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Her 18th birthday present is unopened and I am heartbroken

Started by missingher, October 27, 2011, 01:28:18 PM

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missingher

Today her high school counselor called and told me to stop sending letters to my just turned 18-year-old daughter. Five months ago she stopped answering phone calls, refuses to see me, won't return text messages. She lives with her dad who opens her mail and won't give her mail I send, so I started writing to her at school. The worst part is not knowing what I did to cause this. All I know is I am ... missing her and it really hurts.

I am new to this forum, and forums in general, but I am really glad that I found it. It is sad to see so many moms who have been cut loose by their adult daughters.

Doe

Oh, dear!  I feel for you, even without knowing details.

What rights does the HS counselor have to tell you when you can right to your daughter?  I can see if he/she said stop mailing them to the school, but other than that? 

Can you give some more background - when did she move in with Dad, what happened right before she stopped communicating with you?  Do you have any custody rights?  Talking it out helps a lot of people - and we love to listen here.

missingher

We share custody and I told her and her younger brother that they were free to be with their dad whenever -- did not force them to stick to an inflexible back-and-forth schedule between houses (we live less than 2 miles from each other, they are in high school and need flexibility). She gradually moved in with her dad last spring, and I let her.

I am asking for full custody of my son after some abuse happened between him and his father. As part of this, I asked the court to appoint a family therapist to work with all of us. She stopped communicating with me in June after initial family therapy sessions. In July, my son, who is clinically depressed, was hospitalized this summer for cutting himself after he and his dad got into a fight. After his hospitalization, he moved in with me and sees his father very little. My ex-husband blames me for our son's condition. It's possible she does, too.

pam1

Welcome missingher :)

I am so sorry you're going through this, what a rough time for both of your children and you.  Perhaps you can ask the school counselor to arrange a meeting with you to get her take on the situation?  Maybe she has some advice or insight that could be helpful. 

I'm glad you found us, I think you will find a lot of support here.  When you get a moment please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History in the category Open Me First, we ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

Keep your chin up :)
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pen

Missing, I'm glad you found us. Please take care of yourself during this very difficult, painful time. Keep reading and posting, you will find support and comfort here.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

Welcome missing and so sorry for your pain.  I was thinking the same thing as Doe wrote, the HSC has no right to tell you that you can't write your daughter, but then I backed up and realized that it was probably about you sending the letters to school after seeing your next post.

The question I would have is "Does your DD want you to write her?"  Since she stopped communicating with you, then right now, the letters are probably too much for her.  I know you hate it but that is her choice right now and I think you need to step back and concentrate on helping your Son through his issues right now.  She's young and just starting into adulthood and probably very confused by what Ex is saying, what family counselor is saying and what you are saying. 

You will find here one of the major questions most of us have is "Why?"  Sometimes, there just isn't a "Why" and we have to let go.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Doe

I haven't been in this situation, but since you have joint custody, can't you appeal to the court system to rearrange this?  I thought that in cases like this, the Dad would not be allowed to interrupt your communication to her.

Sassy

Doe I think since DD reached age 18 the custody order on her may be lifted.  DS is younger so he is still under 18.

As much as I know I would really not like some HS counselor to try to tell me what to do either, I think in this case the counselor may be trying to act as an advocate for her student.

Missingher I feel for you.  Not knowing is so confusing.  You run everything over in your head.  Was it this? Was it that? If only, then would have? 

Since the past can drive us crazy, sometimes it helps to look mainly at the present, and then a little bit of future.   Whatever your DD's past frustrations were, I am concerned that by reaching out to your baby girl at this point, when she's asked yu not to, that might be making new set of issues for now and in the future.  I know your intention is not to disrespect her by reaching out.  Your intention is exactly the opposite, to let you know how much you do respect her.  But if someone asks you not to, and then you still do, it is disrespecting their wishes.  So I'm afraid all she may be feeling from attampts past her "stop" is disrespected.

Love her, because you do and always will.  But my advice is to respect her by respecting her stated wishes for time and distance.  She is young and she will grow.  If she grows while she's feeling you're respecting her wishes, I think your relationship with her will fare better in the end.

I wish so much I could wave a wand and make it better for you.  But like most things worth having, it will take time and mustering the strength for incredible self-restraint.  Sit on those hands if you have to do so to stop from pushing on that keyboard or dialing that phone.  You can do it!

Sassy

I am wondering if you can use this thread, or start a new one, or just start a document that you keep private on your computer. Every time you want to say something to your DD, get it out on there.  That might be easier than sitting on hands? Because you still get to express youself, your thoughts, love, worries.  And you can do it without disrupting her request for peace.  Just a coping idea.

missingher

That is excellent advice, and thank you and bless you! I just removed her from my speed dial (baby steps) and will start writing a journal of letters to her, but will not send to her. Perhaps one day she'll want to look at some old letters.

Someone on another thread recommended the book "When Parents Hurt" by Joshua Coleman. I read through the intro, ordered it and am hoping it will help.

dvg

I am so sorry you are going through this.  Maybe the school counselor would talk to you, but if she won't it's probably because your D is 18 and legally an adult (though we know they are not adults at 18).

My D is about the same age, and has threatened to cut me off many times, but tonight she texted me - she knows I'll be there.

She has time to change - she is still very young.  After she goes to college or gets a job and gets some distance from her father, she'll get some perspective.

There is no heartbreak like that from family.  I have to keep telling myself that I'm a person and have an identity apart from the family.