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What we aren't

Started by 2chickiebaby, January 02, 2010, 06:29:16 pm

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cocobars

I agree!  And the DIL's out there will be going through the same thing when their children are grown.   Karma never stops.  We never stop learning...

justus

Hi everyone. I will admit that I post on that other site because of my own M who is a nightmare. I have had one MIL from heck and my current MIL has issues, but we get along quite well. I have worked hard at being a good mom to my adult children and I am a pretty good MIL to my one Son-in-law. I do have issues with my SD, but we get along mostly. So, thats me.

I had to respond to this post because I think it is a bit off the mark.

First off, the DILs who post on that other site were not referring to any of you personally. They went to that site for help just like you all came here for help. Most often, the newbies are begging for help with getting along with their MILs. They would love to have MILs like you who are willing to work on the the R, who are willing to take ownership of their problems and do what they can to have at least a civil R at the very least. Many of them would love to have a close R with their MILs. Unfortunately, their MILs, the woman they refer to, and the odds are that is not any of you personally, are not willing or maybe not able to understand their own part in the problems. Some are able to heal their R with their MIL, some are not and end up cutting them off out of self-preservation.

So, some of the things on the list might be true for their specific situation. In my situation, my M would love to have me back under her thumb. It was my job in my family to take care of her. I cannot do that if I am happily M and not living with her. Be her entertainment? Oh, heck yes. She does not get along with my F very well and they don't like the same things. When I was living with her, she always had me to drag along shopping or to see a movie or to go on a trip. Before I was M, she often when on vacations with me and my children. She saw my DH as competition for my  and my children's affections. I assure you my M is diagnosable. She successfully broke up my first M and is furious that I am still happily married to DH.

Just like there are some pretty messed up DILs out there who are intentionally alienating their Hs from their families, there are MILs who are all of those things on that list.

This comes to the last reason I felt I had to post. The one thing I learned from my M's bad modeling is that I must always be the adult in my R with my children. It is my job to always be loving and accepting of them. This doesn't mean that I am a doormat or that I take bad treatment from them. This means that I set and respect boundaries, and I give them space when they need it even if my instinct is to hold them closer. There are times they will pull away from me and other times they will need me desperately and I must follow their lead in knowing when those time are upon us. They are growing, changing human beings who are learning what it is to be an independant adult in this world. When they pull away, it isn't personal and when they need me, it isn't permanent. The best think I can do for them is to respect their boundaries even when I don't like or agree with them. My mantra is "it isn't personal, it isn't about me."

That some of you took what was written on another board so personally even though it wasn't about you is a huge part of the problem you have with your children and their spouses. The thing is, it just isn't about you. We are no longer the center of our children's universe and we have to stop acting like we are or expecting to be treated that way. I know, many of us would settle for just a corner or even to look in occasionally and we start to feel sorry for ourselves if we don't get what we want or think we deserve. I have been guilty of this, too. I found that gracefully accepting what I got and always being supportive without being pushy or nosy was the solution. They have to live their own lives and having cut off my own M for her abusive behavior, I feel lucky they want me to be a part of it.

Seriously, some of the DILs on that board have very sick MILs. It is a mistake to take what they write and think it applies to you. BTW, I agree they are a bit obsessed with narcissism. But what is narcissism but a label for a cluster of specific behaviors? They are just applying that label to some common behaviors in the same way a bunch of counselors would as a sort of short hand. I have been told that my M is an N by people on the board, however, my psychologist DH has her diagnosed with something quite different.

Anyway, hope I haven't offended anyone. This board serves a wonderful function for those who truly want to patch things up with their children/DILs.

Peace

 I guess I am glad I don't know anything about the "the other site".

greeneyes100

JUSTUS    I do not know anything about the site you are talking about, I am also not offended by anything said there because it really is none of my business. I am on this site for MILs and I hope to stay here and as I progress help others.

PLEASE MILs ONLY STAY ON THIS SITE  so there is no upsets

RedRose

Justus.....

"This board serves a wonderful function for those who truly want to patch things up with their children/DILs."

YES...this is what this board should be about

greeneyes100

This site is for caring and sharing  lets just go with the flow

isitme?

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 02, 2010, 06:29:16 pm
1. We're not mentally ill.
2. We're not trying to break up our child's marriage.
3. We're not projecting our problems onto our DILs or whatever that mumbo jumbo is about.
4. We're not disordered either, personality wise.
5. We know our son/daughter are not responsible for our happiness.
6. Get over yourselves if you think we think our sons/daughters are not supposed to fly the nest.
7. We're not hoping our children will be our entertainment.
8. We're not burdening our sons/daughters with our lives.
9. We're not trying to sabotage our sons/daughters lives.
10. Grow up and while you're at it, get a heart.  We're not jealous of you, good Lord!  How could that be?  Let's see, no heart, no soul, no kindness, no thought for anyone else but yourselves and your little life.  You're sick of us?  Is that right.....tsk tsk.


Wow chickie!  I really wish you could send this list to my FMIL!  I think some DILs could easily reverse this list too!!!

Maybe we should all write a book together and call it "when bad families happen to good people"...  I think this is really the only website I've seen that truly has the shared perspective of both MILs and DILs and I think/hope we are all a lot happier and stronger for it!  :)

Thanks.

2chickiebaby

I was on a roll  ;D

I think the list could be reversed too...many times.

cocobars

Chickebaby!  I'm begining to think you are always on a roll!  You were the first one here to make me feel welcome, and I've been entertained, informed, sat up crying, rolled with laughter till I hurt myself, and couldn't wait to get on here and see what you doing tonight!

And,  I've only been here for 4 days!!.......

2chickiebaby

You're precious, Coco!  I'm glad you're here. What a joy you are...

cocobars

Well, add one more thing to your list;

WE ARE NOT BORING!

2chickiebaby

I know...no boring!  I can do anything but I can't do boring.  I'm glad there are plenty of opinions and lots of love here too.  Everybody is sweet....is it okay to be sweet these days?  You never know, sweet might be a mental condition and we don't know about it yet.  :-[

cocobars


2chickiebaby

thank you, Anna.....I was on a roll.  ! :-[!