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What do you think of this....

Started by liz, January 05, 2010, 08:22:07 PM

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AnnieB

Liz, I think parents and in-laws should stay out of making comments about parenting unless

1) asked
2) something truly harmful is going on

those comments seemed unnecessary. some of us can't help ourselves.  you can ignore her or truthfully tell her how her comments affect you and ask why she makes them.  Start a conversation and if she keeps it up, then ask her to stop. 

Just my thoughts.

Pen

Here's a twist on the parenting advice discussion -

My DIL (very young, not a mom yet) has the audacity to try to school us on how poorly we parented DS (her DH) and DDD. Yikes! When she did it the first time my jaw dropped and I think I laughed 'cos it was so absurd. The next couple of times I knew better; I'd been reading the posts by grandmothers here who were not allowed access to their GKs, and I realized my DIL might be hinting that her parents would be the acceptable grandparents and we would not be.

Where does she get the cajones?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

OH!! Penstamen, watch out!!!  Don't buy into it.  I'm afraid she's trying to make you mad and then all heck will break out. That's a pattern they have sometimes!!  It would be very easy to fall into being upset but don't let her know it

.....she gets the cajones from her dabbling in today's psychology.....WATCH OUT!!

Pen

Yup, Chickie, thanks to you and this site, I am watching out. My DH thinks I shouldn't project into the future, but I feel I need to be prepared. DS is speaking up and has already said, quite vehemently, that he wouldn't allow us to be banned from future GK's lives. I hope he keeps being strong! DIL and her family can be quite a force.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

Oh, thank goodness he's strong!!  He probably won't buy into it....oh my goodness....this is how they start.  Sometimes not this openly, mostly whispering but at least she's out there.  Your son will not let her do this.....maybe because she's so out with it that's a good thing.. 

RedRose

My dil tried to do the same thing with me months ago...tell me how poorly I parented DS (her DH)...I laughed in her face. I told her I did such a poor job raising my son as a single mother most of his older years that she fell in love with him, married him and decided to have children with him.  I had to walk away from her...which was my way of dealing with conflict with her.

2chickiebaby

Oh, my gosh, I'm glad you walked away.  I'm thinking that if they come right out with it to you instead of whispering behind your back, it's not as deadly?  Sending good thoughts, Rose.

RedRose

The whispering went on for a while also.  A lot of our disagreements surfaced when they were living with us for financial reasons last year. I ended up asking them to leave after 6 months of walking on egg shells in my own home.
My husband has my permission to slap my behind if I ever let them live with us again...no matter what the reason.

2chickiebaby

They lived with us for a few weeks too.  Can you believe that?  Other son could hear her through his bedroom with her saying to son: "you're going to stand by me, aren't you?"

This was after she had acted like an A** the entire day with me here.  It was bad but I never asked them to leave but they left anyway.  I was so relieved. 


liz

Anna- I don't understand how mothers cannot be concerned when children don't meet their developmental milestones. It upsets me and bothers me if mine don't meet theirs "on time" and I do whatever I can to make it happen. I wonder how your dil felt once he started doing those things with daddy at home not her?

Penstamen and Redrose- I can't believe your dils, how awful! Why beat you up over something that has already happened? Even if you DID raise him poorly (and I doubt it's true) there isn't anything you can do about it now, why bring it up? Just hurtful. As a new mother I look to the past to try to not repeat the mistakes my parents made, but I would never dream of telling them about the mistakes I remember. I'm so sorry they were so hurtful.

Pen

Thanks, Liz. We weren't 100% perfect all the time, far from it, but we were appropriately involved, set limits, didn't spoil, weren't negligent, gave both (even disabled daughter) all the experiences and input we could: dinner table discussions, books, art, music, sports, travel, youth groups, school activities, etc. etc. We've never been well-off financially, but DS got his college/living expenses taken care of by us because it was important for us to give him what we didn't have. However, he had to make the grades and work two jobs for his other expenses. I think DIL's mom was scary strict in some areas and I'm more easy-going, but my kids were always complimented on their excellent behavior in public. We definitely disciplined - DS missed a really cool  trip due to a poor behavior choice. One of DIL's complaints is that we didn't have treats out all the time. Why would you want your kids eating junk food all day?  I think she was just looking for reasons to discredit us as potential grandparents.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb