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Interesting topic on Yahoo answers/A Mother's question

Started by Prissy, June 28, 2009, 02:41:48 pm

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Why does my 27 year old son hate me so much?
I had my son when I was 17, I lived with my mum then. For the 1st year, we stayed with her, then I got my own place, I brought him up by myself, when he was just over 3, I married & had his sister. That didn't last long, when he was almost 6 I met my husband now, he & I have brought them up together.

He was a great kid growing up, then he met his soon wife to be. She & I don't really get on, so I stay back as much as possible. I now have a lovely grand daughter who I adore. Then last October, she found out she was pregnant again, so the wedding they had planned was cancelled, then a month ago they announced it was back on! I was going to find it hard to go as I don't get on with her family at all, but for his sake & my grand daughter's I was going.

Then at the start of the week, he started texting me, I tried to phone, but he wouldn't answer the phone & talk to me, so I text back and forth while he spewed out all this hate to me, how I never take anything to do with him or phone him or go & see him, until I was told not to go to his wedding in 2 weeks! I can't understand what I have done that is so bad that I deserved that. He always stuck to my mother and now she's in pride of place at his wedding, his sister said theres no way she's going after the way he treated me, and to be honest I feel so bad about it all as if it is all my fault, my hubby said to ignore it, but it's eating away at me, and I think that if he doesn't come to see me & sort it out before the wedding, I'm going to wash my hands of him completely. Is that too harsh?


He's about to get married to a woman he loves, and she's telling him to push you away.

He will come to his senses. Seen this happen before
personal experience


I previewed my answer and fixed a typo and it vanished.  It was too long anyway.  I apologize.  I will summarize.  Thought I was good MIL and friend,  excellent mother, and excellent wife.  My dream, after 50 years of marriage, was to have (and continue what we had) a happy home life.  After 9 years of marriage, son and DIL announced to us adopting foreign baby; we were thrilled; husband asked if we could tell my one particular friend who just had lst of two grandchildren and she and I were sharing the turmoil of a friend who had turned against us.  We were told by DIL that we could not - had to wait until all of her family was told (months).  However, many of her girlfriends knew - and my friend did not even know her family.  My husband was very annoyed; felt it was controlling behavior on her part and when she said "I know this hurts you" my son patted me on the head and said "I love you Mom."  Well, before we knew it we have had 8 months of no responses to our e-mails; no phone calls; I had had cancer right before this happened and although OK doctors are afraid all of stress is not helping out my recovery.  Stress so bad that on New Year's they responded finally to an e-mail I asked my husband to send wishing them a Happy NY and they did not acknowledge me.  When he wrote back and asked why not they said they did not particularly like me.  I got so sick we had to cut out trip with friends short and leave them at 2 a.m. in the morning.

Long story short - husband, who is such a believer in God - I am not - and I decided we had to take back our lives.  The threat being held over our heads was not seeing the grandchild except on their schedule.  We are successful professional businessowners; we gave our son every opportunity - and also our DIL. 

We decided for our own health and mental stability, we had to do a number of things.  When our son wrote an e-mail a few months ago telling we would not see them ever again in the frequency of before, and we were under orders not to interfere in their lives ???? we said we had to take back our self respect  Cousellor relatives (and we are also in the field of psychology) felt we should walk away.  We have.  Changed our will; changed our company set up; joined a county group to mentor an 18 year old on way to college; I have to admit when his last e-mail came I wrote a blistering answer - I apologized to them a few days after.  It was beneath me.  We do not expect to see our son again.  When I asked my husband who he talks to about it he says "God". In my mind  I have talks with my dead father who is probably rolling in his grave to think our son - the sensitive, morally balanced, loving grandson is treating his parents so badly.

Do I cry?  Almost every night - but less and less. I take an antidepressant; I went back to my trainer; we go out with friends (few know what is happening); take trips;do one extra special thing a month (ball game, etc);  keep busy with our business.  Yet I still drive up to our driveway hoping his car will be there.  I said to Luise that was juvenile; she said no, that I am very wounded. 

We refuse to let them control our lives; we have lived 72 years - we can live out the few years we have left with our supportive family and friends - I regret not seeing this grandchild but I hope she/he brings the two of them much happiness.  Drastic?  Yes - but all of us parents deserve respect for what we have done for our children; we don't deserve what so many on this blog are living through. It is just not worth it.   Again, my thanks to Luise - she is a ship in a storm.



Hi Mary,
I am so very sorry, I really am. I know 2 people who have taken their sons out of their wills.  They had no choice.

One was met with pitiful reply to a question that she asked him about, "what about you Mother, Dad, Sister?  Don't we deserve a phone call, anything?"

He got so freaked out because he was afraid his wife would hear her. "Shhhh!!!" he told, his Mother!!  "don't let (wife) hear you!!"

She was infuriated so she got on a plane, went to her lawyers and wrote him out of their Will.

The other person is particulary heartbreaking. She was so excited to have a_grandchild that she over-reacted (in the DIL'S view) when she ran into the house and said,  "OH!  my baby! My baby!!" 

She has never seen that grandson again, her only grandchild....just because, after waiting for a month to see the child, she said, "my baby".  She's been cast out and that's been 11 years ago.

She wrote them out of her will and sometimes I think that is all we have left in this world after being treated like real dirt under their feet.

This is truly the hardest point of a Mother's life.  I don't know what decision I would have made if I had the choice to have children again....the price is too high. 

Mary, you know you did nothing wrong; I guess that's what hurts the most. There is no resolution to it.  No consolation for this loss.

You are not alone.  I know that doesn't help much but just knowing it's a huge community makes it feel like at least you're in prison with inmates who are not guilty either.

Take care you....many hugs   


Dear Prissy:  Re your comment that you are not sure you would have children again, we were married a long time before our son came.  He was the joy of my life.  He and his father were very close.  Friends tell us our family and our marriage were role models for them.  The ones who know feel my son is not well.    Her family calls me - so I know they are well.  He is just not the same person.  I always swore I would not do what I do - change our will.  I detest parents who rule from the grave with certain specifications, etc.  But, as I said, we have to do something and that made us feel we had made a step to taking back our lives.  It is not the best thing to do as a human - to disown one's child - but they have broken our hearts - and they are like strangers to us. 

Thank you for your kind words. 


I don't think you disowned your child. I think you accepted his decision to disown you. There's a huge difference. Sending hugs along with Prissy.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama