Dear Daughter ???

[Ruth]

LL, how did you find out the information that DIL was talking behind your back (not wanting to be there, etc)?  I wonder, because it is ok for all of us to have our feelings, nobody in their right mind would want to be living in a home that is not their own, but it should have been private bitching and not brought to your attention. 

[sesamejane]

After rereading this string of posts, I realized something similar happened with my eldest dd. 

When my mother was dieing, my eldest brother and his new wife pulled some very bad stuff - changing her will in order that they benefit and getting her to sign it, leaving her out of state where she had had a heart attack in a convalescent home for the last few months of her life so no one could go see her, etc.  He refused to speak to me, and his new wife became the go between. In my frustration, I commented that she should go help my brother find his balls.

If you knew me, you would know that I never never speak that way to people....well, never say never!  In any event, I shamed them into bringing mother back to her home town, but she lay in hospice a week later.  My eldest brother was in a state of rage, he menaced me with fists when I lay next to my mother, he walked in the room when a Judy Garland song was playing and loudly said, "If I had to listen to that poop I'd want someone to blow my brains out!"  It went on and on. He and my youngest brother went through my mother's things and would not let me help.  Anyway, my eldest daughter witnessed this and talked with her cousin, my eldest brother's daughter.  I don't know what was said, but the cousin called her father and well, more hell was unleashed. 

She was villified by my brother and he immediately spread nasty insinuations about her.  I asked her what she said, and it sounded like she had been very upset about how I was treated.  She got a clear message from everyone that she should not have done what she did.  After a couple of weeks, however, I realized that she had done it because she loved me and didn't want to see me hurt.  She was trying to rescue me I think.

I telephoned her and thanked her from the bottom of my heart.  I also tactfully let her know that I was okay, that I was going to be alright, she didn't need to defend me, but that I really appreciated that she cared about me.  She immediately softened, and we were able to talk about it.  She has since volunteered that she should not have called her cousin, and it is no longer an issue for her or me.  My brother is a different matter, the creep.  : )

That's just another point of view I think.  Sometimes validating their feelings or motivation, but not the behavior, can go a long way.  I am just wondering if your dd may have been attempting to show she cares about you but just handled it badly.  She seems to be hanging on to a lot of resentment, and I realize that some folks are just addicted to crisis, drama people. But I just wonder if you connected with the love she may have felt for you, she might be able to let go of some of this stuff.

This is probably not politically correct, but it worked for me.

[Ruth]

I know this may sound nuts,  but reading this last reply put me in mind of my dog training challenges again with this new puppy.  The idea is that the 'alpha' dog has to bear a lot of stress trying to defend the household and do things to protect that it is impossible for him to be able to do, he isn't living in the wild.  And when we take that pressure lovingly off of him, and show him that we will do the protecting ourselves, he gets to go back to just being a dog and having a good time.  Maybe the daughter is under a lot of stress by assuming this role for herself.   She may be tired and feelings fear and frustration. 

[luise.volta]

Interesting...

[lancaster lady]

thankyou all for different angles on this problem .
My DD hates the thought of me being taken advantage of . she knows I love her to bits , and I know she loves
me too , as we are very close .
She is just the kind of person who tells it like it is , no egg shells .
Ruth :
My DS told me she had complained to him that she overheard my DH and I discussing her ...not true !
She is constantly telling me that my DS does not want to be here , as I tried to get him interested in doing
some freelance business while living here , she said there is no point as he doesn't want to be here !
On the other hand , my DS is telling me she doesn't want to be here , that she feels unwelcome etc .....!
This totally shook me as I have literally bent over backwards to make her feel at home ....and wore my zip closed
at all times !
When they returned from their wedding , honeymoon on a later agenda , I decorated their room with flowers,
candles , champagne , cards and gifts . New linen etc etc ......is that the actions of a person who doesn't want
them back ?
So I am totally puzzled at her comments to my DS , also I haven't taken one penny from them , plus paid
a whole chunk of the wedding !?!
She is away for a few days looking at houses , apparently .
I am regretting taking them in , I certainly do not need any stress .
Watch this space ....thank you all for your replies .
My DD may be right after all ....

