhyme or reason: breast cancer, job layoff, troubled kid, tree falling, tornado, wicked MIL, crazy DIL (or vice versa) etc. It's not fair, but there it is.

None of us deserves the poor treatment we have gotten from others, but we can't change anyone but ourselves. I think you just made a wise choice, TripleLace. Spend this time on yourself!

So true Pen, some people who are hit by a cruel twist of fate ask: Why me? Others Why not me?

Sorry to hear about your problem triple. Many of us are catapulted from the idyll of life as a young family to a life full of problems often caused by one person only. But she is not going to go away and as mother of GC is important. Maybe in time the situation will heal but I think it will only happen with lots of patience on your side. Nothing is static in life and we never know what's round the corner and people can change and trust can be reinstated. We have to believe this in order to carry on. And if it doesn't happen, the scar will always be there but the wound will heal in time and other things will happen to make your joy of life return. Thinking of you ....

I love my boys but sometimes I think it would be so much easier to deal with SILs rather than DILs - I'll never know - only there are so few issues with SILs mentioned on this site. It seems to be exclusively MIL/DIL relationships that are so dysfunctional. WHY o WHY???? :'(

Ruth

I notice most of the issues on this forum are with MIL/DIL.  I don't think this is a coincidence.  I believe its the oldest thing in the world, woman rivalry.  This is the case with my issue with MIL.  I am the odd one out here it seems, most of the forum is written by MIL re. DIL devils.  Anyway, I was married before and never knew anything about MIL issues, mine was stressless.  But this marriage hit me blindsided, as MIL made my life miserable.  I'm not blaming her entirely, but the dynamics were similar to jealousy.  In my case, I was maybe subconsciously disgusted by MIL's gush-ey lovey attitude toward my dh, her ds.  She was a great person when dh wasn't around, but when the three of us were together, I sensed a different dynamic coming from her.  This is just an observation, but maybe MIL's communicate this to DIL's without their knowledge.  I think MIL/DIL is probably one of the most difficult relationship dynamics there is, and it probably isn't addressed enough in society.

forever spring

I do agree, Ruth. It's so good to have a DIL here on this site because it can all get a bit one-sided.
I reckon most MILs and DILs seen separately are the best, kindest people you can find but the moment they get together somehow the dynamics change. I'm not a competetive person at all and I think I'm not possessive but maybe it's all different when I adopt the role of MIL - my whole personality changes and I feel I'm not myself anymore. One wise woman on this site mentioned that we should give this MIL/DIL relationship time to grow. It may take years before it shapes into a meaningful relationship based on mutual respect and trust.
I wish I had known this beforehand because I didn't do that.  When they announced their engagement, I accepted my DIL immediately to honour my DS love for her! (See where the problem lies, it's not her as a person I saw but I saw her as the partner of my son - period!) I showered gifts on her, told her I loved her etc. etc. when all along I probably just went along with the flow - ughhh!
Reading posts on this site has given me a lot of insights and I know now that this was wrong. She must have felt all along that I didn't take her seriously and she must have resented this.
When I moved close to them last year to help with the new GC issues of alienation arose and we were all really miserable. We behaved wrongly to each other because we were always afraid and both of us were really insecure. We both ignored the 'tread softly because you tread on my dreams' (J. Joyce) advice. Well meaning is just not enough. I know this now. DS didn't help at all. He was probably equally confused.
I don't live near any more and we have not really sorted our relationship out as yet because I felt that talking about the things that happened wouldn't make us feel closer to each other at that time because we were too close to everything. However when we  parted we hugged and both of us said that we were sorry for the things that happened. I really think that only patience and time will heal what has been broken. I don't feel angry towards her at all just sad that the relationship with a key person in my life should not work properly. Mind you, i have learned to see her as a person now which is a step in the right direction I suppose. No more presents to woo her, just gifts that come from the heart.
I must add that I am an only child so not well versed in dealing with conflict whereas she comes from a larger family and deals with conflict there and then. She must have felt I was for ever pushing issues aside without addressing them but thinking badly about her and no end of presents and good will gestures changed that. I do wonder how she saw me and what memories she has of me?????????
I'm now in the process of healing myself and hope that when we next see each other we will be on the path to sorting things out but I'm aware it will be a long process. Wish me patience and luck!
All DILs on the site, I do love your input, It is very valuable.

