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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

Dear Daughter ???

Started by lancaster lady, September 05, 2011, 09:44:02 am

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Oops, the attachment didn't work.  I'll try again...  In case it doesn't post, it's a photo of Mel Gibson ready for battle in Braveheart.  : ) 


Love it!  how cute, I'm having a good laugh about that!


LL, we're here for you...through the ups & downs and crazy-making mood swings. Your room spruce-up sounds lovely. Mine next?  :D
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

forever spring

LL what you are going through at the moment sounds so much like what I've just left. They didn't live in my house but dangerously close and all the type of behaviour from me (making it nice for them - clean sheets and linen) all backfired. And I couldn't do a thing right. Ha ha!
I'm safely away now and having a grand old time. For the world of me can't see what the fuss was all about. Still a lot of heartache happened while I was so close and nobody had a good time really. That's how I sought out WWU which became a valuable source of solace.
It seems that people just can't accept help and kindness gracefully.
You seem to be on your way of getting it all back together after the recent tempest. Good luck!
Take care

Like Luise said: What makes us grown up, emancipated women all of a sudden go all soft and change our identity for that of mother of grown up children and grandmother. - We should know better, but we don't. It's a head/heart thing.

forever spring

Quote from: luise.volta on September 07, 2011, 11:03:51 am
What can happen is that our identity can become the mother of adult children and a grandmother. Their lives become ours and everyone suffers because of it. They need to try and fail...try and fall...act and see why it didn't work. That's the learning process. It's very much life the baby learning to walk. We can't step in and catch them... and stop the falls or we will interrupt the learning process and cripple them.

I think I mis-quoted Luise. So here is what she really said, my opinion entirely.


We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Yup...that's what I said. I think enabling is crippling...and damages the enabler and the enablee...but I am a minority of one here and that's OK. When children need a nap we put them down whether they want to go or not...and when adult-children want a wedding, they save up for it whether they want to or not and have one they can afford. If they can't afford to rent a house...they rent a room. Everything in thier lives is their job to solve. And every mistake is a lesson learned. It's called life. If we step in, we aren't holding them as "able" and respecting them as budding adults. (And they will hate us for it.)

I know, I know...I'm weird.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I am a newbie so I have been doing lots of reading on this site and posting  my own challenges with my youngest DD.  But I thought I should make some effort to participate so here I am.  I have to say that I agree with Luise regarding the enabling.  I have learned with the my oldest DD that when I backed off, gave her and my SIL more space that eventually things improved for all of us.  Not only do our adult children learn lessons but so do we.  Luise, I especially appreciated your statement, "everything in their lives is their job to solve."  Whoop, whoop, hooray...how freeing that statement can be...


Thanks, B-E. There have been many times my adult children have not been tickled with me. Yet when my adult children had adult children themselves, they have seen the wisdom in it and have followed through with the same pattern. Now their adult children are learning and growing and becoming responsible and plan to carry it on. Of course my parents did it with me. When my first job didn't "work out"...(I didn't work...lol) and I wanted to come back home, they said no. And so it goes. The title adult means something. To me we learn that through trial and error...when left to our own devices. And as we have said many times here, "take what you want and leave the rest." We have many points of view and each person's "truth" is something that someone somewhere needed to hear. Sending love...

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lancaster lady

when my DS first said they were giving up their house and going to live with his partners FOO , my reply was , As much
as I love you I wouldn't want you living here.
Then when that plan backfired , I was asked could they come and live here !
My heart sank at that moment and if they didn't have my GD with them I would have refused .
Now it seems the more I do for them , the less I'm thought of .
My DIL has been away for three days at her FOO , supposedly looking at houses . What new bride leaves
her husband after 10 days of marriage .?
I hope they find something soon , as my goodwill is fading fast especially when I thought all was well
and we were getting along fine only to be told by my DS she doesn't feel welcome here and she overheard
my DH and I talking about her ....why cause trouble when there is none ?
After months of trying to be a good friend to my DIL after such a rocky start , my patience is wearing thin .
How to proceed from here , I'm not sure , do I pretend I don't know what she thought she heard ?

The houses that she has been looking at are all near her family , and quite a distance from me
and my DS's place of work , which makes me think that it will revert back to me not seeing my GD
all over again . Which is what I thought when they moved in , that after the wedding all bets are off!
Don't call us , we'll call you !



If things are wearing out, the best thing is for them to move...the farther the better.  I know that you will miss your gd....but you still have to return to your normal life.  You work so you also need some peace and quiet around.    You are an awesome mother and grandmother, so my bet is that you will see them around often.  They know that your gd loves you and will probably bring her over. 

You have done your best.  You helped them out when they needed you.  You can go to sleep with a peaceful mind. 

Love you LL
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:


It's good to hear from you, Nana, you were in my thoughts yesterday & last night... 


If you're not allowed to see gd, maybe it's a blessing that they not live close to you, LL.  Knowing dd is only 10 mins away sometimes cuts like a knife.  I understand why you took them in; it's the same reason why I tolerated dd's abuse these past 5 years.  Don't be their doormat, dear LL, you won't gain any points.  Do for your gd & let ds & dil learn now while they're young.  Dd's almost 34, & I kick myself each & every day. 


Rose, stop kicking yourself! It's in the past and you are moving on. Kick up your heels instead.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

forever spring

Quote from: luise.volta on September 08, 2011, 04:51:22 pm
If we step in, we aren't holding them as "able" and respecting them as budding adults. (And they will hate us for it.)

Quote from: luise.volta on September 08, 2011, 04:51:22 pm
If we step in, we aren't holding them as "able" and respecting them as budding adults. (And they will hate us for it.)

This is so true and I knew it all along but only in my head and not in my heart. I think that's why we all throw caution and wisdom to the wind the moment our adult children cry for help. It's really weird. I had to experience this first-hand and suffer for it before I knew in my heart. Wish there'd been a shortcut - would have saved a lot of heartache.

LL I maybe the culture is such that parents are expected to help unconditionally, my DIL's FOO do this still. It is expected of them and they go with it for better or for worse. They do help a lot and are always there. Mind you, they do have a really close relationship with the GC and they are closer to their daughter.
I hope all goes well with you and I sympathise with your situation. Time is a great healer.