[luise.volta]

I know I have sounded like a broken record all the way through this...but my take is that you need to get on with your life and let them get on with theirs. If you have to, tell yourself that what they think, say and do is none of your business. Your life is your business. You sound to me so entangled in theirs, that that's your life. Not healthy for anyone involved. Move to another country or something. Extricate yourself. I know that is radical...but if there is no other way, it might save the day. Sending love always...

[Scoop]

Oh, LL, can't you see them projecting?  They're thinking that you don't want them there for 2 reasons. 

One - because they wouldn't want them there if they were you.  Who actually *wants* their grown son, DIL and DGD to move back in?  No one.  From their perspective, maybe you're only tolerating them because you've had a rocky relationship in the past.

Two - because they don't want to be there.  Of course they don't want to be there, they want to be in their own place, not depending on "mommy".  It's considered a shameful thing to "have to" move back in and be rescued by your parents.

If I were you and you were me.  I would NOT take it personally.  I would even pooh-pooh their expressions of "DIL doesn't want to be here" and "DS doesn't want to be here".  Bah!  It's only temporary!  They'll be back on their feet soon.

One more thing though.  I have to say that I could see there being a problem with you going into their room, changing their bed(!) and arranging a "romantic" setting.   You probably shouldn't be going into their room at all.

[Doe]

I'm with Luise.    But I think maybe you aren't to the point of wanting to get this out of your life, maybe? 

[Ruth]

You've come too far to let this trip you up, and I believe you know better.  Clean house some more and detach from them.  You can do this and all of you will be the happier for it.

[luise.volta]

What can happen is that our identity can become the mother of adult children and a grandmother. Their lives become ours and everyone suffers because of it. They need to try and fail...try and fall...act and see why it didn't work. That's the learning process. It's very much life the baby learning to walk. We can't step in and catch them... and stop the falls or we will interrupt the learning process and cripple them.

[lancaster lady]

I hear you guys ......
I would definitely detach if only they would stop individually telling me how the other one feels !!
Oh I get the fact they don't want to be here ...who wants to be with their inlaws ?
Only they asked ....so get on with it ...stop complaining .
Scoop :
The reason I entered their room , for the first time , was ....I left clean linen for my Ds to change their bed .My DIL had departed
three days before and had left linen to change the bed , as my DS didn't know what day it was , he forgot . So as a romantic
touch I thought rather than smelly sheets for their honeymoon , a candlelit room with flowers .Oh she was delighted and
said how kind I was ....short memory fault somewhere.
Don't worry , I'm calm , and soon all my own hobbies kick off again after the summer break .
Also don't forget I have my own business to run , it's just that every now and again , their thoughts become my problem!
Only natural two families living in close quarters ....that's what you guys are for .......my thanks as always 

[luise.volta]

Rule #1 - Don't let anyone tell you anything about anyone else. That's "he said, she said triangulating." Refuse to listen. Refuse to discuss anything that isn't first person with no one else mentioned. Totally. Don't budge on that. Tell them to talk to each other, not you.  Then put plugs in your ears and masking take on your mouth. Send them packing. Let them grow up.

[Pooh]

I think it was very nice of you to fix the room up for their return.  I do agree that it's time, for your own sanity to tell both DS and DIL that you don't want to hear them tattling on the other!  Come on!  That's what they are doing.  They just got married and they are already betraying each other's confidences?  And dragging you into it in the meantime? 

Sorry, but that annoys me to no end to know that instead of being grateful for all you are doing for them they are making you feel bad because they have to run and tell you the other said this...the other did that...

Give em' a pup tent and point them to the yard!

[lancaster lady]

Hahaha .......love you Pooh ....x

[Rose799]

Put your game face on if necessary, LL...