son moving out

[Pooh]

Ok, I just got a great mental image of you doing all that and the cat falling asleep.  Good for you for not letting him in and for not replacing the phone.  Somehow, I'm thinking that was just an excuse of his to get back in...maybe because he was going after the stuff?  You did so good.

[elsieshaye]

Apparently he didn't lose the phone, so I'm going to keep it on for a while.  It's leverage at least, and allows him to contact friends he might be able to stay with, so I'm willing to do that much.

He came by yesterday morning very early to ask for money.  First I got a text at 5 am, then repeated phone calls, which I didn't answer, and then he showed up at the door.  I unfortunately just sort of hid in my bedroom for an hour, unsure of what to do.  I finally texted him back that I wouldn't be able to give him any money, and he started redoubling his efforts to get me to open the door.  Eventually I went to the door and asked him to leave.  When he wouldn't, I called the police.  Apparently, he heard me do that, because he left before they arrived only a few minutes later, and I haven't heard from him since (although I did see him hanging out at the coffee shop with friends, so I know he's not as isolated or without means as he claims).

Right now, I'm just feeling sad and a bit adrift.  I keep having recurring worries about other family yelling at me about doing this (even though he's not willing to turn to them either, and in both cases the family members would have tossed him out on his ear or had him arrested even sooner, and wouldn't have put up with much of the stuff that I did).  Fundamentally, I feel responsible, even though I know that's not 100% true.  I feel like I must have been a terrible mother to raise a child who's making choices like this.  Even commercials are hard to watch, if they have kids in them.  (I know I'm wallowing a bit - still down with the sinus infection and I have been stuck at home with my own company too long.)

Thanks for listening.  I"m going to eat something and take a shower, and by then my attitude may have improved a bit.

[Doe]

  I keep having recurring worries about other family yelling at me about doing this (even though he's not willing to turn to them either, and in both cases the family members would have tossed him out on his ear or had him arrested even sooner, and wouldn't have put up with much of the stuff that I did). 

Hey Elsie -
Why don't you call them first and give them a heads up that he might be contacting them.   I think they'll support your decision and maybe come up with some suggestions that are specific to him.
I know this is rough, but you'll get though this.  Right now your son is looming large so everything looks bleak but eventually he move out of your line of sight and you can get on with your life.

[pam1]

(((Elsiehayes)))  I think Doe has a good suggestion, you need support right now too. 

[elsieshaye]

Doe and Pam,

I'll consider it, but unfortunately, neither of them would be a support as much as they would be a vortex of panic and chaos.  One of them is DS's father, and not only would DS not be receptive to his father intervening at this point, but 1) I have told the ex that he is not to ever contact me again or I'd press charges for harassment and 2) he would push this all onto me, claim it's my fault, and thus DS's responsibility for his own actions is yet again sidestepped.  Honestly, I just can't cope with him on top of everything else.  DS's Aunt is almost as bad.  She'd go into very-sad, handwringing, "are you sure there isn't something we can't do for him - we can't just leave him out in the cold!" mode.  And, DS actively dislikes her too.  (He has the phone numbers for both his father and his aunt, and lots of other family and friends - he is by no means bereft of other support should he choose to ask for it.)

I am at a stage right now where I feel guilty about wanting this thing with DS to move out of my line of sight, while at the same time looking forward to that with every atom.  Right now, I'm holding on to how lovely and peaceful things are in the apartment right now, and focusing on getting better from my sinus infection.  I refuse to let DS's choices crush me.

Elsie

[Sassy]

You protected the peace in your house.  He knows you want it.   It's not too much to ask.  Showing up at 5 AM asking for money.   I don't like that he wanted to be let in after the answer was no.   Not leaving was intimidating.  At best, he was hoping to find what's with the fishies.  I'd also look into those little door and window contact alarms, they're very cheap and easy to put on.  Two magnets that make a very loud siren noise when contact breaks. 

It's not your fault he's like his father.  Despite counseling, your love and care, healthy boundaries, he is still like his father.  Whether it's genetics or modeling or neither or a combination; it's not your fault.

[elsieshaye]

Sassy, I have those alarms on every door and window, installed the day after DS moved out.  I do sleep a lot better knowing they're there. 

[Doe]

"I am at a stage right now where I feel guilty about wanting this thing with DS to move out of my line of sight, while at the same time looking forward to that with every atom."

Maybe you need to make a quick decision as to which person you want to be - his victim or your own person.  If you don't decide for yourself, he'll make the decision for you.

[Sassy]

I keep having recurring worries about other family yelling at me about doing this

I have told the ex that he is not to ever contact me again or I'd press charges for harassment

One thing I've noticed about surviving past the end of an abusive relationship, whether with parents or a long time partner or even a toxic boss, is how their voices carry.

Long after being away from them, can still hear their blame and disapproval of our actions.   The shame, fear, doubt, and worry they worked so hard for years to instill, echoes whenever we start to doubt ourselves.

[Sassy]

That you only threw out the smoking equipment, and not DS, when you first found it, was you being flexible.  It was specifically part of the deal and he agreed to do it.  But when it came time for him to actually agree to not keeping some twenty dollar thingamajibit in the house, he didn't want to.   He was bummed when he found it missing.  He could have kept it to himself or even complained to you.  Instead he threw out something sentimental and irreplacable.    That's frightening.

He's an addict.  This is scary, and it's sad.  I am so sorry.  I am also so grateful whenever I see how you are doing what it takes to protect yourself.   These are not easy decisions, but in my opinion they are the right ones.  You can love your son without giving him cash at 5 am.

[Pooh]

Well Elsie...I know it's tough right now but girl....I'm still so very, very proud of you!  You continue to stick to your guns and let him know it's not ok.  You have nothing to feel guilty about as these are the consequences to the choices he made.  He knew what the consenques were before he made the choices.  That is totally on him.

Don't deal with the Ex or Aunt then if you can't count on them for support.  If he goes to them and tells wild tales, then so be it.  They will learn soon enough after dealing with him. 

Take care of that sinus infection and get better!  You got this!

[Sassy]

If DS had thrown out some of your takeout food leftovers, it could possibly pass as his warped sense of justice.  (Even though we know he never should have had the stuff of his in your house to begin with, for you to have to throw out yourself to have his deal honored).   That he destroyed something so personal, the retaliation, like not leaving in the early morning, seemed meant to intimidate you into submission. 

Some people, when they want to get their way, will say or do anything to try to get it.  They will insult you and berate your character as an (out of bounds) way to convince you that you're wrong, so you give them what they want of yours.   People who do this, seem genuinely surprised later to find out what they said or did had effects on the other person and the relationship. They felt so right, so determined in their mission. What tactics they use seemed unimportant, in the name of being right.

[Ruth]

Oh, dear dear Elsie, I hurt so much for you when I read your posts again, I loved you having that happy night painting your nails and enjoying a little peace and quiet.  But mothers don't sail a placid sea, and at times you will have to lash yourself to the helm to weather some 'nor easterners!', but in time I am confident you'll look back and know you did the right thing.  You really had no other choice, Elsie.  Your son's only chance is to learn to be responsible for himself, you granted his requests for time, he agreed to your terms, then he flagrantly violated them.  I'm sorry, but at that time he wrote his own ticket.  I wish I could have given you a hug on that morning, Elsie, I know it was painful.

I remember many years ago,  my DS lived with me one year after the divorce and flip flopping, and then he got fed up with the rules and went back to his father.  He was 15, and I felt there had been a death in that empty room, it was so sad.  I was sure he'd just go under in that environment, drop out of school, etc.  He didn't.  He graduated and went on to military, then to university.  Your DS is very young, don't fast forward the future in your mind.  A long time ago my pastor said to me, "Ruth, you won't be the one to save your son."  I can only now see what he meant. 

What you said about 'the family blaming you for what you did', this is exactly what  tortured me so much during the past decade.  I think it was really the voice inside my own head, I had no confidence in myself, and I hated myself.   I lived my life as a spectator.  It took me a lot of years to move into my own skin and become ok with making difficult decisions the best I knew how, and not give a rip what the rest of the family thought about it.  You make the best call you can and then you have to turn it over.  Have some confidence right now in the values and wisdom you planted in your ds for so many years.   Your actions really put the ball in your court.  He's no longer in control, and that can be very frightening.  You did the right thing, Elsie.

[Smilesback@u]

Al-Anon will give you the support you need to gain your sanity, lose your guilt and gather your wits for round 2 with your DS.  He is not going to give up without a fight.  You can put a No Trespassing rule on him, and then call the police if he breaks that.  It is not a good thing to have on your record.  Do you want to die (figuratively speaking) or do you want to show him you cannot put up with this chaos in your life?  Your choice - tough love, baby.  I been there, I done that, I survived, and son grew up.  You are a strong lady.  take courage 

[Pen]

Thinking of you, Elsie. It's time for you to take extra special care of yourself; your poor body is run down from all this emotional stuff, I'll bet. What is good for your DS is also good for you - he needs to be out and on his own, and you need your home to be a peaceful refuge.