son moving out

[luise.volta]

Brilliant!

[elsieshaye]

Yesterday, I was putting away some clothes for DS, and discovered the "smoking apparatus" that I had asked him to get out of the house had returned. I threw it away. His response was to wait until I had left and throw away something my mother had left me, to retaliate. I didn't discover that it was missing until this morning, and at that point I asked him to leave and not return. What finally did it for me was the idea that, if he stayed and I dared to maintain my boundaries, I'd have to figure out what I was willing to lose, each and every time. I truly can't live like that. He will be staying with a friend, and will make arrangements with me to pick up the bulk of his things later. I got my keys back, and have already contacted the management office about changing the locks. The balcony door is locked too, but I don't put it past him to break the door while I'm gone if he feels entitled to come back and get something. (He's climbed up to the balcony before to come in, late one night when I had locked the front door and he came home later, drunk.)

His behavior when he left was very condescending and belittling. Lots of comments about how cowardly and stupid I was, plus attempts to push buttons about how I had done the same thing to his father and to my father - rejected them "when things became a little bit difficult." He suggested that a more appropriate response would have been to keep taking the abuse, but "shift my perceptions" about it so that it didn't bother me. Funny, but his father told me almost exactly the same thing once. That the only reason his behavior was a problem for me is that I chose to make it a problem.

I'm very sad, both at things having to get to this point, and at the idea that DS might be as much of an N as his father. I recognize that a lot of what he said was an effort to feel in control of the situation, but it was so much like abuser-speak that it actually just reinforced my conviction that I can't live like that.

[FAFE]

You might try adding some razor wire around the balcony, so he can't get in.  (Joke)  But maybe you could find something that would deter him.  Hugs going out. 

[Pen]

Elsie, so sorry to hear that it's come to this. I know you love your DS, but you're right - you cannot live this way. I have a feeling based on what I've observed in other families that in a couple of years he'll be done rebelling and will need your guidance again. By that time you'll have firm boundaries set which he will know and respect. All is not lost; you're taking care of yourself now so you can deal with whatever the future brings. You are a very good mother! All the things he said are coming from his need to protect his habit right now; they may feel personal but they have nothing to do with you. But you already knew that.

[Pooh]

I'm so sorry Elsie but at the same time, very proud of you.  If he had been sincerely sorry about breaking the rule, he would not have resorted to belittling, pettiness, hurtfulness and trying to place the blame on you.  He broke the rules...he made that decision and now he must live with the consequences.  None of that is on you...it's on him. 

I know it hurts and you are disappointed, but you did the right thing.

[Doe]

Oh, Elise, I feel for you. 

He was asking you to kick him out.  You did the right thing but I know it feels awful.   
You did the right thing.

[Ruth]

I'm sorry Elsie, I know you're shaking inside right now.  I remember these feelings.  When my DS moved back in as an adult after military, it was a disaster, nothing had changed since adolescence except that his repertoire of verbal abuse was broader and better honed to reduce me to nothing.  I don't think I would have been able to order him to leave, I wasn't strong enough and I was no match for him.  He just left one day with that dark cloud.  Its hard.  Times passes and the wound heals.  Keep your shield up, however, because its very easy for the 'mother thoughts' to steal in and accuse you of shutting out your flesh and blood.  You did the loving act.

I've very proud of you Elsie and this isn't a bad thing, its the only way your ds is going to become a responsible man capable of raising his own family and being a success in the world.  He's very young, and it may change for the better in a dramatic way.   I have an acquaintance who came in to my business yesterday and tearfully confessed to me that her ds had dropped out of college and moved back in, and was corrupting her younger son with his drug use.  They won't take any action, because they are high on the social ladder and afraid of colleagues or friends finding out. 

[sesamejane]

Elsie you do not deserve to be treated poorly by anyone.  What a good person you are!  I know because you have helped me so much, been so compassionate and wise.  It's so much easier when it is someone else isn't it? 

You did the right thing for you and for him.  I am sorry you are having to go through this.

[Smilesback@u]

What finally did it for me was the idea that, if he stayed and I dared to maintain my boundaries, I'd have to figure out what I was willing to lose... but I don't put it past him to break the door ... Lots of comments about how cowardly and stupid I was...to keep taking the abuse... so that it didn't bother me.   I'm very sad,

Thank you so much for sharing that you have reached your bottom.  Sounds scary to be threatened and have something you care about stolen in revenge. A drunkard's dream to have someone to dump on who keeps taking it.  It's the craziness of addiction that makes it all make sense to your son.  You do have good boundaries now and have proved that you will keep them - you sound stronger and are acting stronger.  That's what it will take.  You feel sad, understandably, and can still act with courage.  I wanted to add since I have been in your shoes that the remarks from your son sadly were more about him than you.  I'd offer him the 1-800 AA number and ask him to give them a call and get help cuz you love him.  Also, I would suggest that you get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting and get a sponsor too, if that suits you.   It helped me anyways, so I am sending you courage, peace and love 

[Begonia]

Elise:  VERY proud of you!  This is not something you have done or not done to your son...it is how your DS is choosing to live his life right now.  And it is never ok for someone to abuse us, never, never, never.  But I know firsthand that our children learn how to model aggressive behavior and use it against us until we draw the line.  It's a hard place to be, but I know that life gets better...hang in there. 

You are showing your DS a new way to treat you and others.  That is a very valuable lesson for him.  So sorry that it hurts so bad to go through this for you.  Sending healing out to you, and strength.  Keep posting!!

[elsieshaye]

Thanks, Everyone.  I'm a little calmer now.  Spent a couple of hours dismantling his room, packing all his stuff, and taking posters down.  Mainly as a message to myself that this is my place now, and I can do with it what I please.  I also rearranged furniture in the rest of the apartment, to suit me.

DS came by, because apparently he can't find his phone.  I spoke to him through the chain in the door, left him standing in the hallway with the closed door while I looked for the phone and (after letting him know I didn't find it), toldhim I wouldn't be answering the door to him again if he didn't call first.  He's resourceful enough to ask someone if he can use their phone, so I know he'll be able to reach me if he needs to.  He's done it before.  If he can't find the phone, I am not planning on replacing it for him.

Interestingly, when I was cleaning out his desk, I found some "stuff."  Which is now sleeping with the fishes (very mellow fishes).  It just reinforces that I made the right decision, and that I wasn't being too harsh or suspicious.

[Doe]

lol (fishes)
Hey, I just noticed you've lost 21 lbs!  Congrats!

[lancaster lady]

Hi Elsie :

You gave him a chance and he blew it big time .
I bet he feels like the biggest heel now , stick to your guns , enjoy YOUR space .

[Smilesback@u]

You done good elsie -- cooooool fishes  . 

[elsieshaye]

@Doe - Thanks!  I'll probably be up a couple of pounds when I weigh myself tomorrow, but that's just how it goes, I guess.  Stress eating, yay.

@LL - I suspect he's still riding the wave of righteous indignation at my awfulness.   I'm sprawled out in the living room watching MY shows, doing my nails, and enjoying  the total peace.  (And the change in the atmosphere is  amazing.  The cat actually fell totally asleep, twitching paws and all.  Lovely...)

@Smiles - Thanks.