Ruth

My dear Chelms because you have just 100% mirrored my inner thoughts and sentiments on this, it must be a more prevalent dynamic that we ever thought, or I ever thought.  I always saw my MIL issue as being a big deviation from normalcy (same as aleination with ds) and because of that it became a dark monster in my life.  No talking about it, just something you wake up at 3 a.m. with it on your mind and it is terrifying.  My MIL just adored me at first, because I know she saw me as the angel of mercy come to make her sons life more comfortable, joyous, etc.  She never saw me as an individual.  She never asked how 'my work day went' or how 'my' children and grandchildren fared, at least not in any way other than politeness.  I resented her terribly and it grew out of control.  Although neither of us ever said a confrontative word to each other in person, our relationship was destroyed.  My dh played a major role in that by telling her our personal issues.  Its all water under the bridge now, and too much damage was done to fix it other than by lots of time healing.  I hoped my experience might help heal another family who has time to not make those mistakes.  I do love my MIL very much now, but I could not risk a relationship with her because I'm afraid it would all repeat itself.  I am also in an odd position as my MIL is more a peer than an elder, she is only about 17 yrs my senior.  I can't tell you anything I think you could do to actually help the problems with your DIL, because I don't think there's a thing in the world my MIL could do, we both realize unspokenly that we can't intermix.  However, 50% off the biggest damage done was in her not being willing to step aside from the intimate and wonderful relationship she had enjoyed so many years with her ds, to defer to his new wife.  I know it would have been very hard for her, and she wasn't prepared for a DIL.  Have you noticed there aren't any forums for mil issues with sils?  probably because there mostly aren't any.  thanks for writing this, it has helped me go another rung up the ladder toward getting a little more peace of mind, and that is worth its weight in gold.

pam1

Ruth & Chelmsford, wow..you ladies are making a lot of sense.

For me, even though my MIL is mentally ill, I do find the whole thing so off putting in my life.  Like it's shameful in a way, to not get along with her.  She's also what I call a one off in my life.  I don't have these types of problems with people very often, if at all, except for her.  And since I have zero experience with this sort of family dispute it makes it that much harder to find a way to get along.

I also think women do find a lot of self esteem in relationships and so having a poor one with another female family member is very hard for the females.  Whichever role they are in. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Doe

I'm not really groking this from a DIL point of view.  My MIL and I just widened our family spheres when I got married.  We didn't always agree and we were both stubborn but we never cut each other off, we just told each other what we thought, then moved on.  That's one reason I don't understand my DIL cutting me off.  Where's the benefit of that?  I'm truly, honestly not an unreasonable ogre.

When MIL got dementia, she moved in with us for the last years of her life.  She thought she was in a boarding house with some nice people.  My husband would not put her in a nursing home and even though it was hard (I had 2 toddlers at the time), we did it because she was family.

I'm not trying to sound righteous about the whole thing - I think it's too bad that families have gotten brittle.

Pooh

I agree Doe.  I could not stand my first MIL, but I never cut her off and continued the relationship just accepting it for what it was and keeping the family in contact.  I do think Ruth and Chelms make alot of sense, as many women can not get along with other women.  Jealousy, competition, fear....who knows what it is but even the women I work with will be evil to each other but treat their male counterparts totally different.  I've never understood it. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

justus

Ruth, I think there aren't any boards for Sons-in-law, because guys deal with it differently. My DH had two horrible MILs, my M and his previous MIL who was truly a monster. He would never think to go looking for support on-line. My xH could also have used the support, but never would have looked for it, because when I was married to him, I was very enmeshed with my M, which had a very negative impact on our M. It wasn't the final reason we split up, but it certainly contributed to the overall bad marriage we had. Come to think of it, my D had a horrible MIL. GM was the kind who hated every one of the men her DD ever dated. She loved D before he was with M, but after he was garbage and us kids knew it. She really undermined our relationship with him, as my M attempted to undermine DH's relationships with my children. It is a legacy I do my best not to pass